DIRTY LITTLE SECRET

[killafrog]

Dameon_Patron_of_Healing well i hope something worked out for the better.  

[Patron with a Mission]

lunaci

Dameon_Patron_of_Healing

-begin vent-

I am a college student with a lot of problems. Any advice is welcome.

1.) I moved out from an abusive home. Now they are calling and asking forgiveness, but I don't trust them. Now I live in paranoia from emotional scarring and memories returning. I'm staying with a friend for the holidays, and...to see him with his family, and that they help him, while no one helps me, it's heartbreaking.

2.) I got a staph infection, and now owe over 13k in medical bills. I'm alone, and the collection agency has come after me. I never received the notice because the address is with my abusive parents. I don't dare go back for it, but doesn't a collection agency take you to court if you don't answer?

3.) I have always tried to be on time for class, to care about my tutoring job, but I'm losing patience and don't have too many options for employment.

4.) My closest friends [who are male] say I need more of a feminine influence, and are, in a sense, pushing me away from them. But I have always been shy around other girls, because of the tremendous abuse and teasing I got while in elementary throughout even high school. I'm not plain, but I'm not a supermodel either. I don't really know anything about dressing up and make up and such. And...it hurts. Why does image matter so much to people?

-end vent-

PM or reply with advice. Thanks in advance.

I read about your situation. I can't suggest much about what to do with your family, I will suggest that you go with your intuition on your stepmother. She may seem nicer now, but it can be a phase in a cycle where abusers apologize for their wrong doing. A lot of the times, the abuser goes back to their old ways. Give it time and talk on the phone if you really want to speak to them. If you are not ready to see them and they are sincere about making amends, they will respect your decisions.

As for the Hospital bill, yes you can get sued from the hospital. However, they are only allowed to take a certain amount of money. I can not give much advice on what to do in this situation, but I will say:

1. Apply for medicaid. If you qualify, medicaid can help with future expenses and may help with prior expenses (up to a limit, but a medicaid representative should know).

2. Find out where to get free legal aid and ask questions concerning what to do with your medical debt.

As for your male friends, I know from experience what it's like to be told by a man I need more femininity (My first ex told me that). I could be wrong, I do not think that friends would push you away if you are lacking in any department. Rather, they would help in anyway they could.... if you ask them to. You determine how feminine you are. I rarely wear make-up (I'm just learning how to put on eye-shadow) and am considered a tomboy by most (if not all) of my family, I see myself as feminine to my liking.

It could be that your friends suggested you look for more feminine influences to boost your self esteem and self-confidence as a young woman. I may be wrong, but I may have a point if you have trouble looking into the mirror and sincerely saying to yourself that you are pretty. I can tell you that most magazines are propaganda to make women feel insecure about themselves, so don't really on them much. If there is anything I can suggest to help with the femininity issue, I would. However, it all depends on whether you are comfortable with who you are as a woman.... do you feel like you have enough feminine qualities?

Sorry if it seems like I'm babbling. Just one more piece of advice: Keep your head up! A tutoring job while attending college is better than what most people have. At least it will help fine tune your interpersonal skills.

Thanks for the help...update:

1.) Concerning medical bills, I broke the bills down to about 867, which I am slowly but surely paying off. But they are still calling me, and I'm not sure why. They said something about only being able to pay in 150 dollar installments or a one time settlement payment. My friend's mom said that I could do minimum payments, and legally, there is nothing else to do. I didn't, for some weird reason, qualify for medicaid, so paying in small, 15-20 dollar payments is honestly the best I can do right now. I'm going to shut down the one credit card I have so I can have one less thing to pay [that's about 300 dollar balance]. I also have the cell phone bill to worry about, and that's about it. But I have busted the bills down, yay!

2.) Family? I just completely pushed them away. I've blocked their numbers, and have removed them from the list of emergency contacts at school, and made a special note that no one, under any circumstances, is to call them at all even if I am dying. They didn't help while I was well, and God knows they'd not help if I was not. Or, if they did, strings would be attacthed to me, and I'd be dancing like a puppet. That is the last thing I want.

3.) Classes and work: Recently I injured my left foot [stupid way it happened; don't ask] and the fault was mine. The campus agreed, however, to pay for most of it, so I was fine with that. But I did pick interesting classes, so they are worth limping or struggling with crutches across campus for. Work? I am just going to not work this first week, because to limp from my apartment to that place isn't worth it, and I can't find a ride. >.> I'll talk to my boss to see what I can do.

-looks at her foot- I have also been asked to get an x-ray on this, and I know the foot isn't broken; I'd be in a lot more pain by now. However, it is swollen and bruised. The bruising is right below where my toes connect to my foot and the swelling starts after the bruising and ends halfway towards my ankle. I'm not a medical expert, but I am guessing there is something wrong. I can put pressure, even limp along, but I can't walk normally without feeling something...wrong.

What should I do? I really don't have the money to pay for another doctor or surgery or something. The campus did agree to pay some, but they won't pay it all. I know that. -sighs- /rant  

[killafrog]

i wish you and your birth family were on good grounds you were givin them for a reson you may not of wanted them but there what made you who you need to be one day it maybe twenty years from now it could be longer or now but for some reason you were givin this family.
i hate it when birth familys are not talking.


on your foot problems you could possibly get a idea how your foot is by calling hospital and asking them opinon? or you could be a lucky and have a doc as a friend and you could ask but i dont think you do.  

[Patron with a Mission]

If I may get technical, the only one who is actually part of my "birth" family is my father. The rest are just steps to me. Maybe, someday I will talk to them...just not now. One day I'll pick up the pieces when I have the strength to lift them up. For now...I'm just not that strong yet.

And what possible reason could I have to have been given an abusive family, one that broke me down until I wished to die? I ask that every once in awhile, the whole why me question. My therapist said that I shouldn't worry about them anymore, and just focus on myself, because for every failure I have, my family has another victory.

Do any of you believe she's right?

Forgive me, I don't mean to argue and to keep stretching this on, especially with elders. I do believe you all have good advice. It's nice to be able to vent on the internet where I can actually get help and sound advice, and I am most grateful for this specific forum.

Well, I can't say that fate hasn't helped me at all. I happily discovered today that my university paid in full for the medical bills concerning my foot since I got injured on campus, so I am happy for that.

Also, the debt collectors have contended that I am indeed too poor for their miserable methods, so they have agreed to only take out 10 dollars a month until I am able to make bigger payments, or the whole thing is eliminated.

Concerning the whole femininity thing, I took lunaci's words to heart and looked in the mirror for a very long time, and I discovered I am happy as I am now. Sure, a few tweaks might be needed, but I'm not about to go get plastic surgery or anything. I am the one who decides my fate, my look, and my heart. I am open for suggestions, though. Thanks.  

[MojinR]

If I may say, I do agree that you need to worry about yourself first, and family second at the moment. Family should, in good theory, always be there should they have ANY form unconditional love or at least guilt over their transgressions. After all, everything begins with you. If you aren't focused on yourself, I don't know how you'd begin to start on any issues outside yourself.

It's good that some issues are resolving themselves. Better to be grateful of the positive than dwell on the negative. Not to say you should ignore it, but learn from it and growth, which is not always as easy as words make it sound.

And, well, I've got my own thoughts on femininity and women but I believe happiness takes precedence over that. Lunaci hit the nail on the head too. You'd be surprise at the number of people that can't face what they see in mirror cause of insecurity, fear and other issues. The fact that you can proves your strength.  

[killafrog]

well its ok to keep talking about this somtimes you can't just have one or 2 messages when u still have thoughts going on.
well i am glad u didnt die when u had the thoughts.
well i wish you well on recovery in therapy.  

[Lady_Niqui]

Dameon_Patron_of_Healing

And what possible reason could I have to have been given an abusive family, one that broke me down until I wished to die? I ask that every once in awhile, the whole why me question. My therapist said that I shouldn't worry about them anymore, and just focus on myself, because for every failure I have, my family has another victory.

Do any of you believe she's right?

I think she is right to a point but I look at it more as they have a victory everytime you let what they do and say get you all upset. Do you really think it matters to them? Everytime you let them upset you, youre the one whose miserable not them. And the anger, hurt, etc etc becomes baggage in your life. So its all well and good to cut them off from your life if you must but make sure you get rid of the baggage as well. Its a difficult thing to do but once its done youll be amazed at how much better you feel.  

[lunaci]

Dameon_Patron_of_Healing:
I'm glad to see that things are looking up for you. I'm sorry to hear about your foot, but at least that is one thing that you do not have to worry about.

I have to say I agree with your therapist and some of the other gaians. Focusing on your family would give them the victory since it keeps you too busy to worry about yourself.

As for being born into an abusive family, I really don't have an answer for that. All I know is that it takes strength to have endured any kind of abuse, even to the point of wanting to kill yourself, and still be able to carve out a future for yourself. You sought out help for yourself (something that a lot of abused individuals have not done) all while making advances for your future. Do not ever allow someone to make you think that you are not strong.

Still, best wishes for the future.  

[Lady_Niqui]

Grrr... I'm a little frustrated. A couple people made a comment about how much I like to hold my baby saying I'm spoiling her because I always hold her and I wear her in a sling so she can be with me when I'm moving around the house doing chores or playing video games or whatever. But honestly I'd rather have her snuggled up to me sleeping in her sling than screaming her little butt off alone in her playpen. And I like being able to give her hugs and kisses and rub her hair whenever I want. It's not spoiling my baby to teach her that when she needs me, I'm going to answer. stare
Everybody is a critic when it comes to parenting I swear. So freaking annoying! And yet, I'm the only one waking up at the butt crack of dawn to feed her and change her diaper so they can kiss my sleep deprived arse.
Okay... *deep breath* /rant off lol.  

[lunaci]

Lady_Niqui

Grrr... I'm a little frustrated. A couple people made a comment about how much I like to hold my baby saying I'm spoiling her because I always hold her and I wear her in a sling so she can be with me when I'm moving around the house doing chores or playing video games or whatever. But honestly I'd rather have her snuggled up to me sleeping in her sling than screaming her little butt off alone in her playpen. And I like being able to give her hugs and kisses and rub her hair whenever I want. It's not spoiling my baby to teach her that when she needs me, I'm going to answer. stare
Everybody is a critic when it comes to parenting I swear. So freaking annoying! And yet, I'm the only one waking up at the butt crack of dawn to feed her and change her diaper so they can kiss my sleep deprived arse.
Okay... *deep breath* /rant off lol.

I just became an auntie and I adore my niece, but I also know from the experience of babysitting (over 19 years of both helping my mom and actually watching children myself) that having a child up in your face for the entire day can spoil the child. Granted, you have things to do and can not leave the baby unattended. You may even be the only one watching her. However, your daughter will only expect you (and other people) to hold her all the time if it keeps up (and she will only get heavier as time flies). This is not to say that you do not hold her at times, but if it is possible to have the baby in a baby chair while you are doing work in the same room, do so. It will also give the baby a chance to develop some independence as she learns to play and interact with her baby toys.

PS: me, my niece and sister live with with our mom and older sister, so I know what it's like to not get any sleep.... and I start college next week. crying Fun awaits me then!  

[lunaci]

I just have to say it:

I read a post about children who I will call "Generation Z". Generation Z is what I will call the children of today who are disrespectful and nasty for absolutely no reason. It drives me crazy seeing posts about it simply because it reminds me of why it is important to punish the child by any means necessary, especially if you have to spank the child for acting up. A lot of children are totally devoid of respect (both from others as well as themselves) and it makes me wonder how their parents could fail to instill it into them? I can totally understand if the parent or parents tried to teach their children and they did not listen. However, a part of teaching children is to punish them when they knowingly do something wrong.

I could say more, but that is one topic that is too deep and multifaceted.  

[Delirium of the Endless]

Ok, I'm gonna make this as short as possible. First of all, I'm a type 2 bi-polar and have been my entire life. For those of you who don't know type 2's up is not "happy" it's pure blind rage. For the past 3 months I haven't been taking my medicine as often as I should because I've been struggling just to pay my bills. This past weekend it finally hit me. I began Friday feeling enraged by everything, I tried to go to work but couldn't stay. When my boss called me she spoke down to me and made me feel like T total s**t...which didn't help. Luckily I was off the next two days. Sat was much like Fri, but Sun. was when I came down...and I mean down. I sunk into such a deep depression. I felt hopless and lost and for the first time in a long time I cut myself. I became more depressed and dissapointed in myself. Anyways, I went to the dr. on Mon, how lucky I already had an appointment, and I was able to get a lot of things out. Happily I didn't have to admit myself to the hospital, and I have been on my meds for a week now and feel like myself again. Sorry if that's too long, but I had to get that off my chest.  

[Patron with a Mission]

Delirium of the Endless

Ok, I'm gonna make this as short as possible. First of all, I'm a type 2 bi-polar and have been my entire life. For those of you who don't know type 2's up is not "happy" it's pure blind rage. For the past 3 months I haven't been taking my medicine as often as I should because I've been struggling just to pay my bills. This past weekend it finally hit me. I began Friday feeling enraged by everything, I tried to go to work but couldn't stay. When my boss called me she spoke down to me and made me feel like T total s**t...which didn't help. Luckily I was off the next two days. Sat was much like Fri, but Sun. was when I came down...and I mean down. I sunk into such a deep depression. I felt hopless and lost and for the first time in a long time I cut myself. I became more depressed and dissapointed in myself. Anyways, I went to the dr. on Mon, how lucky I already had an appointment, and I was able to get a lot of things out. Happily I didn't have to admit myself to the hospital, and I have been on my meds for a week now and feel like myself again. Sorry if that's too long, but I had to get that off my chest.

I hope things turn out better for you. As for help paying for the medications, you might want to consider generic medications. It works about the same but is cheaper. That's what I've done regarding my anti-depression medication. Hope this helps.  

[Delirium of the Endless]

yeah, I get the generics when they are available. But not all my meds are generic yet. I appreciate the advice and kind words though. I'm doing much better now.  

[killafrog]

Delirium of the Endless

yeah, I get the generics when they are available. But not all my meds are generic yet. I appreciate the advice and kind words though. I'm doing much better now.

yeah you are doing better xd have a great day enjoy it