The golden joke

[Angelicphrase]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"  

[Exor Omega]

Very nice smile

I heard a good one the other day.

Everyone said that a black man would assume the presidency of the US when pigs fly.

100 days after Barak Obama took office: Swine flu

DA DA CHA  

[-Stumblefoot-]

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !" "Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old. "No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all." "Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old. "No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?" To which the eighty year old replied - "I don't wake up until ten!"  

[bandaidd]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"  

[bandaidd]

fun jokes, everyone!

a doctor dies and goes to the bad place. a demon scurries in, looking at the roster and tells the doctor that he's not sure which medical hell he has been assigned to, and asks him to wait in the lobby while he checks.

the doctor waits a while and then peeks in hell #1 where he sees doctors trying to save moaning, groaning, terribly mutilated patients without any equipment or medications. he shudders and peeks into hell #2 where he sees doctors working feverishly on piles of paperwork and death certificates. he looks into hell #3 where he sees beautiful scantily clad nurses waiting on doctors hand and foot.

he returns to his seat just as the demon returns and says, "the big guy says it really doesn't matter, you can have your choice of hell #1 or #2.

"But I'd much rather go to hell #3," replies the doctor.

The demon chuckles. "No, no, no. That's the nurses' hell!"  

[killafrog]

a guy in his 70's went up to a salesman asking about a mustang they strike up a deal and the guy drives out of the parking lot a bit fast. his teen age boy yrs was starting to come back as he went 60, 70, 90, 120, when a siren came up behind him he thought i can get away from so he went 140 mph then he relised wait i cant do this i havnt done anything wrong so he pulled over and waited for the cop to catch up. cop came to his window got his lisence looked up his record and saw he was clean so he came back and said if you can tell me a reason that i havnt heard before i'll let you go on a warning. well a yr ago my wife ran away with a cop and i thought you were bringing her back to me.  

[Ringlefinch]

 

[Nei1]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.. It was
a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30
that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from
school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector.
Now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments.” answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied.. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
your son!"

And with a whack, Martha was out of her chair and on the floor...
 

[Ringlefinch]

A man walks into a restaurant with a large ostrich following behind him.
They sit down and the waitress comes across to take their order. The man
says: "A hamburger, fries and a coke." She looks at the ostrich sitting
there and it says: "I'll have the same." They both eat in silence and when
the waitress came across with the bill, which came to ?12.40, the man
reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount.

The next day the man and the ostrich come again and again the man says,
"A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact money for
the bill.

On the third night, the waitress sees them come in and says: "Hi folks,
the usual?" The man replies: "No thanks, being as it's Friday night I'll
have a steak, baked potato and salad." The ostrich says: "I'll have the same."

Afterwards, when the waitress brought the bill for ?21.60 over, the man
pulled the exact amount out of his pocket and placed it in her hand.

Being a polite waitress she had never commented on this unusual situation but
she felt she had to say something at this. "Excuse me sir," she said. "How do
you always manage to have the exact amount in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My
first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand
in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million
pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as
you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money
is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and replies: "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big a** and long legs who agrees with everything I say."  

[Ringlefinch]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."



wait for it..................



"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

xp

 

[FallenSammy]

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a
visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and
gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she
was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and
they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me
three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.
The man replied, 'Ontario'.
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario.'
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked
me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

[Lilith Amaranth]

Here's one for our military personal
Many Thanks to all of you!!!!


Dirty Magazines

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
 

[Ringlefinch]

Lilith Amaranth

Here's one for our military personal
Many Thanks to all of you!!!!


Dirty Magazines

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

xd

Ah! Bless!!

 

[Pink Fregia]

Blind Date


Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
 

[Lilith Amaranth]

And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:

"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"