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 Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2018 8:52 pm
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My aunt came down with cancer last year. I think I already wrote about it, but it was a hard time because everyone in my family (minus my grandfather) has died of cancer, and I knew as soon as she got those bags put into her that this was the end. The doctors said this was the easiest form of cancer to cure and that she'd be a-ok 110% in just a few weeks. My heart and soul told me otherwise and that she was going to pass fighting cancer.
About 2 or 3 days ago, my mother took me and my sister aside. She told us she went to see our aunt and the image of her was forever burned into her head. She couldn't bear the thought of seeing her like this. She's so decrepit and looks ancient and unhealthy, and she can't function. Our mom and dad both don't want us to see her because they know it's an image we won't forget. They want us to remember our aunt the way we do now.
Needless to say, I cried. What I thought to be true was true and I knew my aunt was going to pass. So I went to bed that night and I said a prayer. To Odin. God of war, chooser of the valiant slain who die fighting a battle. I asked that he take her to Valhalla should she pass, and that with her will and strength and perseverance through fighting cancer she would be a valiant warrior who deserves eternal joy and a place among the most powerful warriors ever.
Tonight I did a rune reading for Yuletide. I said a prayer to Odin for being a friend and walking with me through every step of life, and thanked Him for being my companion that's helped me through everything hard, easy, in between, everything. And when I finished the prayer and did my reading I got "naud" which is the rune of loss, peril, toil, and destruction of a connection with somebody. I think Odin is telling me my aunt is going to pass any day soon, but He will walk with me through it like He has everything else. That Odin has heard my prayer and will take my aunt's soul valiantly to His halls and watch over her. I know I'm going to lose my aunt. But I think it's going to be ok now... Just maybe...
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Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2018 11:50 am
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Posted: Wed Dec 26, 2018 8:14 pm
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Posted: Thu Dec 27, 2018 11:18 am
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I love that I'm one of the most hilariously unexpected people you'll ever meet. First off, I dress every day like I'm ready for the heavy metal hall of fame fashion show and I have legit scared mothers and children with my appearance. Second, I'm transgender so naturally people expect very little of me and even detest me, assuming the bare minimum in my actions, performance, life, whatever. It happens more often than people realize. But for example, at the store despite all customers obviously knowing I'm trans since we get regulars and they've seen me progress in my transition, I am one of the most selfless workers there. We work right outside one of the poorest cities, so lots of people struggle and when they can't afford that last bit of money, I, that terrifying looking metalhead trans guy who you detest whether you're saying it or not, I pull the money out from my wallet and pay it off for you because it's right and I care about you being happy. It's a thing I do like 2 times per week at least nowadays, and people are always surprised and thankful when I do it. Their happiness is all that matters in the end to me. Another thing is, when people friend me online or follow me, they see this terrifying metalhead dude who falls asleep listening to Amon Amarth and Caladan Brood posting kittens and tiny turtles while openly admitting I cry over how cute they are and how much joy they bring. Like a good 95% of what I post is just... animals. I'm always promoting animal rescue funds and organisations, environmental conservation and whatnot (openly, I'm a tree hugger and a huge conservationist in general). When I go on walks, oftentimes cats and dogs take notice of me and I love them instantly. I'll rush up to them, hug them and talk in a baby voice that's really high pitched despite my low voice, all while blaring metal songs about ancient armies traversing forgotten lands to slay evil foes in bloody combat. One time a mother and her little daughters were walking a dog, and I am extremely socially awkward and somewhat inept, so I just shyly approached them while dressed in a black band tee with a blood-covered viking stomping on his slaughtered foe beneath him, ripped jeans and combat boots and thick leather gauntlets, and topping it off, my torn jean vest with metal band patches all over it. I asked in a really heasitant voice, "C--can I please pet your dog?" The mother, equally heasitant, said yeah and out of nowhere I just lit up and started talking in my baby voice and squealing in joy as I cuddled this adorable dog and kissed her and the mother physically took a step back with her mouth agape and eyes wide. I thanked her profusely afterward and she still was visibly shocked but just... kind of nodded and kept walking, unable to think of what to say. Another day this neighbor's cat ran right up to me and started following me for 3 blocks, and I took like 50 videos of him snuggling and loving me, I kissed him and scratched his face, and dressed in the exact same fashion as that day, I walked to a neighbor and asked, also shyly, if he knew if "this sweet little baby belong to anybody because I'd love to care for him if he doesn't." (He did, and they're a very loving family). When people visit my house and they come inside my room, they see mountains of stuffed animals, collected toys and all the nerd memorabilia, and they're taken aback at the sight. I sleep under 3 blankets at night, one with kittens and another of Star Wars, and I cuddle penguin plushies the entire night. Nobody ever expects this super dark looking guy to be a bright and lovable man. I love everything and everyone. I always will. biggrin
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Posted: Thu Dec 27, 2018 3:39 pm
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2019 6:15 pm
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Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2019 4:36 pm
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This past week has been a battle with my doctors to get my goddamn paperwork and test results in. I've begged at least three times a day for the past 5 days for them to do this, and it's been hectic. Nothing has gone right, I've been getting call after call and all this other stuff, and it's just been a mess.
Today was the worst day I've had. In a long time. smile
After being told, "We'll get right on it right this minute!" all week, I received a call today from my surgeon AGAIN, but this time she said, "Look. If we don't get your paperwork today we're cancelling the surgery." I put $12,000 of my own money into this and can't refund it. I worked my entire second semester around the surgery and my job. So I continued calling the doctor, then the surgeon, then the doctor, then the surgeon, for 5 hours.
While the 5 hours went on I received a call from my mother. "I'm going to the hospital with my friend because she got into a bad accident and they had to cut her out of her car."
Meanwhile I was in agony because I got my period and couldn't take anything for the intense pain since the surgery doesn't allow me to. But I might not be getting the surgery at this point!
So I was stressed and drove out for chocolate since chocolate helps periods and I love it. But as I turned out of my neighborhood, this car sped easily a good 20mph over the limit just inches from me and honked, passed me in a double yellow lane, and we wound up going a mile down the same road and at every stoplight he just waved the middle finger for the entire time at me. I blared my horn, nearly in tears because I was terrified I wasn't going to get my necessary surgery now I've been planning for 2 months, that my mom wasn't ok, that I now wasn't ok, and I barely made it to the store to buy candy.
I drove home extremely distressed. I got another call from my doctor, she finally faxed the stuff over. I got a call immediately after from my surgeon. "The paperwork was sent over but it's cut off so it's unusable." I called back the doctor. They resent everything, they said. I immediately got another call from the surgeon after I hung up. "It's only 4/13 pages and one is cut off." I called the doctor AGAIN and there was nobody there to pick up, they closed. The surgeon closed.
The doctors worked and scanned everything overtime FINALLY, the surgeons's office is closed, but the doctors sent digital copies of all the results to me, my mother, and the surgeon and I'm supposed to receive a call tomorrow morning at 9.
But shorty after, my mom returned home and my little brother, just after an accident last week, drove for the first time and another person also sped around him and nearly crashed into the oncoming traffic.
Today is a ******** joke. smile
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Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2019 8:51 pm
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Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2019 8:43 am
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Paladin Magnus Dawnguard This past week has been a battle with my doctors to get my goddamn paperwork and test results in. I've begged at least three times a day for the past 5 days for them to do this, and it's been hectic. Nothing has gone right, I've been getting call after call and all this other stuff, and it's just been a mess. Today was the worst day I've had. In a long time. smile After being told, "We'll get right on it right this minute!" all week, I received a call today from my surgeon AGAIN, but this time she said, "Look. If we don't get your paperwork today we're cancelling the surgery." I put $12,000 of my own money into this and can't refund it. I worked my entire second semester around the surgery and my job. So I continued calling the doctor, then the surgeon, then the doctor, then the surgeon, for 5 hours. While the 5 hours went on I received a call from my mother. "I'm going to the hospital with my friend because she got into a bad accident and they had to cut her out of her car." Meanwhile I was in agony because I got my period and couldn't take anything for the intense pain since the surgery doesn't allow me to. But I might not be getting the surgery at this point! So I was stressed and drove out for chocolate since chocolate helps periods and I love it. But as I turned out of my neighborhood, this car sped easily a good 20mph over the limit just inches from me and honked, passed me in a double yellow lane, and we wound up going a mile down the same road and at every stoplight he just waved the middle finger for the entire time at me. I blared my horn, nearly in tears because I was terrified I wasn't going to get my necessary surgery now I've been planning for 2 months, that my mom wasn't ok, that I now wasn't ok, and I barely made it to the store to buy candy. I drove home extremely distressed. I got another call from my doctor, she finally faxed the stuff over. I got a call immediately after from my surgeon. "The paperwork was sent over but it's cut off so it's unusable." I called back the doctor. They resent everything, they said. I immediately got another call from the surgeon after I hung up. "It's only 4/13 pages and one is cut off." I called the doctor AGAIN and there was nobody there to pick up, they closed. The surgeon closed. The doctors worked and scanned everything overtime FINALLY, the surgeons's office is closed, but the doctors sent digital copies of all the results to me, my mother, and the surgeon and I'm supposed to receive a call tomorrow morning at 9. But shorty after, my mom returned home and my little brother, just after an accident last week, drove for the first time and another person also sped around him and nearly crashed into the oncoming traffic. Today is a ******** joke. smile
Wow, that sounds so aggravating! By the date I'm looking at, it seems that your surgery is today. Or certainly no later than tomorrow. Rooting for you!! I know this is a tremendously huge, huge, huge life event for you. |
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Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2019 8:36 am
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Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2019 8:53 am
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So! biggrin Now that I've gotten my top surgery, I've decided on the tattoo I'll be getting over my scar!!!
In Norse mythology, Jormungandr is the world serpent who encases Midgard (Earth). He wraps around the entire world and is large enough to bite his own tail. Legends say when he lets go of this tail that destruction will follow, and Ragnarok (the end of the world) will begin as Thor goes to fight Jormungandr and ultimately is eaten by him.
I want to get a tattoo of Jormungandr wrapping around my torso and back, and where my scar points up a little, he will bite his tail and that will be the center of the piece.
I've got to save the money because I have none right now (not working for a month will do that to you), but I'll be commissioning famous Norse tattoo artist Sean Parry for the piece. It might finally be my excuse to fly out to England and visit, tour around, and explore my favorite place: Scotland!!! biggrin (I blame Shakespeare and metal music for making me obsessed with it.) His works are gorgeous, and every piece he's done impresses me. So I figured he'd be my best fit, and I've had my sights set on him for the artist since like November lol. I'm not sure when I'll get the tattoo, though, considering my scar needs to heal properly first. But thus far it's doing well! I'll probably ask at my 6 weeks appointment if the doctors think it's alright then to get the tattoo, or at least consider it (they're a trans health center and so they'll know how far along in the healing process it should be before I get one over the scarring).
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Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2019 9:01 am
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Also I forgot to say the most hilarious experience I had in my recovery so far.
The night after surgery I returned home, but obviously there was quite some pain. So I took my pain medication: oxy. Yes. They gave me ******** oxy. So, sleepy and exhausted from the surgery, I went back to bed with the oxy in my system and. Uh.
"Hey, you want to go get some pizza?" a man asked.
"Yeah, sure! Let's get some pizza!" a woman replied.
"Great!" said the man.
I looked around the room. I was alone. It was silent and nearly pitch black. Nobody was in the room with me yet this conversation was heard clear as day.
"Come on, let's get going," the man insisted.
"Yeah. I'm hungry," the woman commented.
I just groaned and looked at the ceiling, realizing I was hallucinating because of the oxy and just drowned out this "conversation" and fell asleep. I refused to take it after that, and just stuck to Tylenol instead. Out of all the things I could have had happening, I hallucinated a conversation about pizza. What the hell?
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Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2019 8:51 pm
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Today was my last checkup for my top surgery! I'm on light duty for 4 more weeks, but everything else is done!
Note, this next part will talk about sex characteristics, blood, and skin problems.
Finally, I got the last tube out today. After surgery they'll put two tubes in (one on each side), but they needed to stay in an extra week after the surgery because my body with lupus is messed up and I had excessive bleeding. The right one fell out mid-way through the week, and my left one had to just get pulled out (it felt so strange). I'm so relieved, especially because the stitches poked at my arms for 2 weeks and they were thicker than fishing wire. I was in agony, but now they're gone and I am free.
For a week I had to use large bandaids, and I've been reminded by this after 10 years that I'm still allergic to adhesives. I got a horrible rash on my chest and I couldn't take the pain anymore, but now I'm free from everything and therefore good to go! No more bandages, no more meds, I can wear normal shirts again, all that kind of stuff, and it's awesome. I look so masculine and I'm so confident in myself it's amazing. I just feel heartbroken when people misgender me after having gone through all this, but hopefully that won't last longer considering I'm nearly a year on T and it's making a huge difference so far. I'm very happy with how I look. I just... this is literally everything I've been wanting and needing my whole life.
I remember when my mom and the surgeon were in the room to do my initial consultation, I took off my shirt to reveal the breasts and they were extremely disfigured. My left was nearly twice the size of the right and the areola were nearly the entire size of each breast. Both their jaws dropped, and I just nodded. They were ugly and awful and horrid. And last night my mom and I spoke, and she told me how astounded she was when she saw my feminine aspects growing up. She said that (and we agreed this was in a kind way) my body before testosterone was just overall disfigured. My breasts were so unnatural, when I hit female puberty my voice dropped lower and seemed masculine rather than feminine, my whole body figure just looked like a cross between female and male, I began growing neck hair and a little facial hair, my shoulders broadened but also somehow got slimmer, and overall I just wasn't obviously feminine. My body, when I would get dressed in the locker rooms, looked nothing like the other girls'. It was infinitely hairier no matter how much I shaved, my facial structure was just more masculine, and the list could go on. When I started T, my mom and I realized my body just honestly looked the way it was supposed to. I look like a person now, not... a mix of whatever. I never looked female, but I didn't look male, either, and now I do. And it's like all my life, this body was trying to tell me that. Now I have absolutely nothing to worry about ever again, and my body is entirely perfect. smile I'm just the way I was always meant to be.
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Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2019 7:12 am
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