The golden joke

[Ringlefinch]

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and
said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see
the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building
Regulations Approval.
I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler
system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for
building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even
though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future
costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing
of it.
Getting the wood was another problem.
All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a
Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted
owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the
owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental
impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons.
They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building
experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not
going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The British Government are already in the process of
doing it."  

[Pink Fregia]

Not exactly a joke but it's funny.  

[Liada Trovaras]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six!" he said.  

[Ringlefinch]

A man awakes in a hospital bed with a golf club sized dent in his head, surrounded by doctors and puzzled police officers who want to know what happened to him.

'Well, I was playing golf with my wife. I'd been having a great game but unfortunately she wasn't. On the 15th tee I hit a beautiful shot, 270 metres straight down the fairway. My wife steps up and hits a tremendous slice that leaves the course and lands in the pasture out of bounds. We both went looking for the ball and just as we were about to give up I spotted a glint of white coming from a cows behind, just under its tail. I lifted the tail to make sure, and then called to my wife saying, 'here, honey, this looks like yours.'.. That's the last thing I remember.'

 

[Liada Trovaras]

The spanking that is done in porno movies is not real. I have been married 12 years and I have never spanked my wife's a**. Then I thought maybe that's what we're missing?

Turns out - Nope. That's not what we're missing.

That's really something that you need to start early on in the dating process. You don't want to wait 12 years to pull that one out of your bag of tricks. Because that will spark some conversation. She was like, "Where did that come from?" I responded, "Ah, I saw it in a movie. What? You don't like that? Okay."

"I can lick your butt. I saw that in the movie too."  

[Ringlefinch]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs, one night he's doing a show in a small town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh!t on your knee."

xp

 

[Lilith Amaranth]

MY FIRST TIME

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came..
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever


At milking a cow..  

[Ringlefinch]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

 

[Suede_Shoes]

Rocky Mountain Oysters

It was this man's first time watching a bull fight. The struggle between man and beast was spectacular. It finally ended as the matador slayed the bull. The man had worked up quite an appetite from all the excitement and went to a restaurant that served up a special plate after the bull fight.

As he waited for his waiter to arrive and take his order, he noticed someone being served two large meatballs. He had never seen anything so exquisite before, so he had to have it. His waiter finally came along and the man asked if he could have the same thing. The waiter told him that this would not be possible, as they only serve it once after the bull fight; he would just have to wait for the next bull fight and reserve it. That's exactly what he did.

The day of the next bull fight, he was so excited to have this meal that he returned to the restaurant instead of attending the fight. He was sat at a table and he waited for his meal to arrive. There it was, finally, being carted over by his waiter. The waiter placed it in front of him, platter and all, and removed the dome lid to reveal two measly balls of meat not fit to be called a meal. The man was furious, he exclaimed,"What the heck is this? The ones I saw the other day were much larger than this." To this the waiter replied,"Well, sometimes the man wins and sometimes the bull wins."  

[The Unknown Shadow]

One day a police officer was out on patrol one day on a desert highway. Suddenly, he saw a young blond woman driving a Cherry Red 1963 Chevy Impala and wearing headphones.

The officer pulls her over to the side and yanks off her headphones. Instantly, the blonde woman dies.

Horrified, the officer put on the headphones, wondering what just happened. Slowly a voice chanted over the headphones that said repeatedly "Breathe in. . .breathe out, breathe in. . .breathe out, breathe in. . ."  

[Pink Fregia]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.
'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more
than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

'Yes!' he replied.

PLEASE SCROLL DOWN

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OOOOH! You're gonna dislike me for this -
but it will make your day!

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'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'



And People Ask Me Why I Like Retirement

 

[Pink Fregia]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after and
house her neighbors' male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a
large house however and believed that she could keep them apart but as she
was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed
downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to
disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was
late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said."hang up the phone and
place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of
the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me!" he replied.  

[Pink Fregia]

HOW 2 SATISFY A WOMAN; caress, excite, cuddle,
fascinate, spoil, kiss, rub, tease, pamper, console,
worship, respect & love.

HOW 2 SATISFY A MAN; blow job
 

[bandaidd]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"  

[Lilith Amaranth]

What goes in hard and comes out soft?







Gum, what the hell where you thinking.