Perhaps I'm the idiot.

[Darling Depressant]

Okay, so perhaps I'm the idiot when it comes to this little tit-for-tat relationship I have going on with *Dustin.
For those of you who don't know, you can find my previous complaint here - http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=10796755

Anywho.. He was only supposed to come back to visit (He had moved away to 'clean up'), but once he got back to Virginia his room mate decided to kick him out, and brought all his stuff back. So, he moved in with his Aunt, and has been trying to get a job.

He's been back for about two and a half weeks, and already he's been breaking promises to me.

Before he even came back, I told him this would be his last chance - that I was tired of having my heart stomped on because he couldn't make the right decisions. Well, he promised to stop drinking and doing drugs (again). But within the first few days he was here, he went out and got drunk with some of his old 'friends', and proceeded to lie to me about it. (How do I know? My neighbor is very truthful.)

Now.. I let it slip because I know its hard to stop doing all that stuff, but what really pissed me off is that he lied to me, even after he knew I knew the truth.

I tried to explain to him that as long as he was hanging out with his old 'friends' he was never going to clean up, because they were going to keep dragging him back down to where he was last. He said that wasn't true, yadda yadda.

But see. Two nights ago I was talking to my neighbor again, and randomly he was like "So, are you and *Dustin going out?" And I told him no, that I didn't want to title our relationship until I could trust him, and know he's really stopped everything; but we were working on it. And he goes "Oh.. Well.. He's trying to hook up with some girl named *Shay" So, of course, I call *Dustin up and ask him about it, and he's all "Yeah, I like her. She's cool" And then turns around and goes "I only said it to see if you would get jealous. I love you, you're the only girl for me." And it just downright pissed me the eff' off, so I hung up on him.

Well, lastnight after I got home from our thanksgiving dinner, my neighbor Im'ed me and was like "Um, so you know, *Dustin's been drinking tonight, and he's at *Shay's house trying to get with her right now. He's going to stay the night there" Which of course, totally ripped my heart in two right there and then. So, I called him, crying, and told him I gave up.

He was hiccupping, and basically sounded really messed up on the phone.
But, he asked me why, so I told him he'd been drinking and he was with a girl I didn't trust him with anymore. And he started contradicting everything he said.

First it was "I'm drinking because its thanksgiving" And two minutes later, "I'm not drinking! I haven't drank at all tonight!"

And then "Yeah, I like *Shay*" Then "No, I'm so over her. I love you." Then (Again) "I only said I liked her to see how jealous you got"

Well... Needless to say I told him I gave up, and hung up on him. He didn't bother calling back (Mind you, the entire time we were talking he'd start laughing and yell at one of his friends)

So, he calls me up today, and asks if he can come over (I'm assuming he doesnt remember much from lastnight..), and I tell him no. He starts freaking out saying he doesnt want to deal with my complaining, and that he didn't do anything wrong. So.. I told him that if he wanted to fix things, then to come over. But if he wanted to leave them how they were, not to talk to me anymore.

I'm pretty stupid, arent I?

I really do love him, but I am tired of getting hurt from all of it. What I don't understand the most is, if he truely doesnt care about me, why in the effing world is he trying so darn hard to get on my parents good side again? Just so he can gain their trust and continue stomping all over my heart at the same time?

Uggg...

EDIT!!!!

Okay.. So after all of this, I ended up talking to him on the phone for a few hours. He told me he'd start going to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) to prove that he can be a better person.

Should I trust him?

It's almost been a year since this stuff started..

 

[Sprockette]

Your pain is understandable, but is there a reason he's been drinking? Maybe something happened to him where he feels drinknig will kill the pain...or numb it. Somehow he might fit in as a normal human being.
Quitting this kind of habit is hard and easy to slide back in. But you have to keep your faith in him. He needs that more than anything. Sometimes guys are confused about his feelings.
Just talk to him and be honest with how you feel when he drinks.Tell him that sometimes the things he says when he's drunk hurt you. His drinking bothers you sometimes and then just listen to him.
Don't argue, or bring up anything.
Just let him talk, you learn a lot about a person when they just talk to you and you listen.
After he is done talking just speak your mind in a calm manner and ask him to just listen.
The last thing anyone needs in this situation is screaming,yelling,and conflict.  

[Darling Depressant]

He has no reason to drink.
His only reason is because he enjoys it.
And, if you went through the same things I've been going through with him.. I doubt you'd be telling me to keep faith in him.

 

[Sprockette]

Well, maybe there's something he's not tellig you. Maybe he does have a reason, maybe not. But I bet you don't know everything about him, and maybe there have been to many people losing faith in him and then you're going to be another person that just gives up on him because you can't handle him.
There are many things we humans give up on that we shouldn't give up, one of those things is love.
No one ever said loving someone was easy, and sometimes we try to find excuses to make giving up a reason to leave.
That's why talking to him would help a lot.
For him and you, it'll show you the reason you love him.  

[Darling Depressant]

I've known him since I moved here; around the age of one. He was two or three. I've known his entire family for most of my life, and they all love him very much. Literally, the only reason he has to drink is because he likes it.

He doesn't care that it hurts other people, because if he did, he would stop. People don't want to give up on him, but when he's nineteen and sneaks into his parents house to throw a party while they are away; trashing the entire place.. It's hard not too. He also looses all since of mind when he's drunk; he gets mentally and physically abusive.

After the last time he attacked me when drunk, I refuse to go around him when I know he's drinking. So I can't help him.

He always waits until the last minute to try and fix anything, too. Like this time.. After I told him I gave up, he said he'd start going to AA if I stayed with him. But I know how it'll end.

It's been nearly a year since we started 'dating', and all he's done is depress me.

I dont want to give up on him, becuase he's an amazing person when he's not drunk.

I just dont know if I should trust him with this.

 

[Sprockette]

Well if you care about him so much you wll try other things to help him get his mind off of drinking.
Show him some other ways to have fun.
Take him to go see a movie
Take him to the park play some sports with him.
Make a point to go out every Friday,or some other day of the week,and do something together.
Recreate your first date, make a list of all the things you love about him and have him do the same.
And not to sound rude,that's not what Im trying to achieve that tone, but every family has a few skeletons in their closet and you may have made mistakes in your past as well,but you've come to realize those mistakes....he has not.
Help him to realize that drinking can destroy relationships and other priorities.
If you have to, suggest to his parents rehab.
If you're a religous person, take him to a pastor and have him talk to *Dustin.
In the end you and *Dustin have to make the decision to stay together or not. No one else can make these decisions for you or him.
But just consider some things:
-Not everyone is as they seem.
-Giving up is never the answer
-No one knows all the answers to everything.
-Everyone is entitled to mistakes,and Im gonna quote something from the Bible that has helped me a lot,but if you're not religous you can ignore this: It says when someone has done something wrong against you to turn your cheek "77" times, but it doesn't literally mean that.It means no matter what, turn the other cheek. Because that's what we'd want done unto us. Forgiveness is an important part of this.
-Which brings me to my next point,no one is perfect.
-Put yourself in his shoes.Look through his eyes,in a sense.
Just somethings to consider.

EDIT: But it's understandable when someone gets drunk you don't want to be physically abused or mentally,quite understandable.
It's understandable to not want to trust him.
I am in no way trying to put you down, but I only have one side of the story so I can only work with that.  

[Darling Depressant]

I've -been- trying to get his mind off of all of it - he just cares more about drinking and his 'friends' then he does me.

Believe me, I've been doing everything in my power to help him. And he's nineteen, his parents can't do crap for him anymore. They can't force him into rehab like they could if he was underage.

I need advice because I dont know what to do to make him realize. He always waits until the last minute to try and 'clean up' but then all of his so called friends stop talking to him so he goes back to it. and he doesnt understand as long as he talks to those people he'll never get clean. And its not like I can be mean to them, because it'll turn him against me.

And yes, i know that. But seriously. He has NO reason to drink aside from 'its fun'.

Seriously.. something doesnt have to happen in someones life to make them party animals.

I like to go out and do things with him - but its difficult because he always wants to go to a party. (BIG NO), or a concert. And I'm nervous in big crowds. Like, I have nervous break downs and start crying and trembling. So I can't go to places like that to keep an eye on him, nor do I want to be his babysitter.

It's not easy. It really isn't. And I don't know what to do anymore. He's not really going to go to AA, he just said it so I'd stop yelling at him. (Mind you, I only yell when he ignores me because he NEVER listens when I just talk.)

 

[K1T3]

you should've left him alone. he's now gonna drag you down with him. love isn't a feeling who cares about feelings you can't read his mind and know what he's feeling. love is a behavior. and the way he's been behaving is a way that will destroy your life.  

[Darling Depressant]

Wtf?
Love isn't a behavior.
People can love another and not do anything about it.
Love is a feeling when you have deep compassion and concern for someone. Of course its so much more tied into that one word.
But how the heck is love a behavior?
No one is going to slap your wrist going, "You need to stop behaving so love!"

 

[Calypsophia]

this guy is incredibly bad for you. he sounds like he'd not be good for anyone wanting a serious relationship with him. he's too self-centered for that. either he doesnt know what he wants, or he knows what he wants (everything) and is playing you for a fool. but we cant have 'everything'. we cant have our cake and eat it to. a real relationship starts with sacrifice and he's definately not ready for that. you dont need him. you can do much much better.  

[Darling Depressant]

See. That's the problem.
Everyone keeps telling me I can do better then him - and perhaps they're right... But it doesnt mean I want too. I need advice on how to solve this - other then leaving him. I love him, and its not easy to abandon someone when you truly to love them. I just don't know what I can do. I've already left him alone for a good three to four months, and that didn't work. Infact, his drug and alcohol use worsened. I don't want him to die, just because his support is gone. But I don't know what to do to support him anymore.