Runnin' Blind

[White Siren Queen]

...
Well.. Here's the thing.

I'm a 14 year old.
Yeah, so just starting to read this you may automatically think "Oh, it's a young teen going through a few issues so she'll be fine. She's just growin' up"

But.. I've been through a bit. I know a pretty good amount of things that deal with the aspects of life and it's true and cruel realities. And I know that we keep alive just to experiance what few great things life's got to offer. Living life to it's fullest.

And here's the problem...

Say for an example.
Ye'h, you're the young teen, the kind that's been through a little too much.
You've turned into a somewhat bi polar, more than two-faced, manipulative decieving person.
You've gone through and know enough to which you can even see through to a person's soul (And by that I mean judge them and find out exactly what they're all about just from hearing their voice), analyze any problem and solve it with in an instant, and speak and take action with such words to which you can convince and make and/or advise anyone to do what's right or even wrong. You know about Love, the one thing that majority of the world cannot define, but you can. You know about religion and the conflicts it brings. And all the sacrifices and most of the hardships in life.
You've been through it and well enough to which you can almost even see "what'll happen next, and what action will bring these chain of events."

You've been there and done most of that, you used to be the bully, you used to be the caring person. And everything inbetween.

But what happens when after all that, you feel like life is getting pointless again?

And so now I feel I'm runnin' blind.

I know it's no state of depression, or denial... I certainly don't feel that way. And life doesn't seem blank or empty, nothing of that sort. But life doesn't seem happy and exciting either. Even though everything is somewhat alright.

But would if your heart just doesn't want to do crap anymore?
It doesn't want to be mean. But it doesn't want to care?
And your mind enters this state of emptiness.
Almost like a black void.

It's strange...
I've a boyfriend.. who I love ever so much... Cause he's the one who's keeping me from falling into this mental crisis. He's cared for me so much and I care for him. And I don't want to leave him... cause I fear if I do... My mind and soul would sublime into a state of pure emptiness... and he might go through the same, or worse... and I don't want that...
But I feel as if... everything is all still going away...
People I know and loved ones are dropping dead like flies recently...
But I feel no saddness. No pain.
And there is much conflict and drama going around me, and happening to my loved ones and friends as well...
I give my advice as usual, and help them out of it...
But it doesn't make me happy anymore. I don't feel that good feeling for when you help someone, and that action usually makes you feel great about yourself. Like you've made a great accomplishment.
But I feel like I just don't mind it anymore.

I've fought for life and the good things in life. I've suffered and sacrificed to keep what I've got. To keep hold of what few treasures I have in life. My family. My loved ones.

I am Gothic and a sinful Christian (Catholic if you may.), and all that cutting crap. I don't cry. However
I am weak. But persistant enough to keep going through life, no matter how painful it is or was, or how blank it is and more plain and white it's becoming now.

So I just want to know... What do any of you think will happen?...  

[Belle-Manon]

That's how I feel a lot of the time, and that is what would be called depression, I'm pretty sure.


I have no boyfriend, and I have absolutely no one to hold me up. Trust me. There will be light.  

[DvnT]

What will happen you ask? Hard to say. I know what your going through, and i wouldnt recommend going the way i did. Ive now adapted to people so well, i can tell that they are lying about being happy when theyve only said "hi". Dont go that way. Only confusion down that path.

I say, find some thing that is fun. Something that you know you can look forward to. Any thing, and plan it. Whether its once a day, once a week, or once a month, just plan it untill your doing better.

Trust me, you will get over it, as long as you dont let it controll your life. Dont say "oh poor me" and all that jazz, say, "i get to look forward to some thing later." thats what i should have done.

Does that help?  

[shani26]

You ask what will happened. well it depend partly on you and partly on realty. There are some things you can influence and some you can't. The things i am trying to learn right now is which is which.
You have all the answers, so mybe you just need to give advice for others, like me. anyway as long as you live, you supose to do something with your life, if you know all the answers then you should get a degree and work as a school counselor or something similar.  

[White Siren Queen]

I'd like to thank those of you who have given your opinion so far.

Quote:

Aline Ambrosette Amalthia
Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 4:54 pm

That's how I feel a lot of the time, and that is what would be called depression, I'm pretty sure.


I have no boyfriend, and I have absolutely no one to hold me up. Trust me. There will be light.

Aline, I thank you for your words of comfort. I don't know if there's more then one type of depression.. maybe it's because I'm still merely a teen.
But I'd always felt that depression was a state of deep saddistic emotion. A feeling of which can bring quite much pain.
I'm not feeling any pain at all... But no happiness either... so I'm unsure.
However, I do hope you may find someone, or will someday in life, if not already, stand tall and strong on your feet. I wish you much happiness and luck.

Quote:

dvn -camilla price-
Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 9:18 pm

What will happen you ask? Hard to say. I know what your going through, and i wouldnt recommend going the way i did. Ive now adapted to people so well, i can tell that they are lying about being happy when theyve only said "hi". Dont go that way. Only confusion down that path.

I say, find some thing that is fun. Something that you know you can look forward to. Any thing, and plan it. Whether its once a day, once a week, or once a month, just plan it untill your doing better.

Trust me, you will get over it, as long as you dont let it controll your life. Dont say "oh poor me" and all that jazz, say, "i get to look forward to some thing later." thats what i should have done.

Does that help?

Dvn, thanks for the advice.
However, in the factor of having to try and find something fun, it's hard to do. I'm limited to many things.
I'm unallowed to be at the computer constantly, or make phone calls, or have friends over. I'm not allowed outside the house unless I'm going out to school, or church, family gatherings, and if anything, nowhere without parental supervision. And with school, it's study-study-study all the time. The smallest mistakes can bring shame and disappointment in my father's eyes. And I don't want that. A Failure is the worst thing to be, especially since I am a junior to my father (Born on the same date as him) and especially since his first daughter had disappointed him (failed) severely. I live within a house that holds a family of strict morals. The only true fun I find is with my love, who's an online boyfriend, and so as though I love him so much, it's difficult with the restrictions I have on the computer.
In an example, a couple nights ago my dad got angry about me and it was about the subject of me being on the computer.
I've tried and looked hard, but there are very few things that are pleasing to me in life these days...

But you are right about one thing... and hopefully this condition.. whether it be depression or some ill state of mentality, will not take over and control my life. I try hard not to let it do so, but I feel I might give up. I'm trying... I'm trying hard. Hopefully, maybe entering highschool will give me the chances and opportunities to escape from home.
Thank you much, and I hope life and light will smile apon you and continue to do so with greatness.

Quote:

shani26
Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 11:54 am

You ask what will happened. well it depend partly on you and partly on realty. There are some things you can influence and some you can't. The things i am trying to learn right now is which is which.
You have all the answers, so mybe you just need to give advice for others, like me. anyway as long as you live, you supose to do something with your life, if you know all the answers then you should get a degree and work as a school counselor or something similar.

shani, what you say is true.
It does partly depend on me, and the things around me, reality. But as I've said in reply to dvn -camilla price-'s quote, there are quite a few limits in my life. I give others lots of advice, and often help them out of their situations. Most of the time I know what to do. I lead life straight through. Plain and simple. The problem is, I'm not feeling like I've done good or bad, or anything. Just not feeling emotion really anymore. I'm not sad. I'm not happy. I know what my purpose is so far. Yes, to go through school, graduate, get a job, and take over the family house-hold. But what then? All I'll do is get older, rot, and die. Life is just getting so grim and still. Like nothing is happening at all, nothing in action, except time passing us by.

Thanks shani, and I hope you succeed in your goals in life. I wish you luck.  

[shani26]

Hmm the way you describe life as rot an die, is really not for my taste. I say life is more like trying to take every minuts and find the nice thing about it or at list lesson i can learn from.  

[White Siren Queen]

Well.. life is going fairly well... thanks to my loving Hun...
And I thank you all for your advice and compassion here.
It is much appreciated...

There are still times when I feel there is nothing that can heal me... no friends, no family...

It's true that time does tell.. I only wish time went by faster... so that I can heal...

Life is a cycle. We live. We hurt. We bleed. We heal... and it repeats...
We hate to be hurt... but the worst thing about hurting is hurting to a point where you've become numbed... and not feeling a thing can sometimes be the worst thing than feeling pain. Without pain, there is not pleasure. With numbness, there is nothing.

Truthfully, I hope that all will go well. That I may continue to feel once again. And I thank God my love is still with me... Who ever knew love could be so strong as to keep you on your feet.. (Or at least for me in my case...) Funny... I used to think of love as only an object that got in the way of life... how Ironic.  

[Fake Aorta]

Reading your first post....It reminded me somewhat of me....You can say that no one else could ever expirience that, but if you did, you'd be wrong.

My life has become dull....With my friends asking me the same things, my family treating me the same way...Nothing has changed...I feel...Dull...Except that........I feel that I can pull through. My friend Isaac has helped keep my life from becoming pointless.....I see things in ways that few can.

My advice....Is to....Ride a roller coaster.

Trust me....  

[Fake Aorta]

White Siren Queen

Well.. life is going fairly well... thanks to my loving Hun...
And I thank you all for your advice and compassion here.
It is much appreciated...

There are still times when I feel there is nothing that can heal me... no friends, no family...

It's true that time does tell.. I only wish time went by faster... so that I can heal...

Life is a cycle. We live. We hurt. We bleed. We heal... and it repeats...
We hate to be hurt... but the worst thing about hurting is hurting to a point where you've become numbed... and not feeling a thing can sometimes be the worst thing than feeling pain. Without pain, there is not pleasure. With numbness, there is nothing.

Truthfully, I hope that all will go well. That I may continue to feel once again. And I thank God my love is still with me... Who ever knew love could be so strong as to keep you on your feet.. (Or at least for me in my case...) Funny... I used to think of love as only an object that got in the way of life... how Ironic.

Your cycle is missing a very important step... Death. We all die. We're born, we hurt, hate ourselves and others, then die. That's why humans have urges to make an imprint on the world.

It also seems that your family is very strict. As a teenager, a human even, you have rights to freedom. That was the basis of this *chocolate*hole country, America.

Just....Don't give up. You should go to the doctor to make sure it's not a disease or mental illness. Those can cause very bad symptoms on the body...  

[this_is_g8y]

I can only say what everyone else has said. I've been there and done that. Yes there are days where I still suffer from "Those Thoughts" as the people closest to me would say. Days where I don't want to even get out of bed, and days where I hate being around people because I can hear the lies in their voice. Being in one of those moods today, I have no advise because I'm not you. I can only tell you it may get better and that there is more to life then death, even if it is going to happen anyways.

Being still youngesh myself there is one thing that usually gets me out of my moody days. It's a little girl that is two. She seems to always know when someone needs a little pick me up. She will either cuddle with you or make you smile, which ever was needed.

You want something to look forward to, Children. They are the sunshine in this H*** hole. Just don't have them before you are ready too.