Boyfriend worth it?

[KaShash]

I seem to be pretty regular here, eh?

I'm starting to have second thoughts about my current bf. Now, I know that every relationship always has second thoughts at some point or another, and usually many times, but this is just starting to get a little much for me perhaps. I'll explain:

I've been with him since April 1st (yes, April Fool's Day). We first liked to just enjoy what we had as a relationship, with the knowledge that it will become something more. We had talked about it that way, in fact, that we enjoy taking all the little steps. Now, though, we're pretty stagnant, and that bothers me just a little (it makes me feel sort of like I'm not worth his effort to move forward with, though, supposedly this is not the case).

Here's how things lie at the moment:

He:
33, baby of the family living with his 80+yr old parents (And his older brother who is 20+ years older than him -- he was a surprise baby). Because of eyes being unaligned, he hasn't been able to get a driver's license at all (it doesn't help taht his mom doesn't drive, his dad is cautious to the extreme and his brother used to be a taxi driver.....)

Currently, he's worked for Wal-Mart for 7 years. He originally went to school to be a social worker, but when he got into the internship, he realized he didn't want that. Since then, he's been at wal-mart and says he's just there until he finds what he wants to do with his life.

Also, I am his first GF.

Me:
I've had several relationships myself, and a decent chunk of them were abusive (mostly mentally). I moved out of state to live where my job took me (a job I intend to keep). But now this moves me to a 5+ hour drive from my BF (used to be 3 hours). We talk on the phone, but neither of us can visit for I don't have enough money and his parent's don't feel like coming to visit me. Not to mention there's no bus station near here.

I'd like to stick with him because I do love him, and for once I have someone who's not abusive.


Unfortunately, things are starting to seem a little 'much' on his part. Though he can't visit me, he wastes his hard earned vacation days to go with his parents on fishing trips (he's told me many times he doesn't like fishing and does like the trips). If that wasn't enough, he called me one time on their return from the trip, and he wasn't even in the truck! He was riding in the 5th wheel because it was too crowded in the truck. I found this out because I asked him what all that banging was in the background; it was the pots and pans and stuff rattling in the 5th wheel.

I've made a few questions about his progress on getting his driver's license and the way he tells it to me, it's almost as if he just doesn't practice, despite how easy it would be for him to 'practice' via driving when his dad takes him to and from work.

To be frank, I'm staying where I am. Though he can't visit, he could easily move here. But again, he says that: "moving in with a woman I'm not married to yet, will ostracize me from my family".

So how is it we're supposed to do this? He won't move out here and he won't visit. I'd visit him, but I have no vacation days, nor am I getting paid as much as he is. He could pay me for gas, but that still means wear and tear on my car that I need for several years (I won't be able to afford a new/used one for some time so this one HAS to last.)

Then there's some other things that don't work well together. For instance, he's rather religious, and I'm not. This makes for some troubling discussions. To me, things taht are beyond human comprehension should stay there, and not be labled, catagorized, etc. That includes 'God' or 'Gods' (those words themselves are labels). But because of my anonymity towards any religion, he can seem rather pushy about being right. Arg, I should give this an example because it's not sounding right:

We were talking about right and wrong, and God came up in the conversation. I was talking about different viewpoints from different religions. I'm not sure exactly how his sentence was, but the grammar caught me, for his sentence inferred that all religions, 'God' (the Christian God) was present. I tried to inform him, that according to a completely different religion, God is not present at all, but he didn't seem to understand it, and then refused to understand. It bothers me that he can become bull-headed in that respect.

Usually, we agree to disagree on things, but it's becoming more and more prominent to me, and a little bit offensive (though he doesn't mean it to be that way).

Edit: He also seems to have problems with me writing stories that involve relationships. Weather the writing is done RP style or on my own, he doesn't want me to do it at all. But... I'm at heart, a writer! My characters have their own lives to live and I'm not going to sit here and steer their lives any differently than what would happen natrually, or it would make for an EXTREMELY awkward read! @.@



All in all, I"m starting to lose both interest in the relationship, as well as losing confidence in anything actually HAPPENING. @.@  

[charamath]

I think you may have answered your own question. You love your job and your writing to the point of not accomidating someone who, by the sounds of it, you feel is going no-where. If you loved him enough to conquer such large obstacles, you wouldn't be losing interest in him. It's that right there (the losing interest) that seems to show that it's time for you to move on. There are other nice guys out there, you just may have to change your tactics about finding them.  

[TheHellDevil]

I wonder if you've ever thrown the idea of relocation his way.... the idea of HIS relocation, not yours. I say this because most cities have a Walmart, don't they? No clue about your occupation since I'm a newbie, but it might also be an option for you as long as you can keep the job you're doing.

Both of you may need to think deeply about how much control either of you want over your partner. Maybe his parents are still his priority in life, and that isn't something you can or should change. You can suggest it but in the end, it's either you cope with his final choice or leave him. Similarly for his side, he can't expect you to stop writing about relationships just because he feels uncomfortable with it.  

[KaShash]

Yeah I talked with him again about moving here, but he got upset this time. He tld me all about how he'd be going somewhere completely away fromt he life that he knows; family gathering, his church, etc. And insisted I was pushing too hard. He seems to be under the impression that things will happen on their own, without us taking steps towards it.

I also asked him about trying to practice driving when he goes to and from work, but insisted that his dad would yell at him the entire time and would put him in a sour mood for work (it's a 3-5 min drive depending on lights).

He seemed to think that things will work out in the future, but my opinion is different. I feel that if you don't take steps towards something (no matter how small the step) then you'll get nowhere.

If he can't leave his parent's and church now, after 33 years... then I doubt he'd ever leave them, despite him saying to wait. His attachment to those things in his life will not grow any less in the future if they haven't done so by now.

I admit I asked one of those more inappropriate questions of "Am I worth it?" because, in truth, I didn't feel worth it because he wasn't trying. Naturally I got the "how can you say that?" response. neutral  

[TheHellDevil]

Ehh... seems like you're having huge differences in opinions anyway. Why's it so hard for you to let go?  

[Chimaria]

yup...you know the answer..

Move on....he's not as committed to this relationship. unless you are okay with that. You don't have to be mean, just let the distance grow. Less visits..then *poof* you are a distant memory.

he may ask "why don't you come up?" you'll answer "why don't you come down?" he'll find an excuse and you'll realize the argument remains circular. relationships are a 2-way street. don't settle because he's nice to you. There are plenty of nice guys closer to you that would like to meet a nice girl. Let them find you.  

[Etoile de la Mer]

I live with my 80 year old mother, so when I started reading your post, I came at it from that point of view. I'm basically a caregiver. As her health issues become more worrisome, I take on more responsibility. I thought of that as I read what you said, but things started going wrong. They are still taking care of him. He's their baby and he expects that type of care: unquestioning, undemanding, and willing to give him not only his cake and eat it too, but theirs as well.

You are not fitting into his life expectations. You want him to do something, change. He has had it easy his whole life and doesn't see the need to. Why should he? He has probably been using that lame excuse about his eyes his whole life. One that was probably given to him by his parents. ("Oh, you can't expect him to drive/finish his schooling/work in a job he doesn't care for/ go out for PE/ move/take any responsibility! He has bad eyes!")

I have a friend like this. He has a neurological disease and has been given that excuse for all his life. "You can't expect Tim to_____. He's got a fatal disease!" Even at his own brother's wedding, Tim had to be center of attention. He falls in love, but when he moves in with the woman, he expects her to do as his parents have done: baby him and allow him to continue living in a vacume of zero responsibility. I believe his last girlfriend had him cleaning the house and doing laundry. He thought he was doing her a great favor. Mind you, he didn't work, spent all his time playing online games, and texting his friends. When they broke up, his big wail was that she kept some of his DnD figurines. After living with her for five years, supposedly helping raise her three kids, he missed his figurines. Why? Because everything else was secondary to his own needs. That's what he'd been taught and it is now ingrained into the very fibers of his soul. While I like him for a friend, I couldn't stand him as a relationship partner.

You, with your opinions, beliefs, and own wishes are apparently starting to challenge your boyfriend's picture of what is correct. You are not worshipping at the cult of him. You want him to get his drivers licence! How dare you criticize! Can't you see he's got eye problems! You want to have him move! What is wrong with you! Can't you see he can't! He has to stay and "take care of" his parents (even if they are the ones who seem to be taking care of him.) You actually have the nerve to question his beliefs! How could you not believe what he believes! After all his parents agree with him! And you want to write about people in relationships! Hussy!

By what you have written, you already (at some level) know that he's not for you. The boredom you are feeling is a dead giveaway. He is asking you to give up things for him: writing, beliefs, time, devotion, but he doesn't even seem to want to give up a tiny bit for you: five minutes a day to learn to drive.

Dump him and go find someone who treasures you for the creative, intelligent person you are.  

[Lady_Niqui]

Etoile de la Mer

I live with my 80 year old mother, so when I started reading your post, I came at it from that point of view. I'm basically a caregiver. As her health issues become more worrisome, I take on more responsibility. I thought of that as I read what you said, but things started going wrong. They are still taking care of him. He's their baby and he expects that type of care: unquestioning, undemanding, and willing to give him not only his cake and eat it too, but theirs as well.

You are not fitting into his life expectations. You want him to do something, change. He has had it easy his whole life and doesn't see the need to. Why should he? He has probably been using that lame excuse about his eyes his whole life. One that was probably given to him by his parents. ("Oh, you can't expect him to drive/finish his schooling/work in a job he doesn't care for/ go out for PE/ move/take any responsibility! He has bad eyes!")

I have a friend like this. He has a neurological disease and has been given that excuse for all his life. "You can't expect Tim to_____. He's got a fatal disease!" Even at his own brother's wedding, Tim had to be center of attention. He falls in love, but when he moves in with the woman, he expects her to do as his parents have done: baby him and allow him to continue living in a vacume of zero responsibility. I believe his last girlfriend had him cleaning the house and doing laundry. He thought he was doing her a great favor. Mind you, he didn't work, spent all his time playing online games, and texting his friends. When they broke up, his big wail was that she kept some of his DnD figurines. After living with her for five years, supposedly helping raise her three kids, he missed his figurines. Why? Because everything else was secondary to his own needs. That's what he'd been taught and it is now ingrained into the very fibers of his soul. While I like him for a friend, I couldn't stand him as a relationship partner.

You, with your opinions, beliefs, and own wishes are apparently starting to challenge your boyfriend's picture of what is correct. You are not worshipping at the cult of him. You want him to get his drivers licence! How dare you criticize! Can't you see he's got eye problems! You want to have him move! What is wrong with you! Can't you see he can't! He has to stay and "take care of" his parents (even if they are the ones who seem to be taking care of him.) You actually have the nerve to question his beliefs! How could you not believe what he believes! After all his parents agree with him! And you want to write about people in relationships! Hussy!

By what you have written, you already (at some level) know that he's not for you. The boredom you are feeling is a dead giveaway. He is asking you to give up things for him: writing, beliefs, time, devotion, but he doesn't even seem to want to give up a tiny bit for you: five minutes a day to learn to drive.

Dump him and go find someone who treasures you for the creative, intelligent person you are.

Well said.  

[Harbone]

If you've got strong enough second thoughts to post on the internet, you're probably not doing the guy any favors by inviting him out to live with you - especially when he clearly has priorities at home which are tearing him up.

It's just going to bring you both pain, especially if you get to know eachother and then find out you have to be apart.

Also, I can't think of any religion that's all that great for women, but Christianity can be particularly nasty. Which is too bad, really, since I think I might be a Christian (despite some strong indications God is kinda tired of listening to my crap.)

So, yeah. You probably shouldn't hook up.  

[mizducky]

Definitely Not Worth It. Time to move on.

Don't be afraid to "be alone". You don't have to stay with someone just to be able to "be with someone".
Take care of you, and your interests, you are more likely to meet a good person who appreciates you after you've made yourself happy first.  

[Wixandrettas]

I can sum this one up into two words:






























HELL NO! (feeling the estrogen surge!) xd  

[Exor Omega]

Etoile de la Mer, I think you just took my job from me (It's so nice not having to be the voice of reason all the time anymore - thanks!).

KaShash, I believe I mught (have) know(n) the perfect guy who's in a similar situation, except he's a decade younger than your current partner and is also most unfortunately 'stuck' in life at the moment. He lives in Michigan and is typing this post! 4laugh

I don't mean to hijack your thread, though, so I'll rant in another. I just wanted to let you know that I know nothing about love outside of idealism, realism, and writing. Hell, I probably shouldn't post this. But I wrote it anyway so deal with it xd