Is that MY shadow?

[sirthink1]

Now, I know the title is kind of "emo" or whatever you want to call it, and I know that the issues that I'm dealing with are self-inflicted, if you will, but somethings I think I need help with.

First and foremost is my girlfriend. She's 19, was home schooled and I'm her first "real" boyfriend. I'm 21, was the guy in the back of the room you never really noticed in high school. We both have self esteem issues. Is there any way that I can get her to believe me that she really is as beautiful as I think she is?

Another problem is myself... I tend to switch mindsets. Sometimes I really just want to hold her close, and be with her. The next day I'll be cold and distant. We've been together for a year. Most people who meet us think we're married... 0_0 But still, it feels awkward some times. We get along great and everything, but I know that she also wants other experiences with other people, if ya catch my drift. She is my first girlfriend and everything feels like it's right, but I also realize that I'm young, and she is younger still. Don't want to break up with her, but also don't want to hold her back... Is there anyone who understands what I'm saying, and furthermore, is there anyone who can give me some advice? *is so very confused by my own shadow*  

[Patron with a Mission]

I get what you're saying. Two boyfriends later, wisdom has come to me.

The advice is another story.

I honestly think you two need to seriously talk. It sounds like you'd get along well as friends, as well as a couple. I think you should say, honestly and directly, "Do you want to be with me, or should I let you go?"

This will give her the choice, and worse case, you two can still talk to each other. But being that she's your first, it'd be harder than it sounds. In any case, communication is the key.

Good luck with this.  

[TamlinSan]

I think you are taking this too seriously.

Instead of feeling like "we are together" instead think "we are having a good time" and don't feel pressured into a relationship you might not really be ready for. Remember, there is graduations of dating. The most serious leads to marriage; the least serious is hanging out in groups of friends togethr. You can easily be in a good relationship that is nonexclusive and based more on friendship and wanting to enjoy each other's company.

Try talking to her and saying that while you feel love her and have tons of fun being with her, that you don't want to be in a "going to get married" relationship. Explain to her that you want to be truthful and that you don't want to hold her back, but you would really enjoy continuing seeing her.
If she feels the same, then you know that you are not holding her back and she's fine with the relationship as it is. If she gets her feelings hurt, you know that she was looking for a different kind of relationship than you and you are holding her back.

When you are with her, don't try to be anyone except who you are and concentrate on having fun. Your mood shifts might be you putting pressure on yourself to "be her boyfriend" then feeling bad because you might feel presured into "be the boyfriend." Have a talk with her.

You really can't help her with her self esteem issues any more than she can help you with yours. The best you can do is when you are with her, don't oggle other women, or comment on them. There is one trick you might try. Next time you are out, point out a really beautiful girl and then say, she's nice, but nothing compared to you. You might even toss in a comment that you like your girlfriend's eyes/body/face/style/hair/legs/etc are hard to beat. Say it casually, as if it was the most normal thing in the world to say and let it drop. She'll hear you then think about it. If you make it sound like a cheesy come-on she'll think you are pitying her.  

[ThisEmptySoul]

My spouse is the first person I dated neutral

That aside, I understand a lot of people would not be satisfied marrying their first partner because of not having experience with others. However, if you are perfectly happy with each other, then no other experience is needed, at least that was mine and my spouse's mindset.

If you feel you are too young to get married and/or feel that you are not ready for it, then don't pressure yourself into it. Don't let others pressure you into it either. If you are not ready and you try to make it work anyway, it will be a lot harder and could eventually end up in divorce even if you wanted to be with the person you married.

About the switching mindset thing, I think it happens to most people in some way or another. Sometimes you just need time to yourself or you don't feel like being "the boyfriend" for a day or two. It might be good for you to think of your girlfriend more along the lines of a very good friend instead of feeling like you have to be warm and cuddly all the time. My spouse and I are best friends first and foremost... it's part of what keeps us together. Sometimes I don't always feel like being intimate, but that doesn't mean we can't watch movies or hang-out.

As for the self esteem part, I'm not sure how much I could help with that since I tend to have some problems with that myself at times. Both my spouse and I were loners in school. However, my spouse has been of help for me. We can casually talk about how attractive others look without any problems. At the first sign of a problem, my spouse tends to throw in a random comment said with sincerity, and in a way it's kind of embarrassing, but it does help. Not watching porn is also helpful. sweatdrop  

[Harbone]

I didn't want to be accused of holding my first girlfriend back, either, but she ended up claiming I was pushing her away. To this day, I have no idea what she meant.

So... yeah, talk to your girlfriend and ask her what she wants. Then tell her what you want. (I know trying to find out what your significant other wants is like pulling teeth, so be prepared to ask a couple times. Like, "no, I'm serious, where do you want this relationship to go?" sort of lines.)  

[Shenyu]

Well, I think if your behaviour is changing THAT much, it is no surprise that your girlfried has some doubts. I mean she cannot really rely on your feelings. I know, everybody has a time of his or her live, in which he or she is in such a state, but you must not make her feel that so much. If she thinks "I try to touch him and we'll see if he smiles or throws daggers" than this is not a good feeling.

I can also understand the "adventure"-part. I met my first boyfriend when I was 14 and we had been together all the time. Still I also felt like I was missing the typical stuff teenagers should do. Dating, heartbreaking, etc. So we split up and on a party I kissed another guy I had not met before. Kind of an adventure, but I learned that those kisses do not feel as good as the ones in a relationship.
A month later we got together again and now I am married to my first boyfriend. But maybe I needed that experience to know what I miss and that I do not feel so bad about it anymore.
That was our way to solve this. But I don't think it is the right way for everybody. I just told you, so you can think about it.

I don't think it is a solution to ask her directly, if she wants to be with you or if you should let her go, because I don't think she knows either. And if you force her to make a decision here and now, she might take the wrong. Nevertheless you should make clear that you want one soon and you will support her finding an answer. Maybe she is just not happy in your relationship thinking about what you told about here. I mean if her self-esteem is not that good then she probably does not think she can have a lot of others easily.  

[shall she sail seas]

TamlinSan and ThisEmptySoul speak words of wisdom. There's no need to take the relationship TOO seriously. Take it day by day and enjoy each others' company.

Having your girlfriends as your best friend (or at least one of your best friends) is also very important for a long-term relationship. Best friends don't necessarily meet every single day and it's honestly annoying to spend ALL your free time with only one person. You'd eventually get sick of them that way. It's normal to want time to yourself and have moods to reflect that. All you really need to do is communicate when you want to be alone or with other friends instead.

As for her self-esteem problem, adorn her with kisses. Kiss a part of her body and tell her what you like about it. It's intimate and sincere. It's not meant to be a cure-all but that's my suggestion for now. wink