Problem With Brother - Need Advice! (Long)

[BlueberryJoy]

I have a problem with my living situation, but I'm not sure what, if anything, I can do about it. sad If anyone has tips, let me know.

Some background: I'm 36/F, never married with no children. I have a B.A. in Mass Communication, but never got very far with it. After graduation, I bounced around from one office job to another, and had several apartment-with-roommate situations, but ended up back home with my parents. When I was laid off in 2002, I finally spread my wings, and took a job across the country (U.S.), entering into a roomie situation with an old internet friend.

The job went OK and I was certainly paid well, but it was going nowhere. More importantly, it isn't what I wanted to be doing. I was unsatisfied, and a bit homesick. So last year, I ended up quitting the job, and moving back to my home state. I didn't just return with no plan, however. I took a low-paying but flexible job which has benefits and allows me to return to school to pursue a line of work I want to go into. (medical field -- radiography)

So, currently, I'm renting out a room in my parents' house, working full-time, and going to community college part-time. My folks and I are on good terms, and it's a good arrangement for now...except for one thing...

I have a younger brother who just turned 30, let's call him Ben. He's living here, too, and he's never left. He's the quinessential example of what might be called a 'manchild'. Although there's nothing mentally wrong with him, he has the emotional maturity of someone half his age. Ben has a full-time job which pays quite well, and he blows all the money on himself, mostly on video games and porn. What he does in his spare time doesn't really concern me, though, so much as the fact that Ben has a terrible hygiene problem. His room smells like it's used for a toilet. And no, I don't go in there, but I have to live adjacent to it, so it's hard not to notice. He rarely bathes, doesn't use deoderant very often, and I don't think he brushes his teeth (or what's left of them, anyway).

This next part is going to be disgusting. You have been warned.

I have to share a bathroom with Ben. Every few days when he does take a shower, he has a habit of spitting phlegm, or snot, all over the tub. And then I have to either step in it, or play Twister to avoid it. gonk Also, he'll randomly use any towel, whether it happens to be mine or not.

Growing up, I got along with Ben very well. He was a great kid. As brother and sister, we rarely fought. But I don't like what Ben's become. It upsets and sickens me. Also, I think he's taking huge advantage of our parents, who seem to think he walks on water and can do no wrong. How does he take advantage? My 65 year old mother (who is not in the best of health) picks up after him, washes his clothes, changes his bedsheets, cooks for him, keeps track of his bills...pretty much everything except wiping his a**. stare When I moved back here, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I'm not sure why he's exempt from being a 'citizen' of the house (with the daily chores the rest of us share), but that's how it seems to work.

While I can't change this codependent situation -- please, guys, do you have any tips on how I can cope? I don't have enough money to live on my own and go to school, this is my only recourse right now. My friends and former roomies have families and kids now, and I can't room with them anymore. Ben's complete lack of care for his life and the people who have to share his space infuriates me, and sometimes I seriously feel like screaming at him. For all the good it would do. rolleyes Help!  

[Taxi Mama]

First of all ... OMG You poor soul; you have my deepest sympathy. There you are, getting on with your successful adult journey, and find a loved one not just off track, but interfering with your enjoyment of your journey!

Okay, now... first you'll need to decide if you just want your towel left alone, you want to fix your brother, or something inbetween. Then you have to decide what "role" you think would accomplish that best: disgruntled roommate, family leader bent on intervention, or something in between. Consider where that might take the long-term relationship, before deciding!

Then get into your role and decide when/how to tell him
1. That you value your hygiene [and his].
2. That you have a right to your own towel and a rinsed tub.
3. That if he doesn't straighten up, Bad Things will happen.
4. That if he cooperates, Good Things will happen.

You might want to ponder just what sort of Good/Bad Things you're willing & able to follow through on, and which ones might get his attention. I'm thinking that a Bad Thing might be you lock up all your towels and start spraying disinfectant on his. And a possible Good Thing would be granting his request for some small change in your habits.

By the way, I don't suggest trying to stop the parents from treating him nicely. They have a relationship with him, and it's up to them how they handle it. Unless you think they are being cheated or abused, leave them out of it. And if you think they are, get with their pastor or close friends and hear how they see it before you open that can of worms!  

[ThisEmptySoul]

As Taxi Mama stated, you'll have to decide what role you want to play first. I don't have much advice for "fixing" your brother, but the "just wanting your towel left alone" aspect I have some experience with.  

[charamath]

It's like the nasty version of 'Failure to Launch'! My deepest sympathies. If he has that much of a hygiene problem, how is he holding onto his job? If you want to try and fix him, maybe start there. Find friends/coworkers of his who may want to help out 'informing' him of his hygiene. Has he dated at all? Maybe try to impress how cleaning up his act could help him in the romantic field.  

[Azure Alexea]

I agree, at the very least lock up your towel... that's really not something you should have to deal with! It honestly sounds like your brother might be have some serious depression. Not knowing him or his lifestyle myself it's impossible to know but I can tell you when folks get really depressed their hygiene, ambition and common social decencies tend to go out the window fast and stay gone until they seek medical help... I honestly don't see how someone could not be depressed still living at their parents at 30 and seeking no life improvements such as higher education. Try having a heart to heart with him and see if that isn't the case. You might very well be able to motivate him to start making improvements in his life that will make your own life a lot easier while your there.  

[Patron with a Mission]

-ponders- You have my sympathies as well.

While I have little life experience in the first place, only a bit of college, I can tell right now several things:

1.) If you got along with your brother growing up, then suddenly life turned to disaster for your brother, something happened while you were away. If you find out what happened, maybe that will shed some light on how to help.

2.) I agree with everyone else here; lock up the towels and whatever else is yours. You needn't put up with someone else using them.

3.) I say "help" rather than "fix" because there is no fixing him. Only he can fix himself. All you can do is show that he needs to. In a sense, you are the start, but not the finish.

As I said, I haven't much experience, but I hope this helps.  

[Wixandrettas]

alright.... my daughter just shocked me with an idea... LOL... god, I cant believe Im going to post this...

My daughter suggested... "Grab a video camera and grab some footage: show his room, his clothes, habits, what he 'leaves' in the bathroom, tub, the whole nine-yards... and post it on YouTube to see how many responses would come about... You could entitle it "Does your annoying brother do this?" .....

Once the replies start rolling in, show your brother. Ask him what it feels like to have the world see what he is doing... and when he gets mad and thinks its not ok to do this... remind him its NOT ok to do what he is doing while living there...


From my perspective, Im a very vocal person who has a no-tollerance policy, even if it means a family member who is treating me like s**t. I wont put up with things like this. Ive lived a very hellish life of people abusing me, using me, betraying me that I swore that when I was on my own, I was going to take back my life and control of my life. That included separating myself from an abusive alcoholic mother just recently. Do I feel shame in doing that? Not in the least bit.

No one should have to put up with anything that makes them miserable... including this... regardless of relation.  

[angelplustwo]

BlueberryJoy

I have a problem with my living situation, but I'm not sure what, if anything, I can do about it. sad If anyone has tips, let me know.

Some background: I'm 36/F, never married with no children. I have a B.A. in Mass Communication, but never got very far with it. After graduation, I bounced around from one office job to another, and had several apartment-with-roommate situations, but ended up back home with my parents. When I was laid off in 2002, I finally spread my wings, and took a job across the country (U.S.), entering into a roomie situation with an old internet friend.

The job went OK and I was certainly paid well, but it was going nowhere. More importantly, it isn't what I wanted to be doing. I was unsatisfied, and a bit homesick. So last year, I ended up quitting the job, and moving back to my home state. I didn't just return with no plan, however. I took a low-paying but flexible job which has benefits and allows me to return to school to pursue a line of work I want to go into. (medical field -- radiography)

So, currently, I'm renting out a room in my parents' house, working full-time, and going to community college part-time. My folks and I are on good terms, and it's a good arrangement for now...except for one thing...

I have a younger brother who just turned 30, let's call him Ben. He's living here, too, and he's never left. He's the quinessential example of what might be called a 'manchild'. Although there's nothing mentally wrong with him, he has the emotional maturity of someone half his age. Ben has a full-time job which pays quite well, and he blows all the money on himself, mostly on video games and porn. What he does in his spare time doesn't really concern me, though, so much as the fact that Ben has a terrible hygiene problem. His room smells like it's used for a toilet. And no, I don't go in there, but I have to live adjacent to it, so it's hard not to notice. He rarely bathes, doesn't use deoderant very often, and I don't think he brushes his teeth (or what's left of them, anyway).

This next part is going to be disgusting. You have been warned.

I have to share a bathroom with Ben. Every few days when he does take a shower, he has a habit of spitting phlegm, or snot, all over the tub. And then I have to either step in it, or play Twister to avoid it. gonk Also, he'll randomly use any towel, whether it happens to be mine or not.

Growing up, I got along with Ben very well. He was a great kid. As brother and sister, we rarely fought. But I don't like what Ben's become. It upsets and sickens me. Also, I think he's taking huge advantage of our parents, who seem to think he walks on water and can do no wrong. How does he take advantage? My 65 year old mother (who is not in the best of health) picks up after him, washes his clothes, changes his bedsheets, cooks for him, keeps track of his bills...pretty much everything except wiping his a**. stare When I moved back here, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I'm not sure why he's exempt from being a 'citizen' of the house (with the daily chores the rest of us share), but that's how it seems to work.

While I can't change this codependent situation -- please, guys, do you have any tips on how I can cope? I don't have enough money to live on my own and go to school, this is my only recourse right now. My friends and former roomies have families and kids now, and I can't room with them anymore. Ben's complete lack of care for his life and the people who have to share his space infuriates me, and sometimes I seriously feel like screaming at him. For all the good it would do. rolleyes Help!

does it help to know that your not the only one? i have a brother like that to except he won't even leave his computer to get a job my mom pays for everything for him even his stupid game cards. He didn't use to be like this but know i can't even let my kids go to his room to say hi because the cat smell is sooo bad i won't even go one the 2 floor.i had to move out when i did i thought he would help mom boy was i wrong!