need advice (married people)

[katana68]

OK, I've been married for 7 years, but the last 6 months or so have not been good at all. We moved into a new house a year ago, and I have been trying to get a teaching position at the high school where I work since that time. Have not been "intimate" for 6 months. Seems like all my husband does lately is tick me off, and then when he wants to get lovey, the last thing I want is sex! I don't know if I'm so stressed about my job situation or what, but when he is acting immature, it really ticks me off!

Now for the twist; ran into a friend that used to work at the school, started texting, found out that he is "interested" in getting together (he is married as well). Now all I can think about is the other person. He makes me feel like a desirable woman instead of a cook and a maid. Right now nothing has happened, but I couldn't guarantee that nothing would. I don't know if I should suggest counseling to the husband or what. I don't even know if he would agree, because we got into a really bad fight one time (after drinking: I know, not a good time) and he basically said no to counseling at that time. I don't want to leave but I don't know if I want to stay.

Any advice from anyone will be great!!!  

[ThisEmptySoul]

not much notable advice I can give since I've only been married a year, but there has been intimacy issues lately due to the stress of money. It's not something either of us are willing to throw our relationship away over and we're working through it right now.

In my situation, the issue is mainly that one of us wants to be sexual to relieve stress whereas the other is less sexual because of stress... and the lack of intimacy for the more sexual partner is causing more stress and more eagerness for intimacy, which makes the less sexual partner feel pressured into doing something they do not want to do and thus more stress for them as well.

We actually worked something out earlier today that made the both of us happy. I think if you talk with your partner about the issues you're having, you can possibly work out a compromise that would satisfy the both of you, or perhaps enough foreplay or cuddles will lead to you being comfortable with sex.

The "feeling desirable" aspect is possibly just stemming from your issues at home rather than this friend of yours actually giving something you "need". I have experienced this in a past relationship, though not in my marriage. I hadn't been in a decent relationship at that point and someone came along and pretty much told me I was their entire world and they would die without me. Upon being told this, I completely ignored all signs that they were a bad person and felt like I had to stick with them because they needed me and they were the only one that had ever made me feel that important. In hindsight, it was pretty obvious that they didn't care about me and just wanted in my pants, but because I was feeling bad about myself and my relationship status at the time, I was willing to ignore everything else to try to have a fleeting moment of "happiness". In the end, they only made me feel worse more than they made me feel happy and I continue to have some issues from it to this day.

Now, I'm not trying to say that your friend is necessarily a bad person because I do not know them, but the possibility is certainly there if they are looking to cheat on their spouse. It's always questionable to go with someone that is cheating on their current partner with you because they are already labeling themselves as a cheater, which makes the sincerity with which they mean to build your relationship suspicious. More often than not, someone who has been in a long term relationship that plans to cheat wants to do so to prove something to themselves or to their partner and the person they cheat with does not even matter to them.

For your marriage, if counseling is out of the question, then try and talk it out yourselves. Counseling can help, but if you try to be an adult and handle things with an even head, then it is almost as good {though your bias will still be an issue}. Think things over carefully about what exactly it is that he's doing that ticks you off, not just a generalization such as "being childish", but specific things like "leaving clothes on the floor"... then ask yourself, "is it worth getting angry over such things" or "does it make sense to care about it so much".

With my spouse and I, our arguments come from an amalgamation of random insignificant crap... when we take the time to think about the specific issues, we realize how stupid it was to begin with and gradually calm down. We both try to think logically through our issues and push emotions to the side for a moment.... which can be easier for a guy rofl  

[Wixandrettas]

the fact that you are entertaining the idea of getting together with someone who is married is a BIG warning sign.

My guy acts immature from time to time and I remind him of how bad he is. I try to get him to think about the issue from another perspective. How would HE feel if he had to deal with someone doing what HE was just doing at that moment? Boy does it wake him up fast!

Sounds like to me that if you are looking at cheating on your husband with another married man, then clearly your current marriage needs intervention. You have already mentioned that you have tried to discuss things with your husband and entertained the idea of going to a Counselor... he poo-pooed it...

Bringing in someone outside of the marriage to meet the needs you are missing is only a temporary solution to a problem that will still exist.

Im curious.. how old are the both of you?  

[charamath]

Have you thought about anti-stress medication? It sounds like a great deal of this is just stress. You still love your husband, but you're so wired that every little thing he does seems to tick you off, and in return you may start to blame him when he really doesn't deserve it. Likewise with the other guy- you're probably only thinking about it purely because you're stressed with your husband, not because you actually want to find someone else. Try sitting down and just talking to him about what's bothering you. Still try to suggest counseling with him, or just go on your own. If you figure out how to make your life less stressful, you may find your husband is still who you fell in love with in the first place. I let stress ruin my relationship and I must say it's NOT something time ever heals.  

[katana68]

Well, we are both 40. I'm wondering if we are just growing in different directions, or something to that effect. I have told him before that it's not necessary to joke about everything, and I usually get the "I'm just playing" comment when I complain. Thanks for the input from all of you, I'll take everything into consideration. biggrin  

[Taxi Mama]

Ah, ha... the old "Seven Year Itch"; a classic rough spot.

Let me start by saying the obvious: You can't fix a marriage by having sex with someone else! Now the less obvious: Every troubled marriage has sex problems; it's a symptom of bigger underlying issues between you. You need to be spending serious face-to-face time identifying and solving those underlying issues and rebuilding your intimacy, not throwing away a 7-year investment. There are lots of books on saving a marriage; they all have good exercises & insights, and are much cheaper than counseling. Here's what I remember from the one I read:

Maintaining a marriage takes 14 hours a week. Recovering one in trouble takes MORE. Explain to him how close you were to throwing the marriage away, and that you'd rather stay, if only you could get what you need from him. Tell him you need 2 hours a day together, building intimacy (working out issues, planning your lives together, NOT fighting) before you'll be ready for snuggles that evening (and maybe romps, but no promises).

For the first day's exercise, take turns telling each other what you like/enjoy about the other. Really pour on the compliments! The next day, tell each other what you miss from earlier in the relationship. Suggest ways to get some of it back.

Always acknowledge and affirm each others' feelings, especially before disagreeing. Look for win-win solutions. Good Luck!  

[ThisEmptySoul]

something I wanted to add to Taxi Mama's advice is if you go into talking about what you miss from early in the relationship, be sure to not turn it into a blame game. For example, if you were to miss going out on dates, don't say, "You never take me out anymore"... this is worded as an attack and will put him in defensive mode and may ultimately lead to an argument.