Wrong to call an ex even if hospitalized?

[Siumbering Princess22]

Ok I had my first real boyfriend at the age of 14. We were together till I was 20. We had went through everything and back. He joined the military I waited for a year while he was in iraq. All of that stuff. He had cheated on me multiple times with this girl, and I stayed with him. Ultimately he broke my heart and destroyed me.

Well hes been married to this girl now for a couple of months and they just had a baby. I have been happy living my own life for a good two years now. I can honestly say I don't hurt or long for him anymore.

But I was just told today that something happened to him. I'm not exactly sure what.But hes in the hospital he has a fractured skull, he keeps having seizures. And I'm not sure on all the details.

But it kills me to think of him laying in some hospital bed. No matter what he did to me, or what we have been through. I would never want him to be hurt in any way.He isn't a horrible person. I know that he was horrible to me, but I can't sit here and say that he just didn't have a heart. He did. And when we were together we were ridiculously protective of each other. If I had a cut on my finger he would come to my rescue and bandage it up.And so the thought that hes hurt, is hurting me really bad.

I just don't know if I should contact his wife *ugh I hate saying that*. Me and her have never got along. Strangely she kept trying to "be my friend" once she married him, and I really wanted nothing to do with it. But I can't imagine if he dies, or something happens to him. I don't want to regret not saying something or finding out what really happened.

Yes we are over, but I was in love with him. And I will most likely love him till I die. I don't know..I just...I feel like I just can't sit here and wait to find out if he lives or dies. But then hes married and with a baby. Is it just wrong and selfish of me to care? I don't know..I just really want him to be ok...  

[ThisEmptySoul]

wow... 14 to 20 is a long time... most people at that age would have moved on to someone else after a couple of months if not less sweatdrop

To have known each other and been together that long, I don't necessarily think it's wrong to try to find out what's going on as long as you don't alienate his wife or say something awkward {such as mentioning what a great couple you used to be or saying that you will love him for the rest of your life}.

You also need to realize that there's a difference between "love" in the sense of being a couple and "love" in the sense of caring for someone. Having been close to him for that long, even if you hadn't been dating in that time period, it is only natural that you would develop an interest in his life and well being. This does not necessarily mean you're "in love", but rather you just simply care.

Case in point, a friend of mine is an "ex" of sorts {we never formally dated, but we were really close} and we're both married now, but sometimes we like to contact each other and see how things are going. It's not that I'm "in love" with her... I just care about what's going on in her life. Having been by her side for so many years, I can't imagine just not caring anymore simply because we're both married. As long as I'm not trying to run off and have an affair with her, my spouse is pretty understanding. I'm also careful to avoid conversations about "us".  

[Siumbering Princess22]

ThisEmptySoul

wow... 14 to 20 is a long time... most people at that age would have moved on to someone else after a couple of months if not less sweatdrop

To have known each other and been together that long, I don't necessarily think it's wrong to try to find out what's going on as long as you don't alienate his wife or say something awkward {such as mentioning what a great couple you used to be or saying that you will love him for the rest of your life}.

You also need to realize that there's a difference between "love" in the sense of being a couple and "love" in the sense of caring for someone. Having been close to him for that long, even if you hadn't been dating in that time period, it is only natural that you would develop an interest in his life and well being. This does not necessarily mean you're "in love", but rather you just simply care.

Case in point, a friend of mine is an "ex" of sorts {we never formally dated, but we were really close} and we're both married now, but sometimes we like to contact each other and see how things are going. It's not that I'm "in love" with her... I just care about what's going on in her life. Having been by her side for so many years, I can't imagine just not caring anymore simply because we're both married. As long as I'm not trying to run off and have an affair with her, my spouse is pretty understanding. I'm also careful to avoid conversations about "us".

well of course. I know that I have love for him. But I am not in love with him. And the love I have for him is not the same kinda love as when we were together.

Just I don't have a place in his life, and we sure as heck aren't friends. We didn't end well, and things got worse when he decided to try and have this girl fight me. But overall like I said he really isn't a bad person. And all that stuff to me gets put aside when someone winds up in the hospital.

The other thing is I REALLY don't want her thinking I wanna be with him again. And I know she is going to tell him I asked about him. I just don't want there to be a misunderstanding in me caring.  

[Azure Alexea]

Have you thought of asking one of his friends how he is doing? Maybe theres a way to find out whats going on with him without him knowing about it.  

[Veddhartha]

I've been faced more and more often by situations, where trying to avoid causing ill feelings had truly caused more ill feelings and speculations. Being polite, but blunt seems much more better way these days. The less there is room to think what someone said and really meant by it, the better.

This might be more difficult actually do than say. I think you have said things here quite clearly and logically. You are concerned over him, because situation sounds serious. You can ask about his health from his wife directly and tell her that you are worried and just want to know. Send well-wishes and give her (and maybe to him too) some peace of mind by telling that it was all you needed and then you'll be gone again.

I'd rather collect my bravery and ask her directly, also giving a short reason why you're contacting. Being worried is good enough. And be calm with it too, thank her for info and make clear you're keeping a distance, even if its about something serious. And for courtesy, did you like his new wife or not, you might want also to ask is she coping with situation. Its mere act of showing that you're not hostile to her. You might, but you don't need to show it to her and make things between anyone of you worse.

Only thing I'm worried over this kind of situations is that people start assuming things. Speaking shortly, formally and hiding some of personal feelings seems to help. Be concerned, but not too much I try to say.  

[Patron with a Mission]

Sleeping_Princess22

ThisEmptySoul

wow... 14 to 20 is a long time... most people at that age would have moved on to someone else after a couple of months if not less sweatdrop

To have known each other and been together that long, I don't necessarily think it's wrong to try to find out what's going on as long as you don't alienate his wife or say something awkward {such as mentioning what a great couple you used to be or saying that you will love him for the rest of your life}.

You also need to realize that there's a difference between "love" in the sense of being a couple and "love" in the sense of caring for someone. Having been close to him for that long, even if you hadn't been dating in that time period, it is only natural that you would develop an interest in his life and well being. This does not necessarily mean you're "in love", but rather you just simply care.

Case in point, a friend of mine is an "ex" of sorts {we never formally dated, but we were really close} and we're both married now, but sometimes we like to contact each other and see how things are going. It's not that I'm "in love" with her... I just care about what's going on in her life. Having been by her side for so many years, I can't imagine just not caring anymore simply because we're both married. As long as I'm not trying to run off and have an affair with her, my spouse is pretty understanding. I'm also careful to avoid conversations about "us".

well of course. I know that I have love for him. But I am not in love with him. And the love I have for him is not the same kinda love as when we were together.

Just I don't have a place in his life, and we sure as heck aren't friends. We didn't end well, and things got worse when he decided to try and have this girl fight me. But overall like I said he really isn't a bad person. And all that stuff to me gets put aside when someone winds up in the hospital.

The other thing is I REALLY don't want her thinking I wanna be with him again. And I know she is going to tell him I asked about him. I just don't want there to be a misunderstanding in me caring.

All else fails, send a card, explaining that although things ended badly, in the end, you're still concerned of his well being, as any person would about someone they once cared about. There's nothing wrong with saying, "Hey, I heard you were in the hospital," and ask about how he's recovering. As for his wife, just point out you're just as concerned as everyone else who is a friend, and no more. That would likely defuse any possible confusion.

Good luck with this.  

[Mia Zeya]

With all that you've said here, seriously, I'd go with either asking a mutual friend or the wife directly. Keep your questions to the point of finding out how he is. I'd also send a card and maybe flowers to the hospital room...with just a simple note like I hope you get well soon ~signed "still a friend" or something of that nature...nothing to imply other interests. --Even better if you can get other mutual friends to also sign the card.

Your relationship was long, but it did end badly. With that in mind, if what's going on with him is serious/life threatening, right now wouldn't be a good time to add to any fears or hurt his wife could be going through. If they have kids, then I'd completely back off and just pray for him. Times like they are going through are stressful enough on loved ones.

I've gotten along with many of my exes, but relationships that ended badly, I just walked away from them entirely....even if they ended up getting ran over by a bus hanging by the strands in the hospital, I wouldn't visit them. Yet, that's just me. I'd pray for them though.

Good luck with your decision on this. I understand it's not easy on you. *hugs*

oops! just noticed the date on this. lol I hope all went well. Do you have an update?  

[Siumbering Princess22]

Mia Zeya

With all that you've said here, seriously, I'd go with either asking a mutual friend or the wife directly. Keep your questions to the point of finding out how he is. I'd also send a card and maybe flowers to the hospital room...with just a simple note like I hope you get well soon ~signed "still a friend" or something of that nature...nothing to imply other interests. --Even better if you can get other mutual friends to also sign the card.

Your relationship was long, but it did end badly. With that in mind, if what's going on with him is serious/life threatening, right now wouldn't be a good time to add to any fears or hurt his wife could be going through. If they have kids, then I'd completely back off and just pray for him. Times like they are going through are stressful enough on loved ones.

I've gotten along with many of my exes, but relationships that ended badly, I just walked away from them entirely....even if they ended up getting ran over by a bus hanging by the strands in the hospital, I wouldn't visit them. Yet, that's just me. I'd pray for them though.

Good luck with your decision on this. I understand it's not easy on you. *hugs*

oops! just noticed the date on this. lol I hope all went well. Do you have an update?

Oh wow you asked for an update a while ago, I'm sorry. I did decide to email his wife and explain to her I just wanted to let her know her and her family are in my prayers. She replied nicely and said he was stable and she didn't feel disrespected at all. She attempted to be my friend and wanted to add me on myspace. But I know her, and she is very two-faced.I wanted no part of it. I just wanted to make sure he was okay, and that he knew I atleast cared that he didn't die. So he is out of the hospital now, and he is doing well. I never talked to him directly. But I'm sure she has mentioned it to him.