SOS - First Girlfriend

[Areashine]

Well, I don't have children of my own (age 22), but I can at least tell you how I went about the dating scene. I had my first boyfriend at age 14. The only time I had a "no bedroom rule" was when my mother didn't like one of my boyfriends, which was only once because even then I had a good sense of character. I was always open with my mother, telling her where I was, what was going on, who was around, etc. I didn't have set curfew, and honestly, when I was 16, I pretty much made my own set of rules. I related with boys more than girls, and my mother understood that I hung around a lot of guys who were not interested in me sexually at all, who just wanted to hang out and protect me. Honesty is definitely the way to go for any relationship, and that includes ones with your children. Every person is different. I was fine in this life, but I've known other people with the same policy who have 5 children just because they couldn't control themselves or weren't smart. Just don't give your children an excuse for them sneaking around or not telling you the truth.  

[The Last Chase]

At thirteen... I was still in a christian school I believe. Rules about boys were unwriten and I sort of stumbled across them before realizing what was okay and what wasn't, I thinkI had my first boyfriend at...fourteen (haven't thought about this in a while lol) and I don't even remember kissing him. I think the best thing you can do is talk to your kids!!!
There are so many things that I wish my mom would've talked to me about. I didn't know till I was twenty a lot of things that she should have told me when I first started dating.
Just talk to your kids, make sure they know where you stand. That's the best advice ever.  

[Psyzapp]

Thanks Geezers for all of the advice and points of view. Wanted to get some grown up perspective since we are going through the teenage thing for the first time with our oldest. We are very open with our son and do lots of talking about things—something I feel is extremely important also.

So far the relationship is very innocent and the kids just basically have lots in common and like to hang out. I just wanted to address the "girlfriend" issue sooner than later so that discussions are had and boundaries are established.

Keep the ideas coming if ya got em. biggrin  

[Patron with a Mission]

One more idea I had:

If you feel a bit squeamish still after all the rules have been set, you can schedule something like a study break party, where friends can gather and study together for school, hang out, have snacks and games, or maybe, just a party for no special reason, just something to do and to meet with others.

This benefits both you and your kids; they get to study, hang out, or do what they please and work on their social skills, and you get to supervise them with ease, knowing others are there too, and you get to know all your kids' friends.  

[Serenity Celestial]

No girls in the house when you and your husband are not home. No girls in his room.  

[bandaidd]

Teaching/learning is way more important than rules.

Get to know your child, show real interest in what is going on in their life and heart and head. What are their biggest challenges, what makes them the happiest? Do they know that you love and respect them and want their happiness?

This is a great time for you to do some soul searching, too. How can you be supportive? What behaviors do you truly believe will bring them happiness or grief? Do you have personal examples you can share?

Think long and hard before you make rules. Make sure you can explain why this is important for them, that the rule is not for you. Consider allowing them to help set their own guidelines, now that they are "growing up". Be a friend, be a teacher, be someone that they know will always love them.

Something that you may not need to tackle just yet is realizing that the more time you spend with someone, the more intimate the relationship. People get close by spending time together. that is unavoidable, but when the hormones kick in, emotional and social intimacy naturally lead to physical intimacy, especially for children who do not receive physical affection. I believe that we all need some kind of physical affection. Hugs from a parent may be awkward but they mean a lot and they satisfy that need to a great extent. Even a caring touch on the shoulder.  

[Oshousama_Raistlin]

1. Boyfriend/girlfriend MUST obey house rules (Clean up messes, be polite to parents, take off shoes in the house)

2. Anything that they wish to do in the house is negotiable. Even kissing/sex, as long as they negotiate terms under which such actions are allowed, eg: Have to have been going out for ___ number of months before kissing is allowed, and even then only inside the house where neighbors can't see.

3. Breaking of rules = restriction of rights, like losing the right to kiss for a week.