Another defective relationship thread

[Shinigami Unity]

Yes. When you have no where else to turn to for advice - you turn to the GGG.

So I have been in a relationship for about 2 1/2 years. For almost 2 of those years, we lived together in my apartment. Since I don't expect anyone to remember, in the past 2 1/2 years I have:

1. Left my exhusband and 6 years of abuse behind
2. Lost custody of my children
3. Fought depression/anxiety disorder
4. Started college
5. Had a miscarriage

Aside from the past 2 1/2 years, I've just had a really horrible and difficult life so far. No sob story for sympathy - it's just a fact.

When I had the miscarriage, it was his baby. The reason I ended up preg-o was because apparently my birth control wasn't working like it should. The reason I had the miscarriage was because I have thyroid issues. He does NOT want kids - and told me when we found out I was pregnant that I should get an abortion. This caused issues that I carried around for a long time because I still feel he's happy I miscarried.

Anyway, in January my lease was up and we were going to find our own apartment. He decided to move in with his mom instead so he could get free rent while he was in college and working full time.

I got laid off from my job. This did not change his plans. Because rather unfortunately I am in love with him and he does not want lifetime commitment (he just wants me around uncommitted for life). He also feels that I have not overcome all of the things I've dealt with in my past - but I have come a long way in 2 1/2 years (who gets over sexual abuse in months anyway?).

I am working as many hours as I can right now at my part time job in hopes that I can at least pay some of my bills. Most weeks I can't afford to buy groceries. I'm also struggling with school. And my kids? Well that is a whole nother thread.

I know eventually I will get sick of trying in this relationship. I just would like some thoughts from other people. Sometimes he does treat me really good - other times he's like a stone wall.

Is this really a f-ed up relationship? Am I as horrible as I feel? Does it always suck this much to be in love?

(YES I am 24 and have never been in love).  

[Sweet_lil_tomboy]

Sounds to me like you left one abusive relationship for another. I'd say move on with your life. Keep working, keep going to school and focus on you and only you for a while. It's time for you to really get to know who you are. Live your life and don't worry about him, he's a momma's boy and you don't need one of those in your life anyway. Try doing something new in your spare time, form a study group, hang out in the library for awhile. Go to a school sporting event or a social. Whatever it is, make sure that first it's something you want to do and second that you go in with only expectation in mind and that is the experience of somthing new. The rest will fall into place.
This can be a very enjoyable time for you to grow and expand on who you are. How you choose to do that is up to you.
Good Luck Sweetie smile heart  

[Patron with a Mission]

I have to agree completely. It does not sound like he will dedicate to you as much as you have to him. I say leave him and make your own future.

You've overcome more than a lot of other people would do otherwise. You are now on the list of my heroes, so you know smile  

[ThisEmptySoul]

"Abusive" is a strong word. It doesn't look like he's done anything to quite "earn" that description from the information given. "Mama's boy" is also an unjust insult as he has a perfectly good and logical reason for moving in with his mum. Just because someone is having relationship issues doesn't mean you get to insult their significant other. Have you not considered the possibility that he too may be having personal issues of his own?

As for my thoughts on the relationship, I wouldn't consider it completely messed up, but it also isn't ideal. "Ideal" {as far as my opinion goes} would be that both of you have similar plans for the future of your relationship. If one would like kids and the other would not, and if one wants to marry while the other does not, these are some major issues that need to be worked through, however that does not mean that the relationship cannot be salvaged.

Being that he's going through school plus has a full time job, he probably does not want to concern himself with building a family {this includes marriage} right now since he already has a lot on his plate. This is pretty normal for guys in college. What he says now concerning marriage and children should not be considered "set in stone" because it's very possible his thoughts on it will change after he feels he is stable enough mentally, physically {can't be much of a father if you're either at work or school all day and come home exhausted}, and financially to support a family.

Because of this and the fact he suggested abortion, I would not rule out that he at least had some kind of feeling of relief from the miscarriage, but I would not go as far as to say that he was "happy" about it. There is a difference. While some find children to be "a bundle of joy", they are also a source of additional stress. Worrying about working full time and finishing college, plus having to support a baby and the mother is a lot to handle... while not impossible, it is a situation most guys would want to avoid. However, even if he does not want children right now, that doesn't mean he was "happy" about a miscarriage. For him to be "happy" implies that he feels no remorse or grief for the loss nor for you to have gone through it, which isn't necessarily the case.

On a side note concerning love... do not be so quick to call something "love". As soon as you slap the "love" label on something, it's harder to make decisions regarding the relationship that would normally have been easy to logically work through. While I can't tell you whether or not it really is love since I am not in the situation, I can tell you that love is a two-way thing, which means that it's only love if the person loves you back. Otherwise, it is just one person with admiration, lust, or whatever for someone else.

With this in mind, if you do not feel as if the "love" is being reciprocated, there is no need to stick around just because you're "in love". I have seen many {usually females} deny themselves a normal or better life because they were "in love" with someone who they either couldn't have or was no good. I can't say if this is the case for you, but it's something to keep in mind.

Your relationship does seem to be a bit rocky at the moment, but it is nowhere near complete ruin from what I can tell. All relationships have high points and low points. If the lows outweigh the highs with no resolution in sight, then it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.  

[Shinigami Unity]

ThisEmptySoul - then I will never put the label "love" on anything. Not everyone is loose with that word. I have spent a lot of time in the 10 years I have known him concerning how I feel about him. I believe it entirely possible that I can love him while knowing I can never be with him. Loving him doesn't make it harder to decide when it's time to leave him - he makes it harder, everything about him that makes me so happy.

I know what your intentions are and I probably shouldn't be annoyed. But, eh. =P (and now I'm over it)

Sweet_lil_tomboy - There is some stock in the need to be independent. It's very difficult, if not impossible, to be the best you can to someone else if you don't know who you are in the first place. I haven't had an opportunity to be so selfish ever - I probably should remember that and take advantage of it. I do not think that I would say he is anywhere close to abusive. Difficult, yes. A jerk? Sometimes, as everyone can be.

I think I just get so wrapped up in things sometimes that I forget: there is no rush to be happily married and living in the suburbs. When I enjoy spending time with him, I should. When he pisses me off - I can be pissed off. I can even tell him. I can jump into my car and leave.

The way that I feel about him hasn't changed - sometimes it hurts, sometimes it makes me feel strong. If it is supposed to be long-term, it will be.

Hopefully this will stick with me more than a couple days.  

[Shinigami Unity]

Patron with a Mission

You are now on the list of my heroes, so you know smile

That made me blush. sweatdrop  

[ThisEmptySoul]

As I said, I can't say whether or not it really is love so don't take it to mean me telling you that you're not in love because I wouldn't know. While I still mean everything I said, I do feel the need for a bit of an apology since I admittedly wrote it under the assumption that you might have been misusing the word or not put that much thought into your feelings, as I have seen too many times.

I still say that the feeling has to be mutual for it to truly be love, though. It wasn't until I met my spouse that I fully came to realize that. If I had done so sooner, it would have saved me a bit of trouble.  

[Shinigami Unity]

That may entirely well be true. But if that's the case, there's no way I'd know that until some time in the future - or not at all. I do feel a bit bad for being annoyed at your comment - you seem like a decent person and I know what you were getting at.

I did a lot more thinking about it after I attempted to sleep last night (I don't succeed very often). I realized I payed way too much attention to the fact that:

1. I felt feelings toward him I've never felt toward any one else
2. He does _______ which pisses me off (fill in the blank with everything he does that I don't like)

Instead of paying attention to WHY I feel the way I do towards him (and of course address the things that are worth addressing in the "I don't like" category).

So maybe I do need to do a little bit of reigning myself in some times.  

[ThisEmptySoul]

ah yes... the "I've never felt like this before" feeling. I had that many times, and each new time I thought to myself, "wow, I was so stupid last time. This time it's the real thing!" I feel like kicking myself just thinking about it.

Considering why you feel the way you do really helps to analyze just how deep your feelings are. Looking back on all the times I thought I was in love, I know exactly what it was I was feeling and why I was feeling it.... and it actually makes me feel a bit shallow despite how "deep" I thought it was at the time stare However, don't take this to mean that you are not in love... just as a way to make sure.

Also, just because there are things about your partner that you don't like doesn't mean that it might not be love. I'm sure if you ask any happily married couple if there are things about their spouses that they don't like, they could give you a list {unless they're in denial or they are straight out of some kind of fairy tale}. Being in love doesn't mean agreeing on everything and them always doing things that you like and never things you don't like.

No matter who it is you're with, you're going to find things you don't like about them after knowing them for so long. Even if they were your clone, you could end up annoyed that they are too much like you. The idea isn't to find someone that has nothing that you don't like, but rather someone that sort of completes your life I guess. I can't actually describe exactly what you need to look for because each person is different... just know that there very likely will never be someone that doesn't have flaws or undesirable features/personality traits. No one is perfect.  

[Sweet_lil_tomboy]

I agree, no one is perfect. If we were we'd be somewhere else. We all have our flaws and lessons in life we must learn.
The most improtant thing I have learned is that relationships take effort and time to build and grow.
I am blessed to be with my best friend, lover and husband. He's my rock, my world, my everthing. I love him for who he is inspite of his flaws and he loves me inspite of mine. He never puts me down but instead lifts me up; he never critizes me but he inspires me to be better; he never ignores me but he allows me to be myself and most of all he never says "You Can't" but rather says "How can I help You?".
It's give and take relationship that fills us both with love and pride to have each other by our sides.
Good Luck Sweetie heart  

[Sweet_lil_tomboy]

P.S.
There many varieties of abuse. Emotional abuse is one of the hardest to overcome.
When a person makes you feel like you're nothing and you feel guilty for not knowing what to do or how to do it then that's a form of abuse. I know my ex made me feel like I was worthless and like I wasn't trying hard enough to make it work. It was only after walking away and being on my own that I realized I had done everything within my power to make it work and without the committment of my partner there was nothing I could do to save it.
Hugs. heart  

[The Last Chase]

Whoa, that's intense.
I can't say that I've been in the exact same thing, but I've been in something similar and oddly enough, while I was going through it I found myself reading he's just not the into you. The whole time I was reading the signs and still ignored them because I thought I was in love with the guy.
We had dated once before, I kissed the guitarist in my band and instead of getting engaged, I got dumped right before we were supposed to go on a trip together, where he was going to purpose.
So after going our seperate ways for a while we found our way back to each other, I thought it was fate. I thought that that was it, we were destined to be together and I was fully commited to it... but he wasn't.
I was trying to move out to Cali durring that time and while I wanted to stay with him, even if it ment a long distance relationship, he was very hesitant. He kept telling me not to let him hold me back, to just keep going and that we could always be friends if anything happened.
Everything with him had changed. He had become a smoker, a cutter and a was only a small sliver of his life, I had to change my hours at work just to make sure I got a chance to see him once a week and even then if his friends wanted to do something anything with me took the backseat.
Anyway, long story short....
You need to drop that guy like a bad habbit.
I know it's not what you want and I can understand wanting something more than what you had. But you need someone better than all this. Yes, we all have rough times in relationships, but sometimes "the first red flag is the only one you need".  

[Shinigami Unity]

I really don't think he's abusive. I know abusive and I really don't think he is.

However, I am seriously considering ending the relationship based on the fact that I just think we're too different.

He is very athletic - never gets tired and eats like a horse.
I am always sick with something - I have a lot of medical issues and allergies.

Today we went to the street fair with my best friend. After 6 hours, I realized I had fallen behind the two. They were just talking cheerfully and I realized I really felt like crap. Then I realized I was just holding him back - and that always falling behind was making me feel really insecure.

I just can't handle the stress this relationship is causing me.

Who knows? Maybe in a couple months things will be better. Maybe some time away will give me time to think about what it is I really want. I want to figure out what I want out of life without always thinking about how it will impact my relationships.  

[The Last Chase]

One thing I learned from my ex is this:
If you two aren't on the same wavelength, if you aren't in the same place in the realtionship, emotionaly or otherwise, it wont work. It really is true.
I expected way more out of our relationship than he did and it pushed him farther and farther away. It wasn't that I was wrong in feeling the way I did, or that I was overbearing, it was simply that I wanted more than he could give.
I think it would be good to take that time to yourself, but I'm pretty sure you already have your answer.  

[Shinigami Unity]

I just wanted to update this to say:

I decided to give the relationship some time. I have a habit of just running away from my problems and I didn't want to do that with this relationship. He does mean more to me than most everything else does.

But I did decide to take quite a few steps back - as well as letting myself be upset every time someone talks about engagement rings and super committed relationships. He did hurt me by moving out.

I am in a bad place in my life right now. As much as I want someone there with me to hold my hand when I'm sad, I need to find the self confidence to know that I can handle it on my own. I need to find ways to make myself happy. I have made progress - I don't need to pick up the phone every single time I feel upset. I also don't dwell on it nearly as much as I used to. I want to be strong - like I know I can be.

I probably never will get to have a beautiful wedding and feel like a princess. But who knows? I am still young - and hopefully will be alive for quite a few many more years. Maybe some day something will change, but until then I will just wait and see where life takes me.