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 Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 11:35 pm
Still obsessed / Why I need a Life
So, biggest news in my life right now? My mom's boyfriend proposed to her two nights ago. Yeah, we all knew it was coming (she set a time limit as to when she wanted a ring by when entering the relationship, lolol) and it was totally cute and unexpected. I'm really excited, it means we can start -actually- planning the wedding now-- not that we haven't been doing so behind his back for probably a year or more now (I'm dragging her out dress shopping soon, I already know what she wants in a gown, what she likes and doesn't like, we've got colours picked out and we know the style and flavours for the cake I'm going to make). All we need is to book s**t and we'll have a flawless wedding. Oh, and money. Y'know. That kinda helps.
But I dunno. I've been so excited for it for so long, I inspected her fingers for rings when she got back from Mexico and was disappointed. Then he just... popped the question outta nowhere last night, and it was really cute, I was happy at the time, but now I'm just like, hmm, okay, whatever. And I guess that's probably okay seeing as I'm not the one getting married, but still. It didn't feel oh so very special they way I've been conditioned my whole life to believe it should be. I'm just hoping that when that time rolls around for me, when I've found the guy that makes me feel unspeakably happy, that it'll be special and everything I want it to be.
He bought the wrong ring. He got the wedding band, rather than the engagement diamond. She's a little miffed. She went ring shopping with him-- he didn't buy it then, but they did go together and she picked out the one she liked. I tried to defend him, y'know, guys don't really know how this stuff works, etc, but she's still going to have to fix it. She's worried about hurting his feelings-- not only was it not yellow gold, like she wanted, but it was the wedding band. Lol.
Yeah. Still obsessed with Valve's works. I don't own Left 4 Dead, but I watched a s**t-ton of gameplay videos online, it's a very cool little game. I'm so terrified of zombies I'd never play it, my paranoia would be so bad I'd probably be put away in a very special place, but I have no problems watching it being played. (A little paranoia- trouble showering, checking doors and windows, locating nearest objects usable as weapons, etc) In my defense, I was home alone that week.
But it's a great game. It's got a good, compelling storyline, but it's not so stifling that it takes away from the hack-the-s**t-out-of-everything zombie killin'.
Anyway, so then I decided I'd play Synergy, a Half-Life mod that basically makes the game multiplayer, which was okay. The lag was particularly bad for me, but this ain't no gaming computer, so oh well. And I haven't really given it a good good solid try, so yeah. A few hours only, no really good go at it.
Then Portal: Prelude, a fanmade mod that is the. hardest. thing. I have ever played. Wtf.
Like, if you thought at any moment that the Challenge puzzles in Portal were hard, you will still be endlessly stumped by Portal: Prelude. Your timing has to be ace, your use of momentum flawless, and your nerve of steel. Ugh.
Then finally tried Team Fortress 2. And... oh my god. Oh my god oh my god oh my god.
Favourite game ever, I do think.
Then I got frustrated at my sucking so completely (I'm infinitely proud of my total kills of like, eight, as Pyro... XD) so I decided to venture into the rest of the fandom.
Mind asplode.
Now, I... I like fanfiction. I'm not going to lie. I feel a small pang of shame admitting it, but I do enjoy it. Thankfully, so do some of my friends, so I feel less bad. But I don't read like, Harry Potter or Naruto or whatever the ********. I'll admit I read some Ouran during that part of my life, and ho s**t was I addicted to Teen Titans fanfics during middle school. Read maybe a week of Twilight fanfiction, also during middle school, when I was into that, before I grew a brain. I've been doing a little Half-Life fanfiction in the past few months, and there's some really great stuff, but it's very hard to find. The fandom isn't populated entirely by horny women.
Team Fortress 2, on the other hand... well. I mean, the game is rated 'mature', so...
It started with DeviantArt and all the glorious fanart. Made me insanely jealous that I can't draw to save myself, can't do anything decent unless I'm looking at a reference picture for like, four hours.
I favourited eighty images. They're all incredibly sexy. Or at least incredibly beautiful or elegant in some way.
And a few lolable comics. XD
Massive fangasms all around. I--- I don't even know. I can't justify it. If fangirling over Half-Life was wrong, then this just makes me a ******** psychopath. Like-- ugh. I can't even explain myself. There's just something so appealing to me about an image of the Medic drenched in blood and scars (and maybe shirtless), going after an enemy with his bonesaw... gyaaah. His character in general is really attractive to me :/ If I could find someone like him, oh my god it'd be magical and explosive and amazing. I'd have to kiss him just to stop him from driving me crazy with that accent. Let alone everything else I'd do... ohlol Moving on. And then I read people mentioning tf2chan on DA, and it just went downhill from there. XD
So. much. fanfiction. So much /adult/ fanfiction, something I've never really read before (unlike my friend, who readily sent me a link to a very explicit slash Harry Potter fic in order to help me research writing narcissistic characters, XD), but I feel okay since I'm eighteen, nineteen in March. XD
So yeah. I figured out how to upload PDFs of some fics onto my iPod touch while I was away over Christmas, so I'd have something to do in the car. It was fun. There are a lot of talented writers, kinda inspired me with new ideas for characters (yeah, a medic-like German med student character will definitely be included. Can you imagine nationality and (s**t what's the word for ways people speak-- vernacular? Idk) weren't even things I considered when I was coming up with my cast??) and my novel. Which I swear I'll get around to writing. Someday. It's a very ambitious project. But it'll get done some day because it's always in the back of my mind, and it's tantalizing.
Anyway, yeah. That's what I've been up to for a few days. Reading fanfiction... really hot fanfiction. XD
I have nothing better to do with my time, really. Not until school starts. On the fifth. It's too soon. Do not want.
At least I know what to expect this year, and I can see when I'm goingt o fail a class and drop it before it becomes a fail-- like I did in math. XD
That's okay, I passed three others that I know of-- still waiting for bio marks, but otherwise I got a B+ in Psych, a B in Chemistry (which I was worried about) and a C in Anatomy (my uberhard elective, lolol)
I'm taking more Chem, Bio and Psych this year (Bio-psych major ftw) and then English and 'Biochemistry and Human Health'.
I'm pretty excited, but I'm also just kind of enjoying this inconsequential lying around doing nothing for days on end, reading written tf2 porn because it's interesting, nowhere to go and nothing dire to do (except maybe clean my room).
Sigh. On the one hand, I really enjoy breaks because I don't have to do anything at all. On the other hand, I get in this weird headspace. I become obsessed with something, latch onto it for dear life, and my real life takes a back seat to this thing. It happens every summer, every significant break I get. Then when I get back to real life, back to something keeping me occupied, it's like being an entirely different human being. Being someone with purpose, or at least a distraction. A distraction from the distractions.
Christmas was nice. Went up to the mountain and skied with the family. That was our big gift, but I still got a scarf and some cool DJ headphones in the gift exchange, and my mom got me Fringe season 2, Avatar collector's edition, an Indian cooking kit, and Alice in Wonderland purse, some body stuff, etc. It was good :'D
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Posted: Sat Jan 15, 2011 11:32 pm
Sehr gut
So, loving my new classes. They're all very cool. I got a bunch of great profs and lab instructors. Except bio; the prof sucks, but she'll do. The lab instructor for bio is fantastic, she studies lemurs and is going to Madagascar for like, a year, soon.
Chem prof is okay, he's monotone but is straightforward. Chem lab instructor is... attractive. Motivating to do well, for sure ;D
English prof is excited about English, which makes it easy to tolerate.
Psychology prof is a riot. His class is the best. Oh my goddd.
Biochem prof is also pretty funny, he's been retired for like, five or ten years, and just didn't... stop coming in to work. XD He makes me paranoid about my health. Probably not a bad thing.
And I'm so excited to take German either over the summer or next term, whenever it's available. Like, legit stoked for it. It's going to be epic. I'm excited to go through the whole mental process I did in grade one, when I started learning French. I'm good at languages, so it should be both rewarding and fairly easy.
And Rammstein is just kind of blowing apart my world right now.
Like, oh holy crap. My new addiction. Move over TF2 (I still love you and will still read your adult fanfiction! XD) but Rammstein's gonna be taking up a lot of my time lately. And it's less awkward to listen to Rammstein on my iPod on the bus, than to read an explicit TF2 fic on my iPod on the bus. Sorry, it's just how it is. I'm paranoid people will be offended by the fact that I'm just casually reading slash of two handsome mercenaries from a video game. No big deal.
Downloaded a torrent-- I have all of Rammstein's songs now. Like, sixty five or something? Sehr gut. I'm probably using that wrong, but that's what I get for learning what German I know from literary porn.
Oh god, I love the internet. See, in real life, I'd be too shy to even think of admitting that to people, even ones I know very well, but online? Pssshhh.
Bought some makeup yesterday, pretty stoked. Just a lip liner and two lipsticks, but I've been wearing them for the past two days, and I actually really love them. I picked great, neutral shades that I can wear every day, and I feel super confident about them.
Had a run-in with wax today, it was painful, but I yet again emerged victorious.
I still need to deal with my eyebrows, though. They're getting really bad again. But I lost my good pair of tweezers, only have s**t ones left. And the wax things I bought are holycrap messy. Not fine enough to deal with smaller details of eyebrows-- or else I'll end up with misshapen eyebrows, or none at all.
I haven't met anyone at university yet. Suffice to say I'm a little disappointed. I mean, meet someone romantically.
But I mean, I'm going to be nineteen in March, and still a complete virgin. Never been kissed, never held hands, etc. Not that that's a bad thing, it's just not the ideal case. I imagined my life going way differently.
I'm sure someday I'll find that guy that's worth everything, but in the mean time I'm getting restless and lonesome.
I think I'm pretty. Aren't I?
I think I'm funny. Why wouldn't I be?
I'm easy to get along with. I'm not unfriendly.
Yet I'm somehow unapproachable?
I don't get it.
Well, yes, I do. I'm not a skinny b***h. I've got some fat and I've got a mind of my own.
But come on. I'm not like, morbidly obese. I'm smart, funny, confident enough I suppose, I put my best face forward at all times, I'm passionate about life and science and biology and medicine and progress and music and languages and video games, and wouldn't I just be someone, somewhere's perfect match?
What the hell. What do I care? I don't care. No. No, I won't care.
Someday, someday.
I ain't gonna beat myself up about it, and I'm not going to change who I am.
Might lose a little weight, but I was intending to do that anyway. But I will not yield who I am just to attract potential mates. That simply will not do. I want someone who accepts me in all my imperfect obsessive geeky failtacular scientific anomalous being.
Written like a dozen or two sentences for my novel. Slowly but surely I will write it ;D
If I post it online, I'll definitely post links. Not that anyone will ever read it, but that's okay :'D
I'm gonna go now, got stuff to do. I HAVE to do my chem lab report; I'm GOING to go play the Sims 3.
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Posted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 11:53 pm
I wish I could tell you to stop it, but to be quite honest, you're not doing anything, liebe.
God, I'm so sick. Not in the physical sense. Sick as in, just ********... ******** in the head. Wrong. So very wrong.
So it took some time, but I've confirmed that I do have a thing for my best friend's brother. This is so wrong. Not only because he's her brother, but because he's too young for me, he's got a girlfriend (although when I was over there yesterday, she mentioned that he hadn't broken up with her yet, and there was a tense awkward moment in which I stared into my tea and she got after him for not doing it, and he's like, '...It's complicated.'), he's still in high school, I don't know a lot about him except that we get along quite well and have a bunch of stuff in common, and that half of my motivation for going to visit her is to see him. ********. I'm so ******** sick.
I saw him on the bus today (not that I haven't been looking for the past... few months... but I've never seen him on it, I just assumed he walked, he seems like that sort of stubborn person. The distance between his school-stop and his getting-off stop is one stop, but it's fricking long because it's over the highway. Also, I dunno if he even saw me. I think he did, but I could be wrong... I was at the back of the bus, but in clear view, it wasn't particularly full.) and I felt that... that euphoric feeling, like lightning shot through my veins. My heart was beating so fast, and I realized how much I missed that feeling. Even if it's so goddamn wrong. But it doesn't feel wrong, it feels... really right, to hang out and talk with him, just pass hours with him, almost make my friend late for her night class because I got caught up talking to him again. I was over at their house yesterday, and we talked for quite a while, and we get on so well, it doesn't feel wrong, you know? We went upstairs and watched Dr Horrible's Sing-Along Blog since me not having seen it is some sort of travesty (which it was. SO GOOD OMG). And out of the corner of my eye, I saw him looking at me more than a few times, but I don't want to look into it too much because every time I do, I'm wrong and I end up getting hurt.
I just... ******** me. I don't know what I should do about this. Obvious logical reasons would point me in the 'stay the hell away' direction, obviously, but I can't say I'm feeling particularly rational or logical right now. I mean, I love the atmosphere and the content of university, but it's insanely lonely. I haven't met very many new people, and half the time, I'm alone. I definitely haven't met any guy friends, let alone much more. I dunno why, but apparently I'm unapproachable. Nobody even ever sits by me if they can help it. What the ******** least with him, I can be myself and talk about things that interest me and he cares enough to listen, he's into a lot of the same things I am, it's just... agh, it's good. But it's so so bad, so so wrong. I shouldn't. I can't.
He's a lot of the stuff I'd want in a guy. Physically, he's very tall and lanky and elegant in the way he carries himself, with long slender elegant beautiful fingers that I'm dying to examine, to see in action, to be able to touch. His hair is blond, his eyes are... s**t, green or blue or something? I haven't been that close to him. He's got a crooked mischievous smile, but he's not too sparing with it, even though he likes to have that sort of 'I'm so mysterious and stern' kind of air about him. And he's smart, he's into languages and science and science fiction and video games and writing and literature and tea (believe it or not, tea-appreciation is a huge selling point for me in a guy. XDDD Don't ask-- it's weird.) and the same sort of music I am, and uggghhhh. It sucks. I don't know what to do. I don't know what he thinks of me.
And even if this stage of things totally sucks and I feel so dumb for being back here again, I can't help the trill of excitement and happiness that's running through me, and a little bit of joy at having something to think about in the off time. Yeah, that's the worst part-- if nothing else, it's a good distraction. That makes me feel worse than any of the other exceedingly verboten and creepy things about it all. How do I know it's genuine if I can appreciate that it's a good pass-time, having someone to think about and desire?? I'd feel like s**t if I were to ever hurt ******** me.
I wish it were summer term. Then I'd be back at work, where I feel truly myself, and I'd be taking summer classes, including my German class, and in typical grass-is-greener fashion, of course I'd be much happier.
Though recently I've been exploiting the power of music on the human brain-- specifically in that it tends to release endorphins (pleasure chemicals) when you listen to your favourite music. So naturally Rammstein's been on nonstop for days now. I fall asleep to it. Yeahhhh.
Doesn't it make me feel like King Kong on cocaine, though!
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Posted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 10:54 pm
I need help.
I hung out with a friend today-- to be technical, he's my ex-crush's boyfriend, but he's actually a really cool guy, I'm so very glad we spent the time together!! I was nervous at first of keeping conversation going since he has anxiety issues and I'm just plain shy and not usually talkative around people I don't really know, but I just let him do a lot of the talking and it was brilliant. We toured music stores, I ended up with four new CDs~ Anyway, he knows so goddamn much about music, and metal is his favourite genre, which I had NO IDEA since he NEVER showed that side of himself at school, I was impressed~ he knows so many fantastic bands I'd never even heard of, and so many cool things, it was just a great day. He's trying to sort out his social anxiety by hanging out with friends, so I'm trying my best to help him in any way I can, and it was totally fun and a great day and everything I needed. Next time we hang out, we're gonna have a music day~ I'm stoked.
I loved hanging out with him, but after we parted, I got just as lonely as I was before I went to meet up with him. I've been feeling increasingly more lonely and desperate and hopeless lately-- but I do think it's cyclical. I get really super lonely, then angry, PMS, then after my period I'm totally fine and normal again.
But... I mean, I've got nobody. A few friends, but I can't see them as much as I'd like, and the overwhelming feeling of being loved and appreciated and cherished quickly fades after we part.
I've never had any sort of romantic relationship, and I'm almost ******** nineteen. And every day that goes by, that bothers me more and more.
And I came to a realization today: I like food and material objects because they fill that hole in my heart that feels as gaping and yawning as a black hole today. But they don't fill it forever, just momentarily. And yet I keep eating and I keep buying things (I bought so much s**t today, four CDs, a t-shirt, Bioshock 2, pre-ordered Portal 2 (so worth it), and four colours from MAC (though I used a gift-card that covered half).)
I like video games because I can be someone else. I like writing because I can be someone else.
I obsess over things (like TF2 and the Medic) because I want to be someone else. I want to be loved and cherished like that character, I want their experiences, I want their persona.
Not necessarily saying that I want to be an insane bonesaw-swinging middle-aged German man, but you get the point, right? I love the character--> I want to be the character because I love them so much it hurts, or because of the (sadly immensely fangirlish of me) relationships they're depicted in, or... I don't even ******** know. It's so hard to psychoanalyze myself.
I just... I wish too much that I was someone else, even if I don't realize it. I wish I could change who I am. I wish I could have some way to fill this hole in my chest.
Rammstein's not helping the feeling. Roter Sand and Spring are my favourite songs right now, they make the hole in my chest ache, they're so goddamn heart-wrenchingly beautiful. Stein um Stein is also a good one for that.
I haven't listened to much else in the last little while than Rammstein. Got their Live auf Berlin album today, it's solid. Two of the others sit neglected on my desk, but Opeth's album got listened to and appreciated, but it didn't do for me what Rammstein's did for me, with his heartbreaking vocals, his beautiful, alluring rolled R's, the mystery of an unknown language... and I recall that I went through the same thing with Dir en Grey back when I first got into them, but this feels like it will never end.
I miss feeling happy. When did I stop? I don't know. It wasn't too long ago that I recall being happy. But now I'm not. I don't know.
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Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 9:45 pm
On Fear and Music
So, I feel like I've done a little growing up since last post. A little tiny bit. I'm still horrendously addicted to everything I was before, this time with my focus shifted to Rammstein so that now I want to go see them live so badly it actually physically hurts.
But still.
So anyway, what I wanted to say today was that, that friend? The one from the last post? We've hung out a bit more since then, that was good. No big deal. Then last week he broke up with his boyfriend (my ex-crush, remember?) and that's actually a hugely good thing, not because I still have feelings for that guy, but because he was treating my friend like s**t and I'm super-pissed at him for it. He'd manipulate my friend, using his anxiety disorder to get him so he was spending all his time only with him, and then once he had my friend where he wanted him, he would just bugger off and start ditching him to see other people. He'd get mad when he tried to see other people, have a social life, and make him feel guilty, even though he never had time for my friend anymore. It's just so wrong. He was actively flirting with other guys online, and that didn't make my friend feel very good at all. I'm so glad he saw it, he deserves way better than that.
He was making great progress with his anxiety, and had met a girl that he liked and who liked him back (though that isn't why he broke it off with his boyfriend.) Anyway, so he broke up with him, and told the girl, not so they could get together, but so she'd know, and she told him she also liked another guy (who has the same name as an older, long-time ex-crush of mine, which is not at all a common name! I think it's the same guy, but I don't wanna be So hey, is it the _____ that we went to school with? 'cause that'd be weird, especially since my friend is so torn up about this.) and that her friends were trying to get them together and that she'd rather stay friends with my friend and 'cuddle', whatever THAT means. I'm afraid she's going to use him for the physical stuff and just avoid a relationship altogether. I know nothing about her, so naturally I'm afraid she'd take advantage.
Anyway, so he was broken up about this, and we were talking over Facebook chat about it for a few hours. He was talking to another of my friends, too, I later found out, but my conversation was way different. Anyway, toward the end of the conversation, he's like, Can I ask you something? and I'm like, Yeah, sure. And then he's like 'Could I possibly take you out to dinner sometime?' and at this I was just like uhmmmm what? I didn't say that; I said sure (as horrible as it is to say, I like getting free food... and I thought it was platonic), and he's like, 'if you don't mind' and 'if you're alright with that' and 'as a friend/ date'. WHATEVER THAT MEANS. Um, friend/ date? Exactly like that. What is that? Did he mean a hyphen? Or an actual date?
So that sort of threw me for a loop, and I kept replying as impartially as I could, reassuring him that that'd be fine and internally knowing it'd never get to the point where the situation would be out of my control. I've never been asked out before, as a friend or otherwise. I'm flattered, yes, I just don't know what he's getting at. I mean, I know because of his anxiety he constantly feels like he needs to be making someone happy, in a relationship or not, and I'm not sure I want to be the new target of this. I want to help him get better and learn to make himself happy.
And I mean, I'm not into him like that. He's truly a sweetheart, and we get along so very well, we have tons in common, we're musically compatible and both play guitar, and I love spending time with him, but I don't feel like that for him. I don't think I could handle him in a relationship, with all his issues, as bad as that sounds, because he's been hurt so much and he has so much insecurity and anxiety, and he can be clingy in relationships. I have enough insecurities for two people on my own. I don't want to be a rebound, either, and I don't want to piss off his ex-boyfriend, who's actually a pretty good friend of mine despite that I crushed on him so hard and made a fool of myself about it. I still like the ex-boyfriend's roommate's brother, so... (I race to the bus on the days I get out at 2:30 because if I get the first bus leaving, I can get the bus he gets on. I was on it today, but he didn't get on it 'cause it was full. EFFFF. I was particularly gorgeous today, if I do say so myself. It's so unhealthy, I need to stop bending over backwards in the hopes that a ******** high-schooler will notice me. I've stopped going to her (his sister's) house because that's just not healthy behaviour, and I think they'll notice how I get all stupid and giggly when he's around. That's disgusting. He's too ******** young for me. I'm awful. I need to be checked in the head. But he's gorgeous and eloquent and intelligent and I don't feel so damn shy like I do every other male at university. I feel unapproachable, deplorable, worthless at school, but around him, I dunno. ********. I am messed up in the head. I'm crushing on a ******** eleventh-grader, but then I think about Rammstein and I get all giddy, and Till's practically my god, I mean, shouldn't a forty-eight year old man look bad in leather gear? He shouldn't be that attractive. If it weren't for that voice, ********, whatever. I've been thinking about the future, and relationships. I mean, I've never had a relationship before; is it bad that I'm starting to determine criteria I'd want my man to meet? Like, I don't think I could be with someone who didn't like tea. And more importantly, I'd need his musical taste to match mine. Because I get so passionate about the music I listen to, I fall in love with a band because they're able to grab on to my heartstrings and yank a real, raw, visceral response from me. It's- it's indescribable. Rammstein's been able to do that to me with so many songs, just grab me and make me want to sing along or dance or scream with them or cry or just... burst open because my chest is filled with so much joy it feels incomprehensible that the laws of physics are allowing it to stay intact. I'd need a man capable of understanding that and relating with me on this oh-so crucial point of who I am and the intensity with which I enjoy my music, and capable of entering musical rapture with me.
I turn on the radio now, and I just... I dunno. It's nothing. It's s**t. How can people like this stuff? There's no... there's no soul. No emotion, no voice. If there is, I can feel it. But I'm so sick of those dumb-a** songs about some ******** talking about how much he loves to tap his shawty, I'm like, what the ******** is that? There's nothing real about that. There's nobody behind that music, just the idea that sex sells, and it evidently does.
I mean, sure, it's good for an in-car distraction. Great, fine, whatever. But why do people give these autotuning asshats so much credit and recognition? Till Lindemann of Rammstein has such a beautiful range in his voice, such control and yet such power, a rich velvet but also some bite when the situation arises, and even though not all of his lyrics are as savoury as one might like (but hey c'mon, all the sex innuendo songs? Not so innocent) but his voice, his conviction, the whole band's melodies and thoughtful wordplay and music... ugh. It's just, it's amazing. It's an experience. And those R's, man. Those R's. He rolls them and it makes me want to weep it's so beautiful.
Every time I hear Roter Sand, it makes my heart lurch in a painful, not so unpleasant way. It's about a dying man who is shot in a duel over a woman. The killer thinks he stole her from him, but she loved him, too. It's beautiful.
Hnnnnggggg. I don't know.
I need to find a Rammstein-addicted tea-freak nerdy guy on campus so I can finally stop moping all on my own.
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Posted: Sun Feb 20, 2011 9:51 pm
Cynical? Why, no, why would you suggest such a thing?
I never seem to post here when I'm happy. I've been having a really great- fantastic in fact- week, but only now that s**t's getting worse do I feel the inclination to post.
I'll start with the good.
So, had an awesome week. It was a busy week, but good. Went out with two single friends for Valentine's, that was fun. II've discovered a little bit of a strategy and talent for writing papers in two hours the morning before they're due. As in, getting up at like, 4AM and pulling a fantastic paper out of my a**.
Not a great strategy overall, but it worked in this spectacularly ******** week of ******** weeks.
Had so much to do. Two papers, chem lab report, chem lab, midterms, it was just hell.
And then immediately after class on Friday we went up-island skiing.
Skiing was amazing and a half. Such beautiful conditions Saturday, the sun was out bright and shining, the sky was cloudless. Spotless. Amazingly breathtaking views from the peaks, just... gorgeous. Gained a lot of confidence in my skiing. It was wonderful. Today we skied with some little sort-of-cousins (my biological grandma's partner's adopted son's children) and it was fantastic, but the sun wasn't out, it was colder, a little windier, and the light grew to be really flat.
But still, wonderful weekend.
And Rammstein's coming to Seattle, the closest show to me geographically, so I'm definitely totally going. It's gonna be awesome. My friend's coming with me, too. I'm so excited. Whenever my life gets s**t, I just remember 'I'm seeing Rammstein in May' and everything is survivable again.
But I've been getting increasingly more lonely. Like, the lonely where you're yearning for your other half, wherever he may be. So much so that it hurts. So much so that sometimes, when I'm not quite in the right state of mind, I think about it and think in a way that should scare me how calm I am about it, that maybe dying wouldn't be so bad. And then other times I have moments, sometimes in public places or in class, where I have a few-minute internal panic, where I can't breathe and can barely move, where I just think about the fact that I'm going to die in too few years, or that I'm going to never find anybody who will love me and will die alone. It just grips my chest and my mind and I freeze, panicked, and wonder how I can escape life because it ends in death and I don't want that. Because who in their right mind would invent something like this? Something so great and wonderful and beautiful, and end it with death, with a permanent, immutable end, and then nothing? And then a few minutes later, I brush it off, move on with my life, and that's alright. It's over.
And I've been still helping that friend out however I can. We talk a lot, and I try and help him with his problems. He trusts me so much, and I'd like to think that I trust him just as much, but I never tell him about my problems. He's got issues, but it occurs to me on nights such as tonight, that I do, too. But I don't know how to bring it up-- Hey, so I occasionally have these paralyzing panic attacks where I freak out about dying or dying alone and I'm so desperate for someone who loves me that the concept of dying even seems less awful than being alone.
See, that'd just be awkward.
He's got no problems with launching into his problems, but me? I'm not like that. I guess I just like people thinking I'm 100% A-okay at any moment.
That I'm not so jealous of my mother and all her goddamn happiness with her stupid ******** fiance and her never having any time for me that it makes me physically sick.
That I'm not resentful of my friends who spend every day doing s**t-all and post all over the Internet about how awesome their lives are. I hate them for it. I ******** hate them. I want to beat them into the ground I hate them so much for all their stupidity, their easy lives, they don't have to work, or go to school, or pay rent, or buy food, or study, or do anything ******** except waste all their goddamn time. I ******** hate them so much I want to just deck them in their goddamn stupid little faces.
That I don't hate that I'm not important enough to any but a very tiny handful of friends that will go out of their way to make an effort to be with me. I'm always bending over backwards to spend time with my friends because they give ME s**t for never having time for them. I ask them for times they're available to hang out; they never return my message. Or I make all the plans, always, for hanging out. They never invite me anywhere. They never try and make plans with me. They make ME go to THEIR house, they make ME spend all MY time going to THEM, when I have a goddamn life and responsibilities like classes to not-fail, homework to do, etcetera, they are NEVER willing to use any of their AMPLE ******** FREE TIME BECAUSE THEY ARE STUPID USELESS UNEMPLOYED FREELOADING ******** who aren't being set ******** straight to, I dunno, make the hour-long bus trip to come see me at school for coffee? Would it be so ******** hard to be ******** APPRECIATED by ANYONE?
That I'm not so mad at my father that I'm kind of wishing he'd just get it over with and die already.
That I'm not ashamed of the fact that the fact that my stepdad died before I graduated was more upsetting than the fact that my own biological father couldn't come to my graduation. I always dreamed that he'd at least be there, I couldn't care less that my own dad wasn't. At least he was there for me, supported me. My dad wasn't.
That I don't hate my dad for everything he's ever done to slight me. He started out with giving me such shitty genes, he left me, he hurt me, he broke me, I'm a ruined girl. I couldn't maintain a healthy relationship with a man if I was ever even blessed enough to be given such an opportunity. All the male friends I have are gay. The dad's supposed to be the one who serves as a role model for how a girl interacts with males, right? Freud's s**t, right? I'm so screwed.
That I'm going to treat him as though he hasn't done a damn thing wrong when he comes to visit me (completely uninvited, unwanted) this week.
That I'm going to act like every single damn thing is totally perfect and right in my world, as I usually do.
I just... I've always hated the girls who're so desperate for a guy to appreciate them. I thought, you stupid twits, you're never going to find anyone like that, nobody who's worth having. I've always maintained the perfect, immutable faith that everything will fall into place someday. All through high school, I was single and I didn't let it bother me. Not through listening to the heartbreak of all my friends, listening to them brag about how great the sex was or how much they love their significant other. Watching them cling to each other and be all lovey. Been snuffed because 'what would I know about being in a relationship' (I still ******** hate you for that.) Whatever. I'll find my guy. It was just a fact. Nobody ever dies alone. I'll find some guy who's perfect and everything will be awesome in my life. I'll live in a big beautiful house on the water, facing west so I can watch the sun set every night, with an emerald-green front-lawn and a Lamborghini in my garage. I'll have a ring from Tiffany's or better on my finger, I'll be a published, successful research scientist who's cured cancer or a neural disease or something, and he'll be an award-winning physicist or a Nobel-laureate scientist or something just as successful. We'll be so ******** happy we'll s**t rainbows for the rest of our beautiful wonderful lives.
But I'm facing the reality more and more every day that it won't be like that. I won't achieve my dreams, I'm going to end up just as average as ********. Maybe just a little better off. Most likely I'm going to be in debt for twenty years from all my schooling, hopefully find me a job that pays well enough that I can eat, live somewhere, and get to where I need to go in a reasonable way. Maybe I'll find someone and we'll be happy for a little while. Might have kids if I ever get over the idea that I find carrying a parasite around in my womb for nine godawful months and then squeezing a human out through my v****a an utterly unpleasant, undesirable occurence. And then, we'll probably divorce a while later when we realize that we're not as close as we once were. Haven't had sex in a while. Don't enjoy the same things. Had different dreams in mind. Have both changed too much to be able to reconcile the differences. We'll have a nice good divorce, hopefully as civil as possible, and maybe I'll be lucky enough to get paid alimony. Maybe take half his s**t. And then I'll be depressed for a long while because I'm undesirable, and either eat away my problems or work myself into a waif. Either way, I will be unhappy for a long time. And I don't know if that will ever change. Maybe later on when I'm older and wiser I'll find someone else who's just as willing to settle for me as I am for them. We'll find stuff or make stuff in common. We'll have a lifetime of things to talk about. We'll make endless concessions for each other because neither of us wants to be alone at that age. Probably get married for ease of finances and other such legal matters; a simple wedding, most of the money will be spent on the food, booze, and flowers. Nothing fancy. I'll have lost my zest for such superficial things a long time ago, it will have died and rotted in my chest like a rat in a wall. And then we'll be together for a few decades before we have to go into a home, and then whichever one wins the race to the terminal disease will leave the other one behind for a little while, and I guess that's the end.
And I just so badly don't want to turn into that girl, the one who's searching so desperately for someone who won't be any good for her. I want to be desired, I want to be chased, I want to meet the guy who's willing to work for me because he knows it'll be worth it.
But honestly, all the guys I know are gay. Nobody at school talks to me unless I know them; I always think there are about three hundred people in all my lectures, it's hard to meet anybody. But three hundred ******** people and I can't meet anyone?
What is wrong with me? Why aren't I good enough?
I'm not pretty enough? I'm not skinny enough? I'm not interesting enough? I'm not funny enough? I'm not sociable or talkative or fantastic once you get to know me?
I'm too passionate and I get too obsessed over things? I'm too intense when you crack my shell I've put up for defense against everyone who's ever hurt me? I'm not particularly good at any one thing?
I just really need someone who will love me. Someone who will be there for me infallibly. Someone I can depend on completely and who will fill all my few meagre, undemanding needs.
My mom doesn't want anything to do with me anymore; she's got her fiance, she's happy, I'm not important anymore.
My dad hasn't ******** been around, and frankly I don't want anything to do with him anymore. Every chance I've given him, he's botched. If I'm not important enough to him to matter for the one day in my life where I'm supposed to be important, then he can go jump off a ******** bridge.
My friends don't deem me important enough to matter to them enough to ******** give me a call or come see me or anything. I'm only important to them when it's convenient for them.
I just need someone who will let me feel like maybe I matter. I'm not asking a lot.
I just can't stand being alone anymore making everyone else feel good about theirselves and pretending I'm okay with that.
And, worse, I don't feel like I can tell anyone I actually know how I feel because 'I'm just being selfish' or 'cheer up emo kid, it'll all turn out alright' or 'I'm making a big deal out of nothing' or 'I'm great just the way I am' (yeah... your ******** doormat, of course you wouldn't want me to grow up into someone who actually respects herself and won't stand for your bullshit, would you?)
And of course, after I've slept it off and I'm feeling alright tomorrow, I'll feel stupid for ever saying anything because it's a new day and I'll have let this all go until I start to feel lonely again.
So everything's fine. Everything's great. Everything's perfect.
I'm seeing Rammstein in May.
I'm going to go shoot the ******** out of some zombies now. Hopefully some harmless video game violence will remove all the homicidal rage I've just expressed in words. Hopefully then next time I see those friends I can force a smile and pretend I'm so happy to see them, oh isn't this great, yeah, no, I don't mind coming all the way out to see you at all (even though you wouldn't do the same ******** thing for me in a million years) instead of choke the living s**t out of them for being such stupid lazy useless spoiled ******** fine.
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Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2011 12:09 am
On a crush, proportions, truth and Rammstein.
So I turned nineteen on Thursday, and hung out with friends and alcohol yesterday. I didn't overdo it, the idea of getting wasted has never appealed to me very much. But I just had fun, it was wonderful. Then a couple friends stayed over, and one of those was my friend with the brother who I still have a crush on. I'm decided-- I do have a crush on him. It's awful, I feel awful for it. He's still in high school, like, grade eleven. I just turned nineteen. That makes me a horrible person, right? Creepy. Despicable. Awful. Deplorable.
But I can't help it. Those eyes make my heart beat faster, that smile makes me lose my train of thought. He's intelligent and quirky and mysterious, and he... I don't know. I don't know what he thinks of me. Every time I see him he seems to be interested in me, I saw him for like, less than an hour today and we spent most of the time talking, hanging back behind his mom and his sister, and I don't know, it just felt right, you know?
And that makes me feel shitty. Really s**t. This isn't right. This shouldn't be.
My knowledge of human psychology whispers to me that maybe I'm just fabricating the attraction in my mind, just because I'm so goddamned lonely that I yearn deeply for the idea of having anything with another human being. But it's not the same, not with my other guy friends. The one I've been hanging out with and am going to the concert with. It's not the same with him; though I do adore him and I feel safe with him, I don't feel any romantic inclinations. With other guy friends, I have a hard time knowing how to act, because I've never known many guys, but it doesn't feel like this. And with my old-crush who is gay, it's not the same. Sometimes I feel like maybe it'd be nice to be in his arms, but he's been such an a*****e lately he's not even the same person he was before.
And I just... I don't know. I feel like I'd be betraying my friend, I feel like I'd get hurt because I don't actually know what he thinks of me, if he's still got a girlfriend, if if if. I feel like I shouldn't want this because I'm too old for him. I feel like this is just too much, but I haven't felt desire in a long time, not since my last crush wrecked me. Been to school, but everyone at university seems the same. Some nice eye candy, but everyone's either too busy or too preoccupied with everything else to notice someone like me. Someone imperfect. I don't live on campus so I miss out on all that; I can't make the time commitment to join a club, not when I live so damn far from school; I'm too reserved to be initiating conversations and relationships, too self-conscious to try and build something new unless I already know the person. And nobody has made me feel special or truly good or worthwhile or desired in a long time, and it's nice.
I don't know what to do about him. I like him, I do. I want to be around him, get to know him better. Out of the context of my-friend's-brother-in-the-background sort of distraction. Can someone just... tell me what to do? Leave it alone because he's too young for me? Go for it, ask him out to coffee? Leave it alone because he'd never be interested in a stupid fat piece of s**t like you?
My own insecurities are getting the best of me these days. I keep thinking I'm worthless because I'm not tiny, not skinny; I'm built tall, long, with a large frame and some days it disgusts me to the point where I consider things I like to think I'm much too strong for. There are days when I don't think it's worth living because I'm never going to get the happy ending I've been hoping for, I'm worried I'm never ever going to be happy. How do you think it must feel to not only never be able to find clothes in normal stores, if not because of insufficient width then because of insufficient length, but also never be able to find cute shoes? Hats that fit? Ladies' gloves? Why am I built so absurdly large for a woman? It's enough to make a woman want to do something drastic because she can't ******** stand being excluded like this, made to feel so ******** worthless and disgusting because I'm not built from society's cookie cutter. How many other great beautiful wonderful people have crumbled under the pressure I'm shouldering right now? But... but I don't want to talk about that right now.
So, the guy I've been hanging out with, the one I'm seeing Rammstein with. His breakup with my ex-crush is well... it's hard. I've been listening to his side the whole time, and he's such an honest, shy person, I take his word to heart. Then last night my friend (with the brother) came over last night and told us my ex-crush's side of the story. Well. It's completely different than what I've heard thus far. And I'm not buying any of it. Firstly, because that boy is a manipulative, insecure little man with serious control and trust issues. Secondly, because compared to what I've heard and what I know my friend to be, the claims ex-crush is making are completely illogical and unsubstantiated. I was really upset, but I didn't say a word. Because my friend believed him, of course, he's her best friend. I just don't know what to do, he (ex-crush) tried to drag me into it, tried to get me to cancel my plans with Rammstein (that's what I'm calling him from now on. It's hard to indicate them when they're both males, lol) so he could pretty much go and harass Rammstein after several failed attempts at 'convincing him that they could make it work' and all this bullshit. Like, by 'several', the count is exceeding a half-dozen of these pitiful attempts to get him back, and he's still not giving up, not stopping with the constant anger and guilt-trips and all this other manipulative bullshit, even after Rammstein told him POINT-BLANK that he didn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore, that he didn't feel those things about him anymore. Every time, he cries and manipulates Rammstein's anxiety to make him feel bad and guilty and try to get him back. It hasn't worked, but it's so hard on him. I wish he'd get the clue, you know? This isn't right. I don't want to be in the middle, and I don't want to lose him as a friend, but I think he's being ridiculous.
And it just makes me think about what defines the truth. What 'really' happened when this sort of thing falls apart. There's no mathematical, substantial way to pinpoint who is right and who is wrong so it always devolves into 'sides'. I'm with Rammstein because his argument is logical and I believe him. But what if they're both right, and also both wrong? I guess there are no consequences, but I wish each party would tell everyone both sides, you know? So we don't have awkward situations where I'm screaming in my head why everything my friend said was wrong about their failed relationship because he's a douche and he's killing Rammstein and won't stop and lying and manipulating and it needs. to. stop.
I'm so stoked for the Rammstein show, though. Oh my god I could die I'm so excited. I'm breaking in my Doc Martens and we're gonna push our way to the very front of the pit! I'm thrilled! I'm dyyyyying to see Till live, especially that ******** me that man is gorgeous.
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Posted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 1:28 am
Hrmmmmm.
So, my crush has a girlfriend. That's okay. It's totally fine. No big deal. I shouldn't even be as upset as I am over it because he's wrong for me in all the important ways and it's just not right and shouldn't be and all that. But damn if that kid isn't fun to tease and attack when I'm over at their place...
It's his fault, really. Being so coy and sneak-attack touching me because he knows it bothers me. Fffff.
Whatever.
I have more important things to think about.
Exams are happening now.
It blows.
I need to teach myself Chem 102. I remember NOTHING.
I'm enjoying being nineteen and drinking alcoholic beverages whenever I please, but I feel like my mom doesn't consider me of age even now. And alcohol loses its appeal once it's legal, which is kind of upsetting. It's only really fun if it's taboo, you know?
I want to ******** meet somebody. Meet a guy and fall in love. I've never had that. We were at the sister's house the other day, just hanging out, and we got talking about kisses, and my friend's like, only kissed two people, and the sister was like, even I've kissed more people than you! but I couldn't get the courage to admit that I've kissed even fewer people than the both of them. Than anyone in the room. Which is sad.
I think I'm really pretty. I think I'm charming and don't have an awful personality. I'm a little awkward at first, but once I get to know you and am comfortable around you, I'm fine! I'm a little chubby, but so what?
God. I... I don't know. I'm so sick of being ******** alone. I want to be able to feel what it's like to be special to somebody, to be loved and treated like gold. I want to have somebody to bring to my mom's wedding. I'm tired of my mom and my grandma looking at me like I'm some kind of freak because I haven't ever been out on a date with anybody. I just... is it so wrong of me to want this? I deserve it, don't I?
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