Something to Occupy My Time

[Tsiklop]

This is a journal where I write down what I am thinking, when my thoughts are in danger of overflowing out of my mouth. You may comment on them if you wish, but these following entries are mainly for me. Hopefully I will be able to make some sense of them.

 

[Tsiklop]

I have recently become very... Apathetic.

Even now, I shudder to think of becoming such a thing. It is so bland, so uninteresting. But, I feel like my life lacks excitement, and I am subject to so much stress. I suppose that is why I continue to indulge in my little fantasies, even though I am nearly an adult.

But, oh! the lives I lead. Lives like you wouldn't imagine, fraught with strife, heartache, love, hate, depression, giddy joy... So many things I feel my life is lacking. So many feelings I wish I had. I even want the bad ones, the ones most people would rather live without. I do not merely want a life, I want a story. I want the ups and the downs. The highs and the lows. I want everything. How greedy of me.

Sometimes, I want to kill myself. Not out of depression, but out of an overwhelming need to know, to really know. I wonder what it is like, being dead. Is it an endless sleep from which one never wakes? Is it an eternal life in paradise or hell, depending on the choices one makes? Or are we born again, into new bodies, new lives? Is that what déjà vu is, then? The memories of our past lives flooding our minds, telling us, "you have done this before." And, if so, should we be comforted? Or scared?

Oh, how I wish I could know everything. All of the whos and the whats and the wheres and the hows and the whys. Especially the whys. Why do mirrors show us ourselves? Because the light bounces off of them and back to us. Why does the light do that? Because that is how it works. But why? Why why why? Why is the sky blue? Why do birds tweet instead of neigh? Why does grass grow in the dirt, and not in the clouds? Why are the clouds called "clouds", anyway? Who decides these things?

I realize that I cannot know everything. I know that my thoughts are the silly musings of an idle mind. How long will these things be true for me? Will my mind change in a matter of minutes? No, I know that is not so. Long have these thoughts been my companions in idleness. Something will get me thinking, and I will travel this road again. And for what purpose? I will never have the answers to most of my questions, and why should I? To know everything would be to border on the godlike, and that sort of power I know I could not bear.

 

[Tsiklop]

Honestly, I am a bit excited that I get a chance to rant about how horrible my life is. Such a chance rarely comes up, and I start to think that my lack of angst is an early symptom of some sort of insanity.

But, anyway, on with the ranting.

So, I have this problem with procrastinating. I usually wait until the last couple of weeks before a project is due to start working on. This doesn't drastically impact my grades. I maintain a steady A-B average in all of my classes. That's pretty darn good if I do say so myself. But, my parents have a tendency to, shall we say, overreact. I don't turn in ONE. LITTLE. THING. And all of a sudden, it's all yelling and accusations and "you're ******** up" and etc. Jesus Christ, it's only a homework grade. That also happens to be the first thing I HAVEN'T turned in ALL. FREAKING. YEAR. This is the end of the third quarter. I'd say that's a pretty good track record.

But then they go and act like I do this all the time! Like this happens on a day to day basis! Sure, I slacked off a bit in freshman year, but I am a sophomore now. I know how to keep it together, thank you very much. And I know my mom is just stressed out from dealing with my younger sister, who actually is failing classes as a result of slacking, and my step-dad is pissed off all the time now because of work and who knows what else. But seriously, to yell at me over one uncompleted assignment in ONE class?

Just yesterday morning, I was hurrying to make myself a cup of coffee before leaving for school, and I spilled it all over the place. I'm talking like a liter of coffee, maybe, all over the counter and floor. So of course, I go to the drawer where we keep the kitchen towels, and I grab some and start sopping it up; quickly, so I don't miss the buss. Then my step-dad comes home in the afternoon and goes off on me because I USED THE WRONG TOWELS! I was supposed to use the bar towels (which we had just bought), but instead I used the nice decorative towels (which have been hanging around for nigh on four years now). I'm sorry, I didn't know you were into such frivolities. And aren't you the one who is always so condescending to other people for being so concerned about their useless things? And then you go and talk down to me like I'm an idiot, or, even worse, like I deliberately used the wrong towels just to mess with you or something. And apparently it's the same thing as not doing your school work on time-cleaning up messes with the wrong towels, that is. Honestly, I thought the way he reacted was extremely childish.

But on a brighter note, I am having fun working on my projects for English. But of course, it's like my favorite class in the whole universe, and my teacher knows just how to make it interesting.