Feedback on a story?

[ecopper12]

I will have to finish this at one point, but for now I have this. Can I get some Feedback on it?

http://issuu.com/ecopper12/docs/rule_the_skies__an_air_force_story_copy

Oh, by the way, I am ecopper12. I joined this guild I while back, and I lurked mostly. Maybe now I will post more.

RATE MY SHITZ? (The Story is my shitz.)

 

[Halarbour]

nice key blade

introduction is conceited
the lines about flight have been done and just make you seem unoriginal
there is no real flow in your writing
individual sentences may be good but they don't connect to with each other

sorry if it sounds harsh, if i were saying it i would sound better

which i recon is another issue, you kinda have to say it when you read it like a voice over at the beginning of a movie, all ominous in parts and kinda geeky in others


i havn't read the rest of it because im tired so i dont know if this is true for all of it. but intro is important cause it can catch a person or lose a person