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My name is Jes (with only one ‘s’ because my mom is special that way)
I don’t… really know where or how to begin, I’d like to say ‘from the beginning,’ but I wasn’t really paying attention when I was born… (-nervousgiggle-) So perhaps… from the beginning where I remember it?
Start with the …background, I guess?
I moved to a new school right before my freshman year of high school, after 5 years of living in a small town and finally having friends, I had to move outside the town and to a new, smaller “village.” I didn’t know anybody. I didn’t know the school. I couldn’t even find my way around the freaking building, plus I was so nervous and scared that I kept forgetting my locker combination and having to run back to my last classroom to get my schedule to have the combo. Needless to say, my first day at that school SUCKED.
But then at lunch I just happened to sit down next to a group of three people who just happened to be discussing two of my most favorite things in the world: Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh!; so I couldn’t help but jump in on the conversation. Of course we all became friends pretty quickly after that day. One girl from the group was particularly friendly and way more outgoing than her boyfriend or other friend, so we quickly got to know each other, even though I was the shy type. This was Lans, and thank goodness I had some classes with her, and her locker was just three down from mine (strange how you remember those numbers so easily even years later).
We began hanging out after school and by the end of the school year we were inseparable; as close as any of my friends from my other school and I had ever been. We talked about, literally, everything. We couldn’t shut up when we were together, and we talked no matter what we were doing, even if it was two completely different things that were irrelevant and unconnected. Our conversations spanned hours into the nights almost every night.
Then one day she introduced me to role playing; something I had never heard of before, and I wasn’t so sure I was interested in trying it. But I did, I got into it and loved it… for about two years, then I just stopped because I was too busy with my other discovery, fanfictions. It was late freshman year or early sophomore year when I learned what ‘lemon’ fanfictions were, and I began reading them online as well as some of the ones that my friend printed out for me. It was also right around this time that I started watching ‘scary’ movies and R rated movies (Like I said, I was sheltered and totally in the dark on a lot of this stuff).
It wasn’t too far into sophomore year that the “game store” (or so we referred to it as) opened up in town. Now we stared going here regularly, just Lans and myself since we both loved to play videogames, and we met quite a few interesting people. I suppose it was right around this time where the ‘root’ of the problem started. Lans had been in a relationship with the smartest boy of the class since elementary school. (no joke here at all; he later graduated as #1, leaving everyone else in the dust) And one day she came to me for advice, saying she didn’t want to be with him if it was going to be pointless and she wasn’t ready for the ‘s’ word yet. I told her what I believed, that if she didn’t want to be with him or wanted to keep her options open to just let him know. So she did. And broke up with him. (which she still regrets to this day, but more on how that affects me later)
We continued to hang out, going to the game store and everything, and it was around this time that I came to find out that Lans was role playing smut (which was a new word for me) and that it was the yaoi kind (man/man). I didn’t know what to think of course, so she tried to slowly introduce me, after all, the ongoing joke was that she was slowly corrupting me. (she had no idea just how thoroughly) At this point I was still with my boyfriend David, who went to high school at my old town; so it was a long distance (of 15 miles) relationship. But we hung out on the weekends, and Lans would drive us around since I didn’t have my license and he didn’t have a car. One night stands out while I was still dating him, and it was the first time I kissed my best friend~ David and I were sitting in the back, kind of snuggling since it was chilly outside and he leaned down to kiss me; it lasted more than just a couple of seconds and we hear a noise from the front seat; sort of like a cough and a laugh. I remember smiling and pushing David back while looking at the front seat and my friend and her date for the evening, who happened to be David’s best friend. My exact words were, “What? Jealous?” And she laughed it off, just replying “Maybe.” So I leaned over the front seat and kissed her right on the mouth, which she didn’t protest to, so we kind of made a show if for the guys.
Now I could be mixing up the time line a little bit here, but it was after that when I started to realize that we were becoming closer physically. We had always slept in the same bed whenever either of us spent the night at the other’s house, but now were sleeping closer together. I remember waking up one morning with her arms around me, and I had no complaints what-so-ever. Even at the game store we were closer, she would stand closer to me than before and while at school we would even sit closer at lunch. It was during this time one of our friends came out as a lesbian and we discussed that a bit and how everyone had seen it coming. But then one night Lans started to text me about our friend, Rachel, and how she had been talking to her for the past couple of nights. Then she asked me if were a couple (all through text messages) and I was genuinely surprised and not at the same time. She mentioned how we were becoming closer and she asked me if I wanted to become a couple. I remember being scared and thrilled at the same time—but what if we broke up? Of course we would stay friends, we clarified that straight away.
So we started dating. There were random little things that changed about our interactions with each other in public and in private. At the game store, specifically, we were closer (though we never really held hands) and were almost constantly touching somehow, whether it was her hand on my back or we were standing close enough that we were touching. (so specific my memories are)
It was almost weird how much closer we got; then I offered to help her babysit her younger cousin one weekend, just because we had nothing better to do and no money to spend. This was the first night we “slept together” (and I use this phrase because I don’t know how else to describe it at all)
And Lans moved not too long after that. She had to move to a different school and a different town where I could only see her on the weekends and it was… terrible to say the least.
It was at this point in time where we encountered a slight problem; because of the distance, she had to always come up and see me or pick me up, since I still didn’t have my license (and wouldn’t get it until after my senior year of high school).
And one night I get a nervous call (or text, I really can’t remember which it was at this point); where she asked me if I would mind if she saw someone else. She didn’t want to break up with me, she wanted to stay with me, but she felt that she needed to ‘slack her lust’ and I agreed, so she began seeing a guy named Mike. I grew to hate Mike.
Mike had a p***s, and I did not. But I didn’t have to see Mike often, so there wasn’t much of a problem with interference until one specific evening. (again, so specific my memories are) He showed up unannounced while I was at her house and he started to mess with her. He knew about us being together and (I don’t know what exactly he was trying to accomplish with this) but he started getting really touchy-feely on both of us. I quickly let him know he was Lans’ boy friend and not mine, and that he wasn’t going to be touching me in any way at all or he was losing some fingers and possibly a whole hand.
Lans agreed and told him to stop. So while we were watching TV; we were all kind of leaning against each other, Lans on him and me on Lans when he started to mess with her again. He was being playful, and I was being a jealous b***h, (which I understand now, didn’t then) so I kind of freaked out and jumped off the couch. I actually left the house and paced in the back yard until Lans came out and tried to talk to me. It was then that she asked me if her being with Mike bothered me, and I told her yes, but that I didn’t mind if she stayed with him as long as I didn’t have to see him or mess with him at all. She agreed and he quickly left the house (I wasn’t going back inside until he was gone.)
They continued to date for a while and Lans tried not to talk about him too much while we were together, because she knew I didn’t like him much; but I wanted her to be happy and she didn’t want to upset me~ So we went on. (This was all junior year of high school now)
For senior year Lans moved back to our school and broke up with Mike (it just sort of happened) and this is where things got complicated. We ‘broke up’ for a period of time, because she believed that she had “relationship issues” and we started to see other people. I ended up going out with her cousin (like 2nd cousin) Josh and she started going out with one of his friends Caleb. I was okay with Caleb, (now I think it was because he wasn’t attractive looking) but Caleb didn’t last long. Then she was going out with Josh (Josh’s other friend) and I didn’t like Josh. (Josh was handsome) but Lans liked Josh a lot, and so we were find for a while, but we weren’t really separate. Nothing changed between Lans and I since we were broke up, except that we didn’t sleep together at all during that period of time, but it only lasted for about a month. Josh (hers) broke up with her sooner then that, because of an ex; and I broke up with Josh (mine) after a date where I ended up crying to Lans because I didn’t want to be with him (though he was awesome, I just couldn’t stand hurting him or lying to him like I was about loving him) and that I wanted to be with her. So we got back together (if you could call it that, I guess).
Now at some point I fell into a sort of depressed stage (I don’t know how else to refer it. I might have actually been depressed, but I don’t know because I never said anything and never spoke to a professional). This was towards the end of the summer following my senior year of high school, and Lans did notice. She spoke about splitting up because she didn’t think it was working, and this threw me into a frenzy because I did NOT want to break up with her. I tried to stop being so depressed, we did more things together and I felt like we were fine for a while. Then it came up again. She wanted to try dating someone else, but we had talked about it and I didn’t want to try that again because it had hurt too much before with Mike then watching her be with Caleb and Josh. So it was kind of swept under the carpet again.
Then a few months ago everything fell apart.
She had become friends with a co-worker’s girlfriend, and hit it off nicely. Then one night she texts me that she’s going to a party where drinking was involved (we’re both underage, mind) but she wasn’t sure if she was going to drink or not. I was freaked out because of the whole ‘underage’ thing and that I didn’t know any of the people she was going with; being a worry-wart, I was kind of freaking out but couldn’t tell her she couldn’t go. She didn’t understand why I was upset, and got upset right back at me. She went anyways and I asked her to text me when she was home so that I knew whether she was actually alright or not. She did, finally, at 4:30 in the morning. It wasn’t long after that I did meet the host of the party, her co-worker’s girlfriend Chaning (we’re actually great friends now). Now, before I had met Chaning Lans and I had had a discussion where I found out that she was actually with this guy named Aaron. And here I had thought that we were still together, just having some difficulties. Then she starts trying to talk to me about how he wants to take their relationship to the “next level” but she doesn’t think that she wants to, and she wants my advice and when I try to give it to her I find out that she’s already lost her “virginity” (this is complicated here, and her story not mine) some time past (to this day I still don’t know when exactly this happened).
At this point I’ve fallen even farther into depression (I know I can call it this here… it was kind of bad at this point and I’ll explain further) and for a small period of time I was thinking about ways to kill myself. I didn’t believe (and still don’t) that I was actually suicidal, because not only did I NEVER attempt to kill or harm myself, it just felt like I was making a back-up plan. Better to be prepared, so I always thought.
And Lans noticed and was upset because she thought I was suicidal because of how I was speaking and she was upset because I wasn’t perky or bubbly like I had been before, and she wanted her old Jes back; which I couldn’t fake or give her any more…
And I think this brings me to where I am today… So presently Lans and I are not together. We are not a couple. However, things about how we interact have remained the same. We are still friends, we still sleep together (now more-so than before, actually), and she is still with Aaron.
Now, I am not pointing fingers here~ I still love her. I still want to be with her. I hate seeing her with other men. (I’m a girl, by the way.)
And I believe that I am a lesbian (mostly because the thought of being with a guy makes me sick to my stomach and because I don’t like the look of the p***s itself) but I don’t really want to be with anyone besides Lans.
I don’t know if I’m actually looking for help or if I just need reassurance… but I just wanted to post. Sorry if I overdid it with the details. ^^””
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