first off: thank u very much for opening this and taking the time to read it and possibly help me, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside knowing there are people who want to help with others problems, including mine, so, thank you. and im sorry its so long... T.T 4laugh
Back Round: in 8th grade, i met this boy and fell for him, classic right? wrong, months went by playing the flirting game and he kept saying over and over hes ask me out and never did, always came up with an excuse, i thought he was just shy or afraid ect., so i let him take his time, then... he got a girlfriend, one of my best friends, turns out he had liked her for a long time, so, thinking it was fair, and i would wait and see, i didnt make a fuss, but he kept flirting and tempting me constantly when they were together, asking to be alone with me, and to be "creative", and like a weak, horrible friend i flirted back, mind u, we never did anything, only talked about it, hes always chicken out last moment (thank goodness!) and after 5 months, they broke up, i thought this meant we would be together, like he promised, but i was wrong, a couple weeks later he asked out another girl, one he had not known long, but the day before he did.. he stole my first kiss, saying he was going to ask me out the next day at school, infront of everyone, i pretended i didnt care, ignored him and cried at night, feeling like an idiot, a DAY later they broke up, and i...stupidly, played his game again, letting him win me over with sweet words and minty kisses, saying all the things ive dreamed of hearing, then summer break happend, we told everyone when we went into highschool, hes make me his, he told his friends and everything, so i belived him, i thought he finally realized just how much he means to me. i was wrong, we he came back he was...diffrent, he would push me into walls and his kisses would be rushed and rough, and infront of others, but he didnt call me his girl friend or anything like that, i was confused, but patient, then at the first highschool dance i was gonna make him ask me out, when i found him, he was kissing some other girl who was known to dress.. "loosely" sweet and slow like when he first kissed me, once again i acted numb and not caring and smiled when he said how sorry he was and that he loved her and met her over break... i just said "just like u "loved" me" and walked off, there still going out. but this time i dont play the flirting game, 3 strikes, ur out right?
NOW: i got a boy friend, he was a senior and very "mr.perfect" kinda guy, would want me to open up to him, stood up for me and my "rep.", and wouldnt force me to do anything and all that good stuff, but i just could never connect with him, it felt like holding a doll, but i tried so hard to make it work, to prove i was over the other guy, 3 months, i gave up, he needed someone who could love him, were still friends. now there are so many guys who are asking me out, holding me and saying such sweet words, but i just cant get butterflies, i cant honestly let them in, i want to so bad, i even got an old HUGE crush to kiss me today, and it want bad, i liked it, but no fuzzies, no mush, just not the same as the first guy... and he wants me to be his girl,(i cant just kiss and run i guess) and i just dont know, i dont want to hold him back from maybe getting a more connect-able girl, but i dont know if this feeling is perment, in wich case ill take what i can get i guess, and thats not all, my closest guy friend...im only close friend... im losing him, hes become a rude, perverted, teenager, wich i could handal if there was still some chunk of him left, but... u see.. i stole his first kiss in "truth or dare" during a party in the summer, i didnt know it was his first kiss, or that he believed he was in love with me, and not knowing what to do with his feelings, i tried to play along, give him hope, wrong move, i became like the boy that tore my heart out, and i regret that, cause i think i could maybe get the "fuzzies" from him, i used to get them from him before the first guy was done with me.but hes trying to move on, less and les playing the little flirting game we would always play, and becoming more and more numb to any emotions to do with me. and i dont know how to handal it. and while all thats going on theres this guy, (N.) whos about to graduate, hes my friends brother and...absolutely amazing, i want him, i love his voice, his touch, just looking at me makes me wanna grab him and kiss him, but part of me thinks thats just because i cant have him, its practily impossible, i only see him during choir events, and hes 18 (me=15) and is a flirt/player that never fallows through, so pretty much, he reminds me of the first guy, wich is a big problem because i dont want to ever go down that path again, but all i really want.... is to get the butterflies back, for kisses to feel special, for me to feel special, just to blush when a boy holds my hand at least.... but.... i cant... even though its been almost a year now... and im so terrifed all never get that feeling back....
please, any advice, comments, suggestions, opinions, anything, would really be loved, im honestly feeling hopeless now and i dont wanna hurt anyone again, im willing to get my heart broken again, if i can finally have, really have, someone that makes my heart flutter, even for a short while, please..... help?
at this point... im willing to try anything....
Back Round: in 8th grade, i met this boy and fell for him, classic right? wrong, months went by playing the flirting game and he kept saying over and over hes ask me out and never did, always came up with an excuse, i thought he was just shy or afraid ect., so i let him take his time, then... he got a girlfriend, one of my best friends, turns out he had liked her for a long time, so, thinking it was fair, and i would wait and see, i didnt make a fuss, but he kept flirting and tempting me constantly when they were together, asking to be alone with me, and to be "creative", and like a weak, horrible friend i flirted back, mind u, we never did anything, only talked about it, hes always chicken out last moment (thank goodness!) and after 5 months, they broke up, i thought this meant we would be together, like he promised, but i was wrong, a couple weeks later he asked out another girl, one he had not known long, but the day before he did.. he stole my first kiss, saying he was going to ask me out the next day at school, infront of everyone, i pretended i didnt care, ignored him and cried at night, feeling like an idiot, a DAY later they broke up, and i...stupidly, played his game again, letting him win me over with sweet words and minty kisses, saying all the things ive dreamed of hearing, then summer break happend, we told everyone when we went into highschool, hes make me his, he told his friends and everything, so i belived him, i thought he finally realized just how much he means to me. i was wrong, we he came back he was...diffrent, he would push me into walls and his kisses would be rushed and rough, and infront of others, but he didnt call me his girl friend or anything like that, i was confused, but patient, then at the first highschool dance i was gonna make him ask me out, when i found him, he was kissing some other girl who was known to dress.. "loosely" sweet and slow like when he first kissed me, once again i acted numb and not caring and smiled when he said how sorry he was and that he loved her and met her over break... i just said "just like u "loved" me" and walked off, there still going out. but this time i dont play the flirting game, 3 strikes, ur out right?
NOW: i got a boy friend, he was a senior and very "mr.perfect" kinda guy, would want me to open up to him, stood up for me and my "rep.", and wouldnt force me to do anything and all that good stuff, but i just could never connect with him, it felt like holding a doll, but i tried so hard to make it work, to prove i was over the other guy, 3 months, i gave up, he needed someone who could love him, were still friends. now there are so many guys who are asking me out, holding me and saying such sweet words, but i just cant get butterflies, i cant honestly let them in, i want to so bad, i even got an old HUGE crush to kiss me today, and it want bad, i liked it, but no fuzzies, no mush, just not the same as the first guy... and he wants me to be his girl,(i cant just kiss and run i guess) and i just dont know, i dont want to hold him back from maybe getting a more connect-able girl, but i dont know if this feeling is perment, in wich case ill take what i can get i guess, and thats not all, my closest guy friend...im only close friend... im losing him, hes become a rude, perverted, teenager, wich i could handal if there was still some chunk of him left, but... u see.. i stole his first kiss in "truth or dare" during a party in the summer, i didnt know it was his first kiss, or that he believed he was in love with me, and not knowing what to do with his feelings, i tried to play along, give him hope, wrong move, i became like the boy that tore my heart out, and i regret that, cause i think i could maybe get the "fuzzies" from him, i used to get them from him before the first guy was done with me.but hes trying to move on, less and les playing the little flirting game we would always play, and becoming more and more numb to any emotions to do with me. and i dont know how to handal it. and while all thats going on theres this guy, (N.) whos about to graduate, hes my friends brother and...absolutely amazing, i want him, i love his voice, his touch, just looking at me makes me wanna grab him and kiss him, but part of me thinks thats just because i cant have him, its practily impossible, i only see him during choir events, and hes 18 (me=15) and is a flirt/player that never fallows through, so pretty much, he reminds me of the first guy, wich is a big problem because i dont want to ever go down that path again, but all i really want.... is to get the butterflies back, for kisses to feel special, for me to feel special, just to blush when a boy holds my hand at least.... but.... i cant... even though its been almost a year now... and im so terrifed all never get that feeling back....
please, any advice, comments, suggestions, opinions, anything, would really be loved, im honestly feeling hopeless now and i dont wanna hurt anyone again, im willing to get my heart broken again, if i can finally have, really have, someone that makes my heart flutter, even for a short while, please..... help?
at this point... im willing to try anything....
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OH! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING ALL THAT!!! IT MEANS ALOT TO ME!
