Fields of Red

[ecopper12]

I am writing a modern day war story with a buddy of mine, and since it's still under wraps right now, I have an summary I would like critiqued. I wrote this without my friends help, and I like it a lot.

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Imagine, if you will, a field painted red. What would cause such an anomaly? Listen, dear friend, and you shall hear a tale. A tale of two brave men whose ventures earned them their rightful place in the Pantheon of Heroes. A field painted red, barren, broken, and desolate. No life is contained within this area. Why? All life has been drained. A field painted red, crimson, blood. It is tragic to imagine, but it must be done. A field painted red, death, despair, and catastrophe. The wounded hearts of many cannot compare to the sadness felt at the scene here. A field painted red, bodies, corpses, people. Faceless and nameless to only those who didn’t know them, yet larger than life to the ones who did. A field painted red, loss, strife, the end of life. Yet, for just one moment, imagine one more thing. Two men, rising like a phoenix from its ashes, to help it all end. Impossible, you say? Anything, my dear friend, is possible.
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There it is. Any thoughts? Comments?

I liked it, other people liked it...What do you think?  

[Den Dristige Djevelen]

~*~

So many dependent clauses trying to be independent. -cries-

But sure, go for it.

~*~

 

[ecopper12]

Den Dristige Djevelen

~*~

So many dependent clauses trying to be independent. -cries-

But sure, go for it.

~*~

I don't even know what the means...xD

I should seeing as I am going into Honor's English...  

[AquilaLiberum]

ecopper12

Den Dristige Djevelen

~*~

So many dependent clauses trying to be independent. -cries-

But sure, go for it.

~*~

I don't even know what the means...xD

I should seeing as I am going into Honor's English...

Aren't you like, under 16?
I'm sorry, Honours means a completley different thing over here xd

~Nya-ha!~
blaugh

 

[Den Dristige Djevelen]

Aquila15

ecopper12

Den Dristige Djevelen

~*~

So many dependent clauses trying to be independent. -cries-

But sure, go for it.

~*~

I don't even know what the means...xD

I should seeing as I am going into Honor's English...

Aren't you like, under 16?
I'm sorry, Honours means a completley different thing over here xd

~Nya-ha!~
blaugh

~*~

Honor's is just a higher placement in classes. It's for the kids who are slightly smarter, and would thus be a little more bored in the standard classes. My brother's in all Honor's classes as a balance for his choosing public school. xD

And yes, ecopper12, you should know what it means.

~*~

 

[PainfullyVivid]

Eh.
Writing as if you are a character talking to the reader in a summary is really gimmicky and detracts from it. This sounds more like it belongs in a movie rather than a book. Though I've noticed all of your prologues are like that as well.
Summaries are supposed to talk about the overall start of the plot and provide enough mystery or suspense that the reader wants to read the story.
I really have little to no idea what your story is about. It gets lost in you continuing and continuing and continuing to describe this red field that until just a second ago (after reading the summary like 4 times), I just realized is suppose to be pantheon of Heroes... Maybe? Either way, you don't need to describe it so much. Pick the important stuff to the overall plot and combine some sentences.

You don't need all that extra s**t (AKA "Imagine, if you will, a field painted red. What would cause such an anomaly? Listen, dear friend, and you shall hear a tale.", "Why?", "It is tragic to imagine, but it must be done.", "Yet, for just one moment, imagine one more thing.", "Impossible, you say?", and "my dear friend"). It's not needed. It doesn't add any intrigue.
I think with a summary every sentence should have a purpose in the overall tone because a summary is so small but makes all the difference when trying to get readers. If a summary takes too long to get to the point or isn't written well enough, I just skip the story all together because to me, it's indicative of the writing inside.


Grammatically, there are some sentence fragments: the fourth, fifth, ninth, eleventh, thirteenth, fourteenth, and fifteenth sentences.  

[Renard Muldrake]

Den Dristige Djevelen

Aquila15

ecopper12

Den Dristige Djevelen

~*~

So many dependent clauses trying to be independent. -cries-

But sure, go for it.

~*~

I don't even know what the means...xD

I should seeing as I am going into Honor's English...

Aren't you like, under 16?
I'm sorry, Honours means a completley different thing over here xd

~Nya-ha!~
blaugh

~*~

Honor's is just a higher placement in classes. It's for the kids who are slightly smarter, and would thus be a little more bored in the standard classes. My brother's in all Honor's classes as a balance for his choosing public school. xD

And yes, ecopper12, you should know what it means.

~*~

We never called anything honor's here. There were only AP, & Pre-AP.
OH, & GT. God I miss GT. Never did anything just skipped out on class, made movies, did debate, & played some game that never did get named.


Man, Coppy. Ya write like someone who just realized what a thesaurus is for. You seriously need to tone down all the fancy talk. It's like saying tome, instead of book. Makes you look like a jackass.
For quick reference, we'll use the old grade school, alligator eats the better choice trick.
anomalyventuresthis entire section, "broken, and desolate. No life is contained within this area. Why? All life has been drained."
You repeat yourself a lot too, & I don't mean the "field painted red" bit, that was obviously a conscious choice (debatable whether it was a good one), but "red, crimson," & "bodies, corpses," just doesn't work.

And like Pain said, you sorta lose your point. By the end of that I wasn't sure if I was reading a war story, or you describing the aftermath of a bomb in a Home Depot. Yes, title drops can be fun, but not every other sentence. And, the bit about the field shouldn't be more than a sentence or two, you're writing about two guys, not war's effect on regional ecology. Focus on the guys, not the grass.

Oh, & to me, nothing points out a poor writer like someone who breaks suspension of disbelief for the sake of reminding you he wrote a story. Just saying.  

[comfylove]

In my opinion, the most important thing to comment on isn't your grammar issues, or the repetition. Those are easy fixes (well, depending on the person). I think your biggest issue is that your summary just is not an effective one. You have so much extra stuff that I think you lost your summary inside of it. I'd advise trimming out all that canker.

I would go to a library and grab a ton of different books from all different genres, read the backs of the books, and glean all you can on elements of a good summary. You don't have to write a lot. I've seen really effective one-line summaries that just about make me keel over and die -- they were that excellent.