..in letter form. I hope this belongs in the right section. I'm just a mess and I haven't slept at all. And yes, when I talk, this is actually how I normally talk in real life too.
Dear T,
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
-- The Reason, Hoobastank.
And that's why you never face to deal with me again. I want to kill myself. The pain's has grown to become unbearable and the guilt eats away at me every waking moment. The things that I've done to you have been haunting me in my dreams. In my dreams, my dreams.. are different from my perfect world. In my perfect world, I'm in control and everybody kneels at my feet, begging for mercy. I am the reaper with the scythe and they are the maggots which I crush beneath my heels. I am the God and they are my followers. Everything is in my hands... And you're not in that world.. because it's a world where everyone suffers. Everyone around me dies.
But you and K are still alive. We're the last three people on Earth.. But i don't count because I am the bringer of death and you two.. are untouchable.. intangible. I can do nothing but watch.. and wish that i could kill myself, but if you're the reaper, then how do you die?
In my dreams, you come to me and we're somewhere lying next to each other in a beautiful meadow. A vast, endless sky, a sea of twinkling stars glitter above us and I'm staring into your eyes, my hand in yours. A cool, summer breeze combs through my hair. I snap out of my reverie and realize that it isn't the wind, but your fingers running through my soft, silky, dark mane. I can't help but smile as you whisper to me how much you love me and how we're going to be this way forever.. ^___^ The stars above us aren't the most beautiful things here. Our love.. you.. you were the most beautiful creation there. With my wedding ring fingered hand, I pull you close to me, my tears streaking across my cheek in big fat droplets, moistening the grass below us. You hold me close to you as I bury my face in your chest, weeping. And you tell me that as long as my heart and my soul are as stunning as the stars in the sky, you'd love me forever and you'd never let me go, no matter what happens.. and then.. you kiss away my tears..
And I wake up, searching desperately for you, only to find myself either alone with an empty pillow beside me, or someone I wish was you. That is when I return to my idealistic world where you're happier with someone better. And I proceed to plummet on a rapid downward spiral, the wingless angel of sin.
Farewell, my love.
Forever yours,
Jennifer M.
It's A Girl Thing! ♥
A Family, A Home.
