Surviving Soldier (Please Read!)

[ecopper12]

I decided to work on another project while I figure out what to do with Dante's Reprise (Another project of mine) and Continuity (Yet another project). This one is called Surviving Soldier, and deals with the story of the last soldier and his platoon. The introductory journal entry sums it up pretty well, and I have a few lines of chapter one done. Any feedback is appreciated.

Surviving Soldier

By Erik Copper

September 16, 2116

My name is Derek Atlas. I am writing this because I do not have much time left. You see, I am dying. Of what I am still unsure, but I have an idea. About sixteen years ago, a virus broke out. It was a deadly strain of bacteria that rendered the immune system useless. The strain was scientifically classified as S4-C1, but regular people knew it as Dead Man's Flu. That's how it looked from the start. You had the symptoms of the flu. It started with something as simple as a runny nose. Then, as it got stronger and more prominent you had violent coughs and sneezes. As time went on, instead of getting better, you got even worse. It kept killing your body's defenses until you had none left. Then you died.

It was horrible to say the least, and it killed millions of people before the government decided to take action. By then, many people had the opinion of “too little, too late” and began to riot. Through the chaos, the government worked as hard as they possibly could to calm the crowd while still searching for the source.

A few years went by, and no headway was made. It was late August by the time we finally located the source. It was a virus developed by a terrorist group known simply as “Oni.” They had created it to weaken our military defenses, and it worked. Our military was successfully wiped out, except for a few tactical men who had brains instead of brawn.

My platoon – dubbed “Einstein's Army” – had fought our way through the men of Oni and made it to the leader. We had made it this far, and we weren't about to turn back now. That is, until we saw what we were up against.

We fought him and his few remaining men all while trying to survive the gaseous version of the virus flowing in through the vents. He fought us knowing he would die too.

Eventually, we won. I made for the exit, and when I stepped out alone, I knew that it was over. The fight has cost my platoon their lives, and me my sanity.

The fight was over, but my freedom was still up for debate. I am the last surviving soldier, and this is my story.

Chapter 1

“Alright men, let's move out! We're Oscar Mike,” bellowed the Captain. All the soldiers that were scattered about the immediate area began to file back into the jeeps of the convoy.  

[Yaoinaut]

It seems somewhat monotone to me. I get this soldier is a brainy guy, but he sums up without any real feelings, like true anger.  

[PainfullyVivid]

In writing, you want to avoid cliches, or if you use them, write them with a twist or in a refreshing way. The plot point of an innocent-looking disease killing the whole world (or a country or whatever) is overused.

Logistically, I think almost all of the population would be dead within a few years if the virus wasn't contained, but you might want to see if there is any research for how fast disease spread. Also, I don't see "Oni" stopping and not releasing as much of the virus in several areas if he wants to kill the US (which would seem to be a better goal (Or at least a nice bonus if possible) if you have such a deadly virus in your hands rather than "weakening" us since it gives us time to make a cure or quarantine people to contain it). It would be a lot less effort to just kill everyone with the virus instead of weakening the US and then fighting them in a war. The more time you take after your main attack, the more opportunities there are for those people to plan and rise up to at least injure you if not kill.

Also, if there was an airborne disease, I'm thinking the army would make the soldiers wear gas masks or whatever devices they have to keep out that kind of stuff. They wouldn't just let them run in with nothing.

So, did the soldiers die from the virus (since them dying that soon would be way too fast) or gun shots? That's very ambiguous.

The journal entry hurts your story. You detail most of what seem like your main plot points, so unless the journey to the end is powerful on it's own (through narrative or plot), writing the rest of the story is pointless. I don't need a retelling of what you already told me the ending was. I think it would be a more interesting start to begin the story in the middle of that final mission. That way, you start off with action and interest your reader rather than begin another story with a lukewarm journal entry that, like yaoinut said, contains no real anger or resentment or insanity conveyed through how it is written. I don't connect with the solider, and thus I don't care that he is dying. At this point, it seems like you are using journal entries and beginning monologues as a crutch rather than a well-thought out method to begin your story with. Experiment with different types of beginnings instead of using the same two.

And why is he unsure of what he is dying of if he later states that he was gassed by the disease? To me, it seems pretty damn simple.

A method my teacher mentioned the other day to get a strong voice (which I'm thinking a soldier would have) is to pretty much cuss as much as possible in every sentence when they are narrating/talking and then go back and take it out or substitute it with other words. I haven't personally tried it, but the idea seems pretty solid to me.

You also have a few misplaced commas. I only really saw two, I think, but I wasn't really actively looking.

Edit:
Also, just thinking about it, do you really need chapters in this one? This really seems more like a short story plot than a full blown one if you start with the fight. You really don't need chapters then. It's more of a distraction.