I've finally cracked.

[ll ChemicalCollision ll]

I've been fighting this for so long
but I'm finally falling apart....
[9:00:37 PM] Mama Bear: yes I'm fine
[9:00:45 PM] Mama Bear: I've just been completely psychotic all week
[9:00:50 PM] Mama Bear: and I'm edgy
[9:01:29 PM] Mama Bear: you should go eat
[9:01:55 PM] Steffani Crawford: mmmm I'm lazy
[9:01:59 PM] Steffani Crawford: >.<
[9:03:41 PM] Steffani Crawford: annnddd whyyy have you been psychotic all week?
[9:03:50 PM] Mama Bear: one my period
[9:03:55 PM] Mama Bear: two as I've said
[9:04:02 PM] Mama Bear: I'm clinically depressed
[9:04:04 PM] Mama Bear: unmedicated
[9:04:08 PM] Mama Bear: and have no counselling
[9:04:12 PM] Mama Bear: I'm not in school
[9:04:22 PM] Mama Bear: and people keep ******** POKING at me about everything
[9:04:31 PM] Mama Bear: and it's making me anxious
[9:04:35 PM] Mama Bear: and stressed out
[9:04:47 PM] Mama Bear: so I'm kind of going completely ******** psychotic
[9:05:11 PM] Steffani Crawford: ooo just like me. For the last year and a half... Damn it's been awhile... I miss Kim...
[9:05:25 PM] Mama Bear: I freaked out over my grandmother telling me to clean my room in a rather
[9:05:31 PM] Mama Bear: threatening obnocious way
[9:05:41 PM] Mama Bear: but it was enough i stopped breathing slightly
[9:05:44 PM] Mama Bear: and started to cry
[9:05:46 PM] Mama Bear: and was shaking
[9:06:10 PM] Mama Bear: and had a moment where I seriously contemplated going out into the kitchen and slitting my throat and or wrists in front of her
[9:06:30 PM] Mama Bear: and see if my blood on her nice clean kitchen floor made her feel any better about my bedroom
-skipped an argument about the situation-
[9:20:54 PM] Steffani Crawford: >.> course I'm just a smart a**... and your granmosther pisses me off doing that s**t to you...
[9:21:12 PM] Mama Bear: Yeah well it's better than most of the other places I've lived
[9:21:18 PM] Mama Bear: and she normally is pretty nice to me
[9:21:18 PM] Steffani Crawford: and you wouldn't have to by all the food at once...
[9:21:38 PM] Mama Bear: it was just yesterday that she did that
[9:21:40 PM] Steffani Crawford: yeah, but since your granparents have moved in I've noticed something
[9:21:47 PM] Mama Bear: and she did it because she knew I'd clean my room
[9:21:51 PM] Steffani Crawford: You have become increasingly suicidal
[9:21:55 PM] Mama Bear: Steff
[9:21:59 PM] Mama Bear: I'm more vocal about it
[9:22:06 PM] Mama Bear: I've been suicidal since I was 13
[9:22:16 PM] Mama Bear: this is nothing new
[9:22:19 PM] Steffani Crawford: yeah, well, you should stop thinking like that
[9:22:21 PM] Mama Bear: I've felt like this for years
[9:22:30 PM] Steffani Crawford: cause Your death would bring nothing of value
[9:22:38 PM] Steffani Crawford: it would be pointless and I would cry
[9:23:01 PM] Steffani Crawford: and then I would think of jumping off a roof or something... and not to die
[9:23:11 PM] Steffani Crawford: but to maim myself cause I couldn't save you
[9:23:26 PM] Mama Bear: I'm not you responsibility you know
[9:23:33 PM] Steffani Crawford: no you're not
[9:23:37 PM] Mama Bear: *your
[9:23:42 PM] Steffani Crawford: but you're one of my BEST friends
[9:24:06 PM] Mama Bear: have you ever considered some people might not be saveable?
[9:24:12 PM] Mama Bear: I mean what if I never get better
[9:24:21 PM] Mama Bear: I can only keep going on sheer willpower for so long
[9:26:31 PM] Steffani Crawford: I've gon on sheer will power alone for a long time now. I have no boyfirend, The only friend I ever see is Molly. My foster family doesn't understand me, my biological family sucks, and I have no love life. You, have pretty much the same situation - years of therapy, however, you have Zach, right? What would he do if you killed yourself? How would he feel...?
[9:26:55 PM] Steffani Crawford: Then there's me? How do you think I'd feel?
[9:27:48 PM] Steffani Crawford: How do you think everyone would feel? Cause I can garuntee you no one will be fancing the mariachi around a sombrero filled with flowers tossing confetti
[9:27:54 PM] Steffani Crawford: I promise you that.
[9:28:34 PM] Steffani Crawford: Besides, Suicide is the cowards way out. You're not a coward, you're a strong, beatiful intelligent, and amazing person
[9:28:54 PM] Steffani Crawford: You can give the world so much, you don't see it, but you don't have to
[9:28:57 PM] Steffani Crawford: cause I do
[9:29:18 PM] Steffani Crawford: and I could porbably sak all your friends, and they would say the same
[9:29:54 PM] Steffani Crawford: You're awesome and we love you, and you shouldn't feel like you need to die to make people happy
[9:30:02 PM] Steffani Crawford: cause it will make no one happy
[9:30:20 PM] Mama Bear: I don't think it'll make anyone happy...I kinda stopped thinking that a while ago
[9:30:21 PM] Steffani Crawford: *ask
[9:30:29 PM] Mama Bear: it's more become a....how do I make this stop
[9:30:39 PM] Mama Bear: this never ending god forsaken black hole
[9:30:56 PM] Mama Bear: of bullshit and hurt that I am constantly living in
[9:31:00 PM] Mama Bear: they lied
[9:31:07 PM] Mama Bear: there is no light at the end of the tunnel
[9:31:10 PM] Mama Bear: there just isn't
[9:31:23 PM] Mama Bear: what the hell did I do to deserve twenty years of bullshit and heart ache
[9:31:31 PM] Mama Bear: who the ******** did I piss off?
[9:31:32 PM] Steffani Crawford: What makes you thik that there is no light baby>
[9:31:34 PM] Steffani Crawford: *?
[9:31:51 PM] Mama Bear: because this never gets any ******** better
[9:31:53 PM] Mama Bear: EVER
[9:31:57 PM] Mama Bear: no matter how hard I try
[9:32:08 PM] Mama Bear: I can't keep picking myself up off the ground anymore
[9:32:14 PM] Mama Bear: I don't have the energy
[9:32:17 PM] Mama Bear: I'm tired Steff
[9:32:24 PM] Mama Bear: Exhausted
[9:32:27 PM] Mama Bear: mentally and emotionally
[9:32:31 PM] Mama Bear: and physically
[9:33:28 PM] Steffani Crawford: what have you been fighting? Is it yourself? Your family? The world? What were you fighting for, that is making you so tired...?
[9:33:42 PM] Mama Bear: I don't know anymore...
[9:33:48 PM] Mama Bear: It seems like everything sometimes  

[Jedi Master Acey]

]: I look up to you Jess. You're one of the only people on the planet I care for. You are one of the people stopping me from ever feeling like that. Please don't be so edgy. And please do not hurt yourself x__x; We NEED you. I don't expect anything from you except for to be strong and love me and the guildies.
and I'm so glad you can share this with us, cause we love you D; like so freaking much! There's not much more I can say to you, but I hope you really feel a LOT better soon, cause you don't deserve to feel that way. Nobody does.

*looooves on Jess*  

[Simply Berry]

...... I love you, Jess :[
All I can say is you have to keep going, even though you're so tired and drained emotionally and mentally from it all.. you'll eventually reach that light
And you don't have to do it alone D: You have us to carry you some of the way if we need to.. I know it sucks that we all live so far away from one another sometimes :[  

[ll ChemicalCollision ll]

I love you guys and I didn't see this until today but it still made me smile
Thanks.
<3

I'm doing my best to get through this I really am.
I'm going to be okay.
No matter what it takes.
I've gotten this far after all.