Too insensitive?

[PainfullyVivid]

First, background - there's a very, very short version of this after it if you don't want to read all this. xD I understand.

One of my roommates, Nutcracker (it's what I call her to Szen, so I'll just use it here), has had an on and off boyfriend since I met her. They honestly suck together. He's a giant douche. She's insecure and clingy. They fight all the time. He says s**t about her and to her. He would never drive to see her and expect her to drive back to her hometown to see him instead. He's lied to her many, many times and just generally been an a*****e by breaking up with her though FB and potentially cheating on her. She's cheated on him (though depending on the day depends on whether she calls what she did cheating). They broke up before the summer after a giant amount of drama and her sobbing all the time. They continued to go back and forth between together, "it's complicated," and single for the first two months of summer. She finally broke up with him completely and got interested in another guy.

She comes back. She decides other guy doesn't like her. She CONSTANTLY mentions J even when the conversation has nothing to do with anything dealing with J. Someone says someone did something to them (cut them off on the freeway, told them they were an a*****e, anything) and she would inform everyone that "J did this to me." and "It's not as bad as this one time when J did something very, very mean."

She had mood swings like a pregnant woman. She would pop in my room sobbing about how she loooooved him. Then would rant about how she hated him the next day. She constantly kept up-to-date on his latest anything, mentioning his new girlfriend and how they already slept together. One day, he calls her and tells her he is suicidal and how bad he screwed up with her and how much he loved her and how he would chaaaange for her. She decided to go on a date with him. They apparently make out all day and the next day, he was disinterested. She asks why he would make out with her if he didn't want to get back with her, and he tells her because she let him make out with her. Why would he pass that up?

Que more sobbing and need for attention and saying how Pandora playing romance songs means they should get back together and blah, blah, blah. But they stayed broken up, so my roommate and I had hope she would get over him, so we wouldn't have to jump off the library roof after being driven slowly insane by Nutcracker.

TLDR: One of my roommates and her on-and-off-again boyfriend are, obviously, horrible for each other and constantly ******** with each other. My second roommate and I have to deal with her mood swings, sobbing, constantly talk of J, and having to hear about his new lie to her about some douche-y behavior she heard about. We thought maybe this last breaking up would be the last.

And so, this all leads up to this point when I find out that she got back together with him during Christmas break after she very poorly tried to hide it on Facebook.

So, how insensitive would it be, as a mostly-friend and roommate, to tell her that when J ******** her over, pisses her off, breaks up with her, makes out with other girls and then lies telling her it never happened, and fights with her that she shouldn't complain to me about it because I can no longer offer her an ounce of sympathy? At this point, she should understand he isn't going to change and the result of their relationship is pretty damn clear, so she is partly at fault for allowing this guy to hurt her and taking him back despite knowing the result. I'm so tired of her sobbing about crap and mentioning J and needing attention constantly and asking for advice, and all she does in response is create a situation that will cause so much more of that. At this point, my give-a-s**t is broken. While I want to be a good friend, be understanding to her situation, and try to help her get over him (because he was the first and only guy she had actual sex with), I also like my sanity. This whole 7+ months of sobbing and drama makes me want to scream.

If this is understandably insensitive or even moderately insensitive, I can totally live with that. xD

Unless someone can think of another solution other than moving out, which is too late to do now for another semester. DX  

[wo_nyrmo]

My insensitive meter says zero.

If your gonna deal with someone who constantly belittles you, lies to you, and cheats on you and you constantly go back to them then you desever every bit of torcher you put yourself threw for being so hard headed to think that they will actually change when it is very obvious they will never change and they will always be the a*****e that they are.


Nao if she even mentions his name or w/e when talking and the convo has nooooooootttttttttthhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnng to do with him you and whoever else is there should just totally get up and walk away and go into a room where you guys can lock the door and get away from her. As cruel as this might seen it is far better then the constant being annoyed by her ranting and raving about a beating a dead horse situation.

Um.. hm,.. make a simple to carry card on you that read STFU and stop talking about J. Then the other side could say, something like Get over him and move on. Ya know something small enough to carry but big enough to read so everytime she says something you can be all like "Here's your sign!"  

[PainfullyVivid]

Okay. Good. I didn't want my annoyance at the entire thing to make me unnecessarily into a b***h. xD

And I might have to bring those ideas up to the other roommate. Most likely they will be mostly needed only when she breaks up with him again, but this will help. I'm also going to try to tell her that I just don't want to hear about him at all, but I'm not sure how much she'll listen to that request.  

[Nexus Carbuncle]

You think you're being insensitive for wanting to tell her how stupid she's been? Nuh uh. Honestly, you're a much better friend if you do tell her. You're a much better friend if you tell her that this guy, who, from what I can gather, is a tremendous d**k, is just not the one, plain and simple. It's not insensitive if it's being honest.

The fact that she feels she needs him, and needs to bring him up all the damn time, tells me that not only does she want his affections, but she wants everyone else's when she ends up hurt again. Really, you don't need to hear about it, when you didn't ask or even mention it; that's why it's HER problem. And her problem seems to be that she places way too much stake in this sleaze.

Tell her she needs to not be with this guy, and she needs to move on, and if she doesn't really, then, to shut the hell up and stop whining to you, that it isn't working. You already know that.

 

[Lychee Fruit]

They're not kidding when they say love is a drug, man. It has the same effects on the human brain as being addicted to crack. Srsly, National Geographic did a whole thing on it. Long story short, these two are addicts, and they're going to have to ride that out for the next two years or so, until their brains shut off the "need" for each other. Now, that's fine for them, but it sucks for you.

So what you and your sane roommate need to do is set some ground rules. Like, "He can't come into this building if you've gotten into a fight within seven days," and "If you two get into a fight in this building, we'll call the police and report a domestic disturbance." This will, unfortunately, make her all the more determined to BE WITH HIMZ OMG THE LOVE IS SO ULTIMATE. And that's hopefully when she'll move in with the douchebag and one or both of them will finally realize they're terrible for each other.  

[Violette PureHeart]

Lychee Fruit

They're not kidding when they say love is a drug, man. It has the same effects on the human brain as being addicted to crack. Srsly, National Geographic did a whole thing on it. Long story short, these two are addicts, and they're going to have to ride that out for the next two years or so, until their brains shut off the "need" for each other. Now, that's fine for them, but it sucks for you.

So what you and your sane roommate need to do is set some ground rules. Like, "He can't come into this building if you've gotten into a fight within seven days," and "If you two get into a fight in this building, we'll call the police and report a domestic disturbance." This will, unfortunately, make her all the more determined to BE WITH HIMZ OMG THE LOVE IS SO ULTIMATE. And that's hopefully when she'll move in with the douchebag and one or both of them will finally realize they're terrible for each other.

<---- This.

Also......Kesha won't leave me alone. BECAUSE YOUR LOVE, YOUR LOVE, YOUR LOVE......-_-;  

[PainfullyVivid]

@Nexus
I generally try to tell her the truth, but in a slightly nice, sympathetic to her sobbing way. Now there is no sympathy left in me, so I guess she's going to be getting fun, blunt advice for now on.

We were kind of hoping the fact that she constantly mentioned him was a phase of her getting over him. xD I know I've read that some girls constantly think about their ex and talk about them for a bit after and then realize how annoying they were afterward. Apparently, that is not the case with her.

And we've told her soooo many times not to get back with him, that they are never happy together, that he's a douche, etc, so at this point, I think everything we say is ignored by her deep longing for him and someone to be with.

@Lychee
Now if only they had rehab for this s**t. Stage an intervention.
But I guess I just need to last until May, and after that, ignoring the situation will be tons easier since she is living with this other girl in the summer and after.

Thankfully Nutcracker's hometown where he lives is like three hours away, and there's almost no way that he is going to drive to see her when she could just drive to him. Though we'll probably make the first rule juuust in case.
And I fear the moving in part might actually be what has to happen.

@Vi
So I just need to shoot her? 8D

Kesha wants your braaains.  

[DelightfulCatastrophe]

You are not being insensitive AT ALL. My best friend went through the exact same situation. Her boyfriend would cheat on her, they would break up for the stupidest reasons, she would cry soooo efffffing much. Every time we would be talking, she would bring him up and some new douchebag move he had pulled.

I had enough of it. I was about ready to hang him. So I told her to stop talking to him. Stop seeing him. Turn off your phone. Hang out with your friends. Let's go shopping. Let's get a mani/pedi. Eventually she got the hint, and now she sees what a douchebag he was/is.

Oh, and the best part? He STILL TEXTS HER. After her moving on to other people and things. YEARS after they were through. He claims that he still loves her, that he's changed and he won't do that stuff anymore. Yeah, right.

We laugh at how pathetic he is.

So, my point? Do what I did. Tell her to stop talking to him, tell her how much of a douchebag J is (using specific examples helps), and that she's much better off without him, and suggest going out shopping or whatever it is you all enjoy doing together. Eventually she'll get the hint.  

[Renard Muldrake]

That's not insensitive.
It may not be tactful, but tact's for pussies.

Hell, she probably needs to hear it from someone.
Probably a few times to drive it home as well.  

[Den Dristige Djevelen]

I would have said it a long time ago.

 

[Fuji_hobo_jacket]

I'm assuming this is in a college dorm? Go to your RA or whoever you can, tell them your nut has finally been cracked and you do not believe her being in the room is conductive to an academically positive environment and both you and sane roommate are worried about your grades for the coming year if the nutcracker continues to reside with you. If that doesn't get her moved then maybe the 2 of you will be moved away from her. Either way, don't have to deal with her anymore.


If I'm wrong, then I still agree it isn't insensitive to not want your life to be entirely about listening to someone else talk about someone elses life. That's just screwy. xP  

[PainfullyVivid]

@Kytten
I'll probably acknowledge she said something and then ignore it. She's already mentions that she can't wait until tomorrow (when we can all move back in for Spring) because she has so much to tell us. I fear that something is J-related.

@Fashion
I've been trying that, but she seems to never really listen to advice.

@Renard
xD In this situation, I agree. When times are tough, tact just gets int he way. D<

@Dris
I haven't had to deal with it really until this semester. She wasn't really around me a lot until August, so I just have to hear about it from my other roommate usually. A lot less annoying.

@Fuji
Yeah. College apartment.
Our housings usually won't change your room easily unless it's near the end of a semester. While I looked at moving out during Christmas break a month ago, you had to decide like 3 weeks before we left school, and I thought NC would get over J. Otherwise, housing make syou go through counseling with your roommates before they even consider it, and I think she would say that she would stop talking about him even though I doubt she can actually stop herself. Plus, I know my other roommate doesn't want to completely ruin their friendship, and I can't see NC being at all forgiving about us moving out. Honestly, I wouldn't care all too much if she never spoke to me again, but she's not horrible if she isn't cracked up on J.