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 Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 11:51 pm
Child of the Land
Keiki o ka 'aina. Somehow that phrase carries so much weight with it. To be one, you know in your heart you are one, born here or not, bred here or not. To be born on this land does not mean you are it's child, but to have the connection, that's what's most important.
But if that's true, if outsiders can establish connections and become keiki o ka 'aina, is it just as easy to lose it?
If I go away, will I forget who I am, and forget that I am keiki o ka 'aina? Will I forget the land I love so much? Will I end up as I have seen others, abandoning my home for personal success?
In economics, we learned a term called "brain drain". The smartest people go to better, more advanced places to study, then stay there and never come back. Will I also? Will I just become part of the "brain drain" for my home?
Then I wonder...
When I leave for college, is it true that the people I meet won't understand my ties to the land? Will they not understand that I am indebted to my ancestors, that family is always family, and that capitalism is not always the best society, even if that's what my economics class is supposed to teach?
I wish I could say that I will always be keiki o ka 'aina, but I'm not so sure. After four years of high school, I've changed, and I hope for the better. After four years away from home, who's to say I won't change for the worse?
And if I change, how will I ever find my way back to the land? Will it even be possible for the land to accept me again after I've cast it away?
I have so many questions, and there is no one that can show me the answers. Perhaps I can ask the land, since I have a connection. Perhaps the more I ask, the more that connection will hold, and the deeper I can dig my roots.
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2011 2:56 am
Beautiful
I always thought nothing of that word. At least, when it applied to me.
I thought when the people in my family told me I was beautiful, they just had to, because we're family. And I always thought the ladies at the hair salons were just flattering me so I'd give them more business.
I thought I wasn't the only one in this situation: my grandma runs into a friend while shopping, or at the doctor's, or at a party, and she calls me over to introduce me. And her friend remarks about my height, my hair, my behavior, my face, my body, and tells me she has a grandson my age or just a few years older that she would like me to meet. Yeah, I thought that happened to every girl.
When I was in middle school and a boy at McDonalds asked me for my phone number, I thought that it was a joke.
Same thing when I got hit on at an anime convention by a couple of college guys while I was just a freshman in high school.
And when the senior boy in my Japanese class asked me when my lunch period was I thought he was just being nice because I was new.
And when some random group of guys whistled and called out to me when I was walking after school, I assumed that happens to all girls.
Whenever I looked lost and nearby guys would ask automatically if I needed help, I thought that the same probably happens to all girls.
I thought all my cousins got the same comments my aunties gave me about going to try out for Miss Hawaii.
But I've started to wonder...
Is it really so normal? But I'm afraid to be vain and think I'm beautiful if I'm just ordinary. I'm rather humble in that respect, and I guess I don't want to pretend I'm something I'm not.
But still, it's not the kind of question that's easy to ask anyone and get a straight answer.
Am I beautiful?
I wish I knew.
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Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 11:25 pm
New York
I've been accepted to college. One college.
I applied to five. I was in the process of applying to my back up and one local school, but now I don't need to anymore.
...I didn't even get wait listed for the others. They just all either flat out rejected me, or told me "sorry not enough room". In other words, I'm still not good enough for the ivy leagues. Even being in honors at a college prep school where there's one seat for every ten applicants.
But... I made it into one college up there. That's more than anyone else in my family except my aunt, who partially got accepted for being Asian
I'm getting off the rock.
I'm going to the big city to pursue my dream.
I've never been to New York before... it'll be brand new.
But I've taken the first step onto a new path. And here I go.
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Posted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 7:18 pm
Doubts
I know that the internet can be a cynical place. But sometimes it never fails to plant seeds of doubt in me. Sometimes.
I was so excited about getting into college. I'd heard so many things about the college I chose being a good school.
I wanted to learn more about it, I googled it. I found cool videos and stuff...
But I found a couple of websites that are making me doubt.
The reviews I found on those sites are making it seem like a bad place to go to school. One reviewer even said she didn't like it the whole time she was there. She said that there's no school spirit and that there's bugs in the dorms and that everything is disorganized.
Another girl said the food isn't that great and that there are cats all over the campus. And also that the heating in the buildings is terrible. And that you'll learn a lot, but some of it is stuff that's pretty useless to know. All of them said that the classes are tough and you learn a lot, but they make it sound like a bad place to be.
I thought it was going to be nice. I always hear people tell me it's a good school. Historic buildings, lots of learning... but now I'm beginning to doubt my choice. A bunch of reviewers called the school a waste of money.
The school I currently attend has a lot of historic buildings too. Our food and libraries are amazing, and I learn a lot, but I do deal with being in a very restrictive environment and not having administration listen to students. We've got cats all over campus too, and bugs, and some of the hallways are like wind tunnels... but overall I love it. There's plenty of school spirit and plenty of successful people.
But with Pratt, so many more people hate the school... I don't want to waste my parent's money when we have to sacrifice so much for me to go there...
Maybe the reviewers were just cynical people to begin with. Or maybe they were mad at the school when they wrote it...
Then there's the videos. What's shown in the videos looks amazing, but votes on them are mostly negative, and people don't leave nice comments about the campus.
I'm starting to feel terrible about my decision... we can't afford to visit, so I won't know until I get there... No one seems to like the school and it sounds so bad...
I wish I could just know the truth and judge for myself...
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Posted: Wed Apr 06, 2011 6:04 am
Eighteen
I'm eighteen as of two hours ago... amazing. I'm legally an adult.
I honestly can't believe I've been alive this long.
I've changed so much as a person... I used to be so selfish and self-centered as a kid. I've even changed since last year. I like to think I've matured just a little, and become more responsible.
A little.
I can hardly believe my life at home is almost over. It's a strange feeling. A really strange mix of happiness and excitement and sadness and longing all at once...
Well... happy birthday to me.
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Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 9:06 am
Tired
I hate not getting enough sleep. I hate always feeling tired. For once I'd just like to be able to focus and get this stupid calculus homework done...
I honestly don't get it. I pay attention in class, but then I start the homework and it's like: what the hell is this? Did she even go over how to do this? I understand that we're supposed to "try it on our own" and learn how to figure things out ourselves, but what she assigned doesn't even remotely touch upon the same stuff we went over in class!
I hate just staring at the pages not being able to figure out what the hell I'm doing. And the next thing I know, I've only gotten 4 hours of sleep because of it.
Things are not looking bright in terms of the upcoming AP exam. I'm way too stressed... I keep failing the practice tests... I'm definitely not getting close to enough sleep...
Thank god at least senior picnic is on Friday...
Ugh. Time for school. Hopefully I can finish these problems before class...
Calculus teacher, y u no explain this? D:
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2011 11:45 am
Dating
I always seem to be the heartbreaker in these situations.
I don't understand why my *now* ex-boyfriend can't let go. When I told him we could be friends, I meant friends. But he's trying to go out of his way to spend more time with me than even my best friends.
I feel like maybe I should just break it off completely, but I don't want that... It's like kicking a puppy that's biting your foot. You do it because it's hurting you, but afterwards you feel just so bad because regardless, you've still just kicked a puppy...
Urgh.
I hate feeling guilty. But I also hate feeling awkward around him...
My mom says that I need to just break it off completely. My best friend tells me to do what will make me happy. My other friends tell me everything will be okay in the end...
I wish I knew what to do.
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Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2011 12:04 pm
Never Have I Ever
"Never have I ever... not crushed on someone from our team."
That was so easy for my friend to say while half the team was playing that game. We all know how happy she is one of the boys on the team asked her to prom.
But then... when none of the rest of us raise our hands to confirm we've all had a crush on someone our own team...
Maybe playing wasn't a good idea.
Most of us know now that I've have a crush on this boy on our team... it wasn't too awkward, but that's only because I didn't have to say when and for how long. Most of them figured out I started liking him around sophomore year... I guess most of them assumed it went away when I got a boyfriend as a junior.
But no, it's been an on and off again type of like. I've always admired that he's so smart, and responsible, and he's fun to hang out with but knows when to be serious and when it's okay to joke...
I was almost relieved to get it off my chest that he liked me... but... he didn't admit who he liked...
When he dropped me at home last night, after we were all done hanging out... I apologized for pestering him about who he likes. I told him it's okay, he doesn't have to tell anyone. But... I implied that I do still have a small crush on him, and since it looks like things aren't going so well with my ex-boyfriend... I asked if he would go with me to prom, or at least consider it.
...that was the most confusing response I've ever received.
Maybe one of my friends was right with his advice yesterday, "You might be worried or whatever, but you won't know for sure what will happen unless you try." I took that advice to heart. Now I just have to wait and see...
I just hope the nervous anticipation doesn't kill me.
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Posted: Thu Apr 28, 2011 5:20 am
Prom
I miss the nervous anticipation. I miss not knowing. I almost feel like trying to take it all back...
...but no. I promised myself not to ever regret over past decisions.
I've only been rejected once before. And that time didn't even hurt too bad, because the boy was flat out mean about it. I stopped liking him, I didn't have to second guess my feelings.
But this... I don't know. He may have rejected me, but he did it in such a cordial way that I can't hate him. He gave me legitimate reasons, and showed that he really put thought into his decision before telling me 'no'.
I guessed wrong about who he liked... I thought I might've actually been the one he liked. But thinking back, that doesn't make sense. I get the feeling it's one of our other friends, she's so nice, and a lot of the guys like her anyway. I may be kind of pretty, I may be kind of smart and good at things, but I know I'm too weird, and I know that acting like "myself" puts off a lot of guys.
It would make sense that he likes her; that was why he couldn't say in front of our other friends, because she's going out with one of them. It all falls into place and makes sense.
Still, there's this one little part of me that hopes and prays I'm wrong, that maybe I'm the one he likes. But there's no evidence for that at all.
I miss the time before all of this happened...
I hate the feeling of sitting in my room, staying up crying.
I tried, I took the chance... and it just left me feeling terrible.
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Posted: Wed May 18, 2011 4:06 am
Movement
Everything is moving so fast...
High school is almost at an end. I have an economics essay due tomorrow that I really should be working on... but whatever, I need to get this off my chest.
Maybe it's the sleep deprivation talking, but I've decided that from now on, I'm going to take risks. And I'm going to take a REALLY big risk.
I've decided that before the last day of finals is over, I'm going to confess to the boy I like.
This'll be the first time since... 7th grade. Wow. >_<
I can do this! Just gotta finish my essay and download the forms I need onto my jumpdrive and I can sleep for the first time in several days...
OKAY TIME TO FOCUS.
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Posted: Fri May 20, 2011 4:18 am
The Team
In our team, there are six seniors. Two girls, four boys.
Our president is always so responsible and reliable. He's really mature and he's a really good leader. He and the other girl on our team like each other, though I don't think they're going out... yet...
Then there's my rival... we were always in the same slot throughout the year, so I always try hard to beat him, because he's so smart.
The other girl on our team, she's so pretty and smart. Lots of boys like her, although she says weird stuff sometimes. But she's always adorable anyway.
Her best friend is another boy on our team. He likes to tease me and joke around a lot, and he has a complex about his height.
And... there's the boy I like. He's really quiet and never talks, but he's funny and he's a nice person. He's very, very smart and wins lots of awards because of it. Because he doesn't talk I don't know too much about him, but I'd like to get to know him a lot better. I've only heard his voice a few times but... it sounds really cool. It's kind of deep and mature, and it sounds really calming to me... He's a great person and I value his friendship. Only...
On our team, I'm the scatter-brained one. I'm the loud, obnoxious otaku who needs to work really hard to catch up to everyone else. Sometimes I say things and they come out weird or wrong, but I never mean it that way... I can be pretty stupid and clueless... Sometimes I think we're too different, and even though I admire him he won't like me that way.
I really want to tell him how I feel, but... I get the feeling that my honesty will just end in heartbreak.
Still, I've decided I'm going to be honest with my feelings and tell him after final exams. In my heart I hope everything will end like this manga I read, where a flashy girl confessed to a plain guy, and in the end it turns out that they admired the qualities the other had, so it worked out well.
But I know that this is real life, and that probably won't happen. The little part of me that's optimistic feels sad about that, but it's true. Still, I guess I'll hold onto that small bit of optimism that small chance will really happen. After all, I'm graduating. After this I can't turn back, so why not?
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Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 1:24 am
The Math
My mom is right: Sometimes the smartest guys are the stupidest ones too. Or, in layman's terms, just because you can ace an advanced calculus test does not mean you also have common sense.
I was listening to some old CDs today and I found what used to be a favorite song of mine in middle school, The Math by Hilary Duff. This is like... some kind of prophecy. Allow me to break down my current situation by comparing it to the lyrics.
You're always trying to figure out
What I am all about
Or you're at least rolling your eyes an my odd behavior. But whatever, I know even if you don't always understand me, you try to. And if that fails, you still accept me, and I thank you for that.
If you don't know what the answer is
Then just shut up and kiss
...or, you know, you could just tell me you don't know. I don't care if you like me... okay, that's a lie. I'd be COMPLETELY ECSTATIC if you liked me. But if you don't or if you don't know, that's fine. I won't push you. I will respect your wishes...
It shouldn't take forever
To put it all together
...But give me a damn answer already.
If you can't do the math
Then get out of the equation
How about I explain it like math? Will that help? How's this: WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ON WHAT YOU PLUS ME WOULD EQUAL UNDER THE CONDITION OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP?
I am calling you back
This is * 69
I'm asking you again. You can't avoid giving me an answer.
Is it a minus or a plus
Just tell me if it's good or bad. I won't freak out and hate you if you don't like me... please understand that.
Does enough equal enough
I think it does; enough is enough. Stop avoiding this conversation.
If you can't do the math
Then nothing adds up
Tell me why I'm here
Why am I still here, waiting for your answer one month later? Do you REALLY need this much time to think? Or are you just avoiding me? I'm so confused...
Sure I want someone to understand
But I don't need the stress
Thank you for thinking about my feelings. However, I think you've been thinking of my feelings for too long... the waiting is stressing me out!
I'm not about being analyzed
Like it's some kind of test
solution to relationship problem =/= solution to math problem
Just thinking and analyzing the situation over and over isn't enough to solve your feelings.
Don't have to be a genius
To figure what's between us
Please just decide whether you like me or not. It's not rocket science. It shouldn't take this long.
You can spend your whole life analyzing
Justifying, quantifying, and dividing
'Till there's nothing anymore
But that won't help. You've had a month to think. Now can you please act according to your thoughts?
Why don't you just close your eyes
And kiss my lips and let it go
Just let it flow
It's what I'm waiting for
Okay... not really. That'd be... really, really nice... but you don't have to like me, as I've said. I just want an answer to my confession. Whether it's yes or no, I need a definite answer.
I don't think you realize how terrible hope can be sometimes. I don't like having false hopes. I'd rather have the truth, no matter what it is. Just tell me, because that's the kind of person I am.
Don't have to be a genius
To figure what's between us
I can't help the fact that my brain tells me guys who are smart enough to do calculus problems get automatic attractiveness points... but I just wish he'd realize this isn't a math problem.
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Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2011 12:06 pm
What is this Dream?
Once again, I've had another dream that is just... confusing.
The boy I like and I were back in high school, walking to either another class or lunch or something together. And then...
Me: Hi!
Him: ...hey.
Me: ...you're going to talk to me?
Him: *shrugs*
Me: So... how do you actually decide when you want to speak or not?
Him: *shrugs again* When something's important.
Me: ...and do I count as important?
Him: *smiles*
And the funny thing is, in real life I don't think he's ever spoken a single word to me. Ever.
Guess I'm just not important enough for him.
...
Great. Now I just feel depressed. And it's not like any of this is news to me. I pretty much came to terms with the fact that yes, I am one of his best friends, but no, I am not special to him in any way. He doesn't talk to any of us... so why should I be an exception?
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Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2011 6:24 pm
Last Day
It's my last day in Hawaii... I'm scrambling to get all my stuff packed since there's only 10 hours before we leave for the airport. I still have one more suitcase plus my carry ons to go. I need to
- pack my prescriptions and contact lenses
- pack my cosmetics stuff
- say goodbye to my grandparents
- try to clean up what I can in the mess that is my room
- figure out how to stop being pissed at my mom
- remember what it is I forgot to pack...
...
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Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 11:53 am
Hate
Dear Studiomate,
This is the first time in a long time I've hated someone so much. But I must thank you, because you made me remember how important it is to lock up everything while I'm gone. But that's the only thing I'll ever thank you for.
I get sick so you take my cart. Instead of putting it back, you take it to your dorm. I ask for it back, you tell me to go borrow one from the mailroom because you're too busy eating out at a cafe with your friends.
Well guess what? I'M BUSY TOO. I AM BUSY CATCHING UP ON ALL THE ******** WORK I COULDN'T GET DONE WHEN I WAS SICK. IN FACT, I'M STILL SICK. I know it's not visible but that's because I'm holding tough and taking 3 different kinds of medicine to hide it so I can be in class.
So let's recap.
YOU'RE too busy to give me back MY property because you are out having FUN.
I'M too busy because I'm WORKING, I'm SICK so the more time I spend walking around outside I get worse, AND on top of that I think that I should be entitled to have what is mine, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU DIDN'T ASK TO BORROW IT. Oh, and let's not forget the main reason I'm busy: BECAUSE YOU ******** TOOK THE STUFF I NEEDED TO USE AND THREW OFF MY WHOLE SCHEDULE.
Gee, it's not like you have my number to text me to ask permission to borrow it though... OH WAIT! YES YOU DO.
You get the honor of being the first person I've ever said this ******** you, b***h.
That's right, you're a b***h. You come and go as you please and wear your fashionable clothes that are completely inappropriate for the woodworking we're doing. You parade around your little entourage and don't care about anyone except yourself.
Don't go out all day spending time with your friends staying up all night to finish the work and then expect me to cover for you when you sleep in class. Don't ever EVER be my partner again for any assignment. And NEVER touch my stuff again. I'll steer clear from you, and you from me.
After we're done with this project, let's not talk again. I mean it. Screw being nice to everyone in the studio and respecting studiomates. I'll treat you the way I think I deserve to treat you after everything you've done.
No more letting people take advantage. No more being nice.
What I learned at college today: People cannot be trusted and I will not let my guard down again.
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