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Call Me Nefret

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 19, 2011 10:03 pm
This is a story I've been working on. It's completely original, from my own mind. Steal it and you will become inexplicably and extremely unhappy. Comments and feedback are loved, but only if you follow this simple color scheme.

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Also, be sure to mention which part (Part 1, Part 2, etc.) the critique/comment is coming from.  
PostPosted: Sat Mar 19, 2011 10:06 pm
PART 1


The castle was burning. The moans of the dying tainted the air, breaking the hearts of those unfortunate enough to be close by.
Alaric raised his sword as the dragon charged. He could feel the beast’s fiery breath as it drew closer. The predatory glee in its blood red eyes showed the monster’s confidence in his victory.
“You think you’ve won, you cretin?” Alaric hissed. “You’ve never fought a man who had nothing to lose.” He held his hand steady as the dragon came ever closer. With a battle cry to shake the centuries, Alaric rushed forward and…


“Charlie, we’re leaving!” A loud voice pulled me from my writing. I sighed and laid the pencil down. It seemed Alaric’s epic battle to save the kingdom would have to wait another day.
“I’m coming.” I called back, annoyed. Why was it every time I got to the climax of the story, someone had to interrupt? It would be hours before I could find my muse again. I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder. A check in the mirror confirmed what I already knew. Mussed up dull gold hair and an uneven tan for an altogether “Do I look like I care what you think?” look.
I bounded down the stairs and smack dab into a middle-aged woman with cropped brown hair.
“Honestly.” She muttered. “But you run through life at a hundred miles an hour?”
“You know you really shouldn’t ask a question unless you want an answer.” I replied, grinning. She gave me the classic “mom” look. The look that made most good little girls cower in fear. Fortunately for me, I was not a good little girl.
“We’re going to be late.” She said, gesturing towards the door urgently.
“You sure about that?” I checked the clock. “School doesn’t start for half an hour.” She just pointed to the door. I let out an exasperated sigh, the kind I knew annoyed her, and skipped merrily into the outside world.

We drove to school in silence. Or at least, I did. Mom went on and on about how much I would love the school. How easy it would be to make friends. How great an education I would be getting. In other words, your average you-might-be-new-but-no-one’s-going-to-eat-you speech. I refrained from reminding her that this wasn’t the first time I was the new kid. Or the second.
Dad’s boss love changed. Encouraged it really. If encourage meant you lost your job if you refused it. And dear old dad was never one to refuse anyone anything.
I wasn’t bitter. Really.

The school building, on first glance, was unimpressive. Two tall, brick buildings with a short, longer building between. They both reeked of teenage apathy. Or maybe that was just me.
Mom parked neatly in the front lot and ushered me inside the center building.
The office was almost identical to every other school office I’d ever walked in. Industrial carpeting, beige walls, a few random paintings and flowers in an attempt to make it look more “homey”.
I wonder if there’s a law. I wondered idly. “No school office is permitted to look unique.”
Okay, so I was having a bad morning.
The woman behind the counter was a woman in her mid-fifties with a white blouse and dark pencil skirt on. Her hair was curled around her face in a style that only those over the age of 45 dared to try. So the law included a uniform.  

Call Me Nefret

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Call Me Nefret

Sweet Egg

57,525 Points
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  • Master Converter 500
PostPosted: Sat Mar 19, 2011 10:08 pm
PART 2


“How may I help you?” She asked in a concern, yet slightly detached voice that mimicked every other school secretary I’d met.
“We’re new to town.” I’d heard this speech enough time to recite it while unconscious. “I called a few days ago, about registering my daughter for class?”
The secretary nodded.
“Of course. Charlotte’s classes are all picked out.” I was not a fan of my real name. It made me feel like I’d stepped out of an early 19th century novel.
“That’s great.” Mom sounded relieved. It meant she didn’t have to be here for that much longer.
The secretary bustled about, looking in various filing cabinets before pulling out numerous papers and handing them to me.
“That’s your class schedule, those are the periods, that’s the map of the school…” She pointed out each of the papers, though I didn’t pay attention. I was a pro at being new. It had stopped scaring me a long time ago.
“If you’d like, I’m sure we could find someone to show you around.” She smiled like it was an exciting thing.
“No thank you.” I said, stuffing the papers in my bag. The last thing I needed was a teacher’s pet trying to play tour guide.
“Well, if that’s everything…” Mom was definitely eager to escape. She was a rat and this ship was burning fast. She kissed me on the check, ignoring the look on my face. “I’ll see you at home.” She promised. And then she fled.
Without another word to the woman, I turned and did the same. Only, being under-aged, my only option was to flee into a different building. Off of the roasting stick, into the campfire.

My first class was Trigonometry. Also known as the Achilles heel to teenagers everywhere. Why they didn’t just stop after long division was beyond me.
I walked slowly, weaving in and out and the crowds of kids. They were all talking incessantly, so caught up in their high school dramas too notice a new girl. And I wasn’t complaining.
I found the room with little trouble. I slipped in and sat in the farthest back corner. Most of the kids already sitting in the back glanced at me, but what they saw obviously didn’t impress them much.
By the time the bell rang, most of the kids were in the room, with a few stragglers rushing in.
The teacher, a portly man name Mr. Hartley, walked to the front of the room. He looked every inch the math geek, complete with uneven glasses and pocket protector.
“Welcome ladies and gents.” His attempt at being smooth was marred by the fact that his voice cracked. I leaned back in my chair, crossing my arms over my chest. This was going to be a long period.
I prepared myself to the normal rigmarole. Syllabus, rules, expectations, etc. The best part about the first day of school was the lack of actual learning. An entire day to zone out.
Just as Mr. Hartley began passing out the syllabuses (syllabi?) the door opens. I was too busy envisioning Alaric in his epic sword fight with the dragon. Somehow I doubted it would go well for him. After all, a dragon is nothing to sneeze at.
There was silent, collect gasp from the females in the room. I looked to see a 6 ft. 1, blond hair, blue-eyed jock strolling into the room like he owned the place. I looked around the room. The only open seat was…next to me. Peachy.  
PostPosted: Sat Mar 19, 2011 10:19 pm
PART 3



“Mr. Ender.” The teacher said, trying (and failing miserably) to make his tone sound commanding. “So nice of you to join us.”
“No problem.” He shrugged, with a smug grin. A chorus of giggled erupted.
“Alright, alright.” Mr. Hartley’s voice was resigned. This lady-killer’s charm was more than a match for his nerdiness. “Please take a seat.” There was furious whispering as the girls tried to convince each other to give up the seat so they could be the lucky ones sitting next to “Mr. Ender”.
Mr. Popular walked towards my table, smiling at the girl’s as he passed. One girl nearly fell out of her chair. I rolled my eyes. I knew these kind of guys existed, but I’d never met one. And I’d been hoping to keep it that way.
When his eyes settled on me, the smile disappeared.
Poor guy. I thought sarcastically. Probably bemoaning the fact his new “neighbor” isn’t in love with him. But after I moment, I realized the look on his face wasn’t disappointment. It was…surprise?
He made a beeline for the table, ignoring everyone else, much to the girls’ dismay. Mr. Hartley continued lecturing. I stared at the front of the room, zoning out again. I had a problem with daydreaming in class. What could I say? Dragon fights were more fun than radians.

He jabbed the sword at the beast. The dragon roared its amusement. What could a puny human to do such a creature? Taking a deep breath, the dragon lowered it giant snout. A fountain of flames erupted, aimed right at Alaric. He jumped to the side, missing a fiery death by mere inches. The dragon huffed and lumbered closer, lowering its snout once again…

“Hey.” I jumped slightly before frowning. That was the second time this morning someone had interrupted me. Some goody-two-shoes eager to impress the new kid, no doubt. The story was coming along quite nicely, even if the latest addition was only in my head. I turned to see who spoke, only to find Mr. Perfect himself, looking at me with the oddest expression. Like he somehow knew me.
“Hi.” I replied curtly. He looked confused for a moment, before shaking his head.
“My name’s Axel.” He said with a smile.
“Charlie.” I replied. Good, introductions were over. Now I could get back to…
“You’re new here.” It wasn’t a question. This was strange, considering how that’s how most of the kids began their little “look how helpful I am!” speeches.
“Congratulations.” I said, a little confused myself. “You have excellent powers of observation.” A little too excellent. This school wasn’t that tiny. How did he already know I was new, when he’d only looked at me once?
“I’ve been told that before.” He smiled at some inside joke. I nodded vaguely and turned away, eager to get back to the story forming inside my head.
“A couple of us are getting together after school.” He continued on relentlessly. “You want to come?” I stared at him in disbelief.
“I don’t think you understand the mechanics of high school.” I said slowly. “You’re the overly popular jock, and I’m the odd little outcast. We don’t speak and we definitely don’t hang out.” He had to understand this. He lived it, didn’t he?
“Who said I was popular?” He asked innocently.  

Call Me Nefret

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Call Me Nefret

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 19, 2011 10:36 pm
PART 4


I looked pointedly at the girls around us. All were glancing repeatedly at Axel and whispering amongst themselves.
“Call it a hunch.” I said, turning back to him.
“Who says you’re an outcast?” He asked, leaning in closer. The whispers multiplied.
“Quiet down.” Mr. Hartley called out in an unimpressive voice. The whispers subsided for a moment, but all eyes were on us.
“An answer, please.” He said bluntly.
“No.” I said, just as blunt. There was a mixture of relief and disbelief on the females’ faces.
The whispers swelled again as Axel leaned away from me. I caught some of what they were saying.
“How can anyone turn him down?”
“I don’t care, I’m just happy that she did.”
“Why won’t he notice me?”
“He’s so hot.”

I shook my head in annoyance. They were all the same.
Mr. Hartley was about to open his mouth again, when the bell rang. Axel stood up slowly, glancing down at me.
“See you later.” He said with a smug grin. He turned and walked away, leaving dropped jaws astonished faces behind him; including mine, to my chagrin.

The rest of the morning classes passed in their usual blur. Social Studies was bland as ever. Health was guaranteed to be awkward, full of blushing girls and laughing guys. Biology was a bit better. Science was fairly easy. Then their came the blessed time of the day: lunch.

The cafeteria was stuffed to the brim with hungry students. There was a constant buzz of conversation and movement. I slipped through the massive throng, invisible. I enjoyed my invisibility. It was my not-so-super power.
As I stood in line for food, I noticed Mr. Perfect looking at me. Instead of looking away when our eyes met, he smiled. I, on the other hand, frowned. What was up with him? I knew the Prince Charming types were supposed to be…well, charming…but this was going over the top.
I grabbed my food and sat down. It wasn’t so awful if you took into consideration it was school food. Still, I dug in hesitantly. I was almost finished with one of the greasiest pieces of pizza I had ever eaten, when someone sat in the chair next to me.
“You’re honestly going to try again?” I turned, expecting Mr. Perfect. Instead I was faced with a small girl with mouse-brown hair and glasses perched on her nose.
“Oh, sorry.” I said lamely. “I thought you were…”
“Someone else?” She finished for me, raising an eyebrow. “Don’t worry about it. Everyone does.” For a moment her eyes looked sad, before clearing up. “I’m Miriam.”
Miriam was the epitome of nerdiness. Her hair was in perfect braids, her clothes were neatly pressed and I had to resist the urge to start in with “Good golly gee, isn’t school swell?”
“Charlie.” I replied.  
PostPosted: Sat Mar 19, 2011 10:39 pm
PART 5


“You must be new.” Again, it wasn’t a question. Were the kids here just extremely observant? That couldn’t be it. I’d been ignored by nearly everyone, save for Mr. Popular, and Mimi here.
“That’s what they tell me.” I replied dryly. She smiled.
“What classes do you have?” Something in the way she spoke made it obvious she was intelligent. Not surprising.
I reluctantly dug out my class list and handed it over. She looked over it for a moment, nodded, then handed it back. What was that all about?
“Find anything interesting?” I asked. My voice had a slightly acerbic edge to it. The girl seemed unperturbed.
“Oh yes.” She said simply. I waited for the rest, but she didn’t say anything else. We sat there in a strange silence for a few moments, before she stood up.
“See you later.” She said, walking off. I stared after her. This time, though, I was more prepared. My face was smooth and unsurprised.
After lunch came the best period of the day for me: creative writing. The one class I was guaranteed to excel at. I swear, I was so giddy I practically skipped to class.
I walked in to see the teacher, Ms. Crim, a long willowy woman in her mid-twenties, writing on the board. She had long, white-blonde hair hanging loose to her waist. Her clothes were professional enough to be a teacher, but something about the way she wore them said “I only dress this nice because they make me”. I liked her almost immediately.
The room consisted of desks arranged in a semicircle facing towards the chalkboard. I took a seat near the middle. Hey, just because I liked the class didn’t mean I wanted a front row seat.
Seeing as I’d gotten to class early (I put the EEEEEE!!!! in eager when it came to any writing class) I pulled out a tattered old notebook. It was full of random notes.
“Hello old friend.” I whispered, opening it. There was a bunch of random scribbling, as well as sketches. There was Alaric, mighty dragon fighter. I hadn’t quite managed to draw the dragon though.

Again Alaric dodged, but this time a searing pain reaches his leg.
“You monster.” He spat out, clutching his leg. The agony was severe. He remembered what the old mage had said. There is no fire on earth akin to that which comes from the beast’s mouth. Alaric grimaces in pain. “You were right, old man.” He whispers.
The beast raises its head in the air and roars. It’s the sound of an avalanche, an earthquake. It is the chaos and insanity of a disaster, portrayed by a single, horrible noise.
Made by a beast who knows he’s about to win.


“You’re in my seat.” I was about to snap. How many times could I be interrupted in one day? I looked up to see the latest offender. He was tall and thin, with pale skin. His clothes were as black as the shaggy hair on his head. He glared down at me like I insulted him by just existing.
“I’m in my seat.” I replied, glaring back. I was not having a good time with the students of this school. Why couldn’t they just ignore me like they usually did?
“So you are.” He said, sitting down next to me. His eyes never left my face. I really did not like people staring at me.
“Preparing for a staring contest?” I asked, adding more punch than the sarcasm required.  

Call Me Nefret

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Call Me Nefret

Sweet Egg

57,525 Points
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2011 11:34 am
PART 6


“Maybe I just like what I see.” He replied with a smirk. Unlike Axel, who seemed bent on trying to charm me, this guy was just trying to throw me off balance.
“Be still my beating heart.” I said, putting a hand on my chest. Sarcasm was much more fun than taking anything seriously. He smirked.
Ms. Crim called the class to order then.
“Alright, sit back and listen up.” She said. The students looked at each other in amazement. Did a teacher just say that?
“My number one rule in here is simple. Use common sense.” She leaned up against the chalkboard. “You’ve all managed to survive the educational system this far, you should know by now how to toe the line.”
It was like the teacher of my dreams, come to life.
“Don’t be late, don’t backtalk, do your work.” She counted off on her fingers as she said them. “Don’t act like your hot stuff and we’ll get along fine. Now, onto more important things.”
I didn’t know teachers like this actually existed outside of teenage soap operas.
“Your first assignment is called ‘Mind Reader’.” She continued. “You’re going to partner up. Talk, get to know each other, then write a day in the life of that person.”
I liked the assignment. I didn’t like the way tall, dark, and scary was looking at me. Like he already assumed we’d be partners. I had to admit, I wondered what it was like under all those raven locks.
“You have 3 days to work on it.” She said. “Get to know them. Make up a story. The setting doesn’t matter. Spaceship, alternate universe, I don’t care.”
She couldn’t exist. This had to be a figment of my imagination. Wasn’t it an unspoken rule among teachers to only rise to a certain level of awesomeness?
“Alright.” She said loudly, clapping her hands. “Get on it!”
The class erupted. Kids jumped up from their seats. 3 days of class spent just talking? Everyone rejoiced. I might have been rejoicing a bit too, but it was on the inside.
I watched as the kids paired up with those they knew, completely avoiding me and the guy beside me. There were a few glances in his direction. They looked…nervous.
“People avoid you like the plague.” I pointed out for no particular reason.
“Yep.” He smiled. It was not a nice smile. “Are you going to?” It was a dare. Of course I had to take it.
“A little disease spices up an otherwise mundane life.” I replied smoothly. He smirked.
“Gray, good to see you again.” I looked up to see Ms. Crim standing on the other side of him. “Maybe this time you should try to pass the class.” There was obvious familiarity between them.
“And miss seeing your gorgeous face every day?” He quipped. She smiled and rolled her eyes. She looked to me.
“Since fate has thrown you two together, do me a favor.” She said with a twinkle in her eye. “Keep this kid in line.” With another smile she was off across the classroom.
“You failed the class.” I said after she’d left. I wasn’t exactly an honor roll student myself, but failing a class like this floored me. There were no right or wrong answers, how could you fail?
“Yep.” He said, staring at his hands, now folded on the desk. “Got into some stuff, did some stuff, got caught with some stuff, you know, the usual story.”  
PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2011 11:36 am
PART 7


“Of course.” I replied dryly. There was no way I was letting him scare me away.
“So, partner.” He said conversationally. “What’re you like?”
“Sarcastic.” I replied, almost on instinct. “Snarky, sassy, with a hint of apathy and a dash of teenage angst.”
“Ah.” He said, as if suddenly uncovering the meaning of life. “I see now.”
“Your turn.” I said. “What’s going on in that twisted little mind of yours.”
“Twisted?” He asked, feigning insult. “You haven’t read my mind yet, how can you tell?”
“The stuff told me.” I replied. Another smirk. It seemed to be one of the few facial expressions he could make. He was quiet for several moments. Finally, I just had to say something.
“Well?” I asked, with only a trace of impatience.
“I can’t reveal all my secrets quite yet.” He looked like he was enjoying his own private joke.
He wasn’t going to say anything else. And I wasn’t going to bare my soul without getting something in return. So rather than demand information out of his mind, I retreated into my own.

Alaric forced himself into a sitting position. His leg was slowly turning to black. It was excruciating. By sheer force of will, he raised his sword. His strength was almost gone.
The dragon began charging again. Alaric, stay perfect motionless, waiting.
Had the beast noticed the look on the prey’s face, he may have stopped. Perhaps wondered why such a feeble creature looked so determined in the face of sure death. But, blinded by the thought of flesh, the beast charged forward, nostrils blazing.
He wouldn’t have a chance to stab the beast by hand. The fire would get him before the creature ever got close enough. With one final prayer and a battle cry, he threw the sword just as the fire encased him.
While the man burned, his blade flew straight and true. The dragon roared, this time in pain, as the metal pierced the skin and buried itself deep in the creature’s neck.
The dragon staggered backward, it’s footsteps shaking the ground. The great creature sank to its stomach, its mighty head flopping to the ground. With a harsh breath, the beast’s eyes slid shut.
The strongest creature in the world was slain, taking with it a man capable of the impossible.


“Hey.” Someone was shaking my shoulder. “C’mon now.” I blinked several times before my eyes focused on Gray kneeling next to my desk. I looked around. The classroom was nearly empty.
“Charlotte?” Ms. Crim asked hesitantly. She was standing by me, an anxious look on her face.
“Charlie.” I corrected automatically. “I’m fine. My imagination just got carried away I guess.”
Really carried away. None of my daydreams had ever been as vivid as that one. And when had the story turned into a tragedy? That wasn’t the direction I’d been going for.
“Do you need to go to the nurse?” She asked.
“I don’t think…” Before I could finish, Gray butted in.
“I’ll take her.” He said, a strange expression on his face. It was…protective? I frowned at him.
“I’m fine.” I insisted.
“Humor me.” He said. He offered his hand, but I ignored it. I stood up and slung my bag over my shoulder. Ms. Crim offered a tiny smile.
The minute we stepped out into the hallway and out of her hearing, I turned on him.  

Call Me Nefret

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 03, 2012 5:36 pm
this is sooooo goooood heart rofl 4laugh heart 3nodding blaugh heart i LOOOVE it  
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