My Poem: Your thoughts?

[Masked_Ven]

Can’t mask the pain of being ashamed of my body and frame
Slain by the words that my friend has gained with the glances of false hope in those eyes
Do they really want my demise?
Even though I have heard the cries of those begging to be free; like me
One day to be within the trinity.
Maybe I’m the epitome of a living tree pulling roots into your psyche.
Or am I the waving cat on my mother’s living room shelf: stopped by two broken batteries. Who only speaks like Charlie Chaplin with such silent words?
Paws grasping to gain the courage to leave everything behind and become a great artist like Diane Arbus.
I find it funny that something so small can transform into something so tall in a course of a lifetime.
But what do I know?
This writing in my hand is like a second nature to me while the church may condemn our kind as freaks of nature.
I am not the lord or his word; I just want to be heard.
And if this is treason; let me be damned …
I know I was made for a reason.

 

[Masked_Ven]

Vampire Hunter Mari

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! I love it.

Thank you!
<3
I actually want to write a book of poems about LGBTQ issues and other issues.
So, thanks for the feedback.

 

[PixiecuTT]

If you aren't looking for actual feedback, disregard the following. :3

Some of the imagery is interesting, and I'm left feeling somewhat curious. To me, that's a good thing.

The line about the waving cat made me smile. I think you could work with that memory. I would suggest experimenting with your wording in order to make it flow better. That actually brings me to my next point...

You might want to work on making the poem a little more...unified, I guess. As a whole, it isn't cohesive. You have a good start, but it needs work in order to achieve consistency throughout the whole piece.

For example, it starts out with a lot of rhyming (maybe it isn't intentional, but it's there), and almost has a sort of discernible rhythm going, but that gets abandoned by the 7th line.

There are also some thoughts that seem unfinished or out of place with the rest of the poem. The line about drinking at the Coffee Bean in the mall seems like it wandered in from somewhere else. If it's truly relevant to what you're trying to communicate, then you might need to elaborate, or reword things. Right now, it doesn't really work with the other lines you've written. If it isn't really that important, you could probably express yourself more a lot more clearly without that reference. (Ditto the Diane Argus name-drop.)

Finally, you should double-check some of your punctuation, particularly your semi-colons.

If you decide to keep working on it, I would be interested in reading your next draft. smile Like I said, I am curious.

Oh! Not sure if you're interested, but there's a great little guide to poetry here on Gaia. It's definitely worth a look!  

[RowenthaDark]

great freelance, loved it.....ill read all the poems you post because this is good.  

[Kebin13]

This is REALLY GOOD, now I must read more of your poetry.
(Do you have a Deviant art where i can read all your poetry?)  

[Meeatu]

I'll serve as a reprieve from who are people to afraid of offending you to offer any actual aid.

Masked_Ven

mask the pain

What a tired metaphor.

Masked_Ven

ashamed of my body and frame[FULLSTOP]

The rhyme feels 'tacked on' at the end.
Not that it doesn't fit the meter, it simply doesn't add anything to the poem,
it only serves to highlight how rough a job the poem is.

Also, this line in it's entirety is hardly expressing an interesting emotion or opinion.

Masked_Ven

Slain by the words

Meh, not so bad.
Not exactly original, but certainly less cliche'd and banal than the rest so far.

Masked_Ven

that my friend

Unless you've done it on purpose, this is a poor choice of words.
The narrator until this point carried an almost biblical dramatic flair which empowered him (her) and gave the poem power.

This phrase strips it of any power it had gained because (although not entirely colloquial) it gives off a very vague, blase', even teenage voice to the narrator.

Masked_Ven

has gained [COMMA] with the glances of false hope in those [HIS/HER WORKS BETTER] eyes

Maybe I'm simply not understanding this sentence due to pure stupidity,
but I find it's syntax utterly confusing.
My advice is to strip away some of that prolex and simply say what you mean.

Masked_Ven

Do they really want my demise?

I like this line.
A rhetoric, a break from the rigidity of the poems grammatical and rhythmic structure:
It adds interest to the poems feel.

Masked_Ven

Maybe I’m the epitome of a living tree [COLON]

This doesn't make sense.

Masked_Ven

pulling roots into your psyche.

...and you're back with another cliche'

Masked_Ven

Or am I the waving cat on my mother’s living room shelf[COLON]

A well known parable would have been more effective here,
it would give the reader something to relate to.

Masked_Ven

forever stopped by two broken batteries[SEMICOLON]

The batteries themselves do not stop the cat, as this line suggests;
It is the fact that the batteries are broken which causes the cat to stop.

Masked_Ven

and who only talks like Charlie Chapin with such silent words[QUESTIONMARK]

"Only" feels like the wrong word to use.
I'm not sure why: perhaps it belittles Charlies voice,
which I know is the point of the line,
but I suppose that it feels odd to have silence as a weakness from someone so successful.

Masked_Ven

...and become a great artist like Diane Arbus then to be someone’s other half.

Far too specific.
Anonymity is your friend.
You want the poem to be translatable to anyone and their separate aspirations.
The purpose of this line is to signify hopes/dreams or to indicate a decisive step.
These are all things that can be done in a million different ways, so allow them to be.

Masked_Ven

But what do I know?

Another welcome reprieve.
I like it.
This is a much better way to change the narrators voice
(if the previous related comment I made was incorrect in assuming you had done such by accident.)

Masked_Ven

My life is just beginning; really

This grammar is wrong.
I'd correct it for you, but it's so wrong that I don't even quite know what you mean by it.

Masked_Ven

Then this;[SUPERFLUOUS] writing,[NOCOMMA] is second nature to me[FULLSTOP]

I don't understand how this line ties in to the rest of the poem.
Also; you want to make absolute sure of the truth of that statement before you publish it...

Masked_Ven

I am not the lord or his word; I just want to be heard.
And if this is treason; let me be damned …
I know I was made for a reason.

I don't mind this part at all.
I mean, it's blunt in what it has to say, and not at all intelligent,
but that mirrors the emotion it's trying to convey.  

[Masked_Ven]

Kebin13

This is REALLY GOOD, now I must read more of your poetry.
(Do you have a Deviant art where i can read all your poetry?)

No, but I'll make one.