1. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

2.Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3.If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

4. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

7. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b***h.

8. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

9. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

11. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

12. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

13. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

14. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

15. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

16. The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

17. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

18. Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

19. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

20. It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

21. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

22. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

23. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

24. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

25. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

26. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

27. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

28. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

29. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

30. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

31. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t..."

32. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

33. Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

34. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

35. To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

36. Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.

37. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

38. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth

39. 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

40. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.

41. They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

42. Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!

43. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

44. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

45. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?

46. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

47. I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

48. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

49. We are all part of the ultimate statistic - ten out of ten die.

50. Strangers have the best candy.

51. The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy".

52. Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

53. If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

54. I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.

55. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

56. Early to bed, early to rise ensures a healthy, dull demise

57. If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let's get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

58. Answering Machine: "Hi! I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message. If I don't call back, it's you."

59. My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

60. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

61. Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...

62. The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

63. Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

64. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

65. Against stupidity, the gods themselves struggle in vain.

66. Did the aliens forget to remove your a**l probe?

67. Don't eat vegetables because insects use them as their love pads, and who knows what kind of STDs They're carrying.

68. Don't try to outweird me--I get stranger things then you free with my breakfast cereal.

69. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

70. I was born weird -- this terrible compulsion to behave normally is the result of childhood trauma.

71. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

72. I'm not shy -- I'm studying my prey.

73. Calories make the world go round.

74. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

75. Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

76. Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

77. I'm 0 for 145 at pulling random books on people's bookcases and having it lead to a secret passageway.

78. Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% of battery remaining.

79. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

80. Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

81. If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.