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 Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 9:07 pm
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I know this sounds oh so familiar to most people.
But I don't know what else to call it. I think I am loosing my sanity. Maybe that's a bit dramatic but I'm leaving you to decide if I'm right. Because I sure as hell wouldn't know. The stress I've been going through this past year has been getting to me and it seems that this new school year is the beginning of my breaking point. I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm angry. Angry with myself, saddened with how pathetic I've turned out, and scared of what I might do or what will become of me in the future. The internet is the last place I would ever want to talk about this sort of thing. But believe me when I say it is the last place I can talk about it.
Let me explain to you my situation. I am an eighteen year old living at home with my parents and younger sister. I have been enrolled in online school for the past year and this new school year as well. I really, don't have any reason to complain. And I mean none..... My family doesn't hit me, I'm not abused, I'm not bullied by others. That being said I should be relatively happy. But I'm not. And I don't know why.... well I have a few theories but nothing really solid.
There are times when I get in fights with my parents and I can't stop crying and it feels as if every fiber of my being just wants to stop. Just shut down and die and honestly I want to. If it were not for the whole pain factor I would gladly jump off the roof of my house or do whatever necessary to stop feeling this way. I am immature, I throw fits over the smallest things. I'm over emotional, I tend to cry about anything and everything that sends the slightest bad memory or stress to my thoughts. I feel as if I am the largest burden to my parents that has ever existed. They don't like when I talk negatively and really almost everything I have to say is negative. But who else can I talk to? If 'online school' didn't give you a hint I'll say it outright. I don't have any friends. Not anymore. After I left public school everyone stopped talking to me. I don't know how to make friends with those I barely know and it seems practically impossible to carry out a lengthy conversation with anyone. I'm alone. Completely and utterly alone. I can't talk to my family about this sickening depression I feel because every time I even think about it I just explode. Tears and loud tones everywhere. And it turns into an argument because I am incapable of controlling my emotions enough to speak calmly. My parents work very hard and get up at early hours in the morning to go to work so I don't blame them for not wanting to talk to me about these feelings I'm having. I know what I'm saying probably doesn't make much sense.... Here are some examples of what I mean....
When I was younger and even today, when I walk behind my parents and my sister in the mall or on the street I see how happy they are and how much better off they would be if I wasn't around.
My dad yells at me about my grades and I will feel this deafening guilt inside me and just start breaking down. If I try to talk I am immediately shut down and told to shut up. If a negative word slips out from either of my parents such as "pathetic", I begin to tell myself that is exactly what I am and that by saying that and by their reactions I truly must be a pathetic human being.
I have difficulty talking to strangers when I am around my family. If they are around I will speak softly to the point that whoever I am speaking to will barely understand me.
I hate being looked at and yet I want attention and I want people to know how I feel. But if the opportunity arose where I could speak to someone about how I feel I am afraid I might portray a bad image of my parents or myself in general. And so I avoid it as much as possible.
During deep moments of depression I feel out of control, sobbing to the point that I feel as if something inside me is dying and feeling absolutely hopeless. Even praying that I will die. I run thumb tacks across my upper arm till it leaves bright red marks or breaks the skin.
I suck at math. I have never passed a single state math test in all my life. I'm serious. I've passed the classes, barely, but never the state tests. I don't know if I could mentally handle a job and I know I won't make it into any colleges and don't really want to. Unfortunately I have no idea what I want to do as far as my career. I like art, but it isn't something I think I could turn into an actual career. I'm not that good.... I don't really have any skills. At least nothing I could put to use. And now I have a huge a** five page assignment I have to write about my high school and 'future' plan. Five pages.... about me..... not going to college..... and then what? I have nothing planned because I have nothing to go off of. So now I have nothing to write.
At times of extreme sadness or stress I have thoughts of killing myself but like I said I know I would never do it whether it be because of the pain I'd have to endure {Because yes, I am a chicken} or because I know it wouldn't be right. But they are still there. I often have breakdowns at least once a week or every other week.
I don't know what to do. I can't go to a doctor to talk about getting medication for depression { If I have depression, that is. } And I feel alone. I could never go through an entire conversation about this with my parents. They wouldn't be able to handle it because it stresses them out whenever I talk to them about anything negative that I feel. I have no one to talk to about these things. I have no where to go. I don't know what to do. And whenever these feelings of stress vanish, it is almost like my entire memory of how I felt does too. The only way to recall how terrible I feel at that moment in time is when I am having a break down or I'm in a depressed mood.
I feel slightly better after typing this all out. I just want to know from an outside point of view..... Do I sound insane? I know no one here { from what I have heard } is a doctor but I just want to know if there is any theories or if anyone might be feeling the same way. Because I am truly lost in this world. I can barely get up in the morning. I don't even leave the house anymore... I just need to know if this is normal.
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Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 9:15 pm
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Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 9:31 pm
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What are you studying in your online school?
I was bad in math when we started to learn... complicated algebra. I got a tutor, ask question to the prof, worked hard (do a lot of math exercices). That's my advice on how to improve at school. Since you study in a online school, I dunno how it works. It might not be efficient for you. Maybe you are the type of person that need to attend a school, meet people and socialize.
Maybe you are really in depression... I don't believe in medication. I think therapy/counselling should be the first option and then medication. Because, sometimes you just need advice...
Parents... are like that... They yell at you about everything you do wrong (bad grades or what so ever). It's because they care, but they show it badly. Unfortunately, many people have parents like that... It just makes us angry...
Like if they didn't care, they'll laugh at you... Laughing because you got poor grades. It happened to me, it wasn't my parents, just someone that likes to poke fun of people weakness compared to him/her.
You'll learn to be resilient. Or, you'll learn to cope it.
Because that's what happened to me, I argue with my mom in so many things, but still we only have each other and we live together. So... It's like a mutal ''I forgive you''...
I cry a lot when she reprimanded me or argue... She would say very harsh things: You're only good at crying ! You know nothing else ! You study so much but yet you don't know to think.
For almost a week, I didn't talk to my mom. Not a single word except Yes/No.
She never apologizes. However she tried to start a conversation with me so I knew... she just maybe didn't mean it.
Before, I felt I was a burden. I guess I am still. But chase away those thought. Whatever, it is or not. You are a member of this family, it's normal to take care of each other even if someone gives more trouble. As long as, you try to improve things...
I am a negative person, too... I try to not think negatively. It takes motivation and time... To every negative thought, find the opposite, find something that contradicts it.
Finally, I think you should do something to meet people in real life and make friends that you can hang out with.
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Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 9:36 pm
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Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2012 10:40 am
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Hello. Sorry this is a bit late, but after reading that, I can say without a doubt you are not going insane. I was very much in the same boat as you last year. It always felt so close to breaking, but never quite broke. I had more or less backed myself into a corner emotionally. I felt burnt out, and wasn't for what was ahead of me. It was scarey.
There were a few things that I think really helped me.
1. Writing.
Whenever I felt close to my breaking point. I'd just write what I was thinking, as I thought it, word for word. I'd usually remain fairly calm thanks to this, and if I did cry, it was the silent cry... not the hysterical kind.
2. Volunteering.
It was a two day, once a year thing. A local festival needed volunteers. I'd help with parking, or hand out flyers. I made mistakes, but they didn't mind. They wanted me to return the next year, which I did. I wasn't perfect at it, but it was something I could do that someone actually apprieciated. It was great.
3. Having people to talk to.
I had people that cared, I knew, but none of them really understood, and I felt like a burden to them. I was rather surprised when I started speaking to someone online, and felt completely guiltless about it. He is now a good friend of mine, and because of him I have two other amazing people I can speak to, one of which leaves me feeling completely unjudged, and normal. It's not easy to find people like that, but I will offer you my support. I will try my best to remain open minded, so if you ever wish to talk I am willing to listen.
4. Going back to highschool for another semester.
I wasn't ready for post secondary education. I knew that. I had no clue at the time what I wanted to do, and the thought of going to a college or university terrified me. I know now that I'd be willing to work in the accounting feild for the time being, though I wouldn't want that for my entire life. What you chose isn't set in stone, you can change your mind.
As for your five page assignment, write that you're "Keeping your options open" do some research about volunteer opertunities, job listings, local colleges and universities, etc. Even if you're not seriously concidering any of them, write about them anyway. A lot of people don't know. My sister, who is in her twenties doesn't even know yet. |
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Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2012 4:33 pm
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You are so hard on yourself cry
Quote: I am immature, I throw fits over the smallest things. I'm over emotional, I tend to cry about anything and everything that sends the slightest bad memory or stress to my thoughts.
This may sound cheesy but there is nothing wrong with feeling a way. Emotion is a part of you. The deepest, most human part. Saying its wrong is like denying the very thing that makes you who and what you are. Don't feel bad for feeling bad. You just do. We all do. Some do more (like you and i 4laugh ) Some do less (like my bf -_-). But never feel like you are wrong for feeling that way because you are not. 3nodding
Quote: I feel as if I am the largest burden to my parents that has ever existed. They don't like when I talk negatively and really almost everything I have to say is negative. But who else can I talk to? If 'online school' didn't give you a hint I'll say it outright. I don't have any friends. Not anymore. After I left public school everyone stopped talking to me. I don't know how to make friends with those I barely know and it seems practically impossible to carry out a lengthy conversation with anyone. I'm alone. Completely and utterly alone. I can't talk to my family about this sickening depression I feel because every time I even think about it I just explode. Tears and loud tones everywhere. And it turns into an argument because I am incapable of controlling my emotions enough to speak calmly. My parents work very hard and get up at early hours in the morning to go to work so I don't blame them for not wanting to talk to me about these feelings I'm having. I know what I'm saying probably doesn't make much sense....
You blame yourself for things out of your control. The bottomline: you can't control your parents opinions of you. You can only influence them by your actions and some times what you do will not always be what someone else wants. The most perfect child in the world can do everything to make their parents happy, everything they ever asked (or ordered) and still come up short. This is not their fault. This is the fault of the other person for having unrealistic expectations (and parents aren't always right-- BELIEVE, you, me! I've been through some stuff with my 'rents!) And if they've been treated like that themselves it may be impossible to make them see the simple fact that those expectations are unrealistic-- they've lived with things that way for too long.
The only control you do have (and believe it or not you do have some control over them) is over your own emotions and the kind of power you allow someone to have over you. You have to realise that you are not so powerful that you can MAKE someone hate you, or MAKE them get angry at something you say. Just like you can't MAKE someone fall in love with you. You can't control how they feel. What they feel is what they feel.
It took me all these years to figure that out. I consider myself over-emotional too. I used to take everything anyone said personally if it applied to me in some way. Talk about someone fat? They must be referring to me. I was a cutter since I was 11 and still struggle with those urges when I'm depressed.
But you have to learn to make allowances for yourself. It's okay if you don't have any friends since you left school, maybe you haven't given yourself the opportunities to go make friends? Regardless of what anyone says it is scary meeting anyone new, but they are just people too. They can only hurt you with words and certain actions as much as you let them. They're not going home with you to live your life so why should it matter what they say about you if thats going to be the only interaction you're ever going to have with them? People stray from uncertainty and you sound very uncertain about yourself. And very critical. Relax. I know how fricking hard that can be! sweatdrop But really step back and try not be so judgmental about everything you do. You're the only one that really has to live with you (I mean you're the one inside your head) so work on making yourself who YOU want to be. Not what you think everyone else wants you to be. Because they can want, want and boohoo about how you are not who they wish you would be all they want but at the end of the day they go back into their own heads and you're the one who has to live with your situation.
You have to do whats best for you even if that means not caring what your parents say or think because if its causing you this much pain its not worth it. Something that hurts you is not worth it no matter how much others try to convince you it is. It is not them that has to live with the pain. Your well-being is worth more than their personal feelings. Your emotions matter and they SHOULD want to talk to you about it especially if its something thats hurting their kid. If they don't or can't, well, they suck! But thats just how some people are.
Never think your problems are not important. Never think what you're feeling doesn't matter. And please don't think I am putting you down in any way. I fully get where you are coming from. Like I said it took me a long time to come to the place I'm at where I can look at it like this. And it took me alot of talking about my problems to come to grips with them. If you need someone to talk to and make actual conversation with feel free to add me but u don't have to. I just know how hard it is not having anyone who understands.
Try to stay strong and remember that you are worth it! emotion_hug
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Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 7:24 pm
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Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2012 11:31 am
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You're very welcome! Hold on to that burst of whatever 3nodding Nows the time when you're open to new possibilities. You'll encounter a lot of walls but if you keep your cool and remember its okay at this time to be confused about things, even natural, because you are figuring out who you are, you'll make it through. Try to remember that things are only as hard as you make them out to be. People can try to make them harder for you, it might even seem like they are succeeding, but only you decide, in the end, how you are going to react to a situation. When you take that power back into your own hands you realise how little other people can hurt you.
So glad we could help! The color of your pain was reminiscent, it made me burn inside at the memories of my own past; I was incredibly hard on myself too, still am. I just realised that putting yourself down is useless. You have to live with you forever so you might as well make some peace, ya know? Instead of hating the way you are work on yourself to become who you want to be. ^_^ I can't guarantee absolute happiness but I can promise you'll be in a better place than you were before. At the least, you'll know more about yourself and we can all use a little self-enlightenment. wink
Stay strong! gaia_crown
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