Can't stop thinking...

[Spanish Rice Cat]

'Bout my shitty-a** past.
I know... lots of people will just say 'get over it' or 'try to forget it' I'm sorry, but that hasn't worked. I have trouble with forgetting things like this. But not once has it worked... so here goes nothing.
I know its long.. but I've got to get it all out of my system.

When I was a little kid my parents had no time for me. They dropped me and my brother and sister at a hell-house for what felt like days on end. The people there were cruel and always favored my older sister above me. In short, because I was different looking, people treated me like I was a monster. They ignored me and yelled at.
When I saw my parents, they were always angry and would treat us like pack animals and expect us to know what to do. No one ever stood up for me when I was being bullied and I was always expected to take the blame. Because of this, I naturally felt dehumanized and became more submissive.
I saw things there... horrible things that haunted me for years. I saw them beat up one of the other kids. I saw male-male actions. I saw weird fetishs.
I remember, later when I was fifteen, learning my sister was assaulted by one of the older boys that lived there.
My memories have blended a bit, so I can't know if these all are in order. But anyways, they (my siblings) often beat me up and never got in trouble. But when I did a single thing wrong, it was 'my fault'.
Even at my only outside sanctuary, school, I was bullied for being to 'ugly'. I tried but I always failed the curriculum. I never ever succeeded in school. I never had any friends. I never did my homework and I never even tried to pay attention. The only times I felt like an equal to my classmates was when I was with my teacher, who was truly a kind soul. I really didn't know what was going on so I wasn't a weepy child. In fact, few actually knew that about me. I was quiet and shy though, as a result. People not only called me ugly because of it, but they would bully me for being a 'freak'.
Any happiness I had there ended in fifth grade. Mid fifth to be precise. We moved. Yes, it happens all the time. Yes, it shouldn't have anything bearing on my future. But it did.
My new school was worse. I was put in a portable with other children who were failing, which was the ultimate humiliation you could put on a timid eleven year old girl.
We rented a crappy house on a cul-de-sac about six hundred miles from my original house. I only showered once every few weeks because my sister seemed to always hog the bathroom for her makeup. I had to leave quickly. She had more time because she rode a different bus.
I stank and I was tormented for it. There was never any food to eat, so I more often then not went without lunch and breakfast, and my mom refused to help me get lunch. My brother became more seclusive and my sister stopped playing with me.
I lost weight and as a way to relieve some of my anger, I began to read books. I read and I read. Whatever I could find, I read. I read readers digest, harry potter books and even a book on how to dismantle a radio. Even in my new life, people still called me a freak.
In the afternoons, I'd walk the mile home and then boot up the computer and go to NeoPets. It was so lonely in the days. I arrived every day to an empty house. A while later, my dad would get home with my brother. My sister would show up later and sometime in the night, the door would creak open and my mom would be back. My insomnia kept me awake countless hours in the night so my mom usually got back around two or three.
I don't really remember having contact with anyone during this period. I didn't go anywhere or do anything memorable. My memories of this time really just make me feel alone and sickened. I couldn't and still to this day, can't stand the stifling nature of cities. House and after house- no large expansions of green and trees. It makes my brain hurt...
The best memory I have is sitting in the old dodge in the side yard with my older sister pretending we were driving to Grandzella's. It was February so she gave me a small bag of heart-shaped candies. Apparently they were from a boy that had a crush on her but she wasn't interested.
After a while we began to work on the new house out in the country while living in the rental. I took up story writing here to rid myself of some angst I was enduring. Then, I began to have nightmares. They made the insomnia worse. But no one cared, they were to busy with themselves to notice.
Luckily, we moved. Things began to change. We worked on house while living there. I finished the year up at my school and then spent the summer exploring the country side.
My brother introduced me unintentionally into Incubus, Rob Dougan, Creed and other bands. He'd play them in the daytime while I would lay around. The upstairs was under construction so I slept in the den with my parents. My siblings slept in the other room. In the day I'd ride my scooter down the road. We lived so far out there were never any cars. I made it a game to sit at the end of the drive and count the cars.

School started and I realized how timid I was. Even talking to people made my legs shake in terror at them. I hated the looks in peoples eyes when they judged me. I really was terrified at being cast out again. As a result I took to reading books again. Every recess, even in class, I had a book. I won an award for that.
But a few years passed before my real problem began. Please don't discredit me. Its a shame of mine but I just can't get from it. It started when I was fifteen. I began to watch porn, and in large quantities. But mostly, gay.
I couldn't help it. I merely referred it back to what I saw as a child. Though I don't think I was ever assaulted, it became one of my strange obsessions. I didn't care what the world would think if they knew. I really was into it. I spent days re-watching one video, reading gay fanfics and watching/reading yaoi.
My favorites were bondage in particular. But mostly in manga. I just couldn't and still can't watch it. It comforts me when I'm down. Even today I make up characters and make them er... do their things.
When I was sixteen I was expelled from my high-school for being 'creepy'. Indeed. The people their were more dehumanizing then any I'd faced. They bullied me, they put paper in my hair when I slept, kicked me and laughed at me all of my freshman year.
There was this one incident... where I was on the bus. This fake slut started yelling 'OMG IT SMELLS LIKE PERIOD ON HERE'. She kept yelling it aloud, so I said just what I thought. "No one cares..'
Then she started cussing at me and ripping out my hair. She called me every cuss word there was. She kicked my seat. I'd already had a bad day then.. I was depressed at the time and suffering badly.
And the worst blow hit me. My sister, the one person I'd stayed loyal to regardless of all she abused me, sided with the bully. She insulted me as well. I felt so bad I actually couldn't stop crying. The girl wouldn't leave me alone and my friend wasn't at school to stand up for me. She'd stepped on a nail so she was at home.
I remember that ******** whore actually said 'oh good the b***h is gone' when I go up and left for my stop. I only resent that today I didn't sucker punch that whore in her filthy c**-smeared c**k-sucking mouth.
Then, my sister had the nerve to try and apologize to me on the walk home from the bus stop. She'd grabbed my arm and kept saying 'I'm sorry, i didn't mean it.'
I remember I responded with the coldest thing I could muster. Then I ran home and locked myself in my room. She never did try to later apologize.. I wonder why.
My sophomore year, I began to go solo. I hung out with no one and distanced myself from my friend. I began to creep on my enemies of last year. I followed them around smiling like a rapist. I'd locate them at lunch and watch them eat. I wouldn't blink. I'd stare.
I'd follow people around and slid notes into their backpacks. Sometimes I'd threaten them. Then after a while, I was thrown out of school halfway through the year for it. I changed schools again to where I am now
But don't forget the month of solitude. I went a full month of being alone and almost went mad.
Then I started up at my current school. I was ready to creep on whoever bullied me first and kept my distance from the other students. I'd cropped off all my long hair so I looked like a boy. I guess people thought that, too.
It was a tiny school, so I really had nowhere to hide- a place with only around two hundred students.
Yet, even in those small halls, people approached me. I don't know if it was out of pity or curiosity, but they introduced themselves. I was uncertain so I made no reply and found the least crowded spot which was behind a bulletin board and hid.
Now, I'm in my junior year. I admit I've opened up but I still watch male-male porn secretly, but mostly manga style. I can't tell nobody. I've met two open gays and actually meeting real gays again... terrifies me. Can you be a homophobic who loves gays, I wonder?
But then I think I may love women more then men, making me a gay as well... I mean I CAN pass for a boy, but not a cute one so yeah...
Anyways, thanks for reading.. there is a lot of text but I really just want to know what I should do. Its been weighing on my mind for so long, all of that past is affecting me today. I can't stop thinking of all this s**t. There is more, but I'm not going to make you read it...
I've been depressed a lot because of this and watching a lot more porn recently to cope. I'm afraid one day my parents will find out. I mean I could try to keep a secret for eleven months...  

[Miss_XxAriaxX]

I heard that straight guys really love to see lesbians making out.. So, I guess it's not a big deal that you like to see... gays... However, the problem is that your looking at 18+ stuff and if you want to avoid the probability that someone in your family discover it you gotta stop.

I think you should leave those mangas, 18+ websites... and study instead or just read something else...

When you are bullied or abused you should talk to someone, psychologist, counselor at school or teacher... Everyone needs a little help.

I know someone that has something a bit similar (parents that didn't care about their children). However, the children learned to live without any parents guiding them and from their mistakes. They are autonomous and can defend themselves well.

The past belongs to the past. Make the present and future better.  

[zerodeoxys]

I wish I'd have been on that bus, I'd have slapped that b***h so hard the next guy she blew would have felt it.

As for your homophobic question, I, have no clue. It's odd indeed and add that on top of you possibly being lesbian then you've got one odd concoction. Then again you are still in your teen years and you're still trying to figure out just who you are. You might be a lesbian you might not, you might make a good boy or bloom into a beautiful woman. You won't know till just a little later in life, even now I'm still trying to figure my self out. In all honesty, you never truly figure your self out 100%.  

[Forever_Rose09]

I'm crying right now. And I can't stop. I can't believe what the world has come to. But I'm so glad that you kept living despite everything you've gone through. The guild accepts you, remember that...
I'm sorry to say that I don't have an answer to your question... Did you ever talk to anybody about it? Talking to someone and getting help from them helps a lot more than you think.
heart I'm proud.  

[lunaofmars]

The past is something everyone wants to forget especially if it was not one that is liked. I won't tell you to get over it, move on because it's not what you need to hear. Yes, there's going to be horrible people everywhere but they have no power over you. Your past does not represent who you are today. When you're ready to forgive the past or yourself, that's when you can truly move on. It's different for everyone, it may not be today or tomorrow, it's when you are ready to let go and move forward.  

[Sega Queen]

Wow... I'm sorry you had to live such a rough life, I'm sorry that those people did those kinda things to you.You are beautiful JUST the way you are, and you should never change a thing about yourself, Jesus loves you and made you to be beautiful in his eye sight. My advice would be: to Lift up you head, stand strong, Forget the porn, Forgive those that hurt you, even if they don't change.(but stay away and to not talk to them.) Continue reading books, call the cops if the abuse gets bad. tell the teachers or the principal, if they kids at the school is making fun of you, or hurting you an any kinda way. I'd also suggest reading the bible,(Since you like reading; It's a really good book I think you should get one.) (and if you ever do get a bible start reading at Matthews.)

I'm not trying to push my religion on you at all, PLEASE don't feel that way, these are just my suggestions, your choice if you want to use any of them, I know none of my suggestions are easy to do at all. But If your willing, please try a few of them.

(And btw: all of use are here for you! we love you!)  

[Tarrien]

You've lived a rough life. Right now, it seems if people are trying to introduce themselves to you, and are being nice about it, I would consider them to be safe enough to attempt to make friends with.

I had similar issues in school when it came to bullies, I found that the staff did barely anything for me in the long term other than offer early graduation and switching classes. Things get so much better out of school, and it sounds like you're almost out, so look forward to your graduation. I never had issues with bullying after I graduated.

When it comes to gays and etc, be friends with them because they're nice to you, and you want to be friends with them for who they are. Being gay is usually just a side note.