I don't know what's worth it any more.

[Josephine Jo]

For as long as I can remember, I've pretty much been a loner. I always felt like an outcast, even when I was with friends. But I still tried to make friends, to keep friends.

I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. To put things easily, it's really hard for me to deal with people abandoning me.

That's what keeps happening to me.

I get friends, I stay with them, feeling that I'm still an outcast, I get cast aside and forgotten.

I don't have much else in my life to live for. I'm not talented, I'm not smart, I'm not particularly sweet and caring or wonderful or anything that the people around me are. I can't even keep the same job for a year.

Last year, my ex abandoned me. His friends, which I felt were my friends, followed him. I was left with absolutely nothing and ended up trying to kill myself multiple times, but because I'm always scared of failing, it never went far enough. That sounds stupid, doesn't it? I never jumped in front of a train because I was scared of jumping and surviving with physical pain adding to the feeling inside of me. Wanted to slice myself open but couldn't out of fear I'd miss places and take hours to bleed to death.

I've since somewhat recovered with the help of friends, but... those friends abandoned me now. One of them has a new boyfriend, one of them never talks any more, others live in completely wrong time zones, others simply completely separated themselves from me.

And I really, really don't know if it's worth it any more. Trying to get relationships with other people. Given that it's all that I have, I'd have to return back to where I was. I've been having the same thoughts I had as when I tried to commit suicide again, and I don't know if it's worth it to try any more, because eventually I'm going to go back to ground zero again. What's the point in investing in relationships with people when you know they'll eventually leave you again, probably sooner rather than later?

If it weren't that I was forced to move in with my sister, I'd have called in sick for work now and I'd probably be trying to swallow stuff that's bad for me again.

Please tell me why life is worth it, because I'm feeling more and more that it isn't. As for the borderline, they refused to treat me when I preferred euthanasia over treatment, so... I really need help.  

[sweet sarahdelphine]

Don't try killing yourself. Their are people out there that can help you! There are services you should try. There are people you should meet. If you are still in school then maybe you could go to a new school and try meet different people there.  

[Josephine Jo]

Services don't accept you if you'd rather die, even if it's part of the symptoms of your disorder. People will just abandon me. I'm already graduated.  

[Miss_XxAriaxX]

Josephine Jo

Services don't accept you if you'd rather die, even if it's part of the symptoms of your disorder. People will just abandon me. I'm already graduated.

Why do you think services don't accept you if you'd rather die ?

Suicide is a problem and psychologist are there to help people suffering from depression and disorders...

Reasons to live vary from individuals. Because we are all different, we don't have the same goals etc...

In general people would say for love, for family, for friends.

Friends can come and go. This is why something we feel that we are left alone. That's why it's important to be positive and be open to be friends with more people ...

Is there a family member that you feel confortable in talking about this ?

When I was in depression, I talked to my mom. It really helped me out. I didn't give up making friends even if I lost some.

People tend to be friends with happy and positive people. This is something I realize from my personal experience, and so I try to be happy, smile ... joke around.... People want to enjoy life, want to be happy and like to be with ''positive'' people. The friendship will grow and friends will be there in your hard time as well as you will be for them.

Everyone has issues in life. Some more than others.
I struggle in finding a job, in feeling confident and many other things...
I feel worthless because I can't find a job, but I still live.

Start to be grateful to what you have rather than looking only a the things you don't have (when I say things it includes also friends, not ''materials'').

Find something you like to do. It brings happiness in your life.
It as simple as eating your favorite meal or dessert. Walking in a park and appreciate the trees and the birds...

Another thing is leisure... Watching your favorite shows... I love K-pop. So, I've been watching a lot of K-variety shows that are funny. It brings me joy.

Cleaning my room, so things are organized and it feels good and clean...

There are many things.. to bring out the "positive'', the joy, the happiness...
With that, it changes your mood and it changes your life perspective.

If you can afford it... You have a job... Try counselling, any sort of service like that. Open up your problems to a professional.

Because it is not necessarily Gaia that can help you out from your disorder and depression.  

[Forever_Rose09]

Don't say that... If you kill yourself you're only going to kill the people around you and anybody who cares about you.
I agree with Aria, finding something leisurely and something you like doing could help with depression. My advice would be find a purpose. Find something you have a talent for and build on that. I love acting. I guess it's exaggerating if I said I live for it, but I love it, so my goal is to get even better at it. If you have a goal, you'll have a reason to continue, something you want to achieve. Maybe you could even express yourself through it. Talk to someone. And you aren't alone, you're a part of this guild, right? Everyone here is willing to listen to you. Maybe things are rocky now, but isn't it strange to think the person you're going to marry one day is walking on the earth right now? You have a wonderful life ahead of you, so keep living to see it. heart