|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Fri Nov 09, 2012 11:55 pm
 |
|
|
 |
I chose this forum to ask my questions because I don't want anyone underage to see this perspective of consequences when you build a family.
My questions concern raising kids with your boyfriend or husband. If you are a single mother you can answer too like (if this happens... I would...).
When you are expecting a child. Have you discussed with your partner how to deal with all the chores (feeding baby, buying food, cleaning, changing diapers) ?
Does your partner participate in raising the child and helps you complete the chores?
If you have different ways to raise kids, have you discussed about that before? For example, A would punish the child with a slap (on the a**) , while B doesn't want to.
Here is the 18+ question.
When you raise kids, you have so many things to do that you can ''run out of time''. You don't have time to make love. How do you deal with that ? Because sex is like a desire to satisfy that can lead into cheating...
Like when one is unsatisfied, he/she will cheat and looks like usually, it's the person that has the time to do it, not the one that is freaking tired everyday.
--------------------------------
I am 22 and I am not expecting a child at all.
Building a family can be a dream for many.It can be unexpected or expected.
I don't know how many of you are singlemothers. It must be really hard.
Why am I asking all those questions? I just want to know. Because I saw my parents tear our family apart (so, they are not a good model for me), I wonder how I can avoid theses problems if it would happen to me.
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2012 12:15 pm
|
|
|
|
With my husband and I, we discussed everything when we found out I was pregnant. But it wasn't one of those things where we sat down and talked about it all at once, it was a gradual over the 40 weeks things. Punishment, religion, holidays, family; all that type of stuff came into perspective.
As for the chores, at first I breastfed, so that was solely me, we split everything else. We still take turns with diapers and baths and putting down for naps and doing feedings.
As for sex, it does get hard but we normally do it during nap time, or at night before bed. And, when we are lucky, we get a babysitter and then we have a 'break', which is sometimes just a couple hours to ourselves in the evening. But it is nice. What you need to remember is to do things for yourself. And if you love each other there will be no cheating. Because, trust me, if he is taking care of his child too, then he will be just as tired as you. But actually, it isn't all that tiring of a thing. At first t is a bit of an adjustment, but then you get used to it and everything returns to normal. Sex included. AND, if you are like me then sex can actually become BETTER after childbirth.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 6:16 am
|
|
|
|
Well, to be honest I am a 16 year old single mother and I believe that it's slightly easier than it would have been granted the father had stayed with me.
As far as chores and things there should always be a balance. While the child is still an infant, the father and mother should do every-other night with getting up to feed/change diaper/etc. Monday, the man gets up. Tuesday, the woman gets up. This keeps both from getting to exhausted in the course of a week. Of course the partner should participate in raising the child. When the father gets home from work he should play with the child, feed the child, interact with the child. Otherwise they will not form a strong bond and it could be detrimental to the health of the family later on. As far as punishing and reprimanding the child it is all up for debate. I personally don't have a problem with spanking. I don't have a problem with having them sit in the corner, and I don't have an issue with making a child sit at the table until they have finished their food. (One thing that my mother did when my brother, sister, or I didn't like one thing on our plates, she would let us trade it with something else of equal amount and nutrition) I think it's fair and I don't believe that a child can grow up to learn boundaries, respect, or any of those other vital things without proper punishment for misbehaving. If the child hits you, you spank them. They will link the experience of hitting you to getting spanked and chances are they wont do it again. If they do, they will get spanked again and at some point it'll get through to them. If the mother and father do not agree on the manner in which to punish their child then they need to compromise on both ends. Find a reasonable halfway point. That's what a partnership is about, finding a balance and working together. And that is very important when a child is involved. Sexual complications happen. Once you have a child there will be long periods of time in which you will not have the time to have sex. Once the child is old enough though, you can always get a baby-sitter and go rent a hotel for the night and relax with your partner. Cheating should never be a thing. If the man or woman gets drunk and in one form or another cheats on their partner, they should be honest with their partner and talk about why did it happen, and how can it be prevented in the future. It can be avoided. It just takes communication and some creativity.
I hope this helped.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2012 12:04 pm
|
|
|
|
Our daughter was planned, and yes, everything there (religion, punishment, parenting methods and ideals etc.) are all things we began discussing before we even started trying for a baby.
Not just discussing, but also researching, and we both still continue to research and finetune our parenting methods now; we see what works, what doesn't, take into account anything that we might have been missing etc. and adjust our parenting methods accordingly.
As for chores, we split everything, and supported each other.
We both gave her baths, we both dressed her, we both changed her. Even though I was breastfeeding when she was small and my husband couldn't do that, he would still get up with me for night feedings, and cuddle both of us while I nursed her, just because it really helped me to feel supported.
I know a lot of men (especially if their partner is on maternity leave or a stay-home-mum) get an ugly "I work all day so you should do everything for the kid" attitude, and honestly, that's where relationships fall apart and people become unhappy.
My husband understood that looking after the baby could be both exhausting and draining, and although I was at home, I was still "working"... only I didn't get lunch breaks or time off.
And I honestly think that his attitude being so appreciative and understanding is what kept us so strong as a couple through the difficult baby phase.
As for sex specifically, I think that the key to maintaining a happy, mutually satisfying sex life is to keep your relationship strong and don't take each other for granted.
The more you love, respect and appreciate each other, the more you're going to want to have sex.
And if you're in the mood, but your partner is too exhausted? Masturbate.
Because again, if you really love, respect and appreciate someone, you're not going to want to cheat on them, no matter how horny you are.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2012 8:08 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2012 8:59 pm
|
|
|
|
I'm sorry that your childhood has left you with some baggage in regards to relationships and child rearing. It's great that you want to know how other people do things and try to avoid what you witnessed growing up.
I've been married for almost a decade and have two children (ages 6 & 4)...take everything with as large a grain of salt as you need. cat_wink
Raising children can be tricky, and while I think discussing beforehand is great, you'll find that in practice how you thought things would work may not be the case at all. So first and foremost, I would say that the ability to be flexible and go with the flow is one of the most helpful traits you and a partner can have when raising children. When I was pregnant with my two we did discuss most things--not just division of labor--over the course of the pregnancy and into the time after birth. Some worked, but most we had to alter course on and change our expectations. I think that if you and your partner are on the same page about a lot of things, including life philosophies, it's likely that your attitudes towards parenting are not going to be very divergent and cause conflict. So while dating and before sprogging, I think it's super important to find out these fundamentals about who you are dating. People like to romanticize about "opposites attracting" but in certain areas this is just asking for trouble. In my case, my husband and I have very little in common in most areas, but when it comes to important fundamentals, we're on the same page about all of them and that's why we work as a unit. We occasionally disagree about how to parent our children, but they're pretty minor things that can be discussed as needed and we quickly come to an agreement about what to try next.
I am a SAHM and my husband helps with quite a bit of the housework. When the children were smaller, he helped out with them as well. He'd do little things like grab and change the baby for nightly feedings and put them back to bed when they were finished. Those small gestures meant a lot. Now, he's a huge help on the weekends and helps me catch up on all of the things I can not do during the week. Two small children cause a disaster most days so I focus on maintaining and wait to do more involved cleaning until he's home. Once my children go to bed, I'm done for the day as well. (I'll load the dishwasher in the evening, but that's about it.)
That last policy helps us make time for intimacy, even if it's "just" cuddling on the couch and watching a show together in the evening. Sex is important, but there are other ways to get that closeness and maintain our bond. In the early days of having a small child, sex can be really hard to make time for; we had to schedule it for a while and commit to making it happen. Not very romantic, but it's hard to be spontaneous in the early days when you're both stressed out and tired. Eventually as children grow and you start to sleep again, you find ways to make it work. Since this is a sort of TMI topic anyway, in our case, we have sex anywhere from 1-3 times a week. When the children were smaller, it was more like once a week down to once a month depending on what was going on. (During teething periods, no one slept or was really in the mood. XD )
In regards to cheating, people often cite lack of sex as a reason for straying outside of the relationship...but I think it's more of an excuse for much larger issues. It's easier to blame not having sex than to admit to other problems. If this is happening I think the relationship is hurting and lacking in general. Something about it is broken. I think in most cases it's the friendship that existed at some point and drew the two together. I think nurturing and maintaining that friendship will go much farther and help safeguard against straying than worrying about if there's enough sex. (Sadly, I think a lot of people get together without a strong foundation to begin with and it crumbles easily when pressures like children lean on it. I have known so many couples that you could tell were not friends and did not seem to really get along. Ever. They just didn't like or respect each other. ) My 2¢ on that particular topic.
Hopefully I haven't been too long winded or pert in my opinions. Heh.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2012 10:04 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2012 7:15 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 2:53 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
