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 Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 5:00 am
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Hi,
I am relatively new to this group, but i am in love with it already! I have been looking for a safe place to write about- my world, my life occasionally or just to be heard somewhere, i think i found it. Now all i have to do is remember to speak it.
I went through a personal growth class when i was about 20 yrs old. It is the best thing i have ever done for myself, and i miss this class, this group of people that make that organiation run, I miss a lot.
My whole life, i wanted to serve god. I remember praying to him when i was just a very little girl (two and three yrs old) and asking him to let me serve him, and i wanted to help people somehow. That- is kind of strange for a small child, but remember it vividly, as i played with the ants on the tree trunk and then on the sidewalk, i had a convo with god, and it felt right.
I have repeated that pray rhoughout my life. I had a bad childhood, was abused, neglected, r*ped, beaten- it is amazzing that i found the lessons i needed to learn, some in the class, some in the people, some in me.
As an adult, i married poorly (bad choice is what i mean), and found myself in a whole different kind of abusive situation. We separated for awhile, then i was r*ped while at my job. I fell apart, in part because i believed so much in living some principles i didnt fully understand . In part i hadn't fully dealt with the abuse as a child, and didn't know how to deal as an adult.
I wanted to be a preacher when i was a teen, but the church i went to (the minister there molested me for years- and to me, i was so depressed, and was so unloved at home- i did anything for him to say he loved me.) they said "women were to be quiet in the church" ("the bible says so") was their excuse. (the truth is the verse they talk about
I ended up going thru that class repeatedly. It was free for grads, and they often used grads (like me) to help guide the class during the processes and to just help out with the participants. I helped in that way over 20 times, and because it was a very experiential class, it was different every time, because the people were different every time, so every class had a different feel, or covered things in a different way then ever before because it was so individualized.
Eventually i became the office manager for the seminars, but i wasn't able to stay long. Once i was r*ped, my husband moved mt to another state with him, and i spent a few yrs agoraphobic- terriefied to leave the house, because i "knew" everyone would hurt me. *anyone* could, anyone had the chance, would. I don't know if i would have every really gotten over that stage, wihtout my ex. I was fired the second i reported the rape to my boss, as it happened at work. He fired me immediately (which totally messed with my head). Eventually we got like 4k for wrongeful termination, even tho he "had ever right to fire me, for any cause because it was a right to work state".
Anyway, we got the 4k, and i told him to pay down bills as i wasn't working now- one day he told me to go tet in the car, and he took me to a parking lot where he had arranged to meet a breeder with 3 litters of puppies. He said to me that he save it from that 4k, because "You have to have at least one good thing that came out of that r*pe". (I hate the word, sorry, i'll write about that another time). My dog, Katie, was my one good thing. I adored her. She was trained to be a service dog, and to do therapy work. She was amazing, and odd as it sounds, as close to a soul mate as I have ever had. I had to put her down a year ago last august. She was 16 yrs old, had tumors all over, and was very sick. She still didn't want to go (she wouldn't go to sleep even when they gave her a sedative). She wanted to stay with me too.
Over the years she and I have been homeless together for 2 yrs, we got her trained, got me divorced, a career, then got sick with Multiple Sclerosis, then started to get a bit better (not as sick, but still not great). She got me through my first place after the divorce, she got me thru the second, and then she helped me survive being attacked, sexually abused again (more than once) by a stalker- she finally helped me move away from him all together and get a "new life" started. (she was special, truly awesome). As close to a soul mate as i have ever had. I miss her tons.
Anyway, today i was about to go to sleep and again asked god to show me what i could do to serve him and my fellow man. I found a tape in the hallway and realized it was some of the music from the seminar, so i put it in. As i sat just. being, and talking to god when approvpriate, it aoccurred to me, i have been asking god to help me now what to do to help others, and then help me to do it. I have wondered shy god never "showed me" what he wanted done. Today as i thought about those things, it occurred to me that i have spent my life waiting for god to telll me what to do, and God has spent my life, waiting for me to tell him how i want to serve him. He will help me, and support me in the endeavor, but it had to be my decison (or free will would be a complete farce). (lets face it, if GOD asks you to so something you would do it whether you wanted to or not! IT IS GOD. (lol) That kinda takes the "free will" thing out of it.
So while i have waited for god to tell me all these years how i could best serve him, he has been waiting for me to decide how i wanted to serve him all these years. No that i have thought about it, maybe i can make progress again.
I made a list of topics that need to be covered in a seminar should i choose to start my own "Life 101 class" (so to speak) (that is an awesome book btw).
I was a good public speaker in hs and college, place 1,2 or 3r in every event i ever competed in, (lots of thirds!) but i competed in at least five events at every tournament. Maybe not a preacher, but public speakin in a way i know would help people clarify who they are, what they want to create, and how they can do that.
I have thought about writing my own seminar for years, but have never done it. I also love to write,but i haven't written creatively in years- time to get back at it i guess.
I made a list tonight of topics that need to be covered in a similar class or what main topics i know- and i decided i will write a speech about each of the topics, just to help me clarify my purpose in discussing the topic, and become clear on what needs to be taught, or said.
I guess tonight was a break through for me. Realizing god is never going to ask me to so something, without first deciding it is something that i care about. Also that i need to *ASK* for what i want to create, instead of asking to create what god wants, i need to ask god to help me create what i feel motivated, attached, and moved by. For me, those things always will be service oriented. (well, for ME they will be, everyone chooses their own path).
I guess the only other thing i want to say is this, even though it is a little out of place. I appreciate the sticky re: abuse histories. While the topic seemed somewhat limited to sexual abuse or harassment, i would love to see a permanent place in this guild for those with abuse histories to write about their experiences, or what they are doing to heal, or how it still hurts them, ANYTHING to do with abuse history. No flaming, no judgement is really acceptable in those places, but with everyone having similar issues, helps cuz no ones wants to be judged on those issues, so it is easier to not judge others (well, it is for me anyway).
I tried to write my history in that thread several times, and i had it disappear more than once, (took to long writing it), I have several copies with me, all that i gave out tmi, and .. i guess i was just nervous. I have had an abuse history that franklly-- is horrific. I've been told that by others, i think having new abusers in my adult life has had a profound impact on me. It isn't just cuz i was small, or easily manipulted.... or? (all the reasons we normally give to excuse hating the part of ourselves that lived thru that experience.) I have forgiven myself, and have forgiven some of my abusers, some .... i still am working on. I do understand that forgiving them has nothing to do with forgiving what they did, or saying it was "ok" in any way. (things survivors struggle with all the time). I have learned that it is the only way the past doesn't hurt me, repeatedly for the rest of my life. This way, i can take the lessons of the experience, without holding onto the pain.
(oh, i don't remember if i put down about the stalker, after the adult r*pe and what i went through a depression and self hate. i began healing it all, and finally got a place to live away from hubby; (had been homeless for 2 yrs due to illness (MS) when i got a stalker. He sexually assaulted or r*ped me 3 times, using the date rape drug. (ropinal?) It wasn't until after the third time that i figured out who it was that was doing it. He then began calling me 40+times a day, he held me at knife point and gun point for a few hours in his home, he broke into my home repeatedly, read all my journals, my computer, stole underwear and bras. I had started out as a pacifist (hard core pacifist), I did'n't believe in "hitting back, EVER". To me.... is is a matter of "do i fight for what i believe in it, or do i die for it?" (i'll explain that later as well- not in this post tho). In any case, i didn't believe it was right to hurt an abuser back (that just makes me an abuser too, and would make the abuser hit me harder, or hurt me more, then I do it back only a bit harder, then he has to hurt me again- and it becomes this huge self-fulfilling prophecy so to speak). Once the stalker arrived tho, and after the first assault, i bought a gun, and learned it IS okay to protect yourself. I was terrified because this had happened in my own home, after i was home alone, and i had no memory of it, i had no way to know who did it, and what was done was *vile*- but i still didn't know. Whatever he did, i didn't wake up til after the 3rd day. In a short time, i began carrying a gun with me everywhere in the house (he then stole all the bullets, i had hidden bullets in each room in the house- how did he know where they were?) YIKES!
The first time he drugged me, i knew he was the last person i saw conciously but I didn't think he would do "that kind of thing". (he was my best friends husband-- who would EVER think that?) I ushered him out of the house as i could feel that i wasn't able to maintain focus, and i fell unconcious, but i didn't lock the front door, in case i needed to call the paramedics. I woke up three days later with marks all over my body, cuts, bruises, one burn, *wierd* bruises- things that just didn't make sense. Things that only a really sick *(#&%*!!! would do/make) He had even cleaned the house, he cleaned the bathroom, vacummed and emptied the vacuum bag- etc. (one thing i hate about all the crime shows, they are teaching people with that error in their thinking or genes, how to get away with the crimes they commit, how to not be found, or held responsible. We are harming our future selves, and our world by allowing these topics to be so prolific.
Anyway, I couldn't post what i wrote, I was to lost in emotion, and just lost at the time.
Tonight, thinking about the seminar, finding some of the music i loved from the seminar- really took me back to it. (makes me miss the ocean, since i lived by the ocean at that time). Thanks for ..... well, ihope you aren't mad that i put this here, i will spoiler it- but thanks for that sticky, for bringing it up, and for keeping this a "safe" environment as much as any one person(s) can.
Oh, and since i have all those topics that need to be covered in a similar class ad since i was good at public speaking, and was a great writer (a VERY VERY LONG TIME AGO!) anyway, i figure i'll start by writing about each topic individually, (probably a speech at first, then other materials) and that way, i have a plan, and a way to find the right material for any events i ever want to speak at, or for the topics i want to cover in a similar class, or if I should ever get to be a leader of that nature. If I can, I will start posting the talks or papers I do on the subjects that need to be covered in the seminar. (I hope I can get good feedback!)
Thanks for listening, i hope this wasn't to scattered. (be glad i didn't post the other ones in the sticky thread re: abuse!) they were LONG LONG LONG, and tmi, like i said. Thank you.
Thanks again,
celeste heart heart heart
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Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 7:05 am
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Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 1:56 pm
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XxAriaxX Hi Celeste. I'm sorry to what happened to you. I know there's other Gaians here that were abused, I hope they read your post and give some support. The 1st thing I hate in the entire world is when men abuse women (any sort of abuse). Like, I can't believe how it repeatedly happened to you. Be in a safer a another neighborhood or state? Is the police good in your state? Did you report to the police? I know you reported for the one that happened at work to your boss, but why not the police ? I mean.. the boss is covering his employee crime ! I don't know where you live, but in my city, there's a place (charity organization) that comes in help to abused women, they can come to eat, rest, and get clothes. I know that people go to see the priest or sister of a church to receive help. Did you try ?
Hi,
you know, it always hits me when i write about my history, but in truth, i am actually in a pretty good place anymore. I have had some of the best mentors and teachers in my life, and i am SO grateful for them, and for the lessons i learned from each of these circumstances. (i am sure that sounds odd- but the truth is, what i learned from being in those situations, or maybe the learning came from knowing I am NOT my circumstance, and that I always get to choose how i view any circumstance. (even the nasty ones). It may have taken some time, but i am in a good place now. I may have had a lot to learn- but i've been gifted with so much, some of what i "got", was just the knowledge on how to view things, even the worst of events brought with it a gift.
When I was about 14, one of my friends gave me a book called "Charlies Monument". It was about a guy born with a disability in the old west, and learning that he could still have purpose in a world that was reliant on physical work and a physical world.
The book, the real gift to me, was the poem in the front.
it goes like this (this IS paraphrased, but it is close to accurate).
God,
when he sent his children to earth
gave each of them a very carefully selected package
of problems.
"these" he said, "are yours and yours alone,
for only you have the gifts, talents and abilities needed
To turn these problems into
Your servants.
Now go down to your birth,
and to your forgetfulness.
Know i Love you beyond measure,
Forever
Your Heavenly Father.
This was the first lesson i learned (again, good friends, mentors, teachers!)
When i read the poem, the part that caught me was that my "problems" could be my "servant". So (at that age) i asked "what does a servant do for you?"
It helps you get done what you need to do. He/she/it makes your life better, and helps you accomplish your goals, (or destiny). What it came down to is, every problem is *a gift*. Realizing that my abuse, was a gift in some way was really hard to accept at first, but i began looking at the abuse in a new way- what did i learn from it? what am i better at because of it? is there anything i can do now, because i went thru this, that i could't do before as well as now.
With time, I got good at that. I still believe that all that abuse, every one of those situations, were gifts to me. That each one has something for me- that i didn't have before. I was stronger, more independent, more capable of being compassionate and understanding of other victims of abuse. I could go on, but you get the idea. It still took a long time, and while i wrote a bit about the history here, i tried to keep it- to the facts.
As for the police, or support, i have been part of a newsgroup for survivors, although i am not involved with it anymore, it served a function in helping me get over some of the trauma, and in helping others through their trauma, which helped me as much as anyone else- always.
(what a huge gift!)
As for the police, I did inform them about the r*pes, and they were involved with the stalker situation. They were different police depts. The rapes,i did a sketch of the two guys, the police thought they knew one of the guys the second i told them what happened. I did a sketch of both guys, and the one was uncanny in how close it was to the guy the police thought of. The second guy, they didn't know, and i was not able to pull out of a line-up (the first guy, i did pull out of the lineup).
There was not enough evidence to go to trial, and frankly at the time, i was so lost that it was better that i didn't have to go through that additional trauma. i have helped other survivors go through trials, but it is always difficult, it is always traumatic and i think it takes a really strong woman to go through that. I needed time to heal- and thank goodness, i got it.
the stalker, the police were *awful*. I was in a different state and was dealing with a small police dept. They were really bad, and when i got no help from one of the cops repeatedly- another cop told me he behavior was not accurate to what the situation called for. Eventually, due to his negligence, i ended up putting in a complaint about him. In the small police dept, it was as we see in the news pretty often, cops cover for eachother, and i happened to complain (rightfully) about a cop who had been on the force for a long time. The rest of the dept became complete assholes- once that became an issue, and once he continued to reacte inapprofriately to my situation. I finally went to the police station and refused to leave until they helped me. The police immediately took a statement, and brought me into a room, they brought in the captain, a sheriff, two other officers and a victims advocate. Turns out that he had some .... obsessions with me, that were also noted in a murder that had happened the night before a few blocks from his house.
They put me in a hotel room under an assumed name. Due to health issues i ended up in icu, and while in icu they decided i could go home. He was still breaking into the house, and altho they decided he didn't commit the murder, i am still sure he did. He continued to stalk me online, long after the restraining order was in effect. They said they could do nothing about that.
It gave me a chance to try to get him to admit to the murder, (it didn't work, he also didn't deny murdering her). (shrug). Regardless, I evnetually got him to understand that if he follwed me, or broke in my house again, i would hurt him, (not to mention, stalking is a felony, so if he violated the restraining order- he could go to prison for a time). He is free now, but i got away from him in the move i mentioned, where i got the heck out of dodge and did it in one day with him being watched to be sure he wasn't following me, and so my new address remained "stalker free".
There are a lot of angencies for survivors, I have done some work with RAAP, a non-profit for victims, i have also worked with a few other peer support programs.
My history is extreme, but I also was given and am given the skills, the teachers, the lessons to make sure that nothing really .... I want to say nothing hurts me anymore, that would be a lie though (at least a little bit). All anniversaries for me are this time of year, but overall- I am so blessed, I don't focus on my history anymore. The topic in the stickies, kind of made me take notice of it though. In addition, i have been told to write a book, and i feel I am being led to that end, I do not know which book will come first though, one about the lessons I was blessed to learn, or about sheer survival, or history, or....??
I would like (and plan) to write a experiential seminar that will help me make a difference in the lives of people, helping them create the life they truly want. A lot of that is about lessons again (for me anyway). I went through a personal growth class that was like a "life 101" class, and my goal will be to create a similar experience, with some adjustments for greater truth. Honestly the class i went thru was the best thing i have ever done for myself, and almost everyone who ever goes thru that class ends up feeling that way. (they actually have a money back guarantee that if you don't think the class was worth the money you had to pay to take it, then they would give your money back. In 30 yrs, only one person EVER asked for their money back. The others know that what they (and what I) got from that class- is worth more then almost any thing they could have been paid for it.
I know that last night, that i let you guys "see" some of the effects that still exist for me- the feeling of not breathing, or feeling paralyzed for a minute, or.... whatever. Even those things, can be gifts. As a child, i got through a lot of abuse by focusing on something, a dot on the wall, or a leaf in a picture, something small, and i would just lose myself in it- I would "go away" so to speak from the abuse, and go into what ever my focal point was. That is the beginning of a dissociative disorder, it is also a skill that can be VERY beneficial, especially if you have physical pain, or illness in your life. You KNOW (I KNOW) I can survive, hell, LIVE through about anything.
I appreciate your response, and I am grateful that you are so kind about it. Thank you. One of the "lessons" i got very young has also kind of messed me up in that I learned that .... when i talked about being abused, when i asked for help, no one wanted to hear it, and in fact they would avoid me, they would tell their kids to avoid me, rather then getting me help. I learned that no one wants to hear that stuff- and that to become ... "loved" or approved of like i wanted, i needed to not talk about myself, to ask about others all the time, to always be smiling, and this... almost pollyanna kind of person. I chose to become that person in an effort to feel loved and accepted. (I literally made a list of traits that "successful" girls had that i knew, and i decided to become those traits. Within 6 months, i was accepted, and even put in positions of leadership, and mentorship to others. It was shocking how quickly it happened, going from hated and avoided to being "loved" and accepted. It taught me to never talk about myself, so when i do, i feel very insecure and still believe that i should not ever focus or speak about my own experience/history.
To heal though, it is important to express- so finding that balance, is important and something that i am still not the best at.
Anyway, thanks again, and I am sorry if I wasn't clear about being.... well, mostly "ok" anymore. I wrote and re-wrote my history to post it in that thread, but that revealed to much info about me, and was just to hard. This was more like a listing of abusers, without going to far into history and specifics.
Take care, and I hope you have a great weekend.
celeste heart
I have always worked with the police, but the police are not there to help you recover, they are there to catch criminals and make them pay. Making someone "pay".... doesn't really heal the injury that was already there. |
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