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 Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 9:43 am
This is pessimist. So, if you are young or prefer to stay in the optimistic view of life don't read. I decided to skip 18+ part. So, if you want to know we will communicate in PMs.
My parents wanted to divorce for a long time ago. However, when I was a kid I often forgot that they wanted to do it. I never thought why either. I thought they somehow solve their problems.
She is from a background that made her not clever for studying and get a better job. When she got married, it was the first time she lived with somebody else than her own parents. She got pregnant the first year of their wedding. My mom couldn't work because there was no babysitter. She lost her job and back then the law approved only 3 months of pregnancy "break''.
My father has that ''old'' values that the man is the '' powerful leader'' , everyone should listen to him. He also didn't want my mom to go out to see friends. My mom was only good as the typical housewife : take care of kids, cleaning and cooking. My mom said : I only have 2 kids that I love. That's all what I have. I hate your father, but I stayed with him because I thought it would be better for all of us.
When the idea of divorce came up, my father was mocking my mom because he said you can't live without me, you don't enough money, you don't know to drive, let's see if you can rent an apartment for the kids, you'll struggle (blah blah blah)...
Back then, I didn't understand what's so hard about those things. Just find an apartment and sign the renting papers... I didn't understand why my mom was so dependent.
When they really divorced. I saw clearly how my mom and I struggle without my Dad. However, life is like that. Parents don't get along leave.
Moving was expensive. Finding an apartment was hard. My mom aged so much due to stress. She said she has too much responsibilities now. However, those responsibilities are the same if you just sustain yourself (paying rent, food, electricity, water,)... No one in my mom family helped her (another long story I won't explain). My mom never had good friends, except for the 2 that are also divorced women and they understood my mom's difficulties. How can you ask old woman to lift things to move in a truck ? We couldn't. So, for moving and many other tasks, we paid people to do tasks for us. My mom said : Don't you see why woman need a man ? Can you lift this bed ? Can you assemble this furniture ?
(...)
Since then, I hated how my mom was dependent and how she sees man as a solution for our problems... For many other reasons, I told myself I would become independent and I would never find a man (because it's hell) and I'll never get married.
With time, I changed my mind, I want to experience true love and the happiness that comes with it because when my friends got bf, they kept talking about it.
I also read two books (Why men don't listen and women can't read maps) about men and women relationships by Allan & Barbara Pearse.
The book pretty much explain the differences. Some of what my mom view from relationship and her own experience was really similar to what the book explained. That's why for a period of time I didn't want to date or get married at all...
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Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2012 7:34 pm
There's no law saying that you have to get married and be a house wife. Just do what you feel is right for yourself. If you want to go into a more in depth conversation on this matter, feel free to shoot me a pm. I'm always willing to listen.
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Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2012 7:43 pm
Keep in mind relationships vary from person to person. Dating is fine, you don't suddenly become dependent because you're in a relationship. It sounds like your mom may have always wanted other people to take care of her, that's why she sees the solution to her problems as getting a man. But its not that easy, and sometimes another man can cause more problems than solve.
When you look for a partner basically know what you want and need before getting serious into it. That's the main thing.
If you want to talk a bit more, just send me a PM and we can discuss things further if you like.
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Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2012 9:51 am
Some of us in life have one parent, some of us have two, and some of us have none. Life happens differently for each person and not everyone's life is going to be picture perfect all the time. There's always challenges and there will always be bumps in the road.
I'm glad that you aren't allowing your parent's divorce to keep you from getting married. I know that once people have one or more divorces or ugly marriages, it's hard for them to try for that again because they got a bad experience out of it and don't want to feel the hurt again. Sometimes one bad experience, and other times multiple bad experiences can halt a person from doing that thing again because it causes pain.
I'm sorry to hear what happened to your family as far as all the relationships in it go. I know what it's like when no one wants to help, or isn't able to help. It's so frustrating!
Although, a man isn't always the solution for every single problem. A lot of single mothers out there have done so much on their own - it just takes a lot of extra effort to assemble things without someone who already knows how to do it, or to lift something and needing a few people when a man may be able to do it himself. A woman can do almost everything a man can do - it just may take a little extra effort. I can see how it's hard from going from dependent to independent. The transition takes getting used to and isn't always easy. Perhaps you could be of some encouragement when she says she needs a man - put in some extra effort and say, "We can do this!" and perhaps your mother will be able to become more independent and confident in such things. It's okay to be dependent, and there is a time and a place to be dependent, and there's a time and a place to be independent as well and there's nothing wrong with that. A person can be both dependent and independent - even in a relationship.
Think of an experience in your life was bad and you chose to avoid it until one day you tried it again and thought, "Well, that's not too bad after all!' It happens to the best of us =) and getting past it can be a challenge because we think of the bad experience first.
Marriage isn't always the easiest thing in the world either because there are a lot of challenges. Although, the best thing is knowing that you aren't alone and that making decisions to get past rough spots is a team effort.
All that my husband and I went through - most people would've exploded and divorced - I have no doubt (especially since the in-laws are insane). It's been a few years and we still have our struggles. In the end, it's all worth it to be married to my husband, my ideal guy. It's because I'm not suffering alone and we both work as a team to make decisions and get stuff done. We have a lot of fun despite all the hardships we've been through. There is happiness, even in tough times =)
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Posted: Wed Dec 05, 2012 12:56 pm
Hi! Thanks your reply, it was very useful. I finally understood that even if what my mom believes or what the book explained , don't mean it should ''become'' or ''do'' the same thing... Therefore, there is no need that I explain further the problem by pm XD.. But maybe one day if I doubt about something...
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Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2012 9:57 am
XxAriaxX Hi! Thanks your reply, it was very useful. I finally understood that even if what my mom believes or what the book explained , don't mean it should ''become'' or ''do'' the same thing... Therefore, there is no need that I explain further the problem by pm XD.. But maybe one day if I doubt about something... Glad that we all could help! If you ever need to send a PM about anything now or in the future - my inbox is always open =)
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