Hello ._.
2 days ago, on sunday, I had a really big issue with my family members.
It's a pretty long story, so bear with me.
Well, first of all, I'm going to let you know what kind of mindset I was in.
I haven't been taking my anti-depressants or other medication that helps me
control my feelings for about 2 weeks. They don't help me anymore so why
take
them? So, by last Sunday-- I was a wreck.
Well, we (my family and I) went over to my grandma's house to do a late
celebration of my sister's birthday. Well, after I spoke to my sister I went out
into the kitchen to mess around on my laptop since there's limited couch
room. My mom and dad were talking about ice I guess? Well my dad throws
a cup at me when I'm looking at my laptop and I'm like, what the heck? And
so he yells at me, "What do you want to drink?" and I said, "What is there?"
So my mom yells at me too, saying how would she know-- she just got
here. So my dad yanks the cup out of my hand and walks away.
So I said, "You guys need to calm down."
So my dad yells even louder at me, "No, shut the ******** up. You're the one
who needs to ******** calm down."
So I replied with, "You first."
So my dad comes racing around the table at me and so I stand up and
when he gets to me he throws me against the sliding door and starts yelling
at me and getting in my face.
So I start yelling.
"You hit me and I'm calling 911."
"Do it."
So I dial 911 and by now, my mom had turned around to see
what we were doing. So, she starts screaming at my dad to leave me
alone. Finally, after about 3 minutes my dad let's go of my collar and walks
away.
Then he turns to me and yells, "You're a ******** a*****e."
So I replied with, "I get it from you."
So he comes back at me but by this time ALL of our family was in the
kitchen, so my brother pulls my dad back.
I didn't realize I was crying and shaking, but I was.
So my dad tells me to get the ******** out of here, so I do.
My sister starts telling me to go to her room (she lives with my grandma)
So, I do.
I sit on her bed and cry like a baby.
My mom follows me in, yelling at me-- Asking what the hell
that was all about.
I kept telling her to leave me alone but she kept saying she won't.
So I start yelling at her telling her that she must really hate
me if she let's a man do that to her own blood and that I hated her,
that when we went home I was gonna take my medication-- all of it-- so
that I won't have to wake up and see the people who make my life a living
hell.
So she starts asking me if I mean it and I said I did. I hate them all and I
hope they all die feeling the same loneliness I do.
So my mom just get's up and leaves.
A few seconds after she leaves, my grandma and great grandma come in
to talk to me.
They're more comforting than my mom, for sure.
They told me that family fight all the time but that doesn't mean
they hate you.
Eventually they left and everyone started eating dinner.
I didn't leave the room.
My sister came in a few minutes later, she wanted to know what
happened too. The only thing is, she was the only one who had an
angle to see my dad push me.
She started comforting me too, telling me that he had no right to touch me
and that if I didn't feel safe coming home, I could stay the night.
[My dad has hurt me and my brother before, mind you.]
I said I'd think about it and then she left.
I sat in her room, crying-- until I took one of her stress-relief pills
so that I'd calm down.
I didn't.
Well, after dinner, my mom came back in and you could tell she had been
crying. She started saying that her and I are a lot alike, despite the
fact I don't want to be. She starts crying as she tells me that she has
these suicidal thoughts like me too, only she couldn't do it because
she still loves her family.
At this point, I told her that I only said I hated her because I was mad.
She asked me if I loved my dad, I said that I didn't know anymore.
She then asked me if I felt safe coming home because if I didn't she'd
make my dad go stay somewhere else.
I didn't say anything-- even though I wanted to.
Then my dad came in and my mom left.
He just stood there and glared at me.
So, after a few minutes I finally asked what.
He started saying that I was gonna try to cut myself
I said no.
He started saying I was mad at him because he didn't take me
to my therapy sessions anymore.
I said no.
He then proceeded to say that he doesn't take me anymore because
I don't do anything they say-- which is a lie. I try to.
Then he said that the fight was my fault and that I'm a coward, ect.
So then when he asked if I had anything to say for myself, I said no.
And he left.
All because I didn't apologize.
So I stayed in the room for another hour or so, crying. Until my mom came in
to tell me they were leaving. She asked if I was staying the night.
I asked my grandma, who also came in, if it was alright and she said yes.
I stayed the night with them. No one said anything about it, which
was probably for the best.
When it came time to sleep, I couldn't.
I was too stressed out to sleep.
So, at about 3am I finally fell asleep.... Until 4am.
I stayed up the rest of the day until my sister woke up, I asked her
if she could take me home before anyone came back.
So, at about 12pm I went home.
The house was empty, of course, but as soon as I got there
I just started crying again, as if someone said something to me
about the fight.
It really messed me up because my ENTIRE life, I've only relied
on my dad. Not my mom, not my brother and not my sister.
(Only because she doesn't live with us anymore.)
But now, it's like, I see that my mom tried to protect me
and that my sister still cares about me. She even arranged for me to
go with her up to poway after this week so I can get away from here.
And, my dad, I don't care about him anymore. I feel like I'm going to vomit
when I see him, when I heard him open the garage door I started crying.
I know I don't like him, hate? I don't know about that.
I just don't know what to do, how to cope with this.
I KNOW this can't be fixed, nor do I care to fix this.
I want nothing to do with him anymore.
Any suggestions? Any help? Any way to stop friggin crying all day?
I just really have no idea how to cope with this.
2 days ago, on sunday, I had a really big issue with my family members.
It's a pretty long story, so bear with me.
Well, first of all, I'm going to let you know what kind of mindset I was in.
I haven't been taking my anti-depressants or other medication that helps me
control my feelings for about 2 weeks. They don't help me anymore so why
take
them? So, by last Sunday-- I was a wreck.
Well, we (my family and I) went over to my grandma's house to do a late
celebration of my sister's birthday. Well, after I spoke to my sister I went out
into the kitchen to mess around on my laptop since there's limited couch
room. My mom and dad were talking about ice I guess? Well my dad throws
a cup at me when I'm looking at my laptop and I'm like, what the heck? And
so he yells at me, "What do you want to drink?" and I said, "What is there?"
So my mom yells at me too, saying how would she know-- she just got
here. So my dad yanks the cup out of my hand and walks away.
So I said, "You guys need to calm down."
So my dad yells even louder at me, "No, shut the ******** up. You're the one
who needs to ******** calm down."
So I replied with, "You first."
So my dad comes racing around the table at me and so I stand up and
when he gets to me he throws me against the sliding door and starts yelling
at me and getting in my face.
So I start yelling.
"You hit me and I'm calling 911."
"Do it."
So I dial 911 and by now, my mom had turned around to see
what we were doing. So, she starts screaming at my dad to leave me
alone. Finally, after about 3 minutes my dad let's go of my collar and walks
away.
Then he turns to me and yells, "You're a ******** a*****e."
So I replied with, "I get it from you."
So he comes back at me but by this time ALL of our family was in the
kitchen, so my brother pulls my dad back.
I didn't realize I was crying and shaking, but I was.
So my dad tells me to get the ******** out of here, so I do.
My sister starts telling me to go to her room (she lives with my grandma)
So, I do.
I sit on her bed and cry like a baby.
My mom follows me in, yelling at me-- Asking what the hell
that was all about.
I kept telling her to leave me alone but she kept saying she won't.
So I start yelling at her telling her that she must really hate
me if she let's a man do that to her own blood and that I hated her,
that when we went home I was gonna take my medication-- all of it-- so
that I won't have to wake up and see the people who make my life a living
hell.
So she starts asking me if I mean it and I said I did. I hate them all and I
hope they all die feeling the same loneliness I do.
So my mom just get's up and leaves.
A few seconds after she leaves, my grandma and great grandma come in
to talk to me.
They're more comforting than my mom, for sure.
They told me that family fight all the time but that doesn't mean
they hate you.
Eventually they left and everyone started eating dinner.
I didn't leave the room.
My sister came in a few minutes later, she wanted to know what
happened too. The only thing is, she was the only one who had an
angle to see my dad push me.
She started comforting me too, telling me that he had no right to touch me
and that if I didn't feel safe coming home, I could stay the night.
[My dad has hurt me and my brother before, mind you.]
I said I'd think about it and then she left.
I sat in her room, crying-- until I took one of her stress-relief pills
so that I'd calm down.
I didn't.
Well, after dinner, my mom came back in and you could tell she had been
crying. She started saying that her and I are a lot alike, despite the
fact I don't want to be. She starts crying as she tells me that she has
these suicidal thoughts like me too, only she couldn't do it because
she still loves her family.
At this point, I told her that I only said I hated her because I was mad.
She asked me if I loved my dad, I said that I didn't know anymore.
She then asked me if I felt safe coming home because if I didn't she'd
make my dad go stay somewhere else.
I didn't say anything-- even though I wanted to.
Then my dad came in and my mom left.
He just stood there and glared at me.
So, after a few minutes I finally asked what.
He started saying that I was gonna try to cut myself
I said no.
He started saying I was mad at him because he didn't take me
to my therapy sessions anymore.
I said no.
He then proceeded to say that he doesn't take me anymore because
I don't do anything they say-- which is a lie. I try to.
Then he said that the fight was my fault and that I'm a coward, ect.
So then when he asked if I had anything to say for myself, I said no.
And he left.
All because I didn't apologize.
So I stayed in the room for another hour or so, crying. Until my mom came in
to tell me they were leaving. She asked if I was staying the night.
I asked my grandma, who also came in, if it was alright and she said yes.
I stayed the night with them. No one said anything about it, which
was probably for the best.
When it came time to sleep, I couldn't.
I was too stressed out to sleep.
So, at about 3am I finally fell asleep.... Until 4am.
I stayed up the rest of the day until my sister woke up, I asked her
if she could take me home before anyone came back.
So, at about 12pm I went home.
The house was empty, of course, but as soon as I got there
I just started crying again, as if someone said something to me
about the fight.
It really messed me up because my ENTIRE life, I've only relied
on my dad. Not my mom, not my brother and not my sister.
(Only because she doesn't live with us anymore.)
But now, it's like, I see that my mom tried to protect me
and that my sister still cares about me. She even arranged for me to
go with her up to poway after this week so I can get away from here.
And, my dad, I don't care about him anymore. I feel like I'm going to vomit
when I see him, when I heard him open the garage door I started crying.
I know I don't like him, hate? I don't know about that.
I just don't know what to do, how to cope with this.
I KNOW this can't be fixed, nor do I care to fix this.
I want nothing to do with him anymore.
Any suggestions? Any help? Any way to stop friggin crying all day?
I just really have no idea how to cope with this.
