How to get a depression diagnosis

[September Equinox]

LOTS OF TRIGGER WARNINGS HERE SO FEEL FREE TO TURN BACK BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO STIR UP s**t FOR ANY OF YOU <3

I'll come out and say it.

I'm fairly certain I have depression and some anxiety order. I've been feeling pretty down for a while- hell, you know how grad is supposed to be your night of accomplishment? I came and cried myself to sleep. I've been suicidal. The urge is rising again.

I eyelash pull. Trichotillomania, I'm pretty sure I'd get diagnosed with that because I pull them when triggered by anxious thoughts or tension. Or if I get scared. And ******** I've been scared lately.

Scared of messing up. Scared that customers at work will ask me a question I don't know the answer. Scared if I ask a manager, they'll be wondering when I try to figure out my department for myself. Horrified that I miss a shift because I ******** up reading the schedule and that a call from them isn't to pick up an extra shift, but because I'm late or didn't come in. Horrified I'll get nowhere in life. Terrified that people pretend to like me. Absolutely ******** terrified I'll do something i regret.

But no. My mum thinks it's a rut and doesn't know half of this. She says to wait a month and get into a structure routine. How the ******** do I tell her all this.  

[slim jim shady]

Just getting through the first paragraph I knew you have the same illness I do. Talk to your doctor. He/she will help you.  

[September Equinox]

kryptonitee

Just getting through the first paragraph I knew you have the same illness I do. Talk to your doctor. He/she will help you.

I'm going to see him as soon as I can, given my parents turning their back on my clear mental state...  

[Haunting Paranoia]

Wayward Lawliet

Yes, I'm anxious that I won't get anywhere in life.. I still haven't decided what I'd like to do in life and time is just plainly running out. I become depressed at random times for no apparent reason and when there is a reason, it's just bluntly stupid. Yes, I had a self-mutilation phase where that just DID NOT WORK. It didn't relieve the stress or the pain or whatever you'd like to call it. All it gave me was scars on my arm and a tear-stained face. My mother always threatened she'd get me a psychiatrist and I begged her not to because at the time I just didn't want any more problems to arise with people thinking I was strange and engage with me already less than they did. And do you know what she did? She never got me one. Even when I approached her about getting one, she 'forgot.' Possibly she hopes that it'll go away in time for it could be teenage angst, but I've been fighting my own battle for 3 YEARS. 3 YEARS. With no medical help whatsoever as its what is now needed. I think about suicide often I admit, but at the same time I have no reason to live yet I have no reason to die. I'm a depressed suicidal coward. I can't drown myself nor can I hang. I don't want to face the pain so I'm still waiting for my mother to purchase a gun for then I can take the easy way out. I've been waiting for that gun for 2 years now.

I'm sorry for ranting.. I truly am.  

[Spottedteddybears]

Don't take this lightly. I urge you to see help ASAP.
Even if it's simply talking to a close friend and getting it off your chest, it could help tons. Seek professional help, talk to a therapist or counsellor. Anything that can help you turn back and not go any further.

I'm almost pretty sure I have social anxiety (even though I haven't talked to a professional, which I really should, not following my own advice there..) and I've been through other things in the past that I don't really want to mention. I don't want a relapse, which I'm terrified about everyday. The longer you just leave it, the harder it would be to get back up and recover.

I don't know if this is any help, but I want to remind you that you're special. You have a reason to live. It may take weeks or years, but it will get better. <3