Just feeling very depressed...

[xXNi-ChanXx]

So depression has kicked in and according to my boyfriend, it looked like I have been crying all day yesterday when he started to take a good look at me. He said my eye were puffy and that I had dark circles under my eyes as well. Sadly, he had been right... I had a moment or two where I would completely break down and cry even if it was just for a like a few second or a minute. Funny thing about it, I think the dark circles came from the that same following night that I woke up crying because I had a horrible dream about my hamster... It couldn't sleep after that not until around 5 am and woke up like an hour or two later. Same thing tonight, I woke up at 4:06am because of the thunder and didn't fall back asleep until 5:37am and wake up again at 7:40 which is usually the time I also wake up...
Lately it feels like everything is piling up me... Right now I am struggling to get enough money for my fall classes... I at least eliminated about 3 books from my english class. I was very lucky to find the three reading books requires at the bookstore a lesser price. I managed to pay for due using my credit even it rised my debt close to 180 dollars. And now I have 800 dollar camera that I got which I need to start paying off lucky for my the payments for it is less than 70 so I know I can collect that money in two friday nights.
Its been so horrible in my head. On the outside, of course ima keep this mask where I am completely okay and smiling and everything but when I am completely alone, I just break down and cry and feel so many negative emotions...
I feel completely alone with no friends because according to my boyfriend, "I push them away and choice him over them" and thats not the case... quite honestly, all my friends have their own lives, they never bother talking to me anymore, they have kids, they are married, they have their own lives now... I know nothing is meant to last forever. I always remind myself that... I knew things where going to change as soon as they got pregnant and married...
It just sucks, because I am still clingying to something I wish was still there but now I am just completely losing my grip on myself... I honestly can go a whole months without talking to them and I can asure you that none of them well even notice me gone...
I honestly regret quiting my job but I just couldn't take anymore... it was so stressful and horrible, I was never let out on my lunch on the time I am suppose to let out, I kept doing overtime, I had the most horrible co-workers who would say that they are their to help and would tell the manager differently about me...I just got tired of working in that condition... I just had to get out of it... Now I am just volunteering a place that I probably wont even get a job and its making me lose all hope and faith...
Everything in my life is completely out of place, I feel like an emotion mess... *cries* My boyfriend thinks taking me out would lighten up my mood but it won't... I cant even step out the house because my cramps are killing and come like lighting strikes and just make go down my knees holding my myself and trying so hard not to scream....
I hate the fact my mom always askes me that why am I even tired when I don't do anything or why am I taking pills like midol when she never does when she is on her month or why didn't I turn out to be like her? Or why do I was bother with things... She gets mad at me because I never do anything right or because I don't anything when I have done something... And I can't move out because I have no job and who the hell is taking a pathetic 21yr with a dog?
Its hell in my head, it really is... I am always helping people out, I am always supporting my friends and trying to be a good person and yet I feel like I get nothing in return. I feel completely unappreciated. I feel completely pathetic and a emotional mess, my life has no meaning I can't even do anything right. Not even cut myself when I just want to feel a release. Seriously, how pathetic is that!?

I feel like I should have just killed myself in middle when I had the strength and balls. Now I am an emotional mess and a pathetic 21yr old that can't do anything anymore and is losing everything...
*crying*


Sorry for my rant.... You can go ahead and ignore this now....  

[xXNi-ChanXx]

I think that made me feel abit better.... *sigh* it at least made me stop crying...  

[-Fancy R]

Honey, I may not be able to solve the financial problems, (but trust me, I'm having a hard time financially too) but it's times like this where you gotta keep your head up...because letting these little worries consume you to this extent will leave you in an endless circle of depression. Gotta take action. Maybe your boyfriend could assist you in terms of funding.

And don't despair! Things can be bad, and the best thing to do is talk it out. This is the first step. <3
So many hugs to you! emotion_hug  

[xXNi-ChanXx]

-Fancy R

Honey, I may not be able to solve the financial problems, (but trust me, I'm having a hard time financially too) but it's times like this where you gotta keep your head up...because letting these little worries consume you to this extent will leave you in an endless circle of depression. Gotta take action. Maybe your boyfriend could assist you in terms of funding.

And don't despair! Things can be bad, and the best thing to do is talk it out. This is the first step. <3
So many hugs to you! emotion_hug

I try... I try very hard to keep my head up and try very hard to read away everything from my depression to my stress to smal worries.
I just feel the whole world being on top of me and just crushing everything around me is all...
Well he wants me to start trusting him. My trust for him has been lost but my love for him hasn't. I am not sure how the works out but yea, so he has also been using my credit for gas and other minor things. So he we most likely pay for his part of the use and will sneak in more just so I won't be in such a horrible debt. And he also agreed to help me pay off the 800 dollar camera that he also uses (this camera is like a phone so he sometimes use it for this game I just installed and for a better quailty pictures.)

Yea... but talking things out with him is usually very hard because of the way he says things as well as his reaction.

Thanks... I think I really need the hugs right now emotion_hug  

[-Fancy R]

xXNi-ChanXx

No, no. I understand. Trust and love are hand in hand and are two very different things. But I do think talking with your boyfriend would mean a lot to him (as a sign you are beginning to consider trusting him) Which would probably cross off one worry for the both of you as well as strengthening the bond of the relationship. You just have to push back any anxiety, your boyfriend seems like he wants to help you, he has a willing ear to listen.
Things he can say can hurt, but seeing how he figured out you were crying...I feel he would bite back anything that would be seemingly offensive.

great then! That practically guarantees your BF will help you then. emotion_c8

Just have to take a deep breath, and tackle one thing at a time. You're not alone. heart
I know what its like where that sense of hopelessness is like, but it'll just fester if you don't attempt to do anything. It's hard, but you have to take that first step. Let your friends/boyfriend help you.
emotion_hug No problem. <3  

[xXNi-ChanXx]

-Fancy R

No, no. I understand. Trust and love are hand in hand and are two very different things. But I do think talking with your boyfriend would mean a lot to him (as a sign you are beginning to consider trusting him) Which would probably cross off one worry for the both of you as well as strengthening the bond of the relationship. You just have to push back any anxiety, your boyfriend seems like he wants to help you, he has a willing ear to listen.
Things he can say can hurt, but seeing how he figured out you were crying...I feel he would bite back anything that would be seemingly offensive.

great then! That practically guarantees your BF will help you then. emotion_c8

Just have to take a deep breath, and tackle one thing at a time. You're not alone. heart
I know what its like where that sense of hopelessness is like, but it'll just fester if you don't attempt to do anything. It's hard, but you have to take that first step. Let your friends/boyfriend help you.
emotion_hug No problem. <3

He has actually been trying to get me to talk him but in a way I keep refusing too because I know how he usually is... I know I need to start being more open again I just don't know if I can trust him and even he has said that he is determind to get my trust back so yea... I'll see what happens today... right now my depression is completely at eased. If notices that I was crying again or something I'll talk to him...

Yea but sometimes I worry since he has other things to pay off as well...

I'll start doing that for now on. I know I can't let this depression get the better of me... I know I need to start fighting back...
Well for sure I know my boyfriend will also help me but I am not sure about friends helping me...  

[r a i n i i_d a i s]

xXNi-ChanXx

I hope you feel better~ emotion_hug