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Alright, I'm just going to type this down here. Its been bugging me for a while and I just want it out of my system. I really would like advice, please. Its sort of long, though
Its this girl. Just to get it out now, I'm don't think I'm gay. I know some people say its not a choice, but I really don't think I am since however I look at girls, I can't envision them sexually. But that's another story.
Here goes.
Back back in November of 2011, I was expelled from my high school. I started back up at a different High about ten miles from my house that was in town. (I lived in the country at the time). It was a really small school with a body of about 200, so everyone pretty much knew everyone else's faces. Most people were nice and there wasn't really so much 'social segregation' there. Because of classic case bullying, I was timid and I couldn't make friends easily, though I did get acquainted with this one freshman girl (who back stabbed me later on, but she's not the one I'm talking about). So, the first month or so, I didn't really socialize too well.
I took biology late in the day. I wasn't really paying attention to my classmates until one day this one girl wore a cosplay to that class. It was one of my favorite characters, amazingly. She was a freshman and I was a sophomore at the time, so I didn't really pay attention to her until then. The thing is, is that I came from a family that forbade watching anime or reading manga or anything and it was considered 'stupid' at my old school (I read manga behind their backs). People who cosplayed there got bullied really badly unless they were super popular. This really stuck out to me. I don't think it was for about another month that I got to actually talk to her. There wasn't a seating arrangement in that class, so I came in late and her table was the only one open. Keeping in mind that I was kind of timid, I didn't actually speak to her until the last ten minutes of class when there wasn't anything going. She was a really friendly person.
She was kind of plain. It wasn't like she was the most beautiful girl at school. The thing is, is that she was such a nice, kind person. She just seemed so happy all the time and was always smiling. She was pretty much the opposite of me who at the time was timid, a bit mean and sour-faced. It doesn't help that I'm really, really ugly. And I don't even mean the pretty girl who seeks attention. If you saw my face, you'd probably be saying 'wtf is that thing?' (That was actually the one thing that I was bullied for the most at my old school) I mean, I really admired her. She reminded me of how I wanted to be when I was little.
Well, I don't think I ever really initiated a conversation again with her, though at some point she added me on Facebook. Also she randomly gave me two drawings that I have among the few drawings that people gave me. Sometimes she'd come and say hello at lunch. I don't know why. It wasn't until January my Junior year that things really started to change. Things were really tight at home and I was constantly in study hall since I was never getting my homework done (I couldn't sleep because I was pretty much terrified out of my wits for reasons I can't say, but this was affecting my work greatly). On the days I was out it seemed I somehow always ran into her, even if we never talked. In February I finally got the courage to talk to her and gave her a sketch I'd spent the entire class period drawing. I accidentally ripped it so a few days later gave her another one.
The thing is that I saw her and sometimes she came and said hello, but I never had the courage to try to initiate the conversation. I think that I was afraid that I would get on good terms with her and then screw up like I've done with pretty much every friendship I've ever had. I probably came off bitter and cold but she kept randomly saying hello. Even if I was chatting merrily with another person, I'd fall quiet when she came talked. Also whenever she looked at me my face turned red and when I thought about her my heart would start beating so hard I thought I'd pass out. (I think that there was something wrong with me)
I moved in I think... March or May. I deleted my Facebook and got another a few months later. I added a classmate from the school and a while later she sent me a friend request and I accepted. I really wish I knew why. We didn't really talk but she added me anyways.
Please don't think I'm creepy. I tend to have dreams about people I think about a lot, and I had several dreams in a row with this girl in them. I remember that in one, I was saving her from a volcano. In another, she was keeping me from suicide. I really can't remember the last. I just couldn't seem to get her out of my head for the longest time. Its been a while since I left, but I can't seem to get her out of my head. I see cosplay shows or interesting things and wonder, does she watch these or has she heard of these? I just don't understand this, but I really wish I could forget her because I don't want to saturate those memories with this feeling. I've mostly been alone since I moved. There aren't many people around where I live and none of them talk to me except for this woman who lives across the complex. I don't go to school, I switched to independent after moving down since my parents felt like sending me to the local high would be 'bad' (Or rather, inconvenient for them). I feel like I should've put her at the back of my mind a long time ago, but I can't for some reason. The more I think about her the more guilty I feel. I don't want to dehumanize her with my thoughts. I really just don't know what to do about this. I just want to forget and move on so I don't make my happy memories saturate in this weird feeling. Can anyone suggest something that I should do? Actually more then that, can someone explain to me why this girl kept reaching out to me even when she knew why I'd recoil?
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