Welcome to Gaia! ::

So, before you read this, I figure the first thing you should know is, this is about me. It’s not about you, it’s not about my family; the main focus is me.
There are going to be some things in this story/essay/whatever you want to call it that some of you don’t know about me. You probably don’t want to know about me. So if you’re a person who wants to keep believing the lies that I have fed you in the past, then stop reading this now.

Something you may be wondering also, why am I just now writing about all of this and sharing it with you guys? Why not tell you guys as it happened, or any time sooner. Well, I’m sharing it now because it’s something I’ve kept quiet for a while, and quite frankly I’m tired of hiding. So here are parts of my story that most people don’t know.

You know how when you’re little, how you trust everyone. You’re immature and childish, because that’s how you’re supposed to be. You make promises to never share a secret with anyone. Well, I had a secret like that. I swore on my life and the life of… let’s call my friend One. Well I was in elementary school still, and One was a year younger than me. We were always seen together, we were best friends. The secret, we had? The only way I can describe it is we were almost like friends with benefits. Yeah, we were in elementary school. Afterschool, One and I would go to the playground to play, and yeah we kissed. Call it elementary curiosity, call it weird, call it adorable, or call it whatever. It’s irrelevant. Because of One my opinion on something changed.

So first fact about me most people don’t know, I’m bi. Yeah, some of you are reading this and you’re shocked, or maybe you’re disgusted. If you haven’t guessed by now, One was a girl. No one knew about what we did, I doubt she even remembers, and if she does, then she keeps quiet about it now too I guess. Two years passed, then I went to middle school and didn’t see her again; that is until high school. But it had been 4 years, I didn’t talk to her. It’s been 7 years since I had a conversation with her, and for the past 3 years, I’ve had to see her quite often because of extra-curricular activities. I won’t deny what we did if anyone ever asks, because it’s true, that’s what we did. It changed one of the ways I thought.

Why haven’t I gone public about this? Well, I go to church. A church that claims to be non-denominational, they claim they don’t judge, they claim they don’t have cliques. Well this might as well all be a lie. They’re convinced of so many things I don’t agree with in the least bit.

I listen to them so much, and sometimes I just get fed up with them. I end up just sitting in church ignoring everyone.

Being judged without others knowing, one of the factors for the next thing I plan on sharing.

In 7th grade, I was asked out; just what every pre-teen/teen girl wants. Their crush to ask them out. It happened and I was joyous. Okay, so it didn’t last for long, apparently some people are just impatient and what not. I actually wasn’t that hurt by it. I just moved on with life.

In 8th grade, I was listening to someone talk. They talked about the guy I had dated, how he asked some girl out the previous year, on a bet. And that he won the bet, because he did ask the girl out. Then they laughed saying how hilarious it was that the girl fell for it too, and actually thought he meant it….

Well hi, nice to meet you. I was the only girl he asked that entire year….. That’s when I was heartbroken. I realized that he didn’t love me it was a bunch of lies; that had been the second factor. The third factor of 8th grade year, I was backstabbed by a friend who I thought was there for me, she betrayed me because someone told her I was a backstabber, so she just went and backstabbed me. I’m horridly shy, and I hate talking to people. So, at lunch I started sitting alone, no one would sit with me. If you didn’t realize that was the fourth factor (I did make friends, some of the best friends I have now actually….). Factor five: I started disagreeing with my parents, just like every teen. They were beyond horrid. They yelled and screamed at me. Everything my sister did was blamed on me. I spent so many days during this time in my room crying, wishing for my death.

I told my friends on Gaia about all of this and more. Someone gave me an idea, an idea that I followed.

That addiction that I started, you’ll see what it is later.

9th grade year passed through. Oh, heartbroken again, because I gave someone all of my secrets, and once I did, suddenly it was inconvenient for us to live apart and not see each other. He broke up with me because he liked someone else. My Gaia friends never got on anymore, I missed them like crazy. I just needed someone to talk to, and I felt like I had no one. I didn’t keep secrets from them, and I felt like these were the only people I could talk to. That’s when the addiction started getting worse.

The second thing most people don’t know about me: I cut myself.

Okay, some of you are going to now laugh and say ha-ha yeah right, or say how stupid it is. But you know what? I don’t care.

And you know what else? I still cut. Always shallow, in the same places, because then it’s less noticeable. You figure out how to hide it. You learn how it will cause more pain.

Only once, did I cut too far, bled too much, left a damaging scar. And even then, I blamed it on my cat, and everyone believed me. Yeah, if you read this and you don’t believe me, find me one day, and I’ll show you. It’s only an inch long, another place near it about half the size. I won’t shoe you recent scars, you don’t need to see those.

For those who want to know something else, you know how drugs are addicting? Well, cutting is just like that. An addiction. Once you’ve started, it becomes a habit, something you rely on to keep you going in the worst of times. It’s easier to keep doing it than it is to just stop.

The third and fourth story most people don’t know about me, are the hardest to share.

See, 10th grade I had a fantastic boyfriend, he wasn’t the brightest, or even the cutest, but to me he was the world, he was my knight in shining armour. He saved me when my parents were being butt heads, and I could see no wrong in him.

We dated for almost a year, before I finally told my mom part of what happened, I had to get out of it.

See, about 6 months in, he started…doing things, things I didn’t like, things I’m not going to mention on here for the sake of my sanity, and for the sake of my privacy. They made him happy though, and as long as he was happy, then why would I complain? He was my savior. That’s what I didn’t tell my mom.

What I told my mom, was about 8 months in our relationship, he started becoming… angry. He hated me talking to my best friend and holding hands with her because I was freezing. He hated when I wouldn’t talk to him at night, because I was doing homework. I felt like I did everything wrong. That was when I started to learn how to hide bruises too. I convinced myself, he just didn’t realize he was doing it, or that I deserved it. He would squeeze my leg or arm too hard, he would run and jump on a stage or trampoline, with my face being inches from his feet, he would hurt my side, so many things….
He told me, that he had started doing drugs again, about 10 months in our relationship, I started being more terrified, he told me he would stop, and he never did. Ending 11 months, the…. Abuse I guess most would call it, began getting too much, the drug use he told me about, I couldn’t handle it. I told my mom.

She called his mom and they talked, his mom screamed at him telling him that wasn’t how he was supposed to treat a lady. We broke up. He called me and texted me still all the time, he would leave messages saying how it was all my fault that we were apart. How he still desperately wanted to be with me…. And truth was, I thought the same thing.

The third truth about myself: I was… abused.

That guy, he started to stalk me I guess. It was horridly creepy, I saw him everywhere. One night, he messaged me and my mom, saying that he was going to drive up to our house with a gun and kill us all. I was horrified. That was the night, I didn’t sleep. My dad came home early, because mum called him and told him what happened, and she slept soundly, but not me, I still waited for him to show up.

Nothing happened; I didn’t see him after he threatened that for a year and a half.

However, that experience, left me scarred. The cutting thing, it became worse, that’s when I went too deep that one time. The fourth fact: I became depressed at the breakup, suicidal, anything you want to call it. I wanted to die. It’s horrifying typing that. But it was true. I had given my entire life secrets to him, and it was all over. I thought everything in my life had gone wrong. Not only the break up, but so many more things. All I could think of it was my fault. The world would be a better place if I wasn’t there. I could never, convince myself to kill myself though. I didn’t stop thinking about suicide, until 3 months ago, my sister of sorts, showed me a video, a video that made me pour tears. Go look it up, Eriikaa Suicide. Listen to it. All the way through.

That video, made me realize that people would miss me, I would be missed. I realized how stupid suicide would be.

Those who are now thinking, yeah she’s just making it all up. Want a bet? I wrote suicide letters. Death letters I called them, to my most important friends, my closest family members, the ones who most contributed to my decision. Ask me for them, I’ll get them from where I kept them, where they still lay.

A resolution for the previous story about him:
I just saw him about a month ago, he came to church.

My church people, the ones who had a semi-idea of what had happened, because they had guessed, they stayed near me the entire time. Those same church people I mentioned earlier, that judge me, and usually outcast me, for once they protected me. He was never near me that entire night, expect while we ate, at which point he sat across from me before anyone could stop him. They kept their eyes on him though, and I was safe. I’m still terrified, that one day he’ll show up out of nowhere and start everything again, but I rely on my friends, or semi friends, or anyone actually, to help me out. They make me strong.

So although, my church judges and what not, I know I can rely on them if times are horridly tough.

A resolution for everything?

Well, it’s my senior year of high school, and here I am still living, still living on.

I’m afraid of falling in love again, for those curious, it seems as if every person I fall for, they just end up stabbing my back, and I didn’t share every story with you. What’s the point if they all end the same?

I’m afraid of telling the truth to my parents, about my sexuality preference, cutting, suicide, depression, or anything. I’m sure they would hate me; they’ve shared their opinions on what they think of these things before, with the television shows that have been watched. So why would I tell them, if their reaction would be the same to their own daughter?

I’m afraid to trust anyone with all my secrets. Why tell them everything, if they’ll only hate me. I don’t even know why I trust you readers with this.

You’re mostly all strangers to me, but the few of you that now know everything, that no know the truth about me, how will you react?

Will you just glare at me in the halls? Or maybe, you’ll start back stabbing me? Perhaps you’ll post some comment about how I should have just killed myself when I had the chance? Or maybe you think this is all just a bunch of lies I made up for attention.

Think what you want, this story is the truth. Do what you want; I know I’ll have the few people who will still stick with me, even if they do realize the truth now.

I’m only human; I’m only a living person, who has a human way of thinking. Sometimes I have my ups, sometimes I have downs, and just like every other human in this world I have my secrets. Us humans, we aren’t really all that different. We each just have our different ways of expressing how we feel, we each have our own secrets, we each have our own emotions, every one of us all have a story to tell.

This is my story, not yours, not anyone else’s. My own personal story of things people don’t know about me, believe it if you want, or continue believing the lies. But this is me. And this is only the start of my journey through life.

So, I finally finished this, gah glad I was sitting alone though XD

Or people would think I was insane @-@