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 Posted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 6:42 pm
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Posted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 7:05 pm
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Beloved Conversationalist
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Posted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 8:46 pm
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Posted: Wed Oct 16, 2013 5:27 pm
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A lot of women one day dream of being married to the right man. Pray for a mate to come your way. God knows what men out there would be right for you. God is the best matchmaker their is since he knows each person better than they know themselves. Perhaps on some questions you have, a series I started in my guild may help. This is part 2 called the dating/engaged couple. Perhaps it'll have some good information concerning this topic:
The Dating/Engaged Couple
Some of us in our lives may have dated someone whether it was one person, two people, or more than that in an attempt to find a potential lifetime partner. Perhaps some of us have even gotten engaged or married because we have found someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with, and perhaps some of us haven't.
Dating as well as engagements may be times in our life that have been wonderful, or perhaps there was heartbreak. Whatever the case may be, I believe God brings people into our lives with reason, and God will bring two people together to marry if that is the plan He has for their life.
First of all, there is a wonderful book that I would like to mention before I get started. I read it a couple years ago in one sitting and thought that it was a wonderful Christian book with plenty of insight about purity in a dating and/or engaged relationship. This book is called Dating Delilah by Judah Smith. There is also a website for this book that explains what the book is back and they have an audio book and the book on a PDF (not sure if it's free or not), but his book can be found here: http://datingdelilah.org/. There is also a workbook that goes to this book to actively help you in keeping your relationship pure for God.
When we find someone who we end up dating or get engaged to someone we've been dating, it can put a lot on our minds. It may be feelings of doubt or fear if things aren't going smoothly, and other times - it may be feelings and thoughts that cloud our minds of, "I love him/her so much!" because we tend to think about them constantly. This is something that can get in the way of spending our time with God because we think about our boyfriend/girlfriend or fiance/fiancee often and they are all on our minds, and at times we want to spent almost every waking moment with them.
Because of this, it never hurts to have a Bible study with your boyfriend/girlfriend or fiance/fiancee at some point in time and pray together about things such as getting engaged or about a future marriage bringing the two of you together. Consult God as a couple, don't be afraid to do so even if you're dating! Also, it's beneficial to study God's word on your own and pray to God on your own time as well and everyone should make time for that no matter what is going on in their life.
Dating and engagement have quite a bit in common, even though they are two different things. I feel at this point that I should separate them into two different sections here to cover these topics more accurately and to avoid any confusion. Some stuff that I will mention in "the dating couple" section is definitely applicable for an engaged couple. If there are any confusions, please post below and I'd be more than happy to explain!
The Dating Couple
Communicate with God
When you're dating someone you love, continue to make time for God in your everyday life. Don't be afraid to talk to God about your current relationship with a man/woman. Make sure to continue to serve God and make time to do so.
Dating for Fun Vs. Serious Committed Dating
In society today, a lot of people will date for "fun" and not for committment to see if the person that they are dating is a potential lifetime partner to marry. Dating for "fun" can lead to many temptations, the main one is sleeping together before marriage. If two people are dating for fun, this is a tempation that may come up. This temptation can even come up in a serious committed relationship. Both people in the relationship should be committed to each other as well as to purity (abstaining from sex before marriage).
Dating just for fun is something that is likely to lead to heartbreak and it's possible to develop an unhealthy relationship with that other person if it's only for "fun" and not for anything serious.
I believe that Christians should stay away from "dating for fun" since there doesn't seem to be anything honorable about it because it's for a selfish desire.
I've wandered around the gaia forums many times seeing people ask, "What is true love?" and even people in real life who wonder. The perfect definition that I love to use because it always reigns true is:
1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 NIV:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
If you are in a relationship that is impatient, disrespectful, envious, boastful, prideful, dishonorable, self-seeking, angry, holding resentment, possibly wanting revenge, dishonest, neglectful, hated, or laziness then you are not in a relationship where true love exists.
Now, each of us as humans have our flaws and some of us may be naturally lazy, perhaps a bit sarcastic, or even a bit prideful - but with God those can be overcome. Through God, we can work to avoid our flaws that can cause us to sin.
There is the debate in the Christian community about whether "dating" is considered a "Christian practice". Some day that "dating" is practiced by non-Christians. Most choose to call it "courtship" instead. I personally don't believe there's anything wrong with calling it "dating". Although, whether a person calls it "dating" or "courtship" - I don't see how it matters what they call it, as long as their relationship has good morals, qualities of true love, and puts God in the center.
Don't be afraid of setting your own expectations
Some people may say not to set expectations while dating because it's difficult to find somebody.
In my life, I set high expectations for dating. In my later teen years, I dated a couple times and I felt like I "always ended up with the jerks." I felt like I must have high expectations because I am in relationships that failed. No, it wasn't necessarily the expectations that were the root of the issue, it was that the qualities of true love didn't exist. My expectations were to find a Christian man who didn't curse/swear, one that would be a good Biblical influence on me, someone who could make me laugh, someone who could do math and was good at home/car repair (because I fail at these things), and I'm sure I had many more expectations. I thought that in itself was asking a lot. It wasn't too much for God - I met a man that met all my expectations and we ended up married. So don't be afraid of expectations, nothing is too tough for God. Make sure your expectations are reasonable things as well.
Be cautious in having a partner who is not a christian
There is scripture that warns us of being in a relationship with someone who is not of our faith (ex. Deuteronomy 7:3 - 4; 2 Corinthians 6:14). This is because if for example one serves God while the other serves another god that is not our God - there are different loyalties. One will be focused on their religion, while the other person is focused on theirs.
The beliefs we have affect our every day life. It affects our perception about the world, it can affect what we do or don't eat, it affects the way we see how a relationship should be, it can affect our daily schedule, etc.
When in a relationship with an unbeliever, keep in mind important topics that need to be discussed. Raising children may be a topic that would be difficult of people of two different religious backgrounds because one may say, "I want to teach them what I believe," when they other parent may say, "No, I want to teach them what I belive." It can cause confusion for a child, and some couples who are two different religions decide not to talk about it and keep it quiet and let the child decide for themselves. However, we are told to have our children grow up in the Lord (Proverbs 22:6, 2 Timothy 3:14 - 15, Ephesians 6:4, etc). It's important a couple knows what each other beliefs so that they can see if they are compatible enough and without a doubt to move onto engagement and then marriage. If any doubts are present, it's better to examine the situation. Do not move forward in a relationship when there are doubts. Communicate these doubts, and talk to God about them, too!
There have been times where Christian couples have gotten married and one turns atheist or to a different religion. In this case, it's best to follow 1 Peter 3:1 and that the spouse may be won over by the behavior of their wives.
Remain pure and faithful
This applies to both dating and engaged couples as well as even married couples! It means not having sexual relations of any type until the both of you are married. If you fail to remain pure, there is a spiritual connection between the two of you that will remain there while you both live. In a sense, you are married at this point. Moving onto another person and having sexual relations would be adultery.
Be faithful to the on in whom you are dating, engaged, or married to. Don't cheat and don't seek pleasure from outside sources.
Be cautious in a relationship and set boundaries. In dating, assess, "How far should I go in this relationship as a Christian? Do I feel that holding hands is okay? How about long hugs? What about a kiss on the cheek/lips? What about a french kiss?" These are important issues.
I don't personally see anything wrong with holding hands, longer hugs, or a kiss on the lips or cheek during dating. However, if this can cause either of you to stumble - don't do it! Sometimes when people get into making out it can lead to a strong sexual temptation so take caution. Let your partner know that you have boundaries and explain why you have these boundaries - talk to your partner about them.
Some argue what is considerd "sexual contact". Some say that sexual contact is intercourse only, while other things such as oral sex or fingering/touching in intimate/private areas are considered okay to some. I personally would say to abstain from all of it until after marriage. One form of sexual contact can lead to another. Even if some forms of sexual contact aren't considered "sexual contact" by some they can very well lead to sex.
Attraction and Love
Too many times in society, attraction generally means someone who "looks beautiful". This is often deceiving. If there is a man at an event that is charming, cleaned up nice, looks rich, and has an attractive figure - does that make him truly attractive? He could look perfect on the outside, but inside be harboring hate, deceit, greed, envy, etc. If you looked to the other side of the room at this event, and you notice a woman who may not appear "Hollywood Beautiful" being skinny with the perfect hair and the perfect makeup and the perfect smile. Some may not bother this woman because they find her unattractive, but what if in the inside - she has a heart full of kindness, gentleness, and a true love for God? Wouldn't it be shameful to find this rich man far more attractive than a woman who is unattractive on the outside, but inside full of beauty because she humbles herself before the Lord.
You should date someone who you feel entirely attracted to and someone you love. My definition here of "attraction" isn't going after someone who is rich, someone who looks 'hot', but rather I mean someone you are attracted to not only by physical means, but by emotional and spiritual means as well. True beauty comes from the inside, so make sure you're not only attracted to a person's physique - make sure you are attracted to the person they are on the inside. You need to be able to communicate, and both having wisdom as Christians and sharing it with each other can sharpen each other, be attracted in their love for Jesus, be attracted to how they serve God, etc. If you are attracted to all these different aspects in one person then they just may be the person for you.
Compatibility
Be sure you are honest with each other. Make sure you both can deal with any and every season of each other's life. Discuss your hopes, dreams, and perhaps where you see yourself in 10 years. See the hopes and dreams that you have that are similar. Are some of these hopes and dreams a bit different? Are they too different that you won't be compatible (for example: one wants kids, the other doesn't; one wants a farm; one wants to be in the city; one of you is pro-life while the other is pro-choice).
Be sure the both of you can communicate effectively (no unhealthy arguing, criticizing one another, yelling to make a point, using anger, etc.)
In the compatibility subject, most people after a time know in their hearts when their relationship with someone else is fading or may not work out. We should trust this gut instinct as well as question it by thinking, "What is not right?" and, "Is this something that will get worse, better, or not change at all?" depending on the situation. I covered a bit of compatibility in the other topics above if you combine them together.
The Engaged Couple
Some of us have already been engaged and then married, perhaps others have had an engagement that failed, and perhaps some are dating in a serious committed relationship and feel that engagement may be in their future. Whatever the reason, some of us experience being engaged.
Not a lazy decision
Being engaged is the next step before getting married. A couple should consider their engagement carefully before getting married. Questions need to be asked because engagement/marriage is probably one of the biggest life decisions a person can make.
If you get proposed to, don't say, "Yes." just because you feel pressured by a crowd nearby whether they are strangers or close friends/family. That is, if you are unexpectedly asked, "Will you marry me?" Before I got engaged to be married, we talked it out. We both talked about engagement and getting married. When he proposed is was between only us. Most people that ask, "How did your husband propose to you?" They end up being incredibly bored with the story because we talked about it carefully and when he proposed in his own way, I definitely knew that he was going to ask me to marry him.
I feel that today's society is so wrapped around, "If a guy proposes to his girlfriend, he needs to think of a super creative way to pop the question and figure out the perfect time and place whether it's at her favorite restaurant, at her birthday party, whatever it may be." I see nothing wrong with thinking of something cute and creative to pop the question. I just feel that a couple should talk about engagement if their relationship get's to the point where it's serious because it's important and there's nothing wrong with that.
If a couple gets engaged and realizes that maybe it's not the right decision for them because of some factors that have come up, it's wise to reevaluate both of your feelings. I can imagine a cancelled engagement is hard to deal, but it happens. There are many different scenarios that cause this to happen, but if an engagement is cancelled - be sure to put God in the center and consult God.
If you can't see yourself happily married to the person whom you are engaged to, and you don't have peaceful thoughts about marrying them, your mind, body, and/or soul is trying to tell you that something isn't quite right here - that this may not be the person for you. It's important to think about these things.
Try not to rush it
You know, I'm not exactly one to be lecturing anyone on this because my husband and I wanted to take things slow, but we got married the same year we had met.
However, I will express how important it is not to get blindsided by a burst of romance and immediately rush to the altar or the courthouse...wherever it may be.
Taking time is important. It's important to grow in your relationship to whom you are dating or engaged to. To see your partner in every season of the year may be a good idea, to be able to see how each other reacts during good and bad times, etc. It's important that you know that you are compatible and are serious about this committment. Marriage is an important decision, which can be a life changing one physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Make sure you are giving your heart to someone who will handle it with care and be gentle with it. Someone who won't leave you to suffer in heartache.
If you have any doubts about the person you are marrying, communicate any of these doubts to your partner. It's important they know because they are in this relationship as well. Don't marry with doubts weighing on your shoulders because if these doubts are unresolved, they can later stir up problems for the married couple.
Marriage takes work
Dating takes effort on both you and your partner to keep it together. Marriage shouldn't be much different, right?
Well, you will both have to continue making efforts towards the relationship to work, and other duties will be added to this.
Never go into marriage thinking, "We've dated, we get along, this is a piece of cake!" Marriage isn't a piece of cake, a walk in the park, or a picnic, it does actually take work.
Both of you will have to know how you will financially support yourselves once your married. Finances are important! Be sure to address things to your partner such as:
-If you have a good credit score, bad credit score, or no credit score (this can affect if you are both able to buy a home, a car, etc).
-Are you a saver or a spender?
-Do either of you have a shopping addiction?
-Are either of you currently in debt for any reason? (debt can affect your marriage greatly because of the stress that comes with it, not being able to go out and buy what you would like to have due to owing money, etc.)
-After we wed, are we going to buy a home or rent a living space?
-How will we afford monthly expenses?
-Would both of us have to work or one of us to maintain a living?
-If our finances fall through for any reason, what's our backup plan?
-How will we afford other miscellaneous expenses (ex. school, medical, memberships to gyms/clubs, etc.)
Pre-Marital Counseling
Some couples believe it's a good idea to do pre-marital counseling for the benefit of their relationship to see if they are compatible, because it's required to use a certain church building, or because the minister/pastor marrying them requires it first. Some churches urge couples to go through with their pre-marital counseling first. Some couples go through pre-marital counseling without any problems with the process, while others may explain differently.
Pre-marital counseling is generally a personal choice between the couple. I'm personally not a fan of marital counseling because I didn't want to explain personal details about our marriage that I felt should be between us. I didn't feel comfortable talking about the sex subject between my fiance and I in front of a stranger. I didn't want there to be a complication in which one of us told something to the counselor first before we told each other possibly leading to a trust issue. We both got pre-marital counseling books and we went over them together - wrote our answers down and showed them to each other to see where our similarities and differences lie and how we will handle them. We also openly communicated about the questions as well to see what issues we needed to cover. We talked a lot so we covered most of the topics before we looked at the books, but the books to use between just us were an excellent tool to use.
A decision to do or not to do pre-marital counseling is solely between the couple.
Relationships with God
Maintain your relationship with God and involve him in this decision-making process! Make sure you spend daily time with God, it is especialy important for every Christian! In a marriage, you still need to make time with God, both alone time with God and time with God with other Christians is important. Make some time for yourself and God. Also, for other times, have Bible studies, prayer, or go to church with your spouse. You can both encourage each other. Just because marriage has come up doesn't put God on the back-burner. If anything, God should still be first.
It's important that God is part of both of your lives. If you are dating or are engaged to someone of a different religion or an atheist, it's risky to go into it with a mind of, "I can get them to convert." We cannot force someone to convert - we cannot change their heart, only God can. An unbeliever may fake a conversion to gain acceptance. Even if they do convert, remember that new Christians lack maturity of a person who has been a Christian for many years building a foundation, they are just them starting from scratch. Just a few thoughts to keep in mind.
Relationships with Other People
I won't lie, you may lose some of your single friends, or friends that wish they were single after you get married.
Some are afraid to get married because they are afraid of losing their good friends and this shouldn't be. I am not sure what is up with society and this, but a lot of single friends leave their married friends because they feel neglected because the other person has to spend more time with their spouse and less with friends. Some of those who are single may feel jealous, or may have had a crush on their friend's spouse so they withdraw.
While marriage is a wonderful thing and should make friend's happy - in today's culture, this is not generally the case. There is mor jealousy and envy than anything else because sometimes the single friend doesn't understand that their newly wed friend has marital duties to take care of first.
When I was engaged, my single friend's were still there with me. They went to the wedding and I thought, "All is well! I have a spouse and many wonderful friends!"
By the end of the first year of our marriage, I had lost most of my close, single friends. One of those friends I had for more than 10 years, another I had for about 6 years, and another I had for about 3 or 4 years. Some withdrew themselves and didn't want to be around my husband at all - they would tend to ask, "When does your husband get home?" so they could leave before then. Some of my friends acted plain weird after I got married - I saw a side of them that I had never seen before. I cut some of those friendships because they were starting to grow toxic. Another friendship ended I think due to frustration. They'd want me to hang out and I would say, "I can't, my husband has schoolwork and then we're going to hang out." and then she said, "While he's doing homework, I can come pick you up and we can hang out!" and I said, "I'm not going without my husband. It's like leaving part of me behind." I chose not to go - it's not that I couldn't go, it's that I chose to spend time with my husband. Then my friend said, "Whatever." They got frustrated I had marital duties to take care of first. It's heartbreaking to me, but I figure, "They must not have been truly good friends if they left or became toxic after I got married."
Toxic friends can happen so couples need to be vigilant with that - toxic friends are generally friends who are single or wish to be single. It isn't that all single friends are bad and that couples shouldn't hang out with them or have their girl's night/guy's night out. It's that some become toxic because they either mean well and give horrible advice that makes the marriage crumble, they are intentionally trying to split up the couple, or they are wanting someone who can hang out with them often without having respect for their marital duties at home. Toxic friends will generally take up any extra time from one spouse, and perhaps the toxic friend will make excuses for their married friend to come over - sometimes by manipulation. Let's say the newly wed friend has a weakness for helping others, the toxic friend may take advantage and say, "I'm not feeling too well and I have so much to get done," or, "I got home late and I have so many chores to get done today. I wish I had some help." A kind-hearted person may not be able to say, "No." to this and stop whatever they are doing and go over to their friends house and it will generally last longer than those chores take to get done because they want to spend as much time as humanly possible with their friend. Toxic friends can make a marriage crumble - it generally takes time before it gets to that point, but it can end up in divorce. So couples must be vigilant!
Priorities
God is the center of your relationship and He always comes first because He is able to provide, offer guidance, understand your troubles, etc. God can help keep a relationship strong and healthy. Your spouse will come second to God. You are to put your spouse before everything but God.
After you get married, your priorities will change so be sure you are ready for that as well.
If one or both of you want to finish school or something else that is important for your future before marriage so you can concentrate on your studies then finish school first. I don't think it's wrong or irresponsible for a couple to get married while attending school, but having a marriage to take care of may make things a bit more challenging is all
Marriage will involve sacrifice. Perhaps at a time, one of you may sacrifice a precious belonging to help pay the bills. Perhaps you'll sacrifice an evening of a sporting game to be with your spouse instead. You will need to make sacrifices for one another - sacrificing something you'd like to do to be attentive to your spouse.
This doesn't mean that it's not okay to have some you time once in a while, or to have some space and enjoy a hobby. This doesn't mean you'll have to give up every event you want to go to, or pass up every opportunity to hang out with friends. However, you will give up some of your time in order to spend time with your spouse to keep the marriage alive - this shouldn't ever feel like a chore, but if it does, think about what may be wrong in the marriage.
Some people may think after they are married that it's okay to go to wild parties where people are drinking, dancing, having a good time - and possibly enjoying other sexual entertainment. While being a Christian, these are best to avoid anyway. While being married, these are definitely best to avoid.
Support from Family/Friends
Now, there are some couples out there that want support from family and friends because it is a big deal and it is because we expect family and friends to support us and encourage us when having to make a big decision.
Sometimes friends and family can see what's going on from the outside, and it is your choice whether to let that influence your decision.
However, there will be times where friends may not support for certain reasons, and even family may not approve. What it boils down to is, "Is my marriage decision right with God?"
God is the best support system because He knows what your future holds, whether your fiance/finacee is the right one for you.
I say this because I suppose a lot of people out there have encouragement from family and friends when they are getting married. I mostly say this for those out there who wish they had support from family/friends regarding their decision, but they don't get that support. I have experience in this because I never felt my mother especially was supportive of my marriage, but my dad offered some advice and basically said, "It's your choice, but make sure you can afford it and you're not going anywhere anytime soon so you have time." After being married a few years already, my mother still doesn't seem that appreciative of my husband and I'm not 100% sure why. I wanted support from both of my parents. They went to my wedding, but there was a lot of heartache from not getting enough support. I knew that God was my best support system and He has given me a wonderful spouse.
Do you bring out the best in each other?
This is something that's interesting to think about and talk about.
I see a lot of married couples say that their husband/wife encourages them to be their best. This question reveals the quality of the relationship. If your partner brings out the best in you, it can show that they are supportive, encouraging, and they are passionate about becoming part of your life. In healthy relationships, people help each other grow.
I hope this topic covered a great deal about dating and engagement. If there are any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to post them below. I hope the subject matter isn't confusing or not quite organized, but easy to understand. It's a subject matter that one could write an entire book on, but I tried to keep it short so that everyone has a chance to sit down and read it. I hope I was able to pass on some words of encouragement or wisdom to others.
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Posted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 4:58 pm
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Aquatic_blue A lot of women one day dream of being married to the right man. Pray for a mate to come your way. God knows what men out there would be right for you. God is the best matchmaker their is since he knows each person better than they know themselves. Perhaps on some questions you have, a series I started in my guild may help. This is part 2 called the dating/engaged couple. Perhaps it'll have some good information concerning this topic: The Dating/Engaged Couple Some of us in our lives may have dated someone whether it was one person, two people, or more than that in an attempt to find a potential lifetime partner. Perhaps some of us have even gotten engaged or married because we have found someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with, and perhaps some of us haven't. Dating as well as engagements may be times in our life that have been wonderful, or perhaps there was heartbreak. Whatever the case may be, I believe God brings people into our lives with reason, and God will bring two people together to marry if that is the plan He has for their life. First of all, there is a wonderful book that I would like to mention before I get started. I read it a couple years ago in one sitting and thought that it was a wonderful Christian book with plenty of insight about purity in a dating and/or engaged relationship. This book is called Dating Delilah by Judah Smith. There is also a website for this book that explains what the book is back and they have an audio book and the book on a PDF (not sure if it's free or not), but his book can be found here: http://datingdelilah.org/. There is also a workbook that goes to this book to actively help you in keeping your relationship pure for God. When we find someone who we end up dating or get engaged to someone we've been dating, it can put a lot on our minds. It may be feelings of doubt or fear if things aren't going smoothly, and other times - it may be feelings and thoughts that cloud our minds of, "I love him/her so much!" because we tend to think about them constantly. This is something that can get in the way of spending our time with God because we think about our boyfriend/girlfriend or fiance/fiancee often and they are all on our minds, and at times we want to spent almost every waking moment with them. Because of this, it never hurts to have a Bible study with your boyfriend/girlfriend or fiance/fiancee at some point in time and pray together about things such as getting engaged or about a future marriage bringing the two of you together. Consult God as a couple, don't be afraid to do so even if you're dating! Also, it's beneficial to study God's word on your own and pray to God on your own time as well and everyone should make time for that no matter what is going on in their life. Dating and engagement have quite a bit in common, even though they are two different things. I feel at this point that I should separate them into two different sections here to cover these topics more accurately and to avoid any confusion. Some stuff that I will mention in "the dating couple" section is definitely applicable for an engaged couple. If there are any confusions, please post below and I'd be more than happy to explain! The Dating Couple
Communicate with God When you're dating someone you love, continue to make time for God in your everyday life. Don't be afraid to talk to God about your current relationship with a man/woman. Make sure to continue to serve God and make time to do so. Dating for Fun Vs. Serious Committed Dating In society today, a lot of people will date for "fun" and not for committment to see if the person that they are dating is a potential lifetime partner to marry. Dating for "fun" can lead to many temptations, the main one is sleeping together before marriage. If two people are dating for fun, this is a tempation that may come up. This temptation can even come up in a serious committed relationship. Both people in the relationship should be committed to each other as well as to purity (abstaining from sex before marriage). Dating just for fun is something that is likely to lead to heartbreak and it's possible to develop an unhealthy relationship with that other person if it's only for "fun" and not for anything serious. I believe that Christians should stay away from "dating for fun" since there doesn't seem to be anything honorable about it because it's for a selfish desire. I've wandered around the gaia forums many times seeing people ask, "What is true love?" and even people in real life who wonder. The perfect definition that I love to use because it always reigns true is: 1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 NIV:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.If you are in a relationship that is impatient, disrespectful, envious, boastful, prideful, dishonorable, self-seeking, angry, holding resentment, possibly wanting revenge, dishonest, neglectful, hated, or laziness then you are not in a relationship where true love exists. Now, each of us as humans have our flaws and some of us may be naturally lazy, perhaps a bit sarcastic, or even a bit prideful - but with God those can be overcome. Through God, we can work to avoid our flaws that can cause us to sin. There is the debate in the Christian community about whether "dating" is considered a "Christian practice". Some day that "dating" is practiced by non-Christians. Most choose to call it "courtship" instead. I personally don't believe there's anything wrong with calling it "dating". Although, whether a person calls it "dating" or "courtship" - I don't see how it matters what they call it, as long as their relationship has good morals, qualities of true love, and puts God in the center. Don't be afraid of setting your own expectations Some people may say not to set expectations while dating because it's difficult to find somebody. In my life, I set high expectations for dating. In my later teen years, I dated a couple times and I felt like I "always ended up with the jerks." I felt like I must have high expectations because I am in relationships that failed. No, it wasn't necessarily the expectations that were the root of the issue, it was that the qualities of true love didn't exist. My expectations were to find a Christian man who didn't curse/swear, one that would be a good Biblical influence on me, someone who could make me laugh, someone who could do math and was good at home/car repair (because I fail at these things), and I'm sure I had many more expectations. I thought that in itself was asking a lot. It wasn't too much for God - I met a man that met all my expectations and we ended up married. So don't be afraid of expectations, nothing is too tough for God. Make sure your expectations are reasonable things as well. Be cautious in having a partner who is not a christian There is scripture that warns us of being in a relationship with someone who is not of our faith (ex. Deuteronomy 7:3 - 4; 2 Corinthians 6:14). This is because if for example one serves God while the other serves another god that is not our God - there are different loyalties. One will be focused on their religion, while the other person is focused on theirs. The beliefs we have affect our every day life. It affects our perception about the world, it can affect what we do or don't eat, it affects the way we see how a relationship should be, it can affect our daily schedule, etc. When in a relationship with an unbeliever, keep in mind important topics that need to be discussed. Raising children may be a topic that would be difficult of people of two different religious backgrounds because one may say, "I want to teach them what I believe," when they other parent may say, "No, I want to teach them what I belive." It can cause confusion for a child, and some couples who are two different religions decide not to talk about it and keep it quiet and let the child decide for themselves. However, we are told to have our children grow up in the Lord (Proverbs 22:6, 2 Timothy 3:14 - 15, Ephesians 6:4, etc). It's important a couple knows what each other beliefs so that they can see if they are compatible enough and without a doubt to move onto engagement and then marriage. If any doubts are present, it's better to examine the situation. Do not move forward in a relationship when there are doubts. Communicate these doubts, and talk to God about them, too! There have been times where Christian couples have gotten married and one turns atheist or to a different religion. In this case, it's best to follow 1 Peter 3:1 and that the spouse may be won over by the behavior of their wives. Remain pure and faithful This applies to both dating and engaged couples as well as even married couples! It means not having sexual relations of any type until the both of you are married. If you fail to remain pure, there is a spiritual connection between the two of you that will remain there while you both live. In a sense, you are married at this point. Moving onto another person and having sexual relations would be adultery. Be faithful to the on in whom you are dating, engaged, or married to. Don't cheat and don't seek pleasure from outside sources. Be cautious in a relationship and set boundaries. In dating, assess, "How far should I go in this relationship as a Christian? Do I feel that holding hands is okay? How about long hugs? What about a kiss on the cheek/lips? What about a french kiss?" These are important issues. I don't personally see anything wrong with holding hands, longer hugs, or a kiss on the lips or cheek during dating. However, if this can cause either of you to stumble - don't do it! Sometimes when people get into making out it can lead to a strong sexual temptation so take caution. Let your partner know that you have boundaries and explain why you have these boundaries - talk to your partner about them. Some argue what is considerd "sexual contact". Some say that sexual contact is intercourse only, while other things such as oral sex or fingering/touching in intimate/private areas are considered okay to some. I personally would say to abstain from all of it until after marriage. One form of sexual contact can lead to another. Even if some forms of sexual contact aren't considered "sexual contact" by some they can very well lead to sex. Attraction and Love Too many times in society, attraction generally means someone who "looks beautiful". This is often deceiving. If there is a man at an event that is charming, cleaned up nice, looks rich, and has an attractive figure - does that make him truly attractive? He could look perfect on the outside, but inside be harboring hate, deceit, greed, envy, etc. If you looked to the other side of the room at this event, and you notice a woman who may not appear "Hollywood Beautiful" being skinny with the perfect hair and the perfect makeup and the perfect smile. Some may not bother this woman because they find her unattractive, but what if in the inside - she has a heart full of kindness, gentleness, and a true love for God? Wouldn't it be shameful to find this rich man far more attractive than a woman who is unattractive on the outside, but inside full of beauty because she humbles herself before the Lord. You should date someone who you feel entirely attracted to and someone you love. My definition here of "attraction" isn't going after someone who is rich, someone who looks 'hot', but rather I mean someone you are attracted to not only by physical means, but by emotional and spiritual means as well. True beauty comes from the inside, so make sure you're not only attracted to a person's physique - make sure you are attracted to the person they are on the inside. You need to be able to communicate, and both having wisdom as Christians and sharing it with each other can sharpen each other, be attracted in their love for Jesus, be attracted to how they serve God, etc. If you are attracted to all these different aspects in one person then they just may be the person for you. Compatibility Be sure you are honest with each other. Make sure you both can deal with any and every season of each other's life. Discuss your hopes, dreams, and perhaps where you see yourself in 10 years. See the hopes and dreams that you have that are similar. Are some of these hopes and dreams a bit different? Are they too different that you won't be compatible (for example: one wants kids, the other doesn't; one wants a farm; one wants to be in the city; one of you is pro-life while the other is pro-choice). Be sure the both of you can communicate effectively (no unhealthy arguing, criticizing one another, yelling to make a point, using anger, etc.) In the compatibility subject, most people after a time know in their hearts when their relationship with someone else is fading or may not work out. We should trust this gut instinct as well as question it by thinking, "What is not right?" and, "Is this something that will get worse, better, or not change at all?" depending on the situation. I covered a bit of compatibility in the other topics above if you combine them together. The Engaged Couple Some of us have already been engaged and then married, perhaps others have had an engagement that failed, and perhaps some are dating in a serious committed relationship and feel that engagement may be in their future. Whatever the reason, some of us experience being engaged. Not a lazy decision Being engaged is the next step before getting married. A couple should consider their engagement carefully before getting married. Questions need to be asked because engagement/marriage is probably one of the biggest life decisions a person can make. If you get proposed to, don't say, "Yes." just because you feel pressured by a crowd nearby whether they are strangers or close friends/family. That is, if you are unexpectedly asked, "Will you marry me?" Before I got engaged to be married, we talked it out. We both talked about engagement and getting married. When he proposed is was between only us. Most people that ask, "How did your husband propose to you?" They end up being incredibly bored with the story because we talked about it carefully and when he proposed in his own way, I definitely knew that he was going to ask me to marry him. I feel that today's society is so wrapped around, "If a guy proposes to his girlfriend, he needs to think of a super creative way to pop the question and figure out the perfect time and place whether it's at her favorite restaurant, at her birthday party, whatever it may be." I see nothing wrong with thinking of something cute and creative to pop the question. I just feel that a couple should talk about engagement if their relationship get's to the point where it's serious because it's important and there's nothing wrong with that. If a couple gets engaged and realizes that maybe it's not the right decision for them because of some factors that have come up, it's wise to reevaluate both of your feelings. I can imagine a cancelled engagement is hard to deal, but it happens. There are many different scenarios that cause this to happen, but if an engagement is cancelled - be sure to put God in the center and consult God. If you can't see yourself happily married to the person whom you are engaged to, and you don't have peaceful thoughts about marrying them, your mind, body, and/or soul is trying to tell you that something isn't quite right here - that this may not be the person for you. It's important to think about these things. Try not to rush it You know, I'm not exactly one to be lecturing anyone on this because my husband and I wanted to take things slow, but we got married the same year we had met. However, I will express how important it is not to get blindsided by a burst of romance and immediately rush to the altar or the courthouse...wherever it may be. Taking time is important. It's important to grow in your relationship to whom you are dating or engaged to. To see your partner in every season of the year may be a good idea, to be able to see how each other reacts during good and bad times, etc. It's important that you know that you are compatible and are serious about this committment. Marriage is an important decision, which can be a life changing one physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Make sure you are giving your heart to someone who will handle it with care and be gentle with it. Someone who won't leave you to suffer in heartache. If you have any doubts about the person you are marrying, communicate any of these doubts to your partner. It's important they know because they are in this relationship as well. Don't marry with doubts weighing on your shoulders because if these doubts are unresolved, they can later stir up problems for the married couple. Marriage takes work Dating takes effort on both you and your partner to keep it together. Marriage shouldn't be much different, right? Well, you will both have to continue making efforts towards the relationship to work, and other duties will be added to this. Never go into marriage thinking, "We've dated, we get along, this is a piece of cake!" Marriage isn't a piece of cake, a walk in the park, or a picnic, it does actually take work. Both of you will have to know how you will financially support yourselves once your married. Finances are important! Be sure to address things to your partner such as: -If you have a good credit score, bad credit score, or no credit score (this can affect if you are both able to buy a home, a car, etc). -Are you a saver or a spender? -Do either of you have a shopping addiction? -Are either of you currently in debt for any reason? (debt can affect your marriage greatly because of the stress that comes with it, not being able to go out and buy what you would like to have due to owing money, etc.) -After we wed, are we going to buy a home or rent a living space? -How will we afford monthly expenses? -Would both of us have to work or one of us to maintain a living? -If our finances fall through for any reason, what's our backup plan? -How will we afford other miscellaneous expenses (ex. school, medical, memberships to gyms/clubs, etc.) Pre-Marital Counseling Some couples believe it's a good idea to do pre-marital counseling for the benefit of their relationship to see if they are compatible, because it's required to use a certain church building, or because the minister/pastor marrying them requires it first. Some churches urge couples to go through with their pre-marital counseling first. Some couples go through pre-marital counseling without any problems with the process, while others may explain differently. Pre-marital counseling is generally a personal choice between the couple. I'm personally not a fan of marital counseling because I didn't want to explain personal details about our marriage that I felt should be between us. I didn't feel comfortable talking about the sex subject between my fiance and I in front of a stranger. I didn't want there to be a complication in which one of us told something to the counselor first before we told each other possibly leading to a trust issue. We both got pre-marital counseling books and we went over them together - wrote our answers down and showed them to each other to see where our similarities and differences lie and how we will handle them. We also openly communicated about the questions as well to see what issues we needed to cover. We talked a lot so we covered most of the topics before we looked at the books, but the books to use between just us were an excellent tool to use. A decision to do or not to do pre-marital counseling is solely between the couple. Relationships with God Maintain your relationship with God and involve him in this decision-making process! Make sure you spend daily time with God, it is especialy important for every Christian! In a marriage, you still need to make time with God, both alone time with God and time with God with other Christians is important. Make some time for yourself and God. Also, for other times, have Bible studies, prayer, or go to church with your spouse. You can both encourage each other. Just because marriage has come up doesn't put God on the back-burner. If anything, God should still be first. It's important that God is part of both of your lives. If you are dating or are engaged to someone of a different religion or an atheist, it's risky to go into it with a mind of, "I can get them to convert." We cannot force someone to convert - we cannot change their heart, only God can. An unbeliever may fake a conversion to gain acceptance. Even if they do convert, remember that new Christians lack maturity of a person who has been a Christian for many years building a foundation, they are just them starting from scratch. Just a few thoughts to keep in mind. Relationships with Other People I won't lie, you may lose some of your single friends, or friends that wish they were single after you get married. Some are afraid to get married because they are afraid of losing their good friends and this shouldn't be. I am not sure what is up with society and this, but a lot of single friends leave their married friends because they feel neglected because the other person has to spend more time with their spouse and less with friends. Some of those who are single may feel jealous, or may have had a crush on their friend's spouse so they withdraw. While marriage is a wonderful thing and should make friend's happy - in today's culture, this is not generally the case. There is mor jealousy and envy than anything else because sometimes the single friend doesn't understand that their newly wed friend has marital duties to take care of first. When I was engaged, my single friend's were still there with me. They went to the wedding and I thought, "All is well! I have a spouse and many wonderful friends!" By the end of the first year of our marriage, I had lost most of my close, single friends. One of those friends I had for more than 10 years, another I had for about 6 years, and another I had for about 3 or 4 years. Some withdrew themselves and didn't want to be around my husband at all - they would tend to ask, "When does your husband get home?" so they could leave before then. Some of my friends acted plain weird after I got married - I saw a side of them that I had never seen before. I cut some of those friendships because they were starting to grow toxic. Another friendship ended I think due to frustration. They'd want me to hang out and I would say, "I can't, my husband has schoolwork and then we're going to hang out." and then she said, "While he's doing homework, I can come pick you up and we can hang out!" and I said, "I'm not going without my husband. It's like leaving part of me behind." I chose not to go - it's not that I couldn't go, it's that I chose to spend time with my husband. Then my friend said, "Whatever." They got frustrated I had marital duties to take care of first. It's heartbreaking to me, but I figure, "They must not have been truly good friends if they left or became toxic after I got married." Toxic friends can happen so couples need to be vigilant with that - toxic friends are generally friends who are single or wish to be single. It isn't that all single friends are bad and that couples shouldn't hang out with them or have their girl's night/guy's night out. It's that some become toxic because they either mean well and give horrible advice that makes the marriage crumble, they are intentionally trying to split up the couple, or they are wanting someone who can hang out with them often without having respect for their marital duties at home. Toxic friends will generally take up any extra time from one spouse, and perhaps the toxic friend will make excuses for their married friend to come over - sometimes by manipulation. Let's say the newly wed friend has a weakness for helping others, the toxic friend may take advantage and say, "I'm not feeling too well and I have so much to get done," or, "I got home late and I have so many chores to get done today. I wish I had some help." A kind-hearted person may not be able to say, "No." to this and stop whatever they are doing and go over to their friends house and it will generally last longer than those chores take to get done because they want to spend as much time as humanly possible with their friend. Toxic friends can make a marriage crumble - it generally takes time before it gets to that point, but it can end up in divorce. So couples must be vigilant! Priorities God is the center of your relationship and He always comes first because He is able to provide, offer guidance, understand your troubles, etc. God can help keep a relationship strong and healthy. Your spouse will come second to God. You are to put your spouse before everything but God. After you get married, your priorities will change so be sure you are ready for that as well. If one or both of you want to finish school or something else that is important for your future before marriage so you can concentrate on your studies then finish school first. I don't think it's wrong or irresponsible for a couple to get married while attending school, but having a marriage to take care of may make things a bit more challenging is all Marriage will involve sacrifice. Perhaps at a time, one of you may sacrifice a precious belonging to help pay the bills. Perhaps you'll sacrifice an evening of a sporting game to be with your spouse instead. You will need to make sacrifices for one another - sacrificing something you'd like to do to be attentive to your spouse. This doesn't mean that it's not okay to have some you time once in a while, or to have some space and enjoy a hobby. This doesn't mean you'll have to give up every event you want to go to, or pass up every opportunity to hang out with friends. However, you will give up some of your time in order to spend time with your spouse to keep the marriage alive - this shouldn't ever feel like a chore, but if it does, think about what may be wrong in the marriage. Some people may think after they are married that it's okay to go to wild parties where people are drinking, dancing, having a good time - and possibly enjoying other sexual entertainment. While being a Christian, these are best to avoid anyway. While being married, these are definitely best to avoid. Support from Family/Friends Now, there are some couples out there that want support from family and friends because it is a big deal and it is because we expect family and friends to support us and encourage us when having to make a big decision. Sometimes friends and family can see what's going on from the outside, and it is your choice whether to let that influence your decision. However, there will be times where friends may not support for certain reasons, and even family may not approve. What it boils down to is, "Is my marriage decision right with God?" God is the best support system because He knows what your future holds, whether your fiance/finacee is the right one for you. I say this because I suppose a lot of people out there have encouragement from family and friends when they are getting married. I mostly say this for those out there who wish they had support from family/friends regarding their decision, but they don't get that support. I have experience in this because I never felt my mother especially was supportive of my marriage, but my dad offered some advice and basically said, "It's your choice, but make sure you can afford it and you're not going anywhere anytime soon so you have time." After being married a few years already, my mother still doesn't seem that appreciative of my husband and I'm not 100% sure why. I wanted support from both of my parents. They went to my wedding, but there was a lot of heartache from not getting enough support. I knew that God was my best support system and He has given me a wonderful spouse. Do you bring out the best in each other? This is something that's interesting to think about and talk about. I see a lot of married couples say that their husband/wife encourages them to be their best. This question reveals the quality of the relationship. If your partner brings out the best in you, it can show that they are supportive, encouraging, and they are passionate about becoming part of your life. In healthy relationships, people help each other grow. I hope this topic covered a great deal about dating and engagement. If there are any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to post them below. I hope the subject matter isn't confusing or not quite organized, but easy to understand. It's a subject matter that one could write an entire book on, but I tried to keep it short so that everyone has a chance to sit down and read it. I hope I was able to pass on some words of encouragement or wisdom to others.
Thank you so much for posting this. It was very, very helpful and I will continue to read it when I am I am in a relationship and engaged (once God send me a man). |
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Posted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 9:03 pm
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Jesuslittleprincess Aquatic_blue A lot of women one day dream of being married to the right man. Pray for a mate to come your way. God knows what men out there would be right for you. God is the best matchmaker their is since he knows each person better than they know themselves. Perhaps on some questions you have, a series I started in my guild may help. This is part 2 called the dating/engaged couple. Perhaps it'll have some good information concerning this topic: The Dating/Engaged Couple Some of us in our lives may have dated someone whether it was one person, two people, or more than that in an attempt to find a potential lifetime partner. Perhaps some of us have even gotten engaged or married because we have found someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with, and perhaps some of us haven't. Dating as well as engagements may be times in our life that have been wonderful, or perhaps there was heartbreak. Whatever the case may be, I believe God brings people into our lives with reason, and God will bring two people together to marry if that is the plan He has for their life. First of all, there is a wonderful book that I would like to mention before I get started. I read it a couple years ago in one sitting and thought that it was a wonderful Christian book with plenty of insight about purity in a dating and/or engaged relationship. This book is called Dating Delilah by Judah Smith. There is also a website for this book that explains what the book is back and they have an audio book and the book on a PDF (not sure if it's free or not), but his book can be found here: http://datingdelilah.org/. There is also a workbook that goes to this book to actively help you in keeping your relationship pure for God. When we find someone who we end up dating or get engaged to someone we've been dating, it can put a lot on our minds. It may be feelings of doubt or fear if things aren't going smoothly, and other times - it may be feelings and thoughts that cloud our minds of, "I love him/her so much!" because we tend to think about them constantly. This is something that can get in the way of spending our time with God because we think about our boyfriend/girlfriend or fiance/fiancee often and they are all on our minds, and at times we want to spent almost every waking moment with them. Because of this, it never hurts to have a Bible study with your boyfriend/girlfriend or fiance/fiancee at some point in time and pray together about things such as getting engaged or about a future marriage bringing the two of you together. Consult God as a couple, don't be afraid to do so even if you're dating! Also, it's beneficial to study God's word on your own and pray to God on your own time as well and everyone should make time for that no matter what is going on in their life. Dating and engagement have quite a bit in common, even though they are two different things. I feel at this point that I should separate them into two different sections here to cover these topics more accurately and to avoid any confusion. Some stuff that I will mention in "the dating couple" section is definitely applicable for an engaged couple. If there are any confusions, please post below and I'd be more than happy to explain! The Dating Couple
Communicate with God When you're dating someone you love, continue to make time for God in your everyday life. Don't be afraid to talk to God about your current relationship with a man/woman. Make sure to continue to serve God and make time to do so. Dating for Fun Vs. Serious Committed Dating In society today, a lot of people will date for "fun" and not for committment to see if the person that they are dating is a potential lifetime partner to marry. Dating for "fun" can lead to many temptations, the main one is sleeping together before marriage. If two people are dating for fun, this is a tempation that may come up. This temptation can even come up in a serious committed relationship. Both people in the relationship should be committed to each other as well as to purity (abstaining from sex before marriage). Dating just for fun is something that is likely to lead to heartbreak and it's possible to develop an unhealthy relationship with that other person if it's only for "fun" and not for anything serious. I believe that Christians should stay away from "dating for fun" since there doesn't seem to be anything honorable about it because it's for a selfish desire. I've wandered around the gaia forums many times seeing people ask, "What is true love?" and even people in real life who wonder. The perfect definition that I love to use because it always reigns true is: 1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 NIV:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.If you are in a relationship that is impatient, disrespectful, envious, boastful, prideful, dishonorable, self-seeking, angry, holding resentment, possibly wanting revenge, dishonest, neglectful, hated, or laziness then you are not in a relationship where true love exists. Now, each of us as humans have our flaws and some of us may be naturally lazy, perhaps a bit sarcastic, or even a bit prideful - but with God those can be overcome. Through God, we can work to avoid our flaws that can cause us to sin. There is the debate in the Christian community about whether "dating" is considered a "Christian practice". Some day that "dating" is practiced by non-Christians. Most choose to call it "courtship" instead. I personally don't believe there's anything wrong with calling it "dating". Although, whether a person calls it "dating" or "courtship" - I don't see how it matters what they call it, as long as their relationship has good morals, qualities of true love, and puts God in the center. Don't be afraid of setting your own expectations Some people may say not to set expectations while dating because it's difficult to find somebody. In my life, I set high expectations for dating. In my later teen years, I dated a couple times and I felt like I "always ended up with the jerks." I felt like I must have high expectations because I am in relationships that failed. No, it wasn't necessarily the expectations that were the root of the issue, it was that the qualities of true love didn't exist. My expectations were to find a Christian man who didn't curse/swear, one that would be a good Biblical influence on me, someone who could make me laugh, someone who could do math and was good at home/car repair (because I fail at these things), and I'm sure I had many more expectations. I thought that in itself was asking a lot. It wasn't too much for God - I met a man that met all my expectations and we ended up married. So don't be afraid of expectations, nothing is too tough for God. Make sure your expectations are reasonable things as well. Be cautious in having a partner who is not a christian There is scripture that warns us of being in a relationship with someone who is not of our faith (ex. Deuteronomy 7:3 - 4; 2 Corinthians 6:14). This is because if for example one serves God while the other serves another god that is not our God - there are different loyalties. One will be focused on their religion, while the other person is focused on theirs. The beliefs we have affect our every day life. It affects our perception about the world, it can affect what we do or don't eat, it affects the way we see how a relationship should be, it can affect our daily schedule, etc. When in a relationship with an unbeliever, keep in mind important topics that need to be discussed. Raising children may be a topic that would be difficult of people of two different religious backgrounds because one may say, "I want to teach them what I believe," when they other parent may say, "No, I want to teach them what I belive." It can cause confusion for a child, and some couples who are two different religions decide not to talk about it and keep it quiet and let the child decide for themselves. However, we are told to have our children grow up in the Lord (Proverbs 22:6, 2 Timothy 3:14 - 15, Ephesians 6:4, etc). It's important a couple knows what each other beliefs so that they can see if they are compatible enough and without a doubt to move onto engagement and then marriage. If any doubts are present, it's better to examine the situation. Do not move forward in a relationship when there are doubts. Communicate these doubts, and talk to God about them, too! There have been times where Christian couples have gotten married and one turns atheist or to a different religion. In this case, it's best to follow 1 Peter 3:1 and that the spouse may be won over by the behavior of their wives. Remain pure and faithful This applies to both dating and engaged couples as well as even married couples! It means not having sexual relations of any type until the both of you are married. If you fail to remain pure, there is a spiritual connection between the two of you that will remain there while you both live. In a sense, you are married at this point. Moving onto another person and having sexual relations would be adultery. Be faithful to the on in whom you are dating, engaged, or married to. Don't cheat and don't seek pleasure from outside sources. Be cautious in a relationship and set boundaries. In dating, assess, "How far should I go in this relationship as a Christian? Do I feel that holding hands is okay? How about long hugs? What about a kiss on the cheek/lips? What about a french kiss?" These are important issues. I don't personally see anything wrong with holding hands, longer hugs, or a kiss on the lips or cheek during dating. However, if this can cause either of you to stumble - don't do it! Sometimes when people get into making out it can lead to a strong sexual temptation so take caution. Let your partner know that you have boundaries and explain why you have these boundaries - talk to your partner about them. Some argue what is considerd "sexual contact". Some say that sexual contact is intercourse only, while other things such as oral sex or fingering/touching in intimate/private areas are considered okay to some. I personally would say to abstain from all of it until after marriage. One form of sexual contact can lead to another. Even if some forms of sexual contact aren't considered "sexual contact" by some they can very well lead to sex. Attraction and Love Too many times in society, attraction generally means someone who "looks beautiful". This is often deceiving. If there is a man at an event that is charming, cleaned up nice, looks rich, and has an attractive figure - does that make him truly attractive? He could look perfect on the outside, but inside be harboring hate, deceit, greed, envy, etc. If you looked to the other side of the room at this event, and you notice a woman who may not appear "Hollywood Beautiful" being skinny with the perfect hair and the perfect makeup and the perfect smile. Some may not bother this woman because they find her unattractive, but what if in the inside - she has a heart full of kindness, gentleness, and a true love for God? Wouldn't it be shameful to find this rich man far more attractive than a woman who is unattractive on the outside, but inside full of beauty because she humbles herself before the Lord. You should date someone who you feel entirely attracted to and someone you love. My definition here of "attraction" isn't going after someone who is rich, someone who looks 'hot', but rather I mean someone you are attracted to not only by physical means, but by emotional and spiritual means as well. True beauty comes from the inside, so make sure you're not only attracted to a person's physique - make sure you are attracted to the person they are on the inside. You need to be able to communicate, and both having wisdom as Christians and sharing it with each other can sharpen each other, be attracted in their love for Jesus, be attracted to how they serve God, etc. If you are attracted to all these different aspects in one person then they just may be the person for you. Compatibility Be sure you are honest with each other. Make sure you both can deal with any and every season of each other's life. Discuss your hopes, dreams, and perhaps where you see yourself in 10 years. See the hopes and dreams that you have that are similar. Are some of these hopes and dreams a bit different? Are they too different that you won't be compatible (for example: one wants kids, the other doesn't; one wants a farm; one wants to be in the city; one of you is pro-life while the other is pro-choice). Be sure the both of you can communicate effectively (no unhealthy arguing, criticizing one another, yelling to make a point, using anger, etc.) In the compatibility subject, most people after a time know in their hearts when their relationship with someone else is fading or may not work out. We should trust this gut instinct as well as question it by thinking, "What is not right?" and, "Is this something that will get worse, better, or not change at all?" depending on the situation. I covered a bit of compatibility in the other topics above if you combine them together. The Engaged Couple Some of us have already been engaged and then married, perhaps others have had an engagement that failed, and perhaps some are dating in a serious committed relationship and feel that engagement may be in their future. Whatever the reason, some of us experience being engaged. Not a lazy decision Being engaged is the next step before getting married. A couple should consider their engagement carefully before getting married. Questions need to be asked because engagement/marriage is probably one of the biggest life decisions a person can make. If you get proposed to, don't say, "Yes." just because you feel pressured by a crowd nearby whether they are strangers or close friends/family. That is, if you are unexpectedly asked, "Will you marry me?" Before I got engaged to be married, we talked it out. We both talked about engagement and getting married. When he proposed is was between only us. Most people that ask, "How did your husband propose to you?" They end up being incredibly bored with the story because we talked about it carefully and when he proposed in his own way, I definitely knew that he was going to ask me to marry him. I feel that today's society is so wrapped around, "If a guy proposes to his girlfriend, he needs to think of a super creative way to pop the question and figure out the perfect time and place whether it's at her favorite restaurant, at her birthday party, whatever it may be." I see nothing wrong with thinking of something cute and creative to pop the question. I just feel that a couple should talk about engagement if their relationship get's to the point where it's serious because it's important and there's nothing wrong with that. If a couple gets engaged and realizes that maybe it's not the right decision for them because of some factors that have come up, it's wise to reevaluate both of your feelings. I can imagine a cancelled engagement is hard to deal, but it happens. There are many different scenarios that cause this to happen, but if an engagement is cancelled - be sure to put God in the center and consult God. If you can't see yourself happily married to the person whom you are engaged to, and you don't have peaceful thoughts about marrying them, your mind, body, and/or soul is trying to tell you that something isn't quite right here - that this may not be the person for you. It's important to think about these things. Try not to rush it You know, I'm not exactly one to be lecturing anyone on this because my husband and I wanted to take things slow, but we got married the same year we had met. However, I will express how important it is not to get blindsided by a burst of romance and immediately rush to the altar or the courthouse...wherever it may be. Taking time is important. It's important to grow in your relationship to whom you are dating or engaged to. To see your partner in every season of the year may be a good idea, to be able to see how each other reacts during good and bad times, etc. It's important that you know that you are compatible and are serious about this committment. Marriage is an important decision, which can be a life changing one physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Make sure you are giving your heart to someone who will handle it with care and be gentle with it. Someone who won't leave you to suffer in heartache. If you have any doubts about the person you are marrying, communicate any of these doubts to your partner. It's important they know because they are in this relationship as well. Don't marry with doubts weighing on your shoulders because if these doubts are unresolved, they can later stir up problems for the married couple. Marriage takes work Dating takes effort on both you and your partner to keep it together. Marriage shouldn't be much different, right? Well, you will both have to continue making efforts towards the relationship to work, and other duties will be added to this. Never go into marriage thinking, "We've dated, we get along, this is a piece of cake!" Marriage isn't a piece of cake, a walk in the park, or a picnic, it does actually take work. Both of you will have to know how you will financially support yourselves once your married. Finances are important! Be sure to address things to your partner such as: -If you have a good credit score, bad credit score, or no credit score (this can affect if you are both able to buy a home, a car, etc). -Are you a saver or a spender? -Do either of you have a shopping addiction? -Are either of you currently in debt for any reason? (debt can affect your marriage greatly because of the stress that comes with it, not being able to go out and buy what you would like to have due to owing money, etc.) -After we wed, are we going to buy a home or rent a living space? -How will we afford monthly expenses? -Would both of us have to work or one of us to maintain a living? -If our finances fall through for any reason, what's our backup plan? -How will we afford other miscellaneous expenses (ex. school, medical, memberships to gyms/clubs, etc.) Pre-Marital Counseling Some couples believe it's a good idea to do pre-marital counseling for the benefit of their relationship to see if they are compatible, because it's required to use a certain church building, or because the minister/pastor marrying them requires it first. Some churches urge couples to go through with their pre-marital counseling first. Some couples go through pre-marital counseling without any problems with the process, while others may explain differently. Pre-marital counseling is generally a personal choice between the couple. I'm personally not a fan of marital counseling because I didn't want to explain personal details about our marriage that I felt should be between us. I didn't feel comfortable talking about the sex subject between my fiance and I in front of a stranger. I didn't want there to be a complication in which one of us told something to the counselor first before we told each other possibly leading to a trust issue. We both got pre-marital counseling books and we went over them together - wrote our answers down and showed them to each other to see where our similarities and differences lie and how we will handle them. We also openly communicated about the questions as well to see what issues we needed to cover. We talked a lot so we covered most of the topics before we looked at the books, but the books to use between just us were an excellent tool to use. A decision to do or not to do pre-marital counseling is solely between the couple. Relationships with God Maintain your relationship with God and involve him in this decision-making process! Make sure you spend daily time with God, it is especialy important for every Christian! In a marriage, you still need to make time with God, both alone time with God and time with God with other Christians is important. Make some time for yourself and God. Also, for other times, have Bible studies, prayer, or go to church with your spouse. You can both encourage each other. Just because marriage has come up doesn't put God on the back-burner. If anything, God should still be first. It's important that God is part of both of your lives. If you are dating or are engaged to someone of a different religion or an atheist, it's risky to go into it with a mind of, "I can get them to convert." We cannot force someone to convert - we cannot change their heart, only God can. An unbeliever may fake a conversion to gain acceptance. Even if they do convert, remember that new Christians lack maturity of a person who has been a Christian for many years building a foundation, they are just them starting from scratch. Just a few thoughts to keep in mind. Relationships with Other People I won't lie, you may lose some of your single friends, or friends that wish they were single after you get married. Some are afraid to get married because they are afraid of losing their good friends and this shouldn't be. I am not sure what is up with society and this, but a lot of single friends leave their married friends because they feel neglected because the other person has to spend more time with their spouse and less with friends. Some of those who are single may feel jealous, or may have had a crush on their friend's spouse so they withdraw. While marriage is a wonderful thing and should make friend's happy - in today's culture, this is not generally the case. There is mor jealousy and envy than anything else because sometimes the single friend doesn't understand that their newly wed friend has marital duties to take care of first. When I was engaged, my single friend's were still there with me. They went to the wedding and I thought, "All is well! I have a spouse and many wonderful friends!" By the end of the first year of our marriage, I had lost most of my close, single friends. One of those friends I had for more than 10 years, another I had for about 6 years, and another I had for about 3 or 4 years. Some withdrew themselves and didn't want to be around my husband at all - they would tend to ask, "When does your husband get home?" so they could leave before then. Some of my friends acted plain weird after I got married - I saw a side of them that I had never seen before. I cut some of those friendships because they were starting to grow toxic. Another friendship ended I think due to frustration. They'd want me to hang out and I would say, "I can't, my husband has schoolwork and then we're going to hang out." and then she said, "While he's doing homework, I can come pick you up and we can hang out!" and I said, "I'm not going without my husband. It's like leaving part of me behind." I chose not to go - it's not that I couldn't go, it's that I chose to spend time with my husband. Then my friend said, "Whatever." They got frustrated I had marital duties to take care of first. It's heartbreaking to me, but I figure, "They must not have been truly good friends if they left or became toxic after I got married." Toxic friends can happen so couples need to be vigilant with that - toxic friends are generally friends who are single or wish to be single. It isn't that all single friends are bad and that couples shouldn't hang out with them or have their girl's night/guy's night out. It's that some become toxic because they either mean well and give horrible advice that makes the marriage crumble, they are intentionally trying to split up the couple, or they are wanting someone who can hang out with them often without having respect for their marital duties at home. Toxic friends will generally take up any extra time from one spouse, and perhaps the toxic friend will make excuses for their married friend to come over - sometimes by manipulation. Let's say the newly wed friend has a weakness for helping others, the toxic friend may take advantage and say, "I'm not feeling too well and I have so much to get done," or, "I got home late and I have so many chores to get done today. I wish I had some help." A kind-hearted person may not be able to say, "No." to this and stop whatever they are doing and go over to their friends house and it will generally last longer than those chores take to get done because they want to spend as much time as humanly possible with their friend. Toxic friends can make a marriage crumble - it generally takes time before it gets to that point, but it can end up in divorce. So couples must be vigilant! Priorities God is the center of your relationship and He always comes first because He is able to provide, offer guidance, understand your troubles, etc. God can help keep a relationship strong and healthy. Your spouse will come second to God. You are to put your spouse before everything but God. After you get married, your priorities will change so be sure you are ready for that as well. If one or both of you want to finish school or something else that is important for your future before marriage so you can concentrate on your studies then finish school first. I don't think it's wrong or irresponsible for a couple to get married while attending school, but having a marriage to take care of may make things a bit more challenging is all Marriage will involve sacrifice. Perhaps at a time, one of you may sacrifice a precious belonging to help pay the bills. Perhaps you'll sacrifice an evening of a sporting game to be with your spouse instead. You will need to make sacrifices for one another - sacrificing something you'd like to do to be attentive to your spouse. This doesn't mean that it's not okay to have some you time once in a while, or to have some space and enjoy a hobby. This doesn't mean you'll have to give up every event you want to go to, or pass up every opportunity to hang out with friends. However, you will give up some of your time in order to spend time with your spouse to keep the marriage alive - this shouldn't ever feel like a chore, but if it does, think about what may be wrong in the marriage. Some people may think after they are married that it's okay to go to wild parties where people are drinking, dancing, having a good time - and possibly enjoying other sexual entertainment. While being a Christian, these are best to avoid anyway. While being married, these are definitely best to avoid. Support from Family/Friends Now, there are some couples out there that want support from family and friends because it is a big deal and it is because we expect family and friends to support us and encourage us when having to make a big decision. Sometimes friends and family can see what's going on from the outside, and it is your choice whether to let that influence your decision. However, there will be times where friends may not support for certain reasons, and even family may not approve. What it boils down to is, "Is my marriage decision right with God?" God is the best support system because He knows what your future holds, whether your fiance/finacee is the right one for you. I say this because I suppose a lot of people out there have encouragement from family and friends when they are getting married. I mostly say this for those out there who wish they had support from family/friends regarding their decision, but they don't get that support. I have experience in this because I never felt my mother especially was supportive of my marriage, but my dad offered some advice and basically said, "It's your choice, but make sure you can afford it and you're not going anywhere anytime soon so you have time." After being married a few years already, my mother still doesn't seem that appreciative of my husband and I'm not 100% sure why. I wanted support from both of my parents. They went to my wedding, but there was a lot of heartache from not getting enough support. I knew that God was my best support system and He has given me a wonderful spouse. Do you bring out the best in each other? This is something that's interesting to think about and talk about. I see a lot of married couples say that their husband/wife encourages them to be their best. This question reveals the quality of the relationship. If your partner brings out the best in you, it can show that they are supportive, encouraging, and they are passionate about becoming part of your life. In healthy relationships, people help each other grow. I hope this topic covered a great deal about dating and engagement. If there are any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to post them below. I hope the subject matter isn't confusing or not quite organized, but easy to understand. It's a subject matter that one could write an entire book on, but I tried to keep it short so that everyone has a chance to sit down and read it. I hope I was able to pass on some words of encouragement or wisdom to others.Thank you so much for posting this. It was very, very helpful and I will continue to read it when I am I am in a relationship and engaged (once God send me a man).
You're welcome =] |
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Beloved Conversationalist
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Posted: Tue Nov 12, 2013 11:23 am
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Jesuslittleprincess Crinis Do Not Judge. ''You don't know what storm Hi there!
I've actually got a little insight from one young lady of the Lord to another. Could you tell me what verse you are referring to if you can recall it before I go on?I've asked her to go through.'' ~God Thank you so much for replying. Song of Solomon 8:4 Young women of Jerusalem, swear to me that you will not awaken love or arouse love before its proper time!
I would like to start off by saying I am sorry it took so long to reply. I'm starting to realize with this hectic and busy time of year and all I'm involved in on Gaia, it seems I don't get all my notifications and only now found this on of your reply. My apologies. (I will try to look more thoroughly on my pages *determined nod-nod*)
I believe that the Bible speaks to different people in different ways because God knew that we all have different ways of thinking. Hence the typical abbreviation for the Bible (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth) I feel that there are somethings however that many can come to agree and understand together from the heart on, and love is the most powerful and biggest one of them all, once it's understood what it is, and what it is not.
I never believed in the ''love hurts'' saying in the sense of ''Oh, I was rejected and cast to the side by a previous love experience'' because I feel that love is uplifting. The absence or feeling rejected and such forth is what hurts.
That said, I had a time where I was really burned. I had been with someone that I thought I would marry one day and tried hard to hang onto it when it was showing it was falling apart. I feel that it was a way to see first-hand love is truly something that is with open hands, not clung to. There was even an eye-opening sermon at my ministry on that that I took to heart and will never forget. I felt closer to God after some time of praying and taking it to heart.
Eventually, I met the Godly man I'd hoped for. But I had to learn what it was and what is was not to know he was the one, you know?
I by no means am trying to say this is the same way you will learn or understand. I feel though, that when you really pray and set your heart to it, you'll eventually understand what it is about love that you learn. When you do, you will recognize it in the right place at the right time that God has set up for you.
Hang in there, he is on his way. smile
I've asked her to go through.'' ~God |
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