The Ramblings of a Forlorn Lunatic [personal/rant]

[Mother Molly]

The Malignant and the Benign pt 1
Mood: Casual
Now Playing: Woke Up This Morning - Alabama 3 (I think)

I wrote this a couple of nights ago when my internet went down. I want to start writing again, so I decided to start chronicling the misadventures of two of my friends who have been in an off-on abusive relationship for years. The names have been changed, of course. It's meant to be an objective point of view from what I've personally experienced and things I've been told. I may write more when the mood strikes. This is my account of an unfortunate drunken night two years ago.

It’s around three in the morning. The alcohol has run out but we still have a good half hour of partying left to go, and a few bowls to smoke before we depart.

We respect Jay’s wishes to keep the house free of nicotine, so myself and the only other smoker in the house have taken to stepping out every 45 minutes to have our cigarettes. The weather isn't warm but we’re both too drunk to look for our jackets. Sometimes we’re accompanied by someone else who just wants some fresh air.

Danielle and I, followed by Bob, step out for the last time that night. We light our smokes while Bob rambles. He is shamelessly hanging on to Danielle even though she has a boyfriend. He usually finds his way to Allan Street on weekends but he’s absent. Later we would all applaud the breakup.

The house has become suspiciously quiet. No one has put on another song. Perhaps the night was coming to a close. That wasn't unheard of. Shirley and Tiffany were notorious for wanting to crash early. The boys (and me) would have no choice but to start calling cabs. Our group was too small to call a party after someone fell asleep.

Inside, we hear Andrew raise his voice. We exchange looks but it’s nothing we haven’t heard before. I didn't know an angry pot head could exist before I met Andrew. We continue to smoke, but quietly, listening for signs of escalation in his voice.

It doesn't take long. We hear every word. He is screaming at Tiffany, accusing her of flirting with his best friend right in front of him. He calls her every name in the book while she tries to defend herself. At first her voice is loud and defiant but quickly softens under his bellows.

The three of us outside are drunk, stoned and cowardly. None of us are up to the scene we would have to walk into, so we bail. We take a walk to the end of the dead-end street, harshly whispering about what we just heard. Even in our inebriated states we know that our presence would have made the situation worse, whether we had simply walked in or taken a side.

We don’t see him, but we hear him leaving. How the door didn't come off its hinges we’ll never know. We wait until he’s completely out of sight to make our way back up to the house.

The sight is what we expect. Jay, the best friend, has disappeared upstairs. Shirley is getting a blanket for a crying Tiffany. Peter is standing on the sidelines, looking pensive.

The cabs are called shortly after.

-mSlMD  

[Mother Molly]

Quick Thought - Recurring Nightmare
Mood: Restless
Now Playing: Love Like Blood - Killing Joke / Nobody Thinks About Me - Michale Graves

I napped from 4:30 to 9:30 this evening. I guess the cats were sleeping in the living room since nothing woke me up. Now I'm wide awake, it's after 1 in the morning and I have work tomorrow. Not too early, thankfully.
Before I woke up, I had a nightmare. Yes, I'm one of those tits that likes to talk about their dreams. I use to have them all the time when I lived in the apartment years ago but I haven't had one since we moved. I'm lying in bed, semi-conscious, unable to move. I can't even control my eyeballs so I can't directly look at anything. I can see that I'm in my bedroom lying in my own bed. That's the scariest thing about these dreams; usually in dreams places and people are different, but it's like I wake up just long enough to take a screenshot in my head of my surroundings. There's something happening, either the walls are morphing, something's coming out of my closet, or something is attacking me in my bed. I scream and try my hardest to move, hoping to wake up. Sometimes I don't know that I'm dreaming and it's horrifying.
Keeping a dream diary for a few years I'm pretty good at picking up why I have certain reoccurring themes in dreams but these have no meaning, they come so randomly and they're all different (with the exception that I'm still in my bed). I have uncontrollable eyeballs in other dreams but it's usually not scary, just annoying. It's like my brain just says "I'm going to scare the piss out of you now."

-mSlMD  

[Mother Molly]

Start All Over
Mood: Tripping Balls
Now Playing: Serve the Servants - Nirvana

This was a quick write-up in my Gaia journal. I was recently accepted into the Human Resource Management course at the local college. I'm still in the student's lounge. Still bored with two more hours to kill.

Today was my first day at the college in the HRM program. Two guest speakers came in before class let out. Both were previous grads of the program. I can honestly say that I am absolutely horrified of what this year is going to bring. One of the girls had her portfolio with her to show the class. That one has accomplished more in her short life than I ever will. The work load is insane and I have to work at least 25 hours a week to keep my head above water. It must be nice to not have to work through school. On top of that, I just started a new relationship (three months on the 23rd?). We barely get any time together as it is. Right now my colitis is rearing its ugly head and I have to work tonight. It's going to be ridiculously busy because there's a big sale this weekend. I'm probably going to be on cash which means if I have to run to the bathroom I'm screwed.

Oh, Jesus.

Right now I'm in the student lounge, wasting time for the next two and a half hours. I caught up with a friend of mine and we went for Wendy's a little while ago. This is the worst thing about not having a car; I had to get her to drop me back off here so I can get the bus for 4 and be at work for 5. She use to work with me but she quit about two years ago. I don't blame her at all. The place has become an absolute hell hole. I don't know why I stay. I'm sure I could get EI even if I quit, since I'm back in school.

I mentioned a new relationship. Ty and I have been dating for a couple of months now. I formally asked him out one night when I was sloshed out of my mind. To my credit I was planning on asking him out, I just didn't think I'd be as drunk as I was by the end of the night. Things are going really well so far, other than the aforementioned limited time. He's a real sweetheart and I'm not use to that at all. We have a few mutual friends and he only lives down the road from me. He's a really great guy. I hope it works out. I really do <3

The one thing I'm not liking about this computer lounge is that the computers are set up so that the monitors face out to everyone in the room. Not that I'll be looking at anything that could get me in trouble but it leaves Tumblr out of the question. People post some wonky s**t on there. It's also really warm in parts of this building. Considering you don't get your full tuition back if you drop out one would assume that there would be air conditioning everywhere in the building. Oh, well.

I have to charge my phone and someone just took the chair closest to the only outlet I could find in this room. Damnit. WAIT! I have my charger with the USB jack! YES! Crisis averted. I also have my headphones. I might as well get comfortable since I'm going to be here for a bit.

-mSlMD  

[Mother Molly]

"Do you ever feel like you're nothing like anyone else in the world?"
Mood: Lonely space cadet
Now Playing: Yin Yang -by- USS

I just finished watching a 1993 movie called Love and Human Remains, mainly because a young Thomas Gibson played a gay waiter in a leather jacket. It wasn't a bad movie, but it did put me in this weird mood. I've been out of school for a week due to a lung infection and it's just dawning on me now how utterly f-cked I'm going to be catching up on everything. The movie made me think back to high school, before career prospects and bills, when all we had to worry about was where we were drinking on the weekends. When we could skip classes every now and then because we weren't paying for it. When there was a 'we'...

I guess it's just dawning on me right now that I really don't have any friends any more. Then again, I assume that a lot of people this age have the same problem. Everyone now has real goals and priorities, and whether or not you make time for each other depends how well those priorities align. I left behind my stoner friends when I realized that I had no interest in partying with people I didn't know any more. A few friends have left me behind because they now have children and I haven't the first clue about kids. You get my drift, right? The reason I'm dredging this up is that I'm wide awake and would like nothing better than to go for a walk. Two years ago there were people I could call this time of night (little after midnight). This is where the 'lonely' mood comes from.

I guess I could try to get caught up on some reading, but I can't see me being able to focus right now. I did start a scrapbook page but I don't have any ink in the printer for pictures. I have an empty coiled notebook I could write in but I really have nothing to write about. I really shouldn't be bummed out - once I get back to reality after the long weekend I'll be missing this boredom.

-mSlMD