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- XXXXX ❝ TAKES LESS THAN 10 MINUTES TO READ, I PROMISE.
So, I have a lot to say about this guy. This is really long, but it has a point to it, I promise. I'm extremely conflicted, and I NEED HELP!!!
So I got my first real best friend a while back. Lets call him Tom (privacy stuff, and his first name is also the same as his brothers and fathers middle name, so I like to call him Tom, or his other nickname. We have been best friends for about a year but it didn't become official until his birthday (yea, our friendiversary and our phone combo-lock codes are his birthday) . a short time later he "doubted" that I would write a contract (doubts are like dares to us, and always have been) so I wrote one, with his help, and a month or two after the BF-ship became official, we signed it and blah blah blah and now he is forced to go to prom and kill bugs for me (and a bunch of other weird (and some serious) stuff). We use the contract against each other all the time. Its great XD
Our friendship is so severe that it is like we are sewn together. We see eachother whenever we can in school. We get home. We call each other on Skype. We never stop talking. If its time to go to bed, we call each other and talk until we pass out. We feel icky whenever we aren't talking. and whenever we hang out in person with our friends we are pretty much constantly in each others arms or talking to each other. So much so that I can feel a lingering sensation of his arms wrapped about me.
we talk so much that we know everything about each other... I mean EVERYTHING. we know more than we probably should. There is pretty much nothing that we don't know about each other, yet we always have something to talk about all day. We can tell if the other person is sad after they only say "hi". We are 100% opposites, but we are so in sync that we just happened to pick the same top college - without discussing the names of our college choices with eachother at all before we revealed those choices.
We don't know what to do without each other, and we are astounded every day by how different we are, but regardless of how logical I am, or how much of a big loser he is its the kind of friendship we have both always looked for.
Here is a dirty detail and the actual point of this: we have known each other since 9th grade, that makes it 3-4 years. we became good friends and he started liking me in 10th, and we became fantastic friends and he fell in love with me early 11th - before we became best friends -, and hasn't stopped since.
yea, super sweet right? No. Wrong. It sucks. Why? I feel gut wrenchingly disgusting. I feel like an awful person and I wont deny it. I don't put myself down like this, but I feel bad. All I ever want is for other people to be happy, but he is the most important person in my life and all I do is hurt him. All this time that he has been loving me I have been dating other people. I haven't been able to have those feelings for him, or anyone else for that matter - ever (which wont be mentioned in its entirety, but is mentioned a bit later). He has watched me be taken away, and thrown away time and time again, and he just sits there, supporting whatever I want, and being there whenever i need him. He is such a sweetheart. He is everything girls these days say that they want in a guy, and I'm not smart enough to claim him before someone else does...
and he knows it too... He has tried getting over me, but it hasn't worked. We have even tried completely isolating ourselves from each other, but it hasn't worked. We always cave and come back to each other.
But i have to be honest... as of lately ive been realizing how much he means to me, how different my life would be if he hadn't stepped into it, and how without him I probably wouldn't have gained the strength to go on in life. He is the only solid support system i have ever had and without him i would be so empty inside, and maybe even not living anymore. Since weve become best friends a lot has happened in my life. Stuff that has scarred me in more ways than one, and he has been there through thick and thin to comfort me. If he died i would be so lost that sadness wouldn't exist. I can only imagine myself curling into a ball in my room and staring at my wall - not able to come to terms with yet another death close to me (again, later)....
and ive been realizing that we are perfect for each other too. He is everything im not, and vice versa. i can do everything he cant, and he can do everything i cant. We complete each other - literally. So much so that like i said before, its like we don't know who we are when without each other.
.... it only makes sense for me to love him, but i haven't been able to.
But lately, whenever our conversations have to end ive been getting this tone in my voice, and ive been hugging him differently, and ive been looking at him differently - which i didn't really notice. Things have changed between us and i didn't really understand it because nothing had changed. we hadn't done anything different. It was some underlying factor that everyone recognized but me.
But a few weeks ago something happened. we were talking on Skype and he said "Ya know i love ya riiiight?" (which is how we say "i have to go") and i let out this instant really sadly said "please". I looked like a lost puppy and i didn't realize i had done that until he said something about it, and ever since i have been saying goodbye to him in the most longing way - even when goodbye would only last a few moments as we took showers and got in bed to call eachother again. Ive been missing him while talking to him. Ive been looking into his black eyes through his old man glasses like they were perfect and mesmerizing as opposed to looking away out of shame. Our hugs have been more frequent and longer... and the other day we were talking and he asked "why do you worry about me so much" or something like that and i burst out with the most sincerity mixed with a worried sadness the words "because i love you" without contemplating those words beforehand. This strange feeling instantly shot through my heart, went halfway down my abdomen and cycled back and forth. I was scared by the feeling that i had never had before but we could both see it in my eyes - me through the Skype video that it showed on my screen of myself - that those impulse words spoke more truth than i ever had.
for the first time in my life I was falling asleep smiling to the thought of someone and waking up with that same thought and the feeling of a purpose.
We sneak away when with friends to other public rooms, and all we do is stand there hugging each other, or staring into each others eyes.... But that's just it... all we can do is stare at each other... 3 reasons.
One: my family in general is pretty racist, though they don't say anything around anyone. its always hushed. I am not racist, because i grew up in schools which had a majority of black people. They mess with me enough when i have a white boyfriend. i can only imagine the hell that would come up if i started dating a black man (he isn't even that black. he is 1/4th white. the rest of his family looks darker than he does. He is pretty not black in appearance and stereotypical demeanor). I know i shouldn't care what they think, but when they are verbally and physically... powerful for lack of a better term... and i have to deal with them for a while longer, i don't want to push the tensions.
Two: we are seniors in high school with about 6-7 months left. We both know that his resume and academic numbers aren't as impressive as mine and theres a chance he wont get accepted into the school we want to go to (ive already been accepted). Anything that we have now will probably have to end then if he doesn't go there. We know how awful we will feel as separated friends... neither of us want to deal with the pains of a long distance relationship, not when we are both going for time-intensive double majors (me, physics and theater, him, physics and math) and moving on into another chapter in our lives- which may bring more time-sucking people and extracurriculars.
Three:... Me... Love scares me... It physically makes me freak out and he knows it... I cant bear being apart from him as a friend, imagine what being apart from him as a relationship would be... Again with the needs to go into another post story: There was a time when i felt as if i could love... about 4 years ago... and it ended tragically with his suicide, to put it shortly and nobody that i knew, knew about it until a few days ago when i told Tom. ever since ive had this mentality that love isn't real, that everyone ends up hurt in the end - by choice of one, both, or natural, and its only gotten worse as i grow older and i hear stories of divorces in my family and relationships gone wrong, and watching people i knew be torn apart by breakups and drama. Im so afraid of losing him entirely because of a possibility of a failed relationship that i am too afraid to give it a try... so afraid that i find myself trying to convince my heart that i cant love, and don't love someone so lovable.
I really need your help on this girls. I know that was a lot to read, but im too wordy, and im not used to this whole general emotion thing and i don't really know how to handle myself...
I really appreciate it... I don't know what to do. ❞
