How my [bad] day shaped up

[ADSOC]

I went to work at 4am tired as all hell, got home at 8am and was still tired as hell. Then, I needed to drive the fiancee to work now tired as ********. Driving back home and I got ******** over. I fell asleep behind the wheel and messed up my car quite a bit. No one was hurt.

Here's the story beforehand.
Im not allowed to go to sleep, if my fiancee has work in the morning. Normally I would go to bed as soon as I get home. For the last week, I've been getting four or less hours of sleep and running on excessive amounts of caffeine. I don't have technical days off, so I dont get a chance to sleep.
I'm not allowed to go to bed early. I went to bed at 8 or 9 pm, so I'm somewhat functional when I wake up at 3am. Ive been lucky to go to bed at 10 without getting yelled at.
It's my fault for being so tired. It kinda happens when a person works nights. Add in pretty much running for four hours and anyone would be exhausted let alone doing it for five straight days.
When I don't take a nap, I'm yelled at. Because lack of sleep makes me pissy.
When I do take a nap, I'm yelled at. Because I choose to sleep rather than do something productive.
I'm an ungrateful and selfish b***h. Because I choose work over social life. I can't afford to call off of work and I work whenever I can to earn the money my fiancee spends. I'm most likely gonna have to get a second job to pay my bills because my fiancee sure isn't pitching in.
All car problems are my fault. My break lines rusted out after they were replaced five years ago. Alternator, belts, and fuel line needed to be replaced after the car's sixteen year lifetime and never had been changed before then. Tires needed to be replaced after Walmart ******** them up. Never in my driving career have I had so many problems with one car. Now, everyone is worried that I'll wreak their cars because of my bad history with a very old car.

With that being said... I got no sympathy for being in an accident my fiancee caused. I don't want to put all the blame on her, but even if I slept for half an hour, the accident wouldn't have happened. Or the fact if she had her license. She calls me the ungrateful one when I pay for everything that goes wrong. It's my fault our relationship is going down the tubes. My fault for working so much and becoming so lethargic I can't speak a proper sentence. When something goes wrong, I'm the first to be blamed...

The whole accident... I was bitched at by her and how it was my fault for falling asleep. I couldn't sleep before I took her to work or I would have been yelled at. In her words last time I wanted to sleep before bringing her to work, "Don't you dare fall asleep. You have to take me to work." I was waiting for this day. I knew it was gonna happen sooner or later. It isn't the first time I've had to drive her to work straight from my work and nod off. Just the first time I was in an accident.

Honestly, the only sympathy I got today was from her 13 year old brother. He's just as annoyed with his sister as I am and how I'm treated.  

[Camera 0bscura]

Honestly you need to talk to you fiance to help pitch in or ditch them. Your fiance seem unhealthy for you. :/ They don't seem to care about your health if they wont let you sleep and rest nor are they pitching in with the money situation. Their life gets easier as your gets harder that doesn't seem like a good relationship you both should be pitching in equally.

Also hope you or anyone else wasn't hurt. D:  

[Waitingforwings6]

I agree with Cam Cam! though honestly my words would have a lot more expletives and basically you wouldn't like me for the things I would have to say about your fiancée...>.< I hope you can sleep before she becomes an early widow sad  

[ADSOC]

Camera 0bscura

waitingforwings6

No one was hurt, myself included. She did offer to pay for my break lines, but never went through with it. I was telling my mother-in-law's fiance about it. He asked if she was gonna pay for it and I said no. I already knew that she wasn't gonna pay for a single damn thing that was wrong. My fiancee actually becomes insulted when I say that I pay for everything. If I buy something big and expensive... erm.. If I did, I would be yelled at for wasting my money. It's been told to me by my household before only in the case that I bought stuff for my fiancee. Last year, my fiancee spent over $8,000 of my money. I make less than 10k a year. With that 8k, I had plans of buying a better car. She knew, but still spent. It's partly my fault for that. I get guilt tripped if I say no and called bitchy. But it's okay if she buys a 1k computer.

No one in my household, besides my bro-in-law, understands what it's like to work nights. s**t, my brother-in-law gets so mad when I'm unable to sleep either I stay up to do chores no one else wants to do or I'm forced to stay up. I was told the day that the accident happened to change jobs, if I was falling asleep. I so wanted to nail my fiancee right then and there. But the covo would have gone something like this blue is me, red is her:
It's your fault I was in the accident.
How is it my fault? Don't blame me for your problems. You always blame me for your problems.
If I could have slept a little before...
You could have slept before I had to go to work. You chose not to.
Last time I slept before taking you to work I got yelled at.
What did I say?
Not to fall asleep because you had to work/
I never said that.
Yea, you did. I was expecting this to happen. It's not the first time I've fallen asleep behind the wheel.
Then get a different job, if it makes you that tired.

after that I would have given up the convo.


If I told off every single person in this house, I would be kicked out or at least given dirty looks. The last time I told off my fiancee, it was a three day argument that I lost. I gave up. She wouldn't come to reason with me. I said some things about one of her friends that I probably shouldn't have. There are some people I just don't like. She doesn't know about one of her school friends asking me if I really was a lesbian or if I was bi. I was already getting the hint that he wanted to ******** me. About a year ago, there was this guy in the last school we went to and I hated him... As in burning, nail grinding, want to kill you where you stand hated him for no reason. My fiancee openly talked to him and he went as far as made her a target. She didn't care. She didn't get the vibes that this guy was a bad man. A few weeks later it was announced he was a level three sex offender, which means he will repeat his offenses. He was charged with rape.
What I'm trying to get at is she has no sense of perception. I mean... I surround myself with friends I know I can trust and are safe. It's a limited circle, but I know each one wouldn't purposely try to hurt me. I have a friend who has some major ADHD and I trust her more than any of my fiancee's friends.
She wonders why the friends she had don't talk to her anymore. [They are now mutually exclusively mine now] Hell, the ones she does have are pretty damn annoyed with her, too. She told them I was in the hospital after the accident. Then, came back around and said it was a joke. They left the Skype call. I logged into the place I knew where to find them and explained to them what happened to try make them less mad at her. She found out the next day and I got yelled at for it.

You guys aren't the first to say I'm in a toxic relationship. I'm at a point where I'm stuck. I moved to a place where I literally have nothing. I don't have any close relatives here or close friends. I sure as hell am not moving back with my parents. This relationship I'm in now is far less worse than if I were to go back to my parents.  

[Waitingforwings6]

ADSOC

I am so stunned, that I don't even know what to say sad but honestly you need to get the hell up out of there...I know you don't want to go back home, but there has GOT to be a friend somewhere that would take you in till you got back up on your feet, there has GOT to be a way out for you sad did you ever think of maybe going to a women's shelter or something and applying for help or assistance? there are so many programs out there for things like this sad I would rather see you happy and alone then like this, this is NOT a way to live, hell you are half dead as it is sad I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone, and I know me telling you your fiancée is bad for you may upset you, but this is not a relationship, not one bit! a real one is 50/50, not 100/0 sad please, please find help, please do better for yourself, I would hate to hear something happened to you sad even though I don't know you well, if I had a place of my own and lived where you were I would tell you pack your bags you're coming to stay with me...I wish you so much guidance and wisdom and insight, so that you find a way out of it all and into a much better environment...I know you may be mad at me for saying it, but you do deserve so much better than that...good luck my friend, and well wishes  

[ADSOC]

i plan on trying to talk to her some more today. hopefully reason with her. i tried to yesterday and i got yelled at. i told her about helping out some more and i was told i had no right telling her she needs to help more, since she does the same amount of work i do and shes employed [plus takes the blame from her mum when i clean]. she works full time and im part-time but work nights, so my household believes i do nothing because im home all day and sleeping. i go to school, pay my bills, work, do house chores. if only they knew how much caffeine i was ingesting. ive been having heart problems because of it. ive been considering on getting another job to pay for my expenses. i am grateful that im allowed to live with my mother-in-law. s**t... my mother had problems with my fiancee living with me.

i also talked to her about fiances and how i have no idea how to pay for the car repair [if there is no frame damage]. she told me to get a car loan, since i have the better credit. she says she will help make payments when she has money.. she also said that she would pay for break lines, but that didnt happen. ill be a little surprised if she does make payments or helps. i might actually have to pay her student loan this month because of the computer she bought. i give her props for buying something herself and not me, like it was originally planned and she did need a new computer badly.

i hope she doesnt yell at me more. i want to cover how unfair it is that im yelled at for making too much noise just by putting my shoes on in the bedroom while she sleeps. she can be nearly screaming on skype while im sleeping. last time i confronted her about it, i thought she was gonna murder me. also, i want to eat better. that convo will go to, "it's too expensive to eat healthy". most of all, i want to talk to her about what caused the accident and why it happened.  

[Waitingforwings6]

all I can say is good luck deary sad I just hope everything goes well for you...cause what you're going through is basically chalked up to emotional abuse...sorry, I just feel protective of those going through things like this...bless you for being strong and for continuing to be so...  

[ADSOC]

thank you. this is nothing in comparison to what my mum did, but still. my fiancee is lax. my mum went as far as saying i was possessed because i had depression. i had no say in what went on, even if mum said i had a voice. i couldnt say much. she forced my sister and i to be be confirmed, which we both hated with a passion. my sister openly spoke against it. my mum doesnt want to accept that i am in a relationship with someone not of her choosing. if she did get to choose, my gawd, id be married off to some guy i dont like or love. i confronted her about this asking her, "what lesbians do you know of that are better for me?" my mum had no response. she believes that im in a phase and ill grow out of it. she doesnt want me to be gay solely because of how much hate is going around. welp... i do have my answer as far as why there's so much, but that is a different conversation and far too lengthly. and that brings us to why i left her for good. three years before i did leave, i had plans of moving to oregon when i was seventeen. one of my closest friends lived there. i had it all planned out; work, room, school. everything. it was a matter of if i did want to stay or not. i wish i did. i had a secondary plan, which i acted upon later. the plan was, find the weakness, hit where it hurts, and leave. in this case, it was my mum's religion. i found that to be her weakness, denounced religion as doing more harm than good and denounced that i wanted anything to do with it as it corrupts, and i left. best day ever. after my mum became a bible thumper, she changed... badly. i believe that there are two religions, the good and the very angry. the friends i have who are religious are good and happy. i know what it looks like to be accepted and felt loved. i dont know what happened with my mother, but i see more and more angry types when it comes to religion. but i digress...  

[ADSOC]

to make things worse, i need a new car. i cant afford another car and/or repair the old one. im also gonna be forced out of my housing soon. my in-laws are getting pissy. ive decided not to return to school and instead devote my time working and slowly killing myself with my liquid diet called caffeine. ill be asking to work my days off and finish the remainder of this semester if i can. tuesdays are gonna be rough for me. i work 3am-8am and have class from 1040am-9pm. plus adding another job soon for daytime.  

[Waitingforwings6]

ADSOC

you're really not lying, you're killing yourself, very slowly, but still, the way things are going, you cannot live that way sad something needs to give and it's sad that it has to be your schooling, because that it the most important thing someone can have...I am very concerned about you and I don't even truly know you sad if I were you and the school I was going to had a campus, I'd move onto the campus and start again some how, it'd be so much better for you and you'd be right there at school, granted it would probably cost more, but depending on what you're going for and there's a market for your skill, you'd make it back in due time...as for transportation, that 8k your fiancé spent could have went to either repairing the one you have or going towards a better pre owned one sad  

[ADSOC]

Waitingforwings6

i cant afford to live on campus. its 7k a semester for the run down dorms and ungawdly for the better ones. right now it all depends on what the bank says. The minimum for a car loan is $7500 and the apr isn't all that bad. ive certainly seen worse. The difference between new and used isn't all that much. still bleeding, but theres a dollar difference. sheesh... doing more calculations and im better off getting a 24 month loan at $10,000. it's much cheeper and i can afford it. 10k at 2.33% APR for 24 months is a monthly payment of $427. Longer loan time is also cheeper, but whatever. it all depends on if i can get it.