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 Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2014 1:56 pm
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So, it's almost been a decade since I put a blade to a part of my skin. With recent events in my life, I've rendered numb again. I don't know what it's like to feel anymore. Part of me wishes that the car accident would have either put me in a coma or killed me. The after effects of the accident has been less than satisfactory. My household hates me because I was in the wreak and I'm afraid that if I talk about my "feelings" I'll be accused of seeking attention. My sanity level has dropped to a sort of waiting to explode level. Every time I pick up an object, where it would be a screwdriver or other pointed thing, I wonder what it would be like if I stab myself repeatedly with it. At one point in time, I thought I was happy, but now I've come to realize it's been all a lie I've created to cope with the idea that I'm not happy at all. Consider it a personal alternate reality of denial. I can't believe I've relapsed back into my old habits from eight years ago.
I really want to talk to them and see what's up, but they'll sugar coat it and say nothing is the matter. I have no idea who to believe... My fiancee or my in-laws. Granted, I'm most likely jumping to conclusion when I say this. I'm certain the reason they don't want to talk to me about what I'm doing wrong is because they don't want to be held responsible for the outcome. I don't know what the outcome is. I've already talked to them about my departure and I'm thinking that's what they want me to do. I can't afford to be on my own. I could scrape by, but that means I need another job and to quit school. I'm getting no financial support from my fiancee, who insists they will help my out but won't. Every huge purchase I've had to make has come out of my pocket; the xbox, my school books, various car repairs, insurance. With this accident, I'll be the one paying for more than damages. At least the woman who's mail box I wreaked was thankful I replaced and installed a new one.
I'm most likely making a big deal out of nothing. Sure, I work nights and am dead tired after I get done with work, so I'm grumpy. I make food for my fiancee and told it sucks, but she won't cook. I'm continuously working even on my days off because my fiancee won't help around the house. I asked her to do laundry two days ago and it's still not done. I'm a full-time student and I'm at school for sometimes eleven hours. And I get yelled at for not doing anything.
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Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2014 4:58 pm
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Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2014 3:25 pm
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Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 3:46 am
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Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 4:30 pm
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