Misscarriage

[InterstateDaisy]

I addressed the general problem of my situation in another forum but I came here to get more direct help. I'm 18 now but at 15 I experienced an unplanned pregnancy that I didn't discover until the end of my first trimester and ended in a miscarriage because at the time, i was too unhealthy and my body could not stand the stresses of my addiction and trying to quit cold turkey on top of being pregnant and only 15. It's a tragic event that has left me pretty hurt. It doesn't help that since then I've basically been Momma (Even been accidentally called Momma!) By two little girls. I also have a lovely little man on the way (No actual relation but to him I'll be Auntie Steffers) and watching her go through the pregnancy at 17 has been tough but I've become attached to her. i'm still struggling a lot on my own with the feelings from my loss and the children around me have both helped me heal and kind of hurt me too. Since getting into this new relationship, little talks about the future and stuff have come up. We both are set we want a little family here in the future and we've had a broken condom pregnancy scare. Whenever these conversations come up or our scare happened, I felt like I should have opened up to him about the miscarriage although in a way, all I want to do is forget about it.

My questions are these: When you miscarry a child, are you supposed to keep it with you or is it wrong to try and forget? Are you supposed to disclose this with your significant other? And if you are, how do you do it?

this is a man that I see myself with for a long time. We aren't jumping to get married or start a family any time soon. We hope to be together for five or so more years and start that chapter and this bump is something that I've wondered about. Thank you for all your help!

 

[anticupid16]

First of all, I want to say that I have never experienced a miscarriage or parenthood, so I can only sympathize with you not empathize. Secondly, I'm very sorry about what happened to you a few years back. That's a very emotionally trying situation for anyone to be in, and I can't even imagine doing so at the age of fifteen.

I don't know from any sort of personal experience, but I would guess that how you choose to deal with this situation is entirely up to you. If you would prefer to remember and mourn for your miscarried child, then you can do so, but I would suggest doing it in a minimal way so as not to become unhealthily saddened. If you would prefer to put this in the past and forget about it, then you can do that as well. Again, I advise that you do so in a healthy way, such as remembering that the event happened but perhaps not thinking of the baby as your first child, since they were not born.

Discussing this with your significant other might help. You say that you seriously see yourself with this guy for years to come, and in order to sustain that relationship you'll need to build trust with him and open up to him. If you tell him about your miscarriage, and he really loves you, he'll do his best to support you in either moving beyond the event or remembering it in some way. It also might be helpful from a health stand point. If in the future you two decide to have children, he should know about the miscarriage because if something happens to you and you're in the hospital, this is important information the doctors might need to know immediately that he could give them.

When my mother was eighteen she had a child and put the girl up for adoption, but she never told my father about it until they were in the process of divorcing. My mother carried it as a burden for several years and refused to have anyone's help in knowing that she had a child somewhere. Then, when she decided to move on from the event, she still told nobody and forced herself to forget all on her own. This took an emotional toll on my mother, and she admitted that secrets like that are part of the reason she got divorced. I think that in order to have an strong relationship with your guy you should tell him about the event, but only when you're ready to discuss it with him. Knowing that you'll tell him about it, even if you haven't done so yet, might help you prepare yourself to do so.

I hope that whatever you decide to do you're able to be happy and healthy for a long long time!

 

[flauterfli]

Your significant other may not understand your pain, to be honest, since it was an unplanned pregnancy. I have a little one and we don't want another for a good long time. I didn't even know I was pregnant (although I had my suspicions that I might be) and thought I couldn't possibly be this week, because I'm on birth control and we use protection. I've been working so much and have a bajillion other things on my mind, like LO, that I didn't really consider it too far. Last night I miscarried and I told him about it. He was sympathetic that I was upset, but pointed out that it wasn't my fault and that we weren't planning on having any others for awhile anyway, so "at least" I could take that stress off of my mind as we build our family's business.

But it is hard, even if the baby wasn't wanted or even known about it in the first place. I'm sorry for your loss. I would call your closest women's center and discuss seeking therapy with their on-staff psychologist. That REALLY helped for my depression : )