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 Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 1:12 am
Another topic owned so that I can write down random thoughts that I have at times. Comments are allowed after entries.
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Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 1:19 am
Entry 1I may have hit a realization, even after the thought was noticed about two years ago. I feel no pleasure from masturbation even though I have a physical orgasm. Know how all those fanfictions and how people describe seeing stars, jolts of electricity, blah blah blah? I feel none of that. I feel physical tension, then with orgasm I feel tired when it breaks. The only theory so far is that I'm either asexual pan-romantic or that the constant headache broke the section of my brain responsible for pleasure, thus causing me to have Sexual anhedonia. I would go to a doctor, but I have no health insurance, only other way to test is to try to have mind blowing sex, but that requires finding a person willing to do that sort of thing. For now I'm just kinda stuck I guess stare
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Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2014 8:41 pm
Entry 2
I still think of them every now and then, I guess that's normal with your ex. I doubt that dreaming that your still with them is a sign that you're completely over them though. Dreaming that your their to hold them at night as well as to fight those that have it so that your ex breaks down crying. Running through conversations in your mind at times during the day as well as when you lie down to go to bed, only to have remnants when you leave bed. Clicking their profile on Skype to talk to them, only to realize there's a high chance they want nothing at all to do with you. One would think that no, you aren't over the fact that they left you to be with someone else, that even though it helps both of you from stress that there's now an awkward silence that fills the gaping wound left in your chest leaving you to wander wondering what to do with yourself.
But then again I highly doubt that dreaming that the same person molests you when you're together is highly unusual as well.
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Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2015 7:30 pm
Entry 3
After months of training and preparation I still manage to ******** up. Regardless of what people tell me, I still think I failed. My parents and the few friends I have tell me that I at least attempted to be part of the Air Force and that even though I didn't pass basic training that I should see it as a learning experience.
The only thing I can see is that I ******** up from not knowing when to keep my damn mouth shout regarding headaches. That's probably one the reasons why most of my friends with high school broke contact with me, as well as the few I had when I went to college (where I had a GPA of less than two..)
I should look forward and look for a job, but without even an associates degree and barely any work experience I got nothing that can turn into a career, or pay for school without it taking a decade or me harassing the government for grants (assuming any college lets me in...)
Only thing I get to look forward to is hopefully not dying of starvation when my parents decide they had enough of me and kick me out to sink or swim.
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Posted: Fri May 15, 2015 8:35 pm
Entry 4
Suicide is slowly, but surely looking to be a better and better idea. Even with a job, and the prospect of being able to get at least an associate's of science, the future is bleak. No one seems to be noticing anything, except for two friends who, to be honest, seem to have no ability or desire to keep the one thing apparently keeping them in this world from going into a new dark age.
To be honest, knowing what they do regarding my past and present, plus as one of them put "an aura of an individual who will violently snap" I wouldn't even save myself.
I don't care if anyone tries to track my IP address to contact authorities, there isn't s**t they can do from me being 21.
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Posted: Sun May 17, 2015 6:49 pm
Isabella Kiyoshi Entry 4Suicide is slowly, but surely looking to be a better and better idea. Even with a job, and the prospect of being able to get at least an associate's of science, the future is bleak. No one seems to be noticing anything, except for two friends who, to be honest, seem to have no ability or desire to keep the one thing apparently keeping them in this world from going into a new dark age. To be honest, knowing what they do regarding my past and present, plus as one of them put "an aura of an individual who will violently snap" I wouldn't even save myself. I don't care if anyone tries to track my IP address to contact authorities, there isn't s**t they can do from me being 21. i know life can be tough, and i've been in a similar place that you are now, where suicide seems to be the only option that appeals to you. i beg of you, if you wait it out, things will honestly get better. i know its hard to see anything differently than you do currently, but i promise you, life does get better. these days, they have an online suicide chat room where you don't even need to call. i would definitely give that a shot. please don't do something i know you'll regret. it's not worth it.
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Posted: Sun May 17, 2015 6:50 pm
and if you don't quite feel comfortable to talk to a stranger, please consider me a friend and messege me at any hour. i check my gaia account at least once a day so don't hesitate to ask for help
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Posted: Wed May 20, 2015 2:45 pm
Element_Nymph and if you don't quite feel comfortable to talk to a stranger, please consider me a friend and messege me at any hour. i check my gaia account at least once a day so don't hesitate to ask for help I'll keep that (as well as the suggestion of using a chat room. I may not use that from not really being comfortable using those systems.) With me my main issue is like you commented, I don't really see if there's the possibility of things getting better, but it may.
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