suicide, metonia

[flauterfli]

My 22nd birthday is coming up on December 2nd and I've decided to kill myself that day. I am going to jump off the cliffside above our beautiful fly fishing spot because that's where I would have wanted my ashes spread.

I am 20 weeks along, due March 25th. I wanted to wait until after delivery, maybe pump breast milk to help with the cost of infant formula, but I don't know how much more I can take. I was let go after missing too much work due to a pregnancy complication that put me in the ER several times (I was too weak and delirious to fill out FMLA paperwork on time, if you're curious, and the medical leave request was accepted two days after I was fired.) I was in line for a promotion, my supervisor and coworkers liked me, I worked well with customers, made decent sales bonuses, etc. We are now both unemployed, barely making it, living in my in-law's (who are also struggling financially with their business) basement while I continue to make mistake after mistake after mistake. I am evil and selfish and weak. I lose my temper easily and hurt the ones I love with vicious cruel words I never meant. I don't ever want sex even though it's always immensely enjoyable; my husband feels unwanted, unmotivated, and undesirable. Yet I don't have a bad life, compared to others, and am grateful for what we have...but deep down I want to be done. I don't know why I'm telling you girls this. I guess because there's no else to turn to in my own private hell. I smile and laugh with friends, do well at college, follow along in worship at church, and cry quiet tears to a god who could never fix me.

I don't feel an immense attachment to the life growing inside me, named Amelia Joy. I am nervous and anxious and know that I would make an inadequate mother. I find no excitement over the baby things on Craigslist that my mother in law obsesses about.

Thank you for your time, for reading this, for understanding or not understanding. You are beautiful and wonderful and will have an amazing fulfilling life.  

[FenHareI]

Please don't do this. I know life can be hard, and sometimes you think that dying is a better option than staying alive, but it isn't. Please reconsider. Talk to someone. Get some help. There are people out there that can help you. Gaia has a list of phone numbers and websites you can contact here. Scroll down to 'Safety', click, and then go to 'Suicide Prevention Information'. Know that people care about you, even though you don't think there are. It'll be okay. heart  

[flauterfli]

emptyhearse

Please don't do this. I know life can be hard, and sometimes you think that dying is a better option than staying alive, but it isn't. Please reconsider. Talk to someone. Get some help. There are people out there that can help you. Gaia has a list of phone numbers and websites you can contact here. Scroll down to 'Safety', click, and then go to 'Suicide Prevention Information'. Know that people care about you, even though you don't think there are. It'll be okay. heart

Thank you. What's worse is that I do have people who care. My husband, my family, my friends. But I can't talk to them about this. They don't understand or don't take it seriously. I've called the suicide hotline numerous times but hang up once I get connected, or try to chat with someone and quickly close out the window. Maybe I'm taking up time from someone else who deserves the help more, or someone that might be thinking about hurting someone else too (I can't comprehend that.) I don't know.

I got an offer to return to my job but will be declining it for various reasons. My husband is supportive of my decision but I can tell he's disappointed - we have no income and very little left in savings. What's more is that I didn't realize that I had been on the employer insurance all this time. I will probably be charged the premiums while I had been on leave (I don't know yet, I haven't called to put in my notice.) We can't afford it. Looking at the FMLA policy the company will not pursue recovering health insurance benefits from my husband if I'm gone.

I am going to buy three or four bottles of Tylenol and wine once the snow melts and the roads clear tomorrow. Not the surest way to go but I'm just done.  

[FenHareI]

flauterfli

Thank you. What's worse is that I do have people who care. My husband, my family, my friends. But I can't talk to them about this. They don't understand or don't take it seriously. I've called the suicide hotline numerous times but hang up once I get connected, or try to chat with someone and quickly close out the window. Maybe I'm taking up time from someone else who deserves the help more, or someone that might be thinking about hurting someone else too (I can't comprehend that.) I don't know.

I got an offer to return to my job but will be declining it. I didn't realize that I had been on the employer insurance all this time. I will probably be charged the premiums while I had been on leave (I don't know yet, I haven't called to put in my notice.) We can't afford it. Looking at the FMLA policy the company will not pursue recovering health insurance premiums from my husband if I'm gone.

I am going to buy three or four bottles of Tylenol and wine once the snow melts and the roads clear tomorrow. Not the surest way to go but I'm just done.

The people who work on the hotlines and the chat rooms are there to help you. You're not a burden to them at all. There are many people who work on these prevention methods. You aren't taking up the help that someone else needs, too.

Please don't go through with this. You will be missed. Reaching out to your family is the best thing you can do. Put all the doubts and fears aside in your mind. Don't think they won't take you seriously. If they know you're having problems and contemplating suicide then they'll know it's serious.  

[TheDarkest_DayInMay]

Your husband, family, and friends are going to hurt more than you once you are gone. You may think that they might be better off and the pain your feeling now is too strong but try to think of the aftermath. If your serious about this imagine whats going to happen to your husband, your family, and your friends.  

[flauterfli]

Thank you for all your kind words of support. It's good to know strangers care. I accidentally left this page open and my husband saw it. He came to me very upset. We talked a little and that helped. We got to listen to the baby's heart beat for the first time yesterday and set up an appointment for this Thursday to find out the gender.

We had a fight this afternoon and I said some pretty horrible things. It was partly about my fear of driving in the snow to class; he didn't want to drive me because I need to learn how to deal with the weather here (he did shovel out my car and the driveway so I could get out). We fought scout other stuff and I threatened to leave him and move back with my parents and other horrible stuff. He texted me while I was driving that I he hoped I would die. Said he wished I'd taken the chevy impala (our other car) because it would be more likely to crash & be less safe than the ford focus.

I just got home and locked myself in the bathroom. I tore through the plastic packaging of my sleep aids (generic unisom; doxylamine succinate 25mg ea). There's a pile of about 30 blue pills but I forgot the bottle of wine in the fridge (hasn't been touched after we found out I'm pregnant.) I took 2 with water and stopped. I am sitting on the bathroom floor on my phone, hoping I'll fall asleep and the feelings will pass  

[TheDarkest_DayInMay]

People never mean the words they say in anger. I know because i've said some pretty crummy things to others when i just felt bad =(  

[Chasing Chaos]

God loves you and that baby. I can see in all your post your hurt and sad and angry. But you are young. There are other alternatives for you and the child you are caring. Move in with a friend or a family member. Things seem tough now I know there does not look like there is an end to the pain you feel so you think death will solve it.
For you yes.
But not for your family or for that child that has a heartbeat and that is living inside of you. How pregnant are you now?
That is a living being that is already depending on you and is not getting a choice in this situation. Please get some help. Strangers will help you and love and care. You do not have to live with this depression that is eating at you too where you want to end two lives.
Call the suicide hotline.
I am sure your husband did not mean those angry words. He is hurting and is lashing out without thinking is what it sounds like too me.  

[SennaRiver]

A lot of people care for you - and though it might seem like its not right to tell them - you need to know that they will understand. You probably should get some help with the issue. Stay positive and know that everything is going to be okay. Suicide is NOT the answer, no matter how bad things get. We've all been through stages where we have had darker thoughts and its important to be able to get through them. Some people get through them with religion (which may be useful for you), and others get through it by talking it out.

You're a wonderful person - though I may not know you personally I know that you have good inside you. I promise - everything will turn out alright.