[PRP] Up on the rooftop (Remi/Amrita)

[Enoh Love]

She had been back in Amityville for almost two weeks, but had avoided him up until now because, well, she simply didn't know how to approach him anymore. She had said such horrible things to him… It was embarrassing and shameful, and whenever she looked back on it - which was often, as she replayed it over and over as a form of self-punishment - her stomach twisted with regret.

Maybe she could still salvage what was left…if there was anything left to salvage, of course. She hoped there was; she needed him, no matter how terrible it made her feel to admit that. Especially after how much she had already put him through. Playing it over in her head was one thing. She had to go and actually speak to him though, and that had been the problem up until now.

It was best to get this over with…like a terrible, horrible bandaid.

So she looked for him in all of his usual haunts, but couldn't find him. When she did find him, it was in the last place she wanted him to be: on the roof. Jack, did she hate heights. But she had to speak to him today, before it was too late. No matter what, even if it meant combing on a rickety old service ladder, her body trembling with every step, and with each rung feeling like a heavy weight. By the time she even got onto the roof she was pretty sure he was going to dissipate with fear.

He was her goal though, and she could see the back of his stupid, blue-haired head. The space in her chest where her heart should have been felt lighter…and then heavier, as the realization of what she had to do here - and what she had done, prior - once more sank in. She stood there for a moment, hands clenched at her sides and doing her best to not dwell on the fact she could see most of the academy's grounds from here - and tried to gather her courage to say one, tiny, almost inaudible word:

"Remi?"

lilwolfpard

 

[Lilwolfpard]

An entire month had gone past, and if he really looked back on it all he would honestly remember was how it felt like an eternity, and not much else. Remi was good at blocking things if he wanted to, and this? This was something worth the effort.

The first two weeks had been the hardest. There were words said, emotions boiling over, things he regretted and things he did not regret all in combo with one of the biggest arguments he had ever had the disdain to be a part of. It wasn't one of his joking arguments he liked to rile in her, it had been a full blown rip snarling battle between the two of them, just minus the physical aspect. That is if he didn't include feeling his heart being ripped out of his chest in front of his very eyes. Did that count? Until that point, Remi hadn't realized such a thing were possible with just words alone. Physical pain he could deal with, but emotional? That was harder and a entirely new concept for him.

Then she left, without a word, for two weeks. For two weeks he had no idea where she had gone, or why. Had something taken her like the trickster had him? She was the only one missing, from what he could tell. He had asked around, no one knowing but no one else had vanished either. So there was only one solution. She left him behind with the feeling, knowledge, and finally acceptance that it was his fault for driving her away. He had pushed her beyond some invisible boundary, and she had to run. He knew all about running, it was something he did for most of his childhood to avoid things he didn't want to do.

Those first two weeks had been some of the worst of his life, but eventually... she had come back. She just randomly appeared once again. He hadn't even seen her, only known from chattering in the halls that she was indeed back. He was relieved more than he would ever admit. He had expected her to come see him, to leave a letter, anything.

But she was silent.

And that was the dominant reason he had recently, in the last two weeks of his month of hell, become something of a nightly-chain smoker up on the dark rooftops of Amity. While he was worrying for her he had his mind on other things, wondering where she was and even an attempted search. Now that she was back? He had nothing but himself and these emotions to linger on. Smoking was always something he did to relax, but he would never consider himself a avid smoker. Like the term 'social drinker' he was more of a 'stress smoker', and things normally did not stress him out. Nor to this level, so he would attempt to drown his pain in his kiseru.

It was a normal night in Amity, but not one he expected to have company for. He heard the creek of the fire escape, knowing that some students would come up to the roof and join him with their own rule-breaking habits. There were even a few he would share his pipe with so he didn't feel a sense of urgency to see who it was coming up to the rooftop. If it was a professor coming up they would have used the locked rooftop door and not the old squeaky service ladder. He kept staring out onto the lit grounds, footfalls were behind him announcing the other had made it to the roof, but the small voice was not one he had expected.

He almost dropped his pipe right over the side of the building, coughing out a puff of smoke in a rather undignified manner. He knew his body to her would appear stiff, his ears pricked forward on high alert. Remi always was an open book with his body language.

It took him a moment, a mini mental debate, that told him she was actually THERE and not just some figment of his imagination. He heard the ladder, her footsteps. He also knew how much she was afraid of heights, and if this really was her...how much it took for her to come this far. He turned his head towards her, his eyewhites a slightly more red tint than usual (probably from the smoking). He did little more than stare at her, unsure of just what to say and trying to keep his relief off his face. He knew he was failing at the latter.

"Yes?" The words were soft, and emotionless, and didn't sound like him at all. He wished he could be happy, wished he could be sad. Or even anger at this point would have been welcome. Truly he had no idea how to respond that would not spook her away.

enoh love

 

[Enoh Love]

Well, he didn't look angry at her. That was a start.

From where she was, she couldn't tell if he was relieved or not, and even if she did see it, she likely wouldn't have believed it. She expected him to be furious with her - though truth be told, she had never really seen him angry at her. Then again, she had never gone out of her way to make him hate her before, so there was always that.

"I um. Was kind of hoping you weren't here…" She started nervously, trying and quite failing to make a conversation. A strained noise left her, one that was likely trying to be a laugh, trying to make light of her horrible fear of heights. "But I…couldn't find you anywhere else, so…" Anything she said now just felt uncomfortable, like she had forgotten how to interact with him, or simply wasn't sure anymore. Her stitched hands twisted together, fingers locking with each other nervously, and finally she let out a shaking sigh, turning her eyes to the sky as she tried to come up with something that would make this less difficult.

There really wasn't a way to do that.

"Listen…" She started again, dropping her gaze to him, focusing on him for a few moments. When her gaze dropped, it was because her attention moved to the scenery in the distance, and looking at her feet was always a better option than staring at the sights from the roof. "I know I…probably don't deserve this but…I was wondering if, maybe, we could…talk?" Jack, had she always been so awkward?

lilwolfpard

 

[Lilwolfpard]

Truth be told he was also rather surprised that he appearance hadn't tossed him into an irrational anger spiral. It was quite possibly that after so much time he felt numb, impartial, done with it. He also wished he knew what to say, but he remained where he was.

The awkwardness of the conversation between them wasn't helped by his silence, not exactly replying to her words other than watching her warily. Finally, after some time he gave out a sigh and looked away from her and back towards the view. He waited for a moment, wondering himself if he should just go back to ignoring the world.... but knew at his base he was a weak man. Weak for people he cared about, he couldn't ignore her even if she did deserve it. Pipe in hand he tapped it lightly against the ledge he was perched on, removing any further ashes inside. Standing up he pocketed it and moved away towards another ledge, but this one was chair-height and didn't overlook the grounds like the previous one had. A blackened hand reached out and patted the space next to him, inviting her to sit down. He knew there was no way she would sit next to him while he was at his previous location. He knew that she feared heights and he was not THAT much of a vindictive a*****e.

"You climbed up here for the mere chance that i might be here?" His voice, now sounding more like itself, was scratchy and rougher than usual from the weeks of smoking abuse.

enoh love

 

[Enoh Love]

Amrita looked at the offered ledge with a great deal of apprehension. Sure she wouldn't really be able to see the grounds from there, but at the same time, it was a ledge. She still trusted that Remi wasn't mad enough to throw her off the ledge, but she didn't trust the school to be as understanding of her phobia. Suggesting they have their talk elsewhere was definitely on the tip of her tongue, but her need to speak to him - and not prolong this inevitability - was greater than her need for comfort. The patchwork was clinging to that bandaid metaphor of hers. She had to.

"I…really wanted to talk to you?" She offered in way of answer and explanation in one, spreading her hands in front of her as if presenting him with the facts. The scratch to his voice was noticeable, but she didn't feel she was in any position to lecture him on it. Not anymore…and likely not ever again, unless she managed to fix what she had ruined. if she could fix it.

Keeping her gaze on the ground, she moved towards the ledge and sat beside Remi, keeping a modest distance between them out of embarrassment alone. Her hands - also blackened, almost enough to hide Merlin's mark on the back of one of them - sat on her lap, twisted together as if the tangle of digits would draw away the equally knotted nerves in the rest of her body.

She took a deep breath, but didn't get started right away. Instead, she focused on her dark hands, and tried to draw up the courage to speak to him. When she did, she still refused to look at him, wanting to avoid seeing the look on his face because no matter how he looked at her now, all she could see was the pain that had been there before. Her resolve would have crumbed around her.

"First off, I just…really wanted to apologize to you. I said some awful things and then I just…left." Her hands clenched tighter for only a moment, and her gaze never once left her fingers. "And that…isn't right. At all. Not to you, who's been with me through thick and thin. That was really unfair of me, and downright cruel, and I am so, so sorry…" Her expression pinched, pained at the memory.

lilwolfpard

 

[Lilwolfpard]

The modest distance she kept between them when she sat down was enough to quirk his lips a little, but not much. The fact she sat so far away was a subtle reminder to him of what they had, and what they lost just those few weeks prior. Amrita was taking a while to catch her thoughts, something he too was working on.

Honestly, he should be angrier than he was right now. Remi at this point was only biding his time, a man lost and waiting before his emotional dam he erected in the past month, to come crashing down.

A crack in the walls. "You really did, were, cruel i mean. Before you left." He muttered, knowing the words on the surface were also rude. He honestly didn't know how to have this conversation without being a little crude, he felt he earned the right to be upset." But then again," He settled, learning backwards to look up at the sky. "To a degree, so was i.

"How-how could you do that Amrita?" Another crack. "After- After I said...

"Where did leaving for those two weeks get you? Clearly something happened, or we wouldn't be having this conversation." He changed the subject rather quickly, knowing she had replied to his little confession loud and clear. Hell, she even ignored him all this time. "I thought you were ending our relationship."

enoh love

Writing an emotional remi is hard LMAO my little dumb boy

 

[Enoh Love]

"I deserved it. You didn't." Amrita admitted quietly, her brow furrowing sadly. She then flinched at the tone of his voice, as he asked her the question she had been dreading. It was another one that he had every right to ask, and it was one of the many that she feared.

"I'm-" Her voice broke with guilt, but she paused with a gasp as he gathered himself, and changed the topic. She was looking at him then, her grey eye searching him in surprise. What she had been up to was a loaded question, really. A lot had happened in the two weeks she left, and more in the two weeks she had put off this meeting. Her explanation was another lost one in the wake of his observation which, after looking at everything from his point of view, was a very valid one.

"…Honestly? That's what I wanted." It hurt to admit, and it was then that her hands unfurled, lifting to grab onto her braid. She began to thread her fingers through it, undoing her hair; fidgeting always soothed her nerves, and right now, she had a lot of them. "I'm…not in a good situation, at all." As if he didn't know that already. "When I said those things and when I…responded like I did…It was because I really was trying to make you hate me. I was giving up. I needed you to push me away, because…I thought it was better for you to not get involved with me anymore. I thought that hurting you now would be better than putting you through pain later, when things inevitably got worse." Her hair had become loose, her flowers set down on the ledge on the other side of her. Every word she spoke hurt, bringing back all the shame and embarrassment she felt over how she had treated him. Her hands had raised, about to braid her hair again, but instead they slumped down

"Love is already hard enough. For as wonderful as it can be…sometimes, it's just not worth it. I didn't want you to love me, and I didn't want to let myself love you, knowing that sooner or later you'd have to watch me disappear…and I'd have to watch you lose me." Her voice trailed off miserably as she stared at the space between her black feet.

"I tried leaving Amityville and Halloweentown. I went to another city, somewhere far from here, with Hel. I thought it would be better for everyone but…Jack, I was wrong. I've always been so very wrong…about all of this. It took getting far away to fully realize all of that." She leaned forward, sliding forward to hold her head in her hands, her elbows biting into her knees. This situation continued to weigh on her, her core heavy, burdened by her own fears and problems.

"I don't want to die, Remi. I don't want to go down without a fight anymore. I don't want to keeping throwing away everything I have. I don't want to actually lose you…" Her voice broke; if she could cry, she would have been at that moment. It was a swell of emotions, facing everything she had tossed away in a misguided sense of protection. Protecting the ones she loved by pushing them away…making her inevitable demise all the easier on them because of it. Her shoulders shook, a tremble flowing through her body as her emotions tried to find an outlet that was not tears. When she lifted her head, her fingers drew down flesh and bone, curling lightly under her chin, then falling carefully to her lap. As much as it hurt, she turned her head and forced herself to look at him.

"I do love you, Remi. I think I've always loved you, and I always will. Even if I've already ruined it, even if you can't stand me anymore, I'll still love you. I can't help it…and I'm so, so sorry for what I've done to you. I'm so sorry…"

lilwolfpard

 

[Lilwolfpard]

Like so much of the previous conversation, and so out-of-character of him, he waited and listened. He was tense with curiosity, that knowledge that she was finally giving him the reason for so many weeks, hell, months of pain. He was not a silent partner, always one to push those he cares about in all things. Once Remi realized something was wrong with Amrita, he followed suit and began to ask. This gradual game of push and prod eventuality lead up to some glorious fights, but not the good kind. Remi enjoyed bickering, but these fights with Amrita were not pleasant. She was just as stubborn, if not more, than he was.

"…Honestly? That's what I wanted." He tried to remain impartial, neutral, but he couldn't even stop his body from slumping down a little, his ears folding back against his head, that twinge of pain as she spoke. He thought he wanted to hear this, but in some ways? He didn't. He thought a month of feeling this would have made him partial to this conversation, but in reality all it did was make him feel worse. He started to fidget where he sat, unsure if he wanted to hear the rest.

Just as he opened his mouth to reply, she continued, and his expression turned in to a frown as he clamped his teeth together with a snap. He felt a flutter of hope at her final words, that helped a lot to clear his head of the pain he felt and allow him to focus on more urgent concerns. If her words were true, he suddenly felt his feelings were incredibly selfish.

Slowly the gap between them lessened, and as she took the last flower out of her hair, letting the braid run free, his fingers moved gently through the mass. He had to be gentle as he started to pull her hair back into its traditional braid, Claws were not always a useful thing, so the braid wasn't as neat as when she did it herself. Just as he was almost finished, he lay it on her back without anything to tie it together. Feelings could wait, for now. "Why do you think you are dying?" He whispered, choosing which conversation to start up on being the more-urgent of the bunch. It took a lot for a creature of halloween to die, the fear in the fibers that made their world allowing them to reform if something happened to their mortal flesh. "You sound like you know you are dying, that something is wrong, and it will end in your death if it can't be stopped. " He scooted up until he was more beside her and less behind her. "This is why you cut yourself off from everyone." It was a statement but also a question, one that made him look thoughtful if not serious. "Why?"

enoh love

hnnng prioritizing conversations is hard when he just wanted to selfishly be sad LMFAO. Sigh /kicks her stupid boy

 

[Enoh Love]

Somehow, she hadn't expected him to re-braid her hair. At first the touch surprised her, and though her first instinct was to move away, she stayed still. As it became clear what he was doing she began to relax, and she let him do what he seemed intent on doing. Truthfully, her heart ached. Those claws of his weaving gently through her hair was almost too good to be true. She didn't deserve gentle, she didn't deserve help, but there he was, braiding her hair with claws that could easily render her skin to shreds.

"That's because I do know." Her voice matched his, nothing more than a pained whisper. It wasn't that she sounded like she knew; she knew. She was sure of it. His comment on it being the reason she cut herself off earned him a nod; he was understanding her situation a little bit, as horrible as it was. "There's something wrong with my core. It's…It's wrong. Broken, but...not. I can't explain it..." Without her hair easily accessible to play with, her hands twisted together again, fingers linking and burying between palms. "I don't heal as well as I used to. What used to take hours, takes days now…and it got worse after I got my tag off." She explained, still whispering, afraid anyone other than Remi was listening in.

"But I'm…I'm losing days. When I black out, whole days go by without memory of what happened, and each week that time gets a little longer and…and there's something wrong with me, Remi. Very wrong…and I think - no, I know - that soon, I won't wake up." Her expression pinched again, bringing her hands up to press tightly against her chest. "But the worst part…the worst part…is that when I black out…someone else wakes up."

lilwolfpard