Can I Forgive Someone Who Doesn’t Confess Wronging Me?

[Garland-Green]

Interview with John Piper
Founder & Teacher, desiringGod.org
Audio Transcript

A question from Jason: “Pastor John, hello! As you know, in Matthew 18, the parable of the unforgiving servant ends with a dire warning to those who don’t forgive: ‘So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart’ (Matthew 18:35). Verse 34 explains the ‘so’ of 35: ‘And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt’ (Matthew 18:34). I have a lot of questions about this passage, but the main two are: (1) Can I biblically forgive someone if they don’t ask to be forgiven, or can I just be disposed or willing to forgive them if/when they ask? What if I, or they, die before I can forgive them? (2) Can I biblically forgive someone if they think they’ve done nothing wrong to me?”

I hear at least three questions:

1.Can we forgive a person who doesn’t think they’ve done wrong (and we think they have)? That’s really relevant to marriage, by the way. I think that happens a lot in marriage.
2.If they don’t ask for forgiveness, can forgiveness proceed?
3.What if I die before I forgive them or they ask?

Continue reading: link  

[Lady Vizsla]

We should forgive simply because God forgave us.  

[cristobela]

edited: to quote out the passage in Romans that I cited and include more of its context; plus, correct typo & clarify wording.

Lady Aryel

We should forgive simply because God forgave us.

Yes, but it's not that simple considering how God forgives. What makes the topic difficult to wade through, and something he didn't address, are verses like:

• Luke 17:3-4 (NIV)
  
  3 So watch yourselves.
  
  “If your brother or sister[a] sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. 4 Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”
  
  Footnotes:
  
  a. Luke 17:3 The Greek word for brother or sister (adelphos) refers here to a fellow disciple, whether man or woman.
  
  
• Luke 24:46-47 (NIV)
  
  46 He told them, “This is what is written: The Messiah will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, 47 and repentance for the forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem.
  
  
• Luke 3:3 (NIV)
  
  3 He went into all the country around the Jordan, preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.

Why does John the Baptist (in Luke 3:3) have to prepare the way for Jesus' forgiveness by preaching repentance first if repentance isn't necessary for forgiveness? Does God forgive people that don't repent (confess/acknowledge/recognize their wrongdoing and renounce it)?

He may withhold the effects of His animosity, grudges, hostility, for a while, in His mercy, and He doesn't want to hang on to grudges/a messed up relationship with us, but has He forgiven the one who dies without repenting of sins and recognizing their wrongs (at the very least against Him)? and How does that affect us, who are suppose to reflect this truth about Him in our relationships with people? is YHWH forgiving everyone even if they don't repent/recognize/confess sins, and not want to have anything to do with sinning (against fellow creation and against Creator) anymore?

Hence the predicament.

What if we put God as the one asking the question, "Can I Forgive Someone Who Doesn’t Confess Wronging Me?"

Whatever the answer to that question is, that God answers, is true for us as His followers to reflect. We show them mercy, and bless them despite their wickedness, but are they actually forgiven ultimately...? Clearly, God shows love to everyone, but has He forgiven everyone?

• Matthew 5:44-46 (NIV)
  
  44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?
  
  
• Luke 6:35-38 (NIV)
  
  35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
  
  37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

And the latter is where we could come in and say, God forgave us while we were still His enemies (but we eventually repented, right? Not just that but keeping the faith / keeping the trusting relationship):

• Romans 5:10 (NIV)
  
  10 For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!
  
  
• Colossians 1:21-23 (NIV)
  
  21 Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of[a] your evil behavior. 22 But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— 23 if you continue in your faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant.
  
  Footnotes:
  
  a. Colossians 1:21 Or minds, as shown by

It just seems like receiving forgiveness from someone—and staying forgiven in the eyes of the one you wronged—is always conditional. It requires some kind of permanent change in the relationship with the person, and permanence/stability in that change / in that way of relating towards them, and if you wrong them, then, once you realize it, seeking that forgiveness to maintain that relationship right (staying repentant).

With God, there's another dimension since He is ultimate judge: we not being hypocrites: if He forgave us, then we must forgive others even if they hate us (like we hated Him/were His enemies when He forgave us—or rather, was willing to forgive us, but we weren't actually forgiven until we accepted His Son, the condition, repent)...

• John 3:18 (NIV)
  
  18 Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.

...and continue believing, as Paul said above in Colossians 1:23 (and repeats in other places like Romans 11:13-23); otherwise, we don't stay forgiven with Him.

• Romans 11:13-23 (NIV)
  
  13 I am talking to you Gentiles. Inasmuch as I am the apostle to the Gentiles, I take pride in my ministry 14 in the hope that I may somehow arouse my own people to envy and save some of them. 15 For if their rejection brought reconciliation to the world, what will their acceptance be but life from the dead? 16 If the part of the dough offered as firstfruits is holy, then the whole batch is holy; if the root is holy, so are the branches.
  
  17 If some of the branches have been broken off, and you, though a wild olive shoot, have been grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing sap from the olive root, 18 do not consider yourself to be superior to those other branches. If you do, consider this: You do not support the root, but the root supports you. 19 You will say then, “Branches were broken off so that I could be grafted in.” 20 Granted. But they were broken off because of unbelief, and you stand by faith. Do not be arrogant, but tremble. 21 For if God did not spare the natural branches, he will not spare you either.
  
  22 Consider therefore the kindness and sternness of God: sternness to those who fell, but kindness to you, provided that you continue in his kindness. Otherwise, you also will be cut off. 23 And if they do not persist in unbelief, they will be grafted in, for God is able to graft them in again.

As an aside: it's important to do good to our enemies, and at least be willing to forgive others and do them favors, do good and show them kindness, despite them hating on us because that act of mercy we show others who hate us may even be the impetus for what makes them realize: why am I baselessly hating on this person?

However, and an important distinction, there will be some kind of divine retribution for whatever unforgiveness we still hold, for choosing to stay unforgiving and unmerciful despite the other person being willing to reconcile and we're holding grudges for no reason at that point. Which is why God punished that wicked servant in the parable. His servant knew he did wrong by not paying him back, and was asking for mercy (forgiveness); he was not in denial that he had done wrong and that he owed him, but the wicked servant wouldn't have mercy on his servant regardless and wanted him to pay up. That's what's wrong. The other person is confessing their wrong, wants to make it right, but you want to punish it anyway. Now that's what is unlike God's nature (who forgives if you do sincerely repent/recognize your wrongs and want to make things right).

Is there an example unlike the parable (thus unlike knowing they owe and are begging for mercy, aware of their debt/wrong against another, acknowledge it/confess it, willing to make it right with the person they wronged), but instead where the person refuses to acknowledge their wrong, and God forgives them anyway in the long run? stay forgiven (thus not being an extension of His mercy until you repent and actually get forgiven—but forgiven despite your stubborn persistence in continuing the wrong and not recognizing it as wrong to the end)?

I'm not seeking to make this complicated, but stay in sound doctrine because the furthest thing I want to do is be like this:

• Matthew 15:8-9 (NIV)
  
  8 “‘These people honor me with their lips,
      but their hearts are far from me.
  9 They worship me in vain;
      their teachings are merely human rules.’[a]”
  
  Footnotes:
  
  a. Matthew 15:9 Isaiah 29:13
  
  
  
• 2 Timothy 4:3 (NIV)
  
  3 For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.

I do not want to give people a false reflection of how God forgives (not that I can think of anyone that I haven't forgiven, but even in what I share about God with people, I don't want to give people a false reflection of how He forgives). He shows love to everyone, even His enemies, willing to restore the relationship and overlook our foolishness/unmerited animosity towards Him, but the relationship is not repaired without the admittance of wrongs, and turning away from them. And if He forgave you once when you recognized your wrongs and begged Him for it, that doesn't mean you stay forgiven if you then go out and refuse to forgive people who are willing to make things right with you but you refuse. It's hypocritical and a failure to reflect YHWH's Nature. That does invite divine retribution (to knowingly do this and be unfair: you were willing to make things right so God forgave you, but someone else is willing to make things right with you, but you don't forgive them).

Similarly, I would think that failing to forgive others who are willing to make it right with us, is trampling the blood of the Son of God underfoot after He has reconciled us by His blood and sanctified us / has forgiven us (we were granted forgiveness, but if we then refuse to forgive others when they are willing to make things right with us, we render His blood null and void over us):

• Hebrews 10:26-30 (NIV)
  
  26 If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, 27 but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. 28 Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. 29 How much more severely do you think someone deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified them, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? 30 For we know him who said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[a] and again, “The Lord will judge his people.”[b]
  
  Footnotes:
  
  a. Hebrews 10:30 Deut. 32:35
  b. Hebrews 10:30 Deut. 32:36; Psalm 135:14

This is a person who was reconciled and sanctified by Jesus—and God turns on them. Let's just allow the parable to say what it means: get forgiven, but if you then go out and refuse to forgive those who are willing to make it right with you, then you don't stay forgiven with God. You can lose salvation. No sacrifice for sins is left.

In a nutshell: I think Piper is redefining things in ways that Scripture does not. YHWH loves His enemies and does good to them, even blesses them, but that doesn't mean they're forgiven and/or stay forgiven.