[PRP] I Don't Want This Anymore [Harvest x Prelude]

[NymiiNym]

Prelude hadn't visited her in months. No — years. They had seen one another here and there, but it hadn't premeditated or lasting. Harvest blamed it on her having kids; they needed a lot of attention and Harvest refused to rely on her tribe to raise them at the time. She had wanted them to have the choice to stay or leave and not feel like they were required to stay, and so she had spent much of her time ensuring their health and happiness.

It took until her 5th visit to see Unia for her to realize Prelude had dropped off the face of the earth.

While they hadn't planned to meet during the year, they have frequently stumbled upon one another in their lives. They shared the same friends, and Harvest visited Unia almost as much as Prelude did, resulting in them stumbling upon one another. Suddenly, she didn't find her way to him, he just stopped existing. Worry was slow to come, but once it cemented Harvest had found herself planning a trip. She needed to see him — needed to make sure he was okay and alive still. Her two new BCRs seemed as good of a reason as any.

So here she was, standing in front of his cave with a scowl on her face, BCRs dangling from her tail. Was he inside? Did he still live here? "Prelude?"  

[NymiiNym]

Prelude laid against the back of his cave, eyes narrowed and wings covering his long body. The cold, metal object laid in front of his nose, craving the warmth he offered. He eyed the BCR, eyes slowly blinking as he released a long, tired sigh.

It didn't matter anymore.

He shifted onto his side, back to the unfamiliar metal BCR. He didn't care. If the BCR died or he starved to death that was fine. There wasn't a point anymore in anything. The BCR would hatch into a child he couldn't care for, anyway, and they'd eventually die either by his neglect or a mistake he'd inevitably make. It all ended the same, and he just didn't have the energy anymore to fight what was doomed to happen.

The BCR was a mistake. One of his many. He knew where it came from; that night he spent with the beautiful vixen who only managed to distract him from a few hours from his all consuming depression. She had abandoned the BCR the moment she could, leaving it for him to awaken to that morning without a warm spot next to him. Prelude hadn't registered it at first, assuming the BCR must have been something else. Something fake, maybe?

When it became evident it wasn't, Prelude had resigned himself. Life didn't matter, and neither did this BCR. He just didn't have the energy.

His ear flicked as the soft call from the front of his den, head raising to glance towards the entrance. Harvest? What was she doing here? He hesitated, entertaining the thought of just staying where he was. No, she had come all this way, and her visits had meaning; he didn't want to deal with her storming in here and tugging him out. He released a deep exhale, pulling himself up, stepping over the BCR as he made his way towards the light. He stopped towards the edge of where shadow and grass met, ears folded against his head as he looked at his longtime friends.

Harvest — what was she doing here? "Harvest," He croaked, offering a tired smile.  

[NymiiNym]

Harvest raised her head as the 'phim she sought pulled himself from the darkness. He looked... skinny, unusually so. His normal long limbs looked almost stick like. His cheeks were hollow, and his normally lively eyes? They had lost their life. Normally; did she know what was normal now? How long had he been like this? She had seen it before; losing Cloud Chaser had made him practically dead to the world, but she couldn't imagine what happened now.

Unless....

Had Ume left? Was she missing? Harvest bit back the questions, eyes narrowing at his smile. Carefully, Harvest cleared her throat, flipping her tail over to expose her two BCRs.

"It seems you're a godfather, again."  

[NymiiNym]

He could see her gears turning, his jaw clenching against the desire to turn away from her gaze. She was figuring it out, watching his face as if it held all the answers. Did fighting it matter? Did he even care if she realized how much of a sad sack he was? No, not particularly.

His eyes trailed to the BCRs, a tired recognition in his eyes. He could remember their quiet, whimsical amusement at the idea that they could one day be parents. He thought of the days he had laughed and promised that he'd have kids when she did to ensure this beautiful friendship continued on through the years. He remembered the time he felt his stomach twist when she had kids and he didn't follow in her steps.

Suddenly, he hated those memories. A bitterness touched his features, an emotion he quickly tried to stomp down under a smile. "Congratulations," He cheered softly, his eyes flicking back to his den. Wait. Wait — this was perfect. One more BCR to slide into her litter wouldn't hurt, right? Suddenly, it seemed perfect; he could foist this problem onto her.

"Wait," He urged, raising a paw to her before scurrying into the den. "This is perfect — no no, really! Like, look," Bounding up to the BCR, he lifted it, wincing at the cold sharp touch against his tongue. Was it alive? He trotted back to Harvest, dropping the poor thing at her feet.

"See, you can take this, right? It'll be fine with you, really."  

[NymiiNym]

The look on her face must have been priceless. She almost wished she had brought Taiat to confirm the suspicion, but she couldn't help it, honestly. The little BCR, clearly marked with Prelude's colors, was a foreign concept to her. Kids? Of course, she had known he always wanted them; it was clear when he kept introducing permakits into his life and spoke of his past loves. He always wanted children, but right when it came time to have them his mates would leave him. This... was Ume's and his? Except, no, something seemed off. He wasn't right, made clear as he seemed to babble finally.

Take... it? The 'daeva couldn't help the stupefied snort that left her, head shaking against the request. No, no she couldn't take it, really! She already had two! She didn't want another one. That, and a part of her knew she'd never be able to keep up with a child of Prelude's. What in the world was going on?

"You're joking, right? Wouldn't Ume get mad?"  

[NymiiNym]

He felt the giddy nerves roll in his stomach as a panicked smile touched his features. His blood turned cold, heart hammering as the sun suddenly became all too real. It was too bright, too warm. He was aware of every feather on his body, of every breath he took. His eyes locked on hers, the smile widening as he felt his throat constrict.

She had to take it.

"Nope, because Ume's not here!" The cheer in his voice strained against the sheer panic that wobbled in, his head raising to toss hair from his eyes. She needed to take the BCR, now. He didn't want to see it anymore. He didn't want to acknowledge how cold it had been in his mouth, or how when he thought of that beautiful vixen his stomach tightened. His life was falling apart, and he didn't want this child. Just take it already!

"In fact," He wanted to admit it all, tell Harvest how much his life had fallen apart. How he had ruined everything, like he always did. Like he always would. "She's not ever going to be here again!"  

[NymiiNym]

Harvest felt herself lean away as Prelude spoke of false cheer. Her tail protectively slid around her body, careful to mind the BCRs. She wasn't afraid of him, not exactly. No, instead a confused stupor washed over her. This wasn't new, this wasn't something he was just experiencing. Something was wrong with him, and something had been for a long time. That something she had not been there for. She was acutely aware now of each time she had tossed aside the idea to visit him for something else; playing with her kids, cleaning her amethyst, talking to Taiat. All things that could have waited a day or so in favor of stopping whatever was unfolding in front of her.

When she looked back at it, when had she started noticing his pained smiles? When had she begun to realize his emerald eyes were growing more and more dull? After Daciana? After Cloud Chaser? After each and every failed attempt to have kids? When had she noticed it and begun to think it'd just get better?

She thought he had the answer when he met and settled down for a third time, but why? Third times a charm? Because she couldn't bear to think of what a third heartbreak could do to him? Was it even that? He had started to crumble before, and it was only hindered by the presence of Cloud Chaser. No, if she thought about it...

He had something everyone had ignored. She knew the word, she knew it rattled in her head as she fought to stop herself from giving it life. She didn't want to admit that the fun, loving, and frankly annoying 'phim was not okay, because she had relied on his constant happiness to keep her grounded. To keep her sane at times. No, she knew this word, and she should have realized.

Depression.

She winced against the realization, head shaking as Prelude released a short, shaky laugh. For a moment, she hesitated. She didn't know what to do — what to offer. Except, she did, if she thought about it. Slowly, the 'daeva rose, approaching the 'phim with a careful pace until she was within touching distance. Carefully, as if he might break, she slid against him, nuzzling into his cheek and then side as she felt his weight press into hers. She didn't even protest when the 'phim finally collapsed onto his side, snuggling against her childhood friend as closely as she could. Affection was never her forte, but he needed it.

"Tell me what happened, Prelude."  

[NymiiNym]

Prelude didn't like how she looked at him. He didn't like the pity behind her eyes, it only served to remind him he was broken — someone who needed that look. He didn't; he was fine. He was completely and utterly fine. His heart hammered under the panic, body tightening as she came close. He wanted to scream; to chase her away and throw the BCR down the mountain top until everything was gone and quiet.

Her touch lingered at first, sending a wave of repulse through him as he fought the urge to shove her away. The warmth molded into his, leaving a comfort he hadn't expected to find in her touch. Slowly, Prelude relented, leaning into her side until his legs began to remind him of just how weak they were these days. Sighing lowly, Prelude flopped onto his side, allowing Harvest to snuggle close as he fought the water in his eyes. He was fine, why was he crying?

"Nothing." He felt the lie on his tongue, eyes wincing. She'd know, she always knew. His mouth trembled as the years of not okay threatened to spill. No, stay shut, don't tell her, don't tell he-

"Everything happened," He blurted, voice soft and lost. "I happened. I did it again; I ruined everything. That's what I do, Harvest, I ruin things."  

[NymiiNym]

Her head reeled at the confession, instantly finding herself shaking a 'no' at him. She didn't know what happened between him and Ume, but the claim he ruined things made her feel sick to her stomach. That was a deep self-hatred she couldn't understand.

"That isn't true," She paused, eyes flicking to the BCR. Was he fit to raise it right now? "I don't think it is, Prelude. " She found herself doubting her own words. Were they enough? Could she say anything to fix this? No, she didn't think she could.

"You've never ruined anything between us..." She helplessly added.  

[NymiiNym]

He heard her words -- they lingered around him as the syllables left her lips, masquerading as comfort and togetherness. Prelude knew she meant it. Knew she believed the words she said and probably felt the sympathy he heard leaking from her lips.

It wasn't enough.
Nothing was.

Nothing she said could sway him from his conclusion about his own existence on this deity forsaken earth. He was a blunder -- a mistake that kept ruining the lives of those around him and chasing away anyone who mattered. Daciana, Cloud Chaser, Ume -- they all had left the same way they came; suddenly and without warning.

Except, there was a warning, wasn't there? Daciana had lost the spark in her eyes weeks before they ended their relationship. Cloud Chaser had stopped looking at him the same way. And then Ume -- he couldn't remember the signs. He had thought it was finally perfect, and then-

"She left," He spat, tasting the sentence; a foul and putrid flavor. "Because that's what happens, Harvest. They leave, and I'm left as the failure at the end of the road. She left without a word or sight and then I ******** up -- like always. I fell apart and said <******** it, y'know? Just really stopped caring. Went wherever anyone wanted me. And then I met her -- I don't even remember her name. But she remembered me; left this BCR at my feet and left."

They always left.

"Honestly? I don't want to hear it. I'm done. I get it now -- I really get it now. It was always meant to be like this. That's fine, okay? Fine. Fine, I'm done fighting it. Just-" He leveled his gaze with Harvest, head jerking towards her feet. "Please, take it. I can't be a father. I don't want to be -- not alone. If you don't take it I'll just leave it, Harvest -- I'll leave it here until you decide to come back and take it. Because you will -- you'll come back."