[PRP] Nightmares and Death (Rizdax & Nimueh)

[Hattaki]

The night before had been the absolute worst that Rizdax had ever weathered in all the turns he'd ever been alive. It was worse than the night his face had been scarred, it had been worse than the day his mother died, and it was even worse than watching his brother die.That was exactly what he'd seen in his nightmares that night though, multiple sickening nightmares of his brother dying over and over the same way and all around him, legs stuck in the ground and unable to move. Though he'd known he was having a nightmare each time he watched it, lived it really, the teenager hadn't been able to wake himself up and once he had woken up at last he'd found himself in the healers ward feeling sick and weak. Though he couldn't remember what had happened to get him there, the healers had explained that another candidate had drug him there when they'd noticed him get sick and not wake up and sick was how he surely felt once he'd woken and lost even more of his previous night's meal somewhat violently.

After a few hours of not being allowed to move or even wanting to go back to sleep, Riz had been released to the day and buried himself in work and cleaning and lessons. It was mind numbing of course, but that was what he wanted and he had no interest in even trying to face his inner demons, at least not until one of the healers from that morning had appeared before him after lunch and given him a name, told him he had to visit her. That she could help as she'd helped that healer personally. Hollow bloodshot eyes had simply peered back at the woman until she'd left, but even as she'd left she was singing the praises of this Nimueh and her brown dragon.

That had been all that the redhead needed to hear, that she had a dragon. Of all the people that could have tried to help him he would trust a dragon before he would trust another person and even as he walked towards the weyr he'd been told to find he could feel the exhaustion settling over him. All he wanted to do was sleep, all he wanted to do was not dream and be woken up to sickness and weakness like he had earlier in the day. But there was no way for him to convey that to anyone that was a friend, he really only had one in the entire Weyr that he could talk to, the others either currently hated him or were busy with their own things. Riz couldn't level all of this onto Shar, she didn't deserve that, not his best friend.

Upon finally reaching the door to the mindhealer's personal weyr he hesitated and not just because he'd never once been inside a weyr before. With a very shaky breath the redhead closed his eyes and tried to steel his innards because he wasn't at all ready to have someone reach into his head and try to shake him up to fix him. Not that he knew what she was going to do, he had no idea how this was going to go and it terrified him to no end to think that he would be forced to relive the worst moments of his life over and over for someone. Again he sucked in a shaky breath and finally knocked, uncertain if the woman would be there even but hoping simultaneously that she was and that she wasn't, for Riz felt sick even now.

"Hello?" Riz called out as he knocked on the door once more shyly, trying to keep himself from scratching off more of the skin on his arms from unease as he did so.

Sinders Path

 

[Sinders Path]

Nimueh's voice drifted through the door before she reached a gentle scolding yet amused tone. "Really Mharlith my love if you push yourself in any further you are going to bring down my whole weyr. out with you" Though Nimueh could speak mind to mind with her dragon as well as any other rider pair she had gotten into the habit of scolding him out loud when he was close enough to hear it to further impress her displeasure on the brown. There was a brief pause where the brown had obviously answered back, a soft laugh and then the door swung open.

Nimueh stood there with a smile and a soft nod of greeting. "And you must be Rizdax. My healer friend told you that you would be dropping by today. My name is Nimueh,but you can call me Nim please come in." Nim was a matronly figure, a women of middling years, holding a little extra weight around her hips and ample laughter lines around her warm hazel eyes. She was dressed in a flowing skirt and colorful blue blouse with a brown waistcoat over it. A pair of reading glasses had been pushed up over her head holding her shoulder length brown hair back from a heart shaped face. She was the type of women that was quick to offer a hug and it showed in her whole demeanor.

She stood back and ushered in the poor boy on her door step. She had been warned what to expect of course but the state of the poor lad was still a mild shock to her, why hadn't the poor thing been sent to her earlier? Or any mind healer for that matter. She kept the soft huff of annoyance to herself but Mharlith still picked up on it and instantly reached out to soothe her. "We can help him now." Of course they could, and would.

Nim's personality carried on into her weyr of course, and it was full of deep plush furniture, deep dark wood fixings and things cluttering the shelves and cabinets on display, including old bits of tech, scolls made of both hide and paper and even a few rare bound books. The later were mostly concentrated to a corner where a steady wooden desk and chair set stood. The desk itself was cluttered with healers bottles and vials, a pestle and mortar as well as a few empty containers. The fireplace was large but unlit thanks to the summer heat and there was a kettle whistling away merrily on a miniature aga instead. However the thing that stood out most in the small room was a large brown dragon head. Yes it was still attached to a neck which snaked back ad out through the door that lead to the dragons ledge. Mharlith liked to be included in things and that was so much harder stuck out on the ledge...alone. Unfortunately Mharlith was not a small dragon rivaling and exceeding many bronzes in bulk so getting his head and neck in was all he could manage. His eyes whirled a happy mix of blue and green at Riz and he cooed a greeting at Riz as he entered.

When Nim turned back to see him she let out an exasperated sigh and threw her arms up, speaking aloud for Riz's sake. "I thought we agreed you'd stay out on your ledge you great wherry. At least until I had a chance to get our new guest settled."

But I wanted to see him. And say hello.
The brown protested before turning to Riz with a bright "Hello!" Stright to his mind and a little wiggle of his head.
"Right now you've said hello out with you before you knock over any of my potions like last time." Nim told him barely holding the amusement and pure love out of her tone. Mharlith gave a sad little huff and reluctantly snaked his head back out of the room.

"Right, now we have got that out of the way, please take a seat Riz. I'm just brewing us some tea." she told the young candidate motioning to one of the plush looking high back chaired by the fire, facing it's twin and separated by a small table.  

[Hattaki]

He didn't know really what to expect when the door to the mind healer's weyr opened but it certainly hadn't been the woman that had greeted him. Warmth seemed to radiate from both her and her weyr just from the moment he could see inside but that did nothing to ease Rizdax of his nerves and that might have more to do with how exhausted he was rather than anything he saw or she said. It worried him, that others had told her, that someone had spoken about it, because what if word got back that he was a weak candidate and wasn't worthy of standing alongside all the others on the sands, that he couldn't Impress a dragon? The thought made a shiver run down him and his body slowly started to shake as he bowed to the woman and stepped inside, each step he took made him shake just a bit harder until he was full on shivering in her presence from fear and anxiety. In his mind, no matter what she could do in reality, the woman was about to decide his fate for him and looking at himself through her eyes momentarily he knew how he would have judged him. Skinny even for his extremely short size, dark circles under his eyes that seemed to grow more each day, bandages down both arms from how he'd scratched them raw during the two recent gold flights, and his skin was even paler than he'd ever seen it before because he'd not gotten enough sleep to even try going outside and cleaning anything unless forced to. Rizdax felt like a hollow husk of a human and had been trying so hard for the past two months to hold himself together against the nightmares that plagued him.

Swallowing roughly at the knot that was forming in his throat, the redhead had been about to open his mouth and respond when a voice that sounded like bright joy and felt like a warm hug came straight into his mind. After having two dragons speak to him, each one sounding different than the last, it was still a new experience to him, since as far as Rizdax could tell dragons never talked to anyone other than their bonded unless they absolutely had to. Both of his golden eyes widened and some of the shaking eased a bit as he wrapped both of his bandaged arms around his torso and looked at the head that was disappearing back out of the room.

"H... hi." Even to him his voice sounded cracked and wrong, but fear unlike what he had known was tugging at him even as he took in the peaceful and welcoming surroundings placed all about him. Having grown up with next to nothing, sleeping on a bed of straw until he came to High Reaches and was given a cot, this was the nicest place he had ever seen and certainly one of the most wonderfully comfortable. But it made him oddly uncomfortable, because he knew full well that he didn't deserve to even be standing in it looking as he was now, feeling as he was now. Emotion robbed him of the rest of his voice as he sat down uneasily and looked at the older woman with wide eyes.

What would she do with him? Would she assess him right there and send him on his way after she decided that he was broken?

Rizdax's mind swirled a bit as he watched her and kept himself stock straight and pulled tight against himself on the chair that dwarfed his small, almost childish, frame. If he'd been in a better state of mind he'd have seen it for the comical situation that it was, sitting on a chair almost triple his size.

Oh he wanted that dragon to come back in and start talking again, wash away any doubt and fear that he had with just words because in that moment he had all of them crushing him at once and all that Riz had done for two turns was try to avoid his emotions. Why all of the nightmares had chosen this time to surface was beyond him, almost as if his siblings were reaching out past wherever they had gone to remind him that it was all his fault even if their voices in his dreams told him otherwise. Even thinking about them had him swallowing roughly to try and hold back the pain and he started to shake again as he looked straight down. He wasn't ready to have her poke about in his mind, afraid of what she might find there that would have her reporting back to Master Gr'del about his uselessness, but if she could help.... he would bear every moment of it for the chance to stay at this place that had become his home.

Sinders Path

 

[Sinders Path]

Once Rizdax had seated himself down in the large chair Nimueh busied herself getting two cups from nearby shelf, setting them on a large chipped wooden tray and pouring out two steaming cups of dark tea mixed with a teaspoon of honey for sweetness. (Probably wouldn't have bee honey but there must be a pern equivalent.) However she had been watching Rizdax since the moment she had opened the door, even if she had tried not to make it too obvious. She had seen him calm slightly when Mharlith spoke to him, and then she had seen him descend back into trembling and panic. Her heart bled for the poor boy and Mharlith in turn shifted on his leg in discomfort and sorrow.

This would not be an easy case, he was far gone and had been dealing with trauma alone for far too long. If he had been sent to her directly upon search it would have been easier. She made a mental note to discuss the problem with the candidate master. Any candidates brought in from outside the weyr should really be evaluated. It was hard to tell what thread fall might have done to them, what they might have seen.
She gently shook her head and refocused,picking up one of the tea cups she started forward to pass it to Rizdax and then paused. A small roll of her eyes and she made a motion to indicate that he should look behind him. A brown snoot was still sticking out of the door way's hanging curtians that lead onto the dragon ledge.

"I think someone is feeling a little neglected today. I've been working most of the day. Butttt Since you are my last patient today how about we go and join him on the ledge? Give him some company? Plus the sunset from out there is always beautiful. " She suggested eyes twinkling like the idea was some mischief they were about to share. She wasn't really expecting much of response but he didn't seem to oppose the idea. Nim smiled again. She set the tea back on the tray. "I'll take this and you grab those two pillows, that's right, that one and the matching one on the other chair, at least then we can be comfortable." Once Riz had grabbed the two suggested cushions Nim nodded and picked up the tray, leading them outside to the open air of the ledge where Mharlith was curled in an open crescent his head towards the residence. He had quickly pulled back when Nim had started towards him but it was clear he was pleased by the development cooing warmly at them both.

"Sit where you like." Nim told him.
Mharlith spoke to Rizdax once more then. 'Over here,over here,' The dragon called tapping the spot between his two front legs with a claw. 'you look very cold. And I am very warm' The dragon assured him, seemingly proud of this fact. If Riz complied Mharlith would lay his great head down beside him and subtly hint that an eye ridge scratch was due.

Nim meanwhile relieved Rizax of one of his cushions and exchanged it with the promised tea. She took her own seat further along Mharlith's body where he instantly coiled her waist with his tail, though thanks to the curve of his frame she was still able to sit opposite the shivering candidate and speak easily. "Right now we are settled I want to explain some basics of what will happen here Rizdax, first of all, you need to know this is a safe space, nothing that you tell me will go beyond us. That includes Mharlith of course but I promise you he will not betray your trust either. Everything you say to me will be held in the strictest confidence. This is as much a place of healing as the healers hall is. It is not my role to sit and judge you, I just want to help you stay comfortable and settled inside the weyr. This might happen simply through talking, mental exercises and maybe even medication. But I will not have you removed from your duties unless that is the best way to restore your mind's balances. You have taken a very big step in coming to see me like this. It is the first step to getting you well.First of all, do you have any questions you would like to ask me? Or Mharlith if you prefer."

Hattaki

[]

 

[Hattaki]

In silence he watched the older woman work with making tea, eyes wide as he tried to take in exactly what it was she was doing. He'd heard of tea before of course, but never once in his life had he ever drunk anything other than simple water so it had him tilting his head a bit in response to seeing how it was made and poured, at least it smelled nice but what was that honey for? Despite Rizdax's interest and confusion he couldn't shake the fear that had settled in his stomach for what was about to happen and his whole body jarred a bit when she stepped towards him and his head snapped quickly in response to her motion, instincts making him shiver even worse. At least until he saw the nose sticking past the curtains, the large brown was clearly interested in coming back in for some reason and as he didn't know the dragon's personality he could only guess that the mindhealer also used her dragon in the healing process.

Some part of him relaxed very slightly, uneasy still but at least the presence of the dragon drew on his love for the large beings and a smile tugged at the edge of his mouth. Give a dragon some company, the third one that had spoken to him? Of course he would be willing to do just that if it meant he could be near a dragon and quickly he stood up to follow her orders, pillows in both hands and an offer to carry even the tray before she did so herself and wandered towards the curtains leading to the ledge where her brown was resting. It was second nature for him to want to help, to desire to do things for others even if it meant that he overburdened himself and it wasn't just this situation that made him think of it. Instead of speaking he swallowed the words and simply nodded his head, following her in silence past the curtains and onto the ledge, awe settling in his stomach as he did so. Never once had Rizdax been in someone's weyr and this was certainly the first time that he'd ever seen a dragon's ledge up close. Such a large brown, at least compared to the greens that he'd only ever seen up close before, it seemed as though he was curled up just to fit.

At just that moment a voice rang through his mind that had his golden eyes shift towards the glowing faceted ones in confusion. Did dragons often want others to sit that close to them that weren't theirs? But then again this one spoke to him which wasn't very common in dragons either, most had never once said a word to him which was why each time it happened he was just as startled as if it were the first. Who was he to argue to a dragon though!? Pillow in one hand, the second replaced by a cup of tea, Rizdax hesitated for just a moment before placing the pillow down on the stone floor of the weyr ledge since he didn't want to get it dirty but he overcame that in the interest of being close to a dragon. Slowly he sat down so none of the tea spilled anywhere and followed the given order once he was settled between Mharlith's front legs, back against his strong chest. It took him a second to settle the hammering of his heart, knowing what was coming next, and he spent that second sniffing at the tea and taking a sip of the warm liquid that seemed to ignite some sort of warmth that spread through his chest and out to his limbs. It made him feel as if he were half alive again and he leaned back bonelessly against the brown's chest, tilting slightly so that he could lean against the large head at the same time and scratch the eye ridge that was indicated, silently listening to Nim's words and trying to keep his composure.

Her words caused a small knot to ease out of him slowly and the second she stated that he wouldn't be removed from his duties it dawned on the redhead that she wasn't going to have him removed from the Weyr and a quiet noise somewhere between a whimper and a sigh escaped him. The biggest fear in his mind was that his nightmares and subsequent sickness was going to have him removed after he was deemed useless or broken. "You really won't make me leave High Reaches?" His voice still sounded wrong to him, almost a croak of relief as he looked back and forth between the two of them with still wide eyes. "This place is my home now, I just want to get better so I can help repay everyone here. I just... I want to help... but I guess I need it first." At that Rizdax hung his head in defeat. "I tried to get over it and just work through it."

With a sigh he scratched at Mharlith's eye ridge again and looked up at the mindhealer with hollow eyes that all but begged silently for the help he couldn't bring himself to rasp out as a request.

Sinders Path

 

[Sinders Path]

Mharlith murred happily, his great faceted eyes closed in bliss as he tilted his head just slightly to encourage scratches to the best spots. The steps his rider actually took to help the people that came to her were beyond him but she did let him know when she thought her patients would react positively to his attentions and Riz was one of them. The contact from the great beast calming and comforting him rather than alarming him like it could with others. That was just fine for the brown, he enjoyed the attention.

Meanwhile Nim stroked her hand along his tail more out of habit than anything and the mutual contact between dragon and rider was never a bad thing. She sipped her tea slowly, giving the pale quaking candidate a chance to settle and start to get his story out. "Oh my sweet child, of course I won't have you kicked out. Every candidate has the potential to impress a dragon, and that has been proven in my mind by how quickly Mharlith has warmed to you, though its true he's a lot more free with his affections that most dragons." she added smiling indulgently towards the brown.

"But I like people, people give the best scratches' The brown cut in.
I'm not saying it's a bad thing beloved. Nim assured him. Mharlith snorted and gave Rizdax a little nudge when his hand seemed to slow down in i's work.

Nim looked at Rizdax and tried to keep his gaze. "Listen to me Rizdax, you have been hurt, terribly hurt. That much I can tell just from what the healers have told me. Even if you want to show your worth you need to get yourself better first. Let me explain to you in a way you might understand. If a candidate is brought in with a broken leg, we don't turn him away. The leg is splinted, rested and allowed to heal. However if the candidate hides that injury the leg is unlikly to heal correctly, it might even cripple him if he pushes it to hard. Then if he has any chance of a full recovery the leg will have to be broken again just it can be realigned and set like it should have been in the first place. That is where you are, you have crippled yourself by trying to walk on broken legs too long. Small wonder you are in so much pain. Which is why I also want you to be aware this won't be an easy process We might well have to expose the worst of your pain's if we want to help you conquer them. How far you want to take our sessions will be partly up to you, I can't force you to come and see me but I will tell you this much. As you are, you are unlikely to attract the bond of a baby dragon. Just as hatchlings would shun a physically crippled candidate. They will turn away from you if they touch your mind and see you can't offer them all the stability and support they need in those early days."

Hattaki

 

[Hattaki]

Grinning a little when she mentioned how free her big brown dragon was with his affections and how odd that was he even was so in the first place Riz thought back to the two other dragons that he'd met, the little greens that had made such an impact. It was true that not many dragons were overly fond of people other than their own, that was why he'd been so startled when Mharlith had wanted him to sit so close, let alone leaning on him and scratching at his head, but he was more than happy to oblige him when he nudged for more, fingers running along the large brow ridges that nearly dwarfed his hand by comparison. Hopefully this wouldn't be the only dragon that he ever got the chance to be close to in all his life, but as it stood now he was the first and on top of Nimueh's words he felt himself nearly puddle against him, his frame only held straight by how he was leaning against that brown chest.

Of course. Why would a dragon want a broken candidate in the first place, one they couldn't train beside? That generally meant that he stood very little chance to even meet a dragon as he was now, let alone have one come up to him as Sahrawith had that time and run her head against his hand. Swallowing against the lump of pain that had settled beneath his ribs at the realization, it took every shred of what remained of his own dignity not to cry a bit just being told the truth, that right now he was rather worthless as a candidate. He felt it, the cement that was in his bones and the way his brain was fogged over just trying to force itself to work each day for lessons that he wasn't gathering much knowledge in, even work felt like worse a labor than it had ever been before when he'd worked even harder just for food that he rarely ate.

"Well, it's possible to heal a break, but I suppose 'mindhealers' wouldn't exist if it weren't possible to help... right? I don't want to be useless and crippled my whole life, I've been trying to deal with it and just stay quiet so it wasn't a both to anyone around me, but now it's become a bother to everyone including you." His head hung with those words, realizing that he was such a burden to this place that had done so much for him, even his fellow candidates were probably glad to have him not sleeping and making noise or thrashing in the night and he couldn't blame them, they worked hard too. Most.

"I'm used to pain, that's all life is really. So if it hurts it doesn't matter and if it makes things worse to make them better I'm willing to try it, but there's been too many people that've been bothered by this that aren't just me anymore." Rizdax offered, looking up at her from worn out eyes. "Whatever it takes to pay back High Reaches and keep this from happening to anyone else, even if I don't impress to a dragon because I'm too broken, I just want to get well enough to help and not get sent away when I age out." That thought did cause a tear to trace down his face and frustration at himself had his hand wiping it away before it made it too far. He already was giving everything he had to just come in the first place and thinking about how the past that haunted him might keep him from ever finding a partner out on the sands felt like just a bit too much to offer up, he smashed it further down inside himself by force.

Sinders Path

 

[Sinders Path]

Mharlith was quite comfortable and content, he had his most beloved rider leaning against his hide and an extra that was there to give him all the scritches he so thoroughly deserved, plus it was getting on, the evening morphing into night as the sun sunk down over the horizon. He was soon snoring quite loudly. with his giant head laid out beside Rizdax slipping further into dreams with each word he spoke, lulled by the soft conversation passing between the two of them.

As the night crept in the glow baskets hung at various strategic points around the ledge started to wake up even as the dragon slumbered, offering forth their faint eerie yellow light.

Nimueh let Riz talk, sometimes the first step to healing was a few harsh truths. Of course, like Riz her patients knew these truths already, but hearing them voiced out loud by another set of lips could help bring about true acknowledgment of the facts. When someone was sick or needed help it was a natural first instinct to comfort and reassure someone. Even if that could be more damaging than simply leaving them be. She cut in only once when he questioned her role in things. "That's right. I am like any other healer though. As they would help the body heal itself. I do the same with the mind. If you let me I have no doubts at all that we will have you fit and ready to impress."

She smiled, a motherly reassuring smile and let him continue. Once he was done, she could start to correct a few false assumptions. "First of all, dear child, let me promise you this, you are not a bother or a burden to me or anyone else in this weyr. We are a community here. You have been carrying out your duties diligently and consistently for months struggling alone. I have doubt you will continue to throw your full effort into any task you are given after this. You have more than earned you place here. your work has allowed others that maybe weren't as physically capable to continue with their lives. That's what a society is, everyone steps up so that we can all get through. Now it is your chance to take advantage of all the other candidates and people around you that will simply move in to pick up any slack while you heal. I know you are the type of boy to do that for others. So now is your chance where I encourage people to be a little selfish. You expect far to much of yourself, that's not a bad thing but no one can give all of themselves away to a cause, or they will be nothing left.As for bothering me Riz. If you didn't, I would not have a craft and as much as I love Mharlith and being a rider, I think that would make me go a little stir crazy so when I thank you for seeking me out, I truely mean it" she finished with another gentle smile.

"As for life as nothing but pain. I know you don't really believe that Riz. Let me use another example. I believe you have been here long enough to see a few hatching's correct? Yes? Good. I am sure you came away from each disapointed and sad that you did not impress, But you have witnessed something only a limited number of people on pern ever have. You have watched riders and dragons make that first connection and new life step into this world again and again. And that is amazing. Those are beautiful moments. Even when people get hurt, it does not take away from the wonder of each hatching. And here you are now, cuddled against a sleeping dragon on a warm balmy evening drinking tea, which I must say didn't come out to badly. Do you consider any of these things as pain for you Riz?" she was trying to challenge him now, shift his thinking to a more positive set, even if that was a tall order, it was just the start. In the long run it would help him shake off lifes tragedies if he could always focus on that silver lining.

"While you are here let me correct another of your misconceptions. You will not be sent away if you age out. The majority of the candidates that do and were not born here do indeed choose to leave. They have families else where and it is better for them. Others want to set themselves to a craft as life here after candidacy is no longer rewarding for them. As if you did stay here without dragon or craft you would likely end up doing drudge work and being a general errand boy but as long as you made yourself useful in one way or another no one would force you out with no where to go.Plus the kitchens and healer hall always need extra hands."  

[Hattaki]

Evening had fallen, lights illuminating all around the trio as Rizdax slowly reached into himself and showed a little of his pain to the mindhealer sitting before him. While one hand had been busy scratching at the eyebrow ridges of the great brown head beside him, the other had been trying not to shake all the tea out of his left hand and all over himself as he spoke. Even though it was dim out he could still see Nimueh as bright as if it were day because really, she was all he was focusing on in that moment. While she'd told him he wasn't a burden, while she'd explained that he wouldn't be sent away, when she'd told him it was his chance to take advantage he'd visibly flinched. Never once in all his life had Riz ever been selfish and relaxed when he should have been pushing his hardest, in fact he'd been pushing harder since he'd been feeling badly and weak just because he knew that he was better than this... whatever he was now. Failure? Broken? It was the same either way no matter what word was used for it, something was wrong with him and because of it all those around him might have to work to make up for it.

His father had been right all those turns ago when he'd called him a failure.

"If... if I stopped working before I didn't have the marks for my little siblings to eat. It didn't matter that I was sick or didn't feel good or if my head was messed up, no marks meant no food... meant death. How do people relax and be selfish? I don't know the first thing about 'relaxing' or 'having fun', if they were still alive you could ask my brother and sister." Riz forced himself to stop and close his eyes for a minute, pulling the cup to his face so he could drain the rest of the tea in one gulp, hoping to steady his nerves at talking about them. "Just being here for a couple turns I learned that life isn't a battle unless you're fighting against Thread or put yourself in a stupid situation. Even after all these months and months I still don't understand how that is, but there were people in Telgar that didn't have to struggle either I suppose. Maybe someday I'll understand..."

Rubbing an arm across his eyes, drips from the last bit of tea spilling onto his shoulder, chest, and lap in the process, Rizdax tried to think of a way to explain to her that it wasn't exactly 'life' that he'd been talking about. Sure it was 'his' life that he was talking about, that had been pain even if there were good moments, but it was his own head and the pain he experienced every moment of the day and now even the nights. "Just the one clutch, I wasn't ready for the one before it and I wasn't hurt or disappointed not Impressing at that one because almost everyone around me did. Honestly, I don't expect a dragon to pick me, I just want the chance to stand and maybe meet one someday. Being this close to Mharlith is a huge honor, because dragons are amazing." Fingers tightened around the cup in his hand as he kept his arm firmly pressed against his eyes as if he could stop any tears that were slowly welling up. "It isn't 'life' that's always pain, this moment isn't pain, but everything inside of me is and I don't know how to stop it anymore. Every moment of every day things play back and come biting at every good moment like those good moments don't matter and it just keeps getting worse until they don't matter anymore. Nothing really feels like it matters, but I can't stop because for turns it meant death and how do you just accept death as an option when you can do something about it?" Even if he'd never told anyone or even admitted it to himself, the truth spilled out of him like it was oozing through cracks that felt as though they'd formed on his very skin. Weak... nothing at all mattered now that all that had mattered for turns had been taken. Riz had tried to replace that with work and duty but clearly he'd failed at that too.

Splaying his right hand out on top of Mharlith's head as if he could pull any sort of calm out of the dragon, Rizdax tried to stop the shivering that had come back and to shove all of his emotions back into the darkness where they belonged. Nimueh and Mharlith didn't deserve these emotions, no one deserved to see this part of him that was spinning wildly like some sort of broken top toy. She was calm, so likely she'd want calm back in return, but stuffing it all back in was taking too long.

Sinders Path

Laaaaaaaaaaaate.... << >>;;;;

 

[Sinders Path]

Mharlith slumbered on and Nim listened. She knew that this was likely the first time that Riz had expressed his pain so openly and she did not want to interrupt his flow. She even pulled out a note pad and pen from a pocket concealed in her dress and scribbled down a few notes as he spilled his inner soul and let her see the depression that had manifested along side his trauma. As Nim had expected from the start. Though it was surprise he had opened up to her so soon. A good surprise. It also showed Nim how long such feelings must have been building. Desperate for an escape.

Once she was quite sure that Riz had come to a finish, or simply run out of words she stood, brushed out her skirts and trailed the edge of the dragon ledge to his spot by the brown dragons head. On the way she snatched a cloak from a peg by the entrance of her weyr. It was thick leather lined with fur and feathers. A comfort that allowed her to spend nights on the cool carved rock when the High reaches winter started to bite. It also made a good blanket.

She lay it across Riz's shoulders, tucked it around his form and gently eased the tea cup out of his grasp. Then she sat down at his side. Folding her legs elegantly under her matronly frame. "Riz." She started gently. "It is okay to cry here, you do not have to hold back your tears. In every way this is a safe space for you and everything you are feeling. That you have been holding inside. The way I see it, you are perfectly capable of relaxing. Enjoying your day, making friends. But your pain is filling up every part of you. It's not leaving room for anything else. Because you are not letting it out, you are not talking to anyone about it. You have not dealt with it, you have just tried to bury it. But that does no good because every time you think about it, it just tops up the pain. And the more you try and bury it the less effective that method becomes. Eventually, you can't bury it anymore, it starts spilling out in unhealthy ways. Like your nightmares. It's not a perfect metaphor I know. But my point is, you have to stop burying that pain, let out in more constructive ways, like talking about it. Writing about it. Or putting it into something creative. Then, when the pain recedes, you might be able to fill that empty space with better things."

She put a gentle hand on his shoulder and shifted position to look at him. "That is why, tomorrow morning, I am going to talk to the candidate master about reassigning your chore time. for a while you will be my personal assistant. We will work on your healing, while at the same time you will help me with my work helping others. Of course you will still attend your lessons. And I want you to sleep here tonight, if you are agreeable I will make you some tea that should at least help you get one nights rest. It's not something I would usually recommend as you need to work through your nightmares with the rest of your trauma. However, I can't work your mind, if your body is about to fail you."

Hattaki

[Late as well >

[Hattaki]

Everything inside of Rizdax in that moment was drawn tight as a bow, much tighter than they'd been when he'd gotten there because he was trying to hold back actual tears as they were leaking out of him. The back of his arm wasn't exactly the best at absorbing anything either and without anything to hold them in they were running down his cheeks in streams to his throat and there was no real chance he could blame that on the tea. Not as he was, it was as if his throat had tightened back closed again and he was afraid to make a noise that might come out as a squeak or cracked if he tried to talk any further. And she wasn't talking, why was she not talking?

With a suddeness that nearly had his shaky and tightly wound self leaping out of his skin, weight pressed against his shoulders and all around him, hands making certain to tuck it in so that warmth began to spread where it covered. When the cup was taken from his hand slowly he pulled his arm down and stared up at her out of exhausted eyes that were still streaming with tears that he couldn't stop. Surely he'd done his best to hide the broken and blackened pieces of himself for so long, but by her logic that wasn't doing very good either, but it was the only thing that Riz had ever known! He couldn't show weakness, because it meant that his siblings would suffer for it the most, but he wasn't with them anymore, they'd passed far beyond where he could ever have hopes of seeing them again. So his pain had grown and grown to unmanageable proportions, so badly that now he was beginning to inconvenience others as well, which just made tears spill even harder from him.

So swallowing all his pain, shoving it down as hard as he could into the recesses of his mind, was the reason why all of these nightmares were flaring up now when he was at his most vulnerable. All he wanted was to prove to High Reaches that he wasn't just a worthless throw away that they'd saved, that he could help them, but he wasn't helping them like this. Voice still strangled out in his throat, all that Rizdax could do was nod at her, trying not to look as pitiful as he felt and surely appeared.

Creativity he had, but he hadn't been focusing at all on his own craft that he'd been apprenticing in before coming because candidates didn't need to make jewelry. But maybe what she was suggesting wasn't the worst idea that he had ever heard in his entire life. Riz had never been one to seriously sit down and write as if it would help anything, getting his thoughts out wasn't the goal of his life, rather the opposite actually, besides that felt more like harper's work than anything that he'd ever have been interested in. But if he could ever get his voice to unstick he could possibly be swayed to talking about it. She didn't seem like she was judging him or wanting to boot him out, she'd even said that he wouldn't be removed from the Weyr. So that meant that she was safe to divulge feelings to, to crack the shell of his emotions if he absolutely had to. It seemed that he did of course.

One hand on his shoulder and words about sleep and how his body was failing, Riz let his head fall a bit and managed to scratch out a raspy "Yes, that's fine." that cracked and broke in his tightened throat before leaning his entire body weight against her hand. While the redhead might never admit it aloud, he wanted to tilt into someone and just stay there, like one of the hugs his mother had given him as a child so long ago. Maybe it was just a need for pressure of some sort, for someone to squeeze everything out of him, but some desire was still bubbling in there for it he couldn't exactly argue that it was wrong.

Sinders Path

 

[Sinders Path]

The poor broken child. That's what he looked like as he sat and wept, a child bereft of love and hope. It was the mother in Nim that wanted to bundle him into her lap, hug him and quiet him. Kiss his brow and stroke his hair until he felt safe enough to go to sleep. But that would not help him in the long run. It would be a brief band aid and worse, might compromise the work they had yet to do. It would likely hinder the full exposure of old wounds if she was to comfort him now. It would give him another way to hide.

Instead she put an arm around his shoulders. Gave them a squeeze in a half hug while also guiding him back onto his feet. She would have liked to have settled him out on the ledge with Mharlith where he was clearly more comfortable. However the wind of the evening was already biting and a stone ledge was no place to make a bed. Instead she coaxed him back inside and then released him. Turning to a shelving unit she pulled out a folded white cloth, it was a robe much like a candidates robe but softer, lined with warm fur and trimmed in green. "Here, there is a small wash room over there, go get washed up and changed ready for bed. You can even have a shower if you like, leave you clothes in the wash basket I'll make sure they are cleaned for you." she instructed, nodding at the fall of cloth that hid the small separate wash room. It even had a shower that was supplied by the hot springs and always warm. A Luxury that she was afforded by her position.

Once she had sent Riz off to wash the mind healer busied herself, pulling out a small cot that had been stacked in a corner, and laying it with new fresh sheets. Then she went about mixing the sleeping draught with a bit of extra honey to make it go down easier. Once Riz returned she sat him down on the cot and handed it to him. Watching to make sure that he drank every drop, hoping the honey masked the worst of the bitter herbs taste.

As she watched him she felt another pang of protectiveness for the mentally fragile candidate. Once he had downed the drink she took back the glass and handed him a note pad and pen instead. "Here, it might take a while for the drugs to take effect, while you wait you can practice that creativity we mentioned, you can draw or write anything you like, it doesn't have to be about yourself, it could be a poem about a runner in a forest or you can copy down some of the old ballads, though I would prefer something of your own design it might help redirect your mind to better trains of thought before you fall asleep." she suggested, though if the drugs did their work he would be having no dreams anyway, it was good practice for future nights.

Hattaki

 

[Hattaki]

Despite what he'd thought, and everything that he wanted or didn't want to show to the world, it had all fallen out of Riz the moment that he'd begun to talk about it. Just as it always did, if Telgar was mentioned or he had to stand and acknowledge that day, it always started to bubble up and if he wasn't careful it would just boil out of him. But never had he sat down with anyone and actually approached it in a healthy manner and that likely was the reason he felt more exhausted than he had in ages, just from talking which was ridiculous. So it was no real surprise that when someone even had the bravery to embrace him, even if it was just with one arm, his entire form all but puddled into it and without warning, just as had happened with Shar, Rizdax wrapped his arms around Nimueh tightly and took a moment to just stay under her own arm in such an embrace. He'd hate himself later for it, surely, for it was another form of weakness shown and as he'd discovered, not many enjoyed physical contact, let alone hugs.

It took a moment for him to release her and there were new streaks of tears once he had, but the redhead obediently followed her guidance and stood shakily so that he could follow her back inside her weyr, back into warmth and a sort of luxurious softness that he knew full well he didn't deserve to be around. Once released he swayed slightly on his feet and braced his legs, unsure once again about indulging in anything within her personal space as it just seemed far too comfortable and personal. But he was in no position to really argue and instead bowed his head when handed the soft cloth that was so clearly too clean. For Riz was worried about tainting anything within her space.

Stiffly he walked past the little hanging cloth and pulled it closed, taking that moment to try and bolster himself so that he didn't fall apart with the thought of any of the mindhealer's kindness. Not so broken that he couldn't be saved maybe, couldn't impress, but certainly broken. Clothes removed Riz traced fingers over the area on his shoulders that showed the last 'break' that had seemed to line all the past cracks in place, the harsh edges where Thread had scored him seemed almost fragile now where the healers had assured him it was healed just fine. Just jagged. It seemed fitting.

Shower then.

There was quite a bit that showers could do for the body and soul of a person, but it couldn't stitch them back together as they fell apart. All the same, the hot water had left him feeling even more wobbly than he had been before and it took everything for Rizdax to fight against the darkness edging at him. Sleep was his enemy anymore and even the thought of drugs to help him fall off was... distressing. What if it didn't work and he got sick again? He couldn't do that to someone else's area, surely, but he couldn't stall behind a curtain forever and so managed to push it back, robe tied in place in a way that somehow made him seem even smaller without the added bagginess of the clothing that was always a size or so too large for his frame.

Everything seemed to move a bit roughly, scattered as he was, or maybe it was just that his brain wasn't picking up every motion he made. Drinking he remembered, all of it... not as much. But the cup was empty somehow before he even knew it and a note pad with a pen handed to him.

Creativity had all but left him in recent months, no more necklaces and baubles, which had certainly left Mint somewhat grumpy as she'd come accustomed to being decked in shining metals. It was the only creativity he had, but with a sort of solid desperation he nodded his head in silence, all his words long since gone, bubbled out of him. There would be more the next day, as he couldn't completely shirk his lessons or anything, even if she had stated that he'd be working his chores with her. Words would come again, but for the moment he pressed the pen to paper and began to sketch what he'd make as repayment for all of this, darkness still just at the edge of his vision.

It wouldn't take long from there, eventually Nimueh would turn around to find him stretched with pen still in hand and notepad dropped to his chest, curled up with one green fire lizard under an arm who seemed to have appeared from nowhere.

Sinders Path